An Exercise in Self-Control

I have good news today, I'm down 2 pounds and have once again hit the ten pound mark. I think this is the third time if my math is right, yikes!  Now before you or I pull out any celebratory comments or rewards I need to tell you that I fasted yesterday.  I may be up tomorrow as a result since I plan to eat today, I do not plan to eat too much, although at this point I feel like ordering in the hungry man's breakfast, with extra everything. 

Todays Question:  "Why fast when you can eat?"

Good question.  Answer, fasting is a very good exercise in self control and since coming back from Africa and losing control, I knew it was time.  I needed to be reminded that I could in fact deny myself.  I had hoped to forget that while I listened to that sweet overindulgent voice that takes control of my brain from time to time.  Fasting is also good for the soul, it reminds me that God is my source, He sustains me and everytime I don't die of starvation after a fast I'm grateful. Even though I'm painfully aware that I could live for three or four months on my belly fat alone.

Fasting is also a very good rest for the body.  I make sure I drink very healthy things, protien drinks, pure juices and herbal teas, just to nurish myself. However, giving your body a day off every once in a while has proven benefits.  Every organ gets a much needed break, the colon cleanses, the liver rejuvinates and the brain clears.  I know that last ones true because fasting always makes me realize I'm in control of what I eat.  Every other day I think it's some outside force that remains nameless.  I sure don't want to throw the name Jenny out there as the cause, even though I know it's true.  My overfed foggy brain is such a good liar.  Blasted fasting brain always highlights the truth and reveals the problem, me.

I'm not telling anyone to fast, I'm just letting you know that for me self denial is good.  I need to remember that I got myself into this overweight state, nobody was stuffing the food down my throat.  I dont' deny that there are times when it feels like something has taken over your body and you are blindly eating.  I have experienced that and it is very confusing.  You know you did it but nothing inside of you seems able to explain why.   I remember being very upset after an extremely large binge, I came up to my room in a daze, I asked God why I did that and He said, "You are out of control."  And that was exactly how I felt, like I had no control over myself.  That truth penetrated me.

The solution?  One word answer....YOU!  God did not say to me, "Your control has been taken from you."  He said, "YOU are out of control."  It does feel like I've lost control, I know from way too many experiences that is true, but, the reality is I've surrendered it.  I gave in and let that feeling take over me, it was easier than facing it.  Whatever "it" is that sends you into that state, lonliness, fear, anger, emptyness, anxiety, sorrow and for some of us happiness, it needs to be seen and felt for what it is, an emotion.  We must not let our emotions control us.  We have the power and an amazing helper on our side.  Feel it and let it go, surrender your control over the situation because you don't have it anyway, you can only control what you do with your feelings, accept and embrace the fact that you are a feeling human being.  Years of experience have taught me that I can only control myself, we get in serious trouble when we think we can control others.

Yesterday I asked you to stand in the mirror and see your beauty, I really hope you did.  Today take another look in the mirror, the only person looking back at you is you.  That is and always will be the only person you can control.  Remember that and your life will be much better. 


Be blessed with a wonderful day.
 

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall.

I'm asking you to find a mirror, a full length one would be good, and then take a good honest look at yourself and tell me what you see.  I mean really look at yourself.  My condition, you are not allowed to let one negative thought enter your mind.  You must silence it immediately and then reaffirm yourself with no less than three positive thoughts to any negative thoughts that come.  This may sound easy, but for those of us who like to pick themselves apart when they look in the mirror it is not.  I'm also asking you to go do this now, leave your computer on and take a minute to do this, it's important.  Go!

Today's Question:  "Did you see how beautiful you are?"

If I was in my forties I would have answered no.  It would have been a resounding no, oh I could have come up with some positives, I love my hair, it's so easy to care for, I have nice eyes, I like my nose, my small ears, I also enjoy my long legs.  I could say I'm happy with my hands, my fingernails, especially since I quit chewing them years ago.  Those would have been my positives, my negatives, big belly, wrinkles, big boobs, that are not sitting where they should be, thank God for bras, and those skin color changes on the face and hands, oh dear I don't like that.  If you would have asked me in a dark room, where no one knew who I was or could ever figure it out, did I think I was beautiful, the answer would have been no.  I may have been able to pretend that I felt beautiful outside that dark room, I may even have said I was okay looking, but beautiful, wrong girl.

I am fifty one years old and it took me until I was almost fifty to realize that I was a beautiful woman, inside and out.  Now for those of you who read yesterday's post, you may be thinking, not so much.  However, that was yesterday, I'm not so frustrated today.  I can honestly tell you that when I look in a mirror now, I genuinely like what I see.  I know I need work and I can feel my flaws,  but I also know that God is working in me, He will never stop.  I am made in His image and I am beautiful.

When I stopped comparing myself to others and accepted who I was and how God made me, not to mention how very much He loves me, I could see my own beauty.  I liked the person I saw looking back at me.  I didn't care if I wasn't perfect, or built like someone else, I was happy with my body, even with extra weight on.  Remember I'm not losing weight for show, it is truly a health choice for me.  I can finally see that beauty comes from within and flows out, not visa versa.  (please re-read that.) I realize the work I need cannot be done in a plastic surgeons chair, it must be inward, no man can give you what you don't feel.  No physical change will soften your heart. 

If I could spare you younger ladies years of self-loathing with this post, I'd be so happy.  I want you to see what God sees, know you are not perfect, but know you are loved perfectly by a Father who made you in His image and set His seal upon you.  He has decaled you are beautiful, "I gave you beauty for ashes."  We are ashes, He gave us beauty.  It's in you.  Please let it out.  True beauty is not seen first but felt, once it's felt the one who possesses it cannot help but radiate it.  All will see how beautiful you are when you do! 

I'm fifty one years old and I can tell you I have gotten more compliments in the latter part of my life than I ever did when I was young.  When I saw my own beauty other people did too.   Remarkable.  I pray you will all stand looking in your mirrors for as long as it takes for you to accept how beautiful you truly are.

God bless you with a wonderful day.

Frustration

This would not be frustration over weight loss or gain but rather frustration that only someone extremely close to you can enduce.  This may or may not come as surprise to some you, my husband can frustrate me like no one else.  He is amazing and I love him the most, second only to Jesus, but I tell you there are days when I feel like he is going to make me explode.  Fortuantely they don't happen often, but when they do, yikes.  I see a side of myself that I do not like and seem powerless to change. 

Todays Question:  "Why do the people we love the most frustrate us the most?"

Oh my Lord I wish I had the answer.  However, I do not.  I feel my temperature boiling, I know I'm being a jerk.  You would think this saint would know to stop, reality, I had to be made saintly, I assure you it is not in me.  So all I can do is ask God to help me, I don't seem able to help myself. 

I would love it if I could just stop writing now, if I could leave you all with the impression that I am powerless to change. Poor me.  Once again I'm getting one of those reality checks, I prefer cash.  I have the power to change, I chose to go with my anger, I chose to respond negatively, I chose to let Gord bother me.  For that matter, anytime I lose it, I've made a choice.  I'd like to play the victum, I'd love it if my husband, my children, a teller, a clerk, anyone really, could be completely and totally responsible for my bad behaviour.   I mean really, couldn't somebody other than me be at fault.  Please! 

So what am I really doing when I give in and go with what I feel?  Forgetting who I really am, and sometimes who I want to be.  I really want to treat the people I love better than anyone else, and yet I do the opposite.  I know why, it is the security of knowing that these people will always love me...in spite of how I act from time to time.  I have made that a wonderful excuse to behave badly.  Next question, should I!  NO!  One word answer that deserves repeating...NO!   

I see clearly that God loves me no matter how I act and I see that my husband, my children and my friends, love me no matter how I act.  Oh I'm sure neither are impressed with how I act at times, I have no doubt they don't always like my actions, however, they always love me and I'm so grateful.  I need to let that gratitude come to mind everytime I go with my bad attittude.  I need to remember I am loved unconditionally and then act like someone who is loved and who loves deeply. 

Today I need forgiveness, bad attitutde yet again Lord, please help me to change and to make better choices.  Remind me of how blessed I am.  And Lord, help me to treat the people I love the most as wonderfully as I do strangers.

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

Results!

I'm down a pound, that makes eight.  I feel a bit like a repeater since I've been here before but I sure enjoyed all that African food.  So no whinning, that's my policy.  I'm sure my wonderful weight loss is due to the exercise I did with my BFF yesterday.  It's her birthday on Monday and since we can't be together we made her celebration Friday.  What does that have to do with exercise?  Let me tell you.  We walked almost a whole block from Earls to Spasation, and be prepared, we also walked from the parking lot at winners to Second Cup, maybe aother half a block.  I'm surprised I didn't lose two pounds with all that exercising. 

Todays Question:  "Are you laughing at me?"

I hope not.  I realize that may not seem like a huge feat, but trust me, I'd have driven from door to door on both occasions in the past.  My motto had always been, "Why walk if you can drive?"  It was a sound motto.  I am however striving to do more and so once again I'm taking baby steps.  I told you I hate exercise and I wasn't allowed to say that word when I was growing up so it's almost a swear. Sorry about that.  I'm grateful to Lucie for her willingness to walk with me, it didn't seem like work with her at my side.  And that brings me to todays point.

If you have someone to walk with life is just so much better.  Doesn't matter if it's a husband or a friend, a son or a daughter, a brother or a sister, a horse or a dog.  It's just so much nicer to have a friend along as you journey.  My husband used to work out of town and one night after a horrible feeding frenzy I sat in my chair wondering why I had eaten so much.  Every once in a while when I ask questions God answers.  He said I was lonely.  I was shocked.  My kids were in their rooms, I'd just finished talking to Gord for an hour or so on the phone and I could have phoned or visited with any one of the wonderful people in my life.  What did God mean when He said I was lonely?  I knew what God was saying was true but I couldn't wrap my head around why I'd be lonely.  I'm not sure I've figured it out yet but I'll give it my best.

I have discovered over the years that a person can be in a room full of people and still feel alone.  It's that sense that no one completely understands you, no one has figured out who you truly are.  And that my friends can leave you feeling lonely.  Honestly, I'm not sure I want anyone to know me that well so I take responsiblity for my lonliness on those rare days when I feel like that.  I'm thankful they are rare.  However, they have a value that I fear I could miss if I didn't pay attention.  That value, for me, is realizing that no one fully knows me except God.  If I'm truly being honest with myself I don't even know the potential I have, or who I truly am for that matter, since God is at work in me daily and He can change a person in an instant, I have no idea what the end result will be.  So I'm glad we have a sense of lonliness that no one can fill.  I'm glad that God reserves a place in us that only He can occupy. 

When I'm lonely I focus on the words of Christ, "I will never leave you nor forsake you."  He would not have said that if He didn't know I'd feel it.  He knew we would all feel lonely from time to time.  He wanted us to be sure that in spite of what we felt from day to day, He "is" and "always" will be walking with us. He will perfect us one day and I just know that it will not happen here.  Not an excuse to quit, motivation to press on.

So thank you Lucie for walking with me, and thank you Jesus for giving me so many beautiful people to journey with.  Above all, thank you Jesus for never leaving us, no matter how we feel.  I absolutely love you.

Be blessed with a wonderful day.  Remembering you are "never" alone.