Three Days Ago

That's how long it's been since I've written. Yikes...what a slacker. So, the fast, the semi-fast and then the oh my gosh how did we end up here again. These sentences describe the last week. Fast declared Monday, success, mixed with sickness. Tuesday, went to fruit, still sick so added a sweet potato, one. Wednesday, starting to feel better, still fasting fruit and vegetables now. Thursday, feeling in control adding some bread but nothing serious. Friday, good day, had a wonderful sense of victory, doing great. Saturday, too much bread, too many pieces of pizza. Sunday, too much of everything.

Todays Question: "Now what?"

I do not know. I have yet to fast and feel so good mentally so I'm not quite sure what happened on Saturday. I wasn't going crazy, I did make a choice to add bread. Didn't eat to stuffed turkey feeling but did know I'd ate too much of that good thing I call bread...in any form. I sometimes wonder if I should just eat bread and nothing else...I told you I'm a bread-aholic. I am amazed by how fast the mind clears without food and how fast it clogs with it. I went from feeling so good about getting a grip to feeling so ungripped. It's a word I'm sure.

I struggled to write because I'd seen a big drop in the scale, didn't want to post it because I knew I'd regret it. How dumb is that? I see now that I should have, it is the accountability factor that has been helping me to go forward. The funny, in that sad kinda way, thing about that is I paid the price because I didn't write. I set myself up for this failure last week when I said I didn't want to post weight because it wasn't about weight, seemed true at the time. Seems kinda dumb now. It was about weight, finding out why I seemed stuck and what the cause was. Two things not one.

So...did I find the cause after fasting those five days? Yes I did. Turns out I don't have a slow metabolism. Rats!!!! I eat too much for my body. I lost a little less than a pound a day. Proof that my body does let weight go and Saturday and Sunday proved that I can gain two pounds a day if need be. Isn't that wonderful.

I also learned that taking the reins of my eating habits is as wonderful as taking control over my horse. I'm happy to report the fear factor is almost all gone when I ride. So, how can I lose the fear factor that attaches itself to my thoughts of succeeding at weight loss? One day at a time is my answer.

I'm glad I fasted because God was faithful to meet me. I loved seeking out the problem, not surprised I was it. I was gently shown my weaknesses and truly felt like an overcomer for five wonderful days. The last two...not so much. However...five days of doing good is better than expected and garnered the evidence I needed to see that I can do this with God's help, and better choices. Two bad days does not a lifetime make my friends. I'm back in the eating better lifestyle change saddle and I'm going to ride this baby out. :)

My Prayer: "Lord help us all to commit to change and to trust in You and ourselves to fix what seems broken but truly just needs repair."

Be Blessed with a Wonderful Day

Fast to Semi-Fast

I'm going from a full out fast to a semi-fast now, so glad to write that. I am glad I made it this far, Monday's sickness, led to Tuesday's fruit and veggies being added. And Wednesday was the same with some added things, like an egg with my spinach salad and a small piece of pizza with the meat picked off. I seriously didn't think I'd do that well after Monday.

Todays Question: "Do you ever suprise yourself?"

In the past if I got sick I can assure you I'd have declared the fast over. If there is one thing I know about myself it's that when I'm sick denying myself is NOT allowed. I'm sure that's a leftover from my childhood, my mom always fed us when we were sick. Toast was the thing I wanted the most and it was very hard not to give in to that. I have made a giant leap...well at least a big jump forward...and I truly was surprised by that. I thought seriously about having that toast several times. By last night, after a yam and some raw carrots for dinner, I couldn't do it anymore, I tossed my white flag out for a small piece of pizza and Gord's crusts. Just two crusts. It was wonderful, I'm sorry I can't lie, I don't remember anything ever tasting that good. I'm a bread-aholic.

So now what...semi-fast. Still searching yes, but do have more answers. I noticed last night when I made the decision to eat that pizza, that I made a conscious decision. I didn't dive in and come up for air once all pieces were devoured. I thought about eating more when I got home and packaged the leftovers. Didn't! I decided that I'd fast with bread, fruits, veggies, eggs and moderate cheese. I can live with that. For how long? Until I honestly feel like I've got the grip I was looking for.

I'm not one to deny myself, and I think that needs to change. I can in part and of course do, but on a whole, when it comes to food, I like having what I want. Just don't like paying the price. I think that's a character flaw. Not good. One day I'm going to go looking to find out what's wrong with me and maybe I won't find anything. I'm thinking I'll be in heaven with Jesus when that happens. :)

My Prayer: "Lord looking inward, not always easy, looking up, much better. Please change our inwards with the help available from the upwards."

Be Blessed with a Wonderful Day

Excuse Me!

Once again I'm learning, I survived the two days of sickness and I'm feeling much better today. Still fasting but doing fruit and vegtables now so all is well. I confess to being slightly hungry and the thought of a piece of toast is just glorious in my mind at this point, I'm sure it will pass and become a less powerful image in time. I'm wavering between two opinions this morning and here is how things start in my mind.

Doing laundry, almost put some necessary paperwork in with the first load, I say excuse me. Then immediately I ask...

Today's Question: "Did you mean excuse me, or excuses me?"

And I go..huh? And then I start thinking, you are full of excuses. Since that's true, I've got no argument and I realize that is me, I'm going slow because it's better to lose weight slowly, true, but also a great excuse to go slow. Which means I get to eat more and focus less. Excuse me!

I'm keeping the weight off. True, but also a good excuse not to lose more, you are doing so well to keep the weight off, pat my back, pat my back. Excuses me! Yes.

I get way more treats if I eat the same because I weigh the same so why would I change. Oh that's a huge excuses me!

I feel so comfortable in all my clothes now. Excuse me! Was your motivation to feel better in your fat clothes because if it was why isn't this blog called 15 pounds?

People notice I've lost weight. Oh dear! Now what, excuses me, I don't want people noticing my body for goodness sake, that could mean trouble. What a moron. Excuse me indeed!

You get it don't you. I'm full of excuses, no matter which side I'm on. I'm also full of reasons. Reasons why it's so hard for me, look at my genetics, consider I'm menopausal, I've been through alot, I'm going through alot, I don't eat as much as everyone else, my metabolism sucks...oh wait, if it sucks so bad how did you drop 15 pounds? Good question...I have answers but they sound remarkably like excuses. So...

No more excuses, I'm the problem, we all have a truckload of excuses and it's time to dump them. I'm discovering that if you truly want something...you are the only thing standing in your way...so at this point I'll just say...excuse me...I've got a goal to reach.

My Prayer: "Bless us with a no excuses approach to life Lord, so we don't miss all the wonderful things being honest with ourselves can bring."

Be Blessed with a Wonderful Day

Day One Almost Killed Me.

For the first time in my life I had a very difficult time fasting. I've done it before...easy breezy. Yesterday started out okay but by early evening I felt sick. I mean sick. My wonderful husband made many trips on my behalf to ensure that I was prepared to be sick. Thankfully around 2am whatever was making me feel like tossing my...oops I was going to say cookies, but I didn't have any...so fluids...passed. Now I just feel exhausted, dizzy and weak. Supposed to be counseling today but the counselor is calling in sick. Yikes!

Todays Question: "Have you ever noticed how feeling sick always makes you appreicate all the times you don't?"

Thank God for good health. I spent a good deal of time yesterday doing what I said I was going to do. Seeking God to find out what my problem is, I didn't like the answer. You may not either so be warned.

It would appear that food has a god like role in my life. Problem! I reach for it before I look to God. I want the treat, whatever it is, and I don't ask God for help. I remember when Gord was trying to quit smoking and I'd ask him why he didn't pray before he smoked. He said, "If I pray God will help me and I don't get the cigarette." Bamm...right between the eyes that hit me. I'm no different with food. Why pray when I can eat the cupcake, chocolate almonds or scone.

I have an idol in my life and it is food.

A long time ago, during one of my many attempts at weight loss, I heard that food is unlike any other addiction because you have to have it to survive. So true. However, I'm over-having. I'm thinking about it more than I should. Even when I'm watching what I eat, I think about it. When I'm fasting, I'm thinking about it. My beautiful daughter-in-law Chantel actually forgets to eat. Huh? I know other people just like her, they miss meals without knowing it. How weird is that? I'm thinking about where I'll have lunch within an hour or so of finishing breakfast. Anyone who knows me knows I hate to miss a meal. So it wouldn't happen accidentaley in my world it would have to be planned. And why would I plan something so silly, other than to fast.

And now...I'm thinking whose big dumb idea was it to fast? Oh, that would be me. I am going to continue, I'm moving from liguids to fruits because I feel so sick I've got to eat something. I'm wondering if I caught a flu bug or if my body is in shock. Mr. food god you suck and I'm going to continue whether I feel like it or not. I'm sure more answers will come. So far I'm not liking the answers but I cannot deny the truth of them. I press on.

My Prayer: "Help...help...help. SOS. We all need direction from the places and things we get lost in."

Be Blessed with a Wonderful Day