What really matters?

Todays question is as the title only I add, "What really matters to you?"

This process of weight loss has me taking a closer look at the things that really matter to me and the things that don't.  After my chocolate binge I can honestly tell you, that did not really matter to me.  I felt no great sense of accomplishment, felt no happiness and got no help from those yummy little bars to lose fifty one pounds...at all.  I did something insignificant to avoid feeling.  I dove into what didn't matter so I didn't have to look at what did. 

I need to refocus and a good way to do that is to list what really matters, so here is my list:

It matters to me that my children/grandchildren are happy and healthy, and that I respect them.
It matters to me that my husband and I are together and although there are days when I'm not happy with his actions, I love him so much and will continue to work on our marriage...till death do us part. (I'm certain there are days when he's not so enamoured with me either.)
It matters to me that I succeed as a  wife, a friend, a mother and a child of God.
It matters to me that my actions are worth imitating.
It matters to me that I share.
It matters to me that I practice and give unconditional love.
It matters to me that I take care of my body, in every way and that is why I can longer abuse it.
It matters to me that I serve all the people I love in a positive way.
It matters to me that I am honest, although I have to watch the so called "stretching of the truth" at times.
It matters to me that every person in my life knows they are valued for who they are.

I could go on, but does it matter?  I know you get my point.  I am a work in progress and the biggest hinderance to that work is me.  I have no excuses and no one to blame, it truly matters to me that I hold myself accountable.  When I was a very young Christian God reminded me one day, when I was busy blaming everyone elses actions for my mood, that I only answer for how I act.  Although I thought I had some great reasons for my behavior, I wanted my kids to follow Jesus in the exact way I did, I wanted everyone to love Jesus exactly like I did, I wanted everyone to read their bibles and I really wanted everyone to be nice and treat people well.  Sounded wonderful to me, problem is, it's not realistic, it arrogant, it's disrespectful, etc.  Everyone has their own path, every person is a unique and wonderful creation, everyone is different.  And some people, just act bad and I can't fix it, not my problem to fix.  Thank God.

It seems that I was measuring everyone by what mattered to me.  I forgot that people were not created in my image, can't even begin to explain why that would be a good thing on any level.  I was immature, I have since learned that in order for me to truly obtain what matters to me, I must follow God.  He equips me, carries me, forgives me, and loves me...perfectly.  There is not one thing in this world or any other, that matters more to me than my relationship with God through Jesus and the Holy Spirit.  Not one thing.

That relationship has taught me the greatest lesson that I believe any person can learn...I matter.

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

There is light...

I'm happily reporting that I have lost the two pounds I gained yesterday and for the fourth time, I am back to the ten pound loss I so love to visit and re-visit.  It is amazing how effective getting a grip can be.  Thank you ladies for your prayers, thank you MistE and Vanessa for your notes, thank you Wendy for your quote.  You all have helped me so much with your encouragement.

I realized something during the process, that's right during, I need to really be pre-prayered before holidays.  They are brutal reminders of all the things in my life that have changed.  I'm certainly not saying the good memories are outnumbered by the bad, that is so far from the truth, I just miss my kids the most on holidays.  Especially my Calvin, and yes I know he is happy with Jesus, I just miss him and that is okay.

Todays Question:  "Why wasn't I born in India or Italy?"

In those wonderful countries the kids just stay with you, in many parts of Europe they have to live with their parents, they can't afford to move.  I was born in the wrong country and I can't convince my kids and their spouses that they don't need their nice houses and their own place.  Oh well, enough whining.

I found my reason, I knew it, didn't want to look at it so I ate it instead.  If you smother sorrow in chocolate it does go down better.  You know that's true, only bad taste left was the hollow spot I still had.  And I do know that God fills that hole completely my MistE, it's just that every now and then my pitiful side emerges until He reminds me again of how great His love is and how blessed I am.  I feel so much better now.  So thank you Lord, and thank you my friends.  I'm back on track and I've learned.  A billion pillowcases full of candy will not fill the longing I have for heaven.  I'm not rushing to get there, but I am excited to go.

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

I need to stop!

Here we go ahead...I'm up a pound...not liking that but have to tell you, I deserve it this time.  I was going to throw out the leftover chocolate bars and chips, I convinced myself that was a waste and I'd send them to work with Gord.  I hung them out of sight on a door knob, problem, I knew where I hung them.  I should have gotten Gord to hide them, who am I kidding, he'd have got them for me if I asked, when it comes to treats he's weaker than I am, if you can imagine.  I use the word "if" loosely.

Todays Question:  "So now what, I'm frustrated and I know it's my own doing?"

I want to stop, I don't want to stop, that was yesterday's battle.  I knew when I got away with eating too much on Friday, that Saturday would be trying, I should have anticipated that Sunday would be worse. You would think that after all these years I'd know my patterns by now.  It would appear that dillusional is a state of mind that I enjoy and I need to stop that with frequent reality checks.  Before I indulge...not after.

I keep telling myself that if I don't feel full I'm going to lose weight.  Why?  Don't look at me for the answer, I have no clue.  I mean really if you feel hungry you shouldn't be gaining. 

This morning I did not want to write this blog, I'm sure you can figure out why.  I don't mind being the same and I don't mind losing, I hate writing when I'v gained.  I don't feel like I've gained anything, I actually feel more like a loser, however, the scale confirms that I have more.  Funny thing about more, it's not always what you need, and it does not satisfy. 

So now what?  I'll be needing your prayers if you can spare one or two, I have to see today for its potential and start again, before this downward spiral catapults me into an upward soar.  I've been soaring all weekend and it's time for me to get my feet back on the ground.  The holiday is over, the work week has begun. I need to stop!

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

So sorry!

I have discovered this morning that I can't write with a clear mind, or heart for that matter, when I've been a jerk.  No other word for it, wish there was.  I was miserable when I woke up this morning, propably caused by a caffine overdose in the chocolate bar form.  I've gained a pound.  Those stupid little chocolate bars apparently add up.  I'm sure I only had ten or twelve, well I'm almost sure, one little bag of potatoe chips, supper, and a couple more chocoate bars for dessert, one chip, and then I said enough already.

Todays Question:  "Why did it take me so long to say enough?"

Answer, didn't want to stop, didn't feel full, didn't have a tummy ache, didn't care.  Oh my, I told you I have a bad attitude this morning.  I've already had to go apologize to my husband, I was projecting my anger and he was nicely taking it.  Good news, I still have a conscience, so there is hope for me. 

It seems the past was coming back to haunt me, I'd have prefered a cute little dressed up ghost.  I felt this mood swing coming as I filled my bread bowl with chips and chocolate bars, I was missing my babies.  Why do kids grow up so fast?  Why does your heart ache when you remember their cute little costumes and faces?  Why can't they stay young and why can't I ignore the reason in my head when I ask questions like that?  I know they have to grow up, I am so happy that God has blessed my children with wonderful spouses, beautiful children and best of all, they spend lots of time with us.  Gordon, Chantel and my...on the way...sixth grandchild, came and spent the night with us, good timing.  I really needed that.  I noticed the chocolate bar feedings stopped shortly after their arrival.  Only God knows how great the damage would have been if they hadn't shown up.  Whew!

Good new, I can still find the positives in the midst of being so sorry for my behavior, they are as follows:
1.  I did not dive head first in the treat bowl.
2.  I went and said I was sorry quite quickly after being a jerk, only 10-15 minutes, could have been hours.
3.  I stopped eating before I felt sick.
4.  I recognized that it's okay to miss your little children.
5.  I'm so happy I love my grown children and the additions they have blessed us with.
6.  I'm a jerk sometimes, thank God I can see that and make a change.
7.  I only gained a pound.
8.  And last but not least, I did way better this Halloween than I ever have. Praise the Lord.

I could go on, but that's enough positives.  Remember I'm not really in the mood.

I am learning, slowly but surely, that I am a complex human being with a multitude of emotions, way too many choices, and more strength than I often realize I have.  I need to remember that I can do all things and stop thinking that I can't.  God will help me, I'm still struggling with asking. 

Be blessed with a wonderful day.