The Battle For Control

Last Thursday I got a new horse, well Tessa and Gord got a new horse.  I could no longer handle the crazy nature of the other horse I picked out for Gord.  Although she was very beautiful, her beauty was quickly diminshed by her actions.  I don't remember disliking any horse I've ever met, however, after some time I quickly grew to _ _ _ _ Spider.  Her total disregard for anyone's safety but her own quickly turned this overly protective person into a loudly stating lady..."I need that horse gone now!"  And after some phone calls to the breeder I bought her from, a wonderful and pleasant swap was made, I behaved very nicley and was honest...speaking the truth in love. 

Todays Question:  "Do you ever end up feeling sorry for someone, be it animal or person, after you've seen them leave your yard, or your life?"

I do.  I did.  I went out singing to poor Spider in the morning.  "Guess who's leaving here today?  You are...you are.  Oh the do dah day."  I was so happy she was going.  I'm still happy she left.  However, when she sensed that something was up she wouldn't let me catch her.  So around and around the pen we went.  Remarkably I wasn't mad at her, I found it kind of funny.  She wasn't a stupid horse, just a pushy one.  I kept smiling for the entire 15 minutes while I let her run around me.  I may have been madder if I had to chase her but all I had to do was walk the little circle.  We all know I'd have turned crazy in a short time if I had to run...don't like running...period.  Spider finally realized I wasn't getting tired and she was exhausted so she stood still and let me catch her.  I gently put her halter on, trying to avoid her ears, she had some crazy issue with her ears and would throw her head in any direction to avoid your touching them, even if that meant her bashing your head with her hard horse skull.  Ouch! 

Once haltered and tied I brushed her and primped her for her return home.  She was patient and well behaved...a sure sign she knew nothing she could do would bother me.  She was leaving our life and I honestly beleived she would be happier back in her 100 acre forest, with the 100's of horsey friends she'd know from birth.  When the trailer pulled in with the new Silky, the replacement for Spider, I was elated.  We swapped horses.  I only felt a little sorry for her as she called out to Electric and Grundy, our other two horses.  They loved her.  Apparently horses don't mind pushy and selfish like I do...go figure. 

I breathed a sigh of relief as she left, no more worry about which one of my children or grandchildren she would hurt.  I could relax a bit when Zayin ran out to see his Grundo, his name for Grandmas horse.  I realized once again, thanks to Spider, that there are things in our lives that are toxic to us.  Things that need to go, and as difficult as it can be sometimes there are people that have the same effect on us.  Their toxins spill over and we don't realize until they are gone just how bad for us they were. 

I had put off trading Spider for months because she was so good to Gord.  They got along great, but...the day she bucked when he was slow to get his leg over the saddle and he had to jump to the ground beside me...that was it.  She'd now destroyed the only reason I'd kept her.  Gord wasn't hurt at all and he didn't even seem bothered by it, but I was done.  She'd now 100% confirmed that she was only concerned for herself, no one else mattered, not even Gord who she so favored.  It was the straw that broke my tolerance for her. 

The new horse, Silky, is wonderful.  She loves people, is gentle around everyone, comes to greet you, watches where the dogs, cats and most importantly children are.  She's great and reminds me of my last Arabian who would hurt herself before she'd hurt anything or anyone else.  Selfless.

Spider wanted to be in control of everything, wanted her way, looked after herself and couldn't care less who she hurt as long as she was safe and getting what she wanted.  She highlighted so clearly for me what I need to watch out for in my life.  She also highlighted what I don't like to see in myself or others.  Control at any cost.

I could make this post about my control issues, however, I want you to take what you will from it.  It spoke to me about what motivates us.  No matter how beautiful that horse was, and she is beautiful, her entire being changed for me because of her actions,  I couldn't see her beauty because she was too busy admiring heself.  Nothing uglier than the me first attitude in anything living.  Nothing more beautiful than the sacrifices we make to protect others.

My Prayer:  "Lord help us to always remember the price you paid for us, the greatest sacrifices always seem to be those we make for others."

Be Blessed with a Wonderful Day

Procrastination!!!!

I'm putting it off, avoiding it, sidetracking, diverting, distracting and a whole host of other wonderful words that blend so nicely with the word....PROCRASTINATION.  Oh dear.  I need to stop.  Even writing this blog is me finding something else to do to avoid what I don't want to do. 

Todays Question:  "What am I trying to avoid?"

Todays answer...finishing the editing on my book.  I've managed to put that off for quite some time. (Joanna you will know how long I've been avoiding this since you did the editing and suggested the changes...does that mean I can shift the blame....could it be your fault...please.)  I'm a sad case and an even more pitiful excuse of a writer. 

How does one motivate when the desire is lacking?  I know I've asked that question before but I still seem powerless to do what must be done, and yet...I know I'm the only one who can.  This applies to my weight struggle as well.  I have quit the excesses that caused a four pound gain, lost two and sit at almost a 14 pound loss since I started this process one year ago.  I can honestly say that procrastination is a serious problem for me in all areas where significant change is needed.  Why does a clean house motivate me and shedding unhealthy weight does not.  Why do I make my bed 98% of the time when no one sees it, but can't finish a book that has the potential to bless others and actually be seen/read?  Why don't I procrastinate when I want something from the fridge?  Can't seem to force myself to exercise although I fantasize about it often.  :)

The whys...they plaque me.  Perhaps they plaque you too, I hope.  Who wants to be alone with their inability to find the answers to the deeper issues in life.  Not I said the goose...not I.  So if you have answers please send them to me.  Please help me to motivate myself.  I'd say I'm in a rut but it appears to be a crater, I can see out but I can't get myself to climb, I keep looking at the dirt...what a procrastinator I am. 

My Prayer:  "Lord help us to help ourselves when we lack motivation.  Guide us to the freedom from the things that bind us in so many ways and remind us of how truly gifted we are.  And please don't let us waste our talents."  Amen!!!

Be Blessed with a Wonderful Day

Turns Out a Fifty Two Year Old Can Tone

Today's Question:  WHO KNEW?

Not I said the goose.  I'm so surprised by my new found muscles, let me clarify that I'm not going to dawn a sleeveless dress without ensuring that my bat wings, also know as the moving flabby stuff under my arms, are close to my body.  There will be no flag waving for this chickie.  However, the movement since I've been riding my horse for almost three weeks in a row, only missed the couple of rainy days...due to rain...obviously...is considerably lessened.  I'll go with my arms are no longer jello, more like the movement on the water on a windy day, not gail force winds, but not gentle either. 

Also am happy to report that I've gotten a grip with this fruit and veggie fast, haven't dropped anymore weight but have not gained and I think my body is resetting once again.  Oh the returning sinner in me is so powerful at times, so glad God is greater and I do eventually awaken from my drunken stooper...ooops dunken...I meant dunken stooper...as in cookies dunked in tea. 

My mind does seem to be clearing and the fog I created with too much icecream cake is lifting.  I can now see how easy it is to let too muches...yep I said too muches...sneak in and overpower my often weakened mind.  I feel strong at night when I think about all I ate, I get so determined while I lay all cozy in my bed...after the feeding frenzies of course...and I'm positive I will start fresh in the morning.  I assure you that upon rising I do well until something happens, a temptation comes and I crash as fast as a car blowing all four tires doing 160 on the highway.  It happens in a second my freinds...everyone says that. 

Avoiding the crash seems impossible, however filling the tires, changing the tires and slowing down...can and often does prevent such an incident...and that is exactly what I must do.  I've noticed I have more crashes when I haven't filled my tire...as in spare one that circles my mid section.  I give in because I'm hungry...solution fill up on healthy things before going to Costco.  Change the tires...change my mind...stop think and get a new set of thoughts...don't dive hit.  Which leads nicely into.....................slow down.  The other thing I don't do when I'm chin deep in cake or chocolate mousse.  Slow down and enjoy what you have, taste it, enjoy it and end it when it stops being great.  I have got to learn to stop when the wow factor goes and the glutton kicks in. 

So...that's my morning mind...all over the place.  My morning prayer..."God help us to proceed with caution on this journey, be grateful for the many blessings we have... and let us not speed through and miss all that you have so wonderfully and carefully created for our pleasure."

Be Blessed with a Wonderful Day

Ooops...It's a Slippery Slop.

I've discovered that things can go well for weeks and then a birthday, or two or three, an anniversary and ta dah...toodle dee...I'm up five pounds, down two, up one, down three...for a gain of one more pound since last I wrote.  Oh the slippery slop that starts with some icecream cake, chocolate mousse, cookies, etc., and before you know it this lady who does not normally have a sweet tooth is eating things she easily said no thanks to before.  Weird!

Todays Question:  "Are you ever amazed by what a difference one good day makes?"

I was shocked when I stepped on the scale this morning and was three pounds down from the day before.  One good day of healthy eating, inspired by my beautiful daughter, yeilded a huge drop.  For the last week all the treats I ate kept the scale moving upward, I thought it would take at least three or four days to drop the excess.  Thankfully that was not the case.  I'm sure that my horseback riding almost every day for the last couple of weeks helped.  Moving does yeild it's own positive result, whether I like it or not I have to admit it makes a difference.

My confession!   I caved, I gave in, I was quitting, I was breaking my commitment, I was allowing food to be my god with a small "g" once again.  I felt to write several times and wouldn't...I was too embarrased to write when I knew I'd have to report 3 or 4 pound gains.  I didn't want you to know I was loosing control...once again...by my choice.  Today I'm feeling in control of myself again and so writing just makes sense...I can show you how together I am....yeah right. 

Delusion

a. The act or process of deluding.

b. The state of being deluded.
2. A false belief or opinion: labored under the delusion that success was at hand.

3. Psychiatry A false belief strongly held in spite of invalidating evidence, especially as a symptom of mental illness: delusions of persecution.

And that my friends has been the perfection definition of me for the weeks that have past since I made the decision to stop blogging.  Unless I felt led of course.  You know I"m super spiritual so leading is the perfect excuse to not write. ;)  Since leading is so easily mixed with feeling I could successfully tell myself the nudges I got to write and be honest about the gains were mere feelings...since I felt strongly that I did not want to write I ignored the nudges most ardently.  And there you have it...the truth. 

So now what?  I'm spending the next week eating fruit and veggies to reset...on so many levels.  Tessa inspired me into action and it's good to have someone to reset with.  Two are truly better than one...in so many ways.  My plan is to write no less than once a week so no matter what the scale says I have to be accountable...I've learned that I don't do well without accountability, I've learned that before I realize but life seems to be a series of relearning lessons.  I'm hoping one day I'll actually get it.

My Prayer:  "Help us Lord to apply the things we learn to all aspects of our lives and gives us the wisdom to follow all that is true."

Be Blessed with a Wonderful Day