The Over All Image

So this morning I will be taking care of that ever so important 'image'.  I need the hair color, turns out the gray with it's white highlights is not as attractive as one might think.  I'm going to replace it with what used to be my natural color and since I'm not 100% vain I allow the bottom half of my hair to be what it has become...some color I can neither identify or name.  I plan to have the plant peel, which is a all natural affordable attempt to lessen these lines that someone drew on my face.  I realize sand blasting would be more effective but I hate pain so...we shall peel.

Todays Question:  "Do you see the value in looking and feeling good regardless of how old/young, skinny/fat, rich/poor you think you are?"

I sure do.  Years ago I watched one of those Canadian special stories, it was an interview with a prostitute.  The interviewer asked many questions, all respectful and with an approach to learn from this women why she thought men came to see her.  It was very interesting and not at all what I thought it would be.  The question that impacted me the most was; "Why do you think men come to see you?"  I expected her to say sex, she didn't.  She said that they came to be with a women who would listen to them, whose hair was done, who had make-up on, who smelled nice and looked her best.  Bamm!  Right between the eyes.  When I first met Gord I always looked good, hair, make-up, clothes.  I couldn't stand the thought of him seeing me when I was not at my best.  I used to wake up before him so I could check myself in the mirror before he saw me.  After a couple of years and children, I just wasn't so worried about it anymore.  I spent more time trying to impress strangers than I did my husband.  New job, must look my best.   Going out with the girls...wardrobe, hair and make-up people...now!  Shopping, have to look good so people think I can afford to look in their store.  Oh my image was very important to me.  Especially when it came to what other people thought.  But Gord, well he got to see me at what I'll call my whatevers, hair flat maybe but I always brushed it in the morning.  Make-up, why I'm not going anywhere.  Wardrobe, who cares as long as I'm comfy.  However, if I had to go to one of his many Christmas parties over the years I did work hard to look great...professionally done as they say.  But I am sad to say I didn't really do that for Gord, I just didn't wany anyone to think Gord married a loser.  I wonder if that's why we have so many babies delivered nine months after the Christmas party.  Food for thought.  Up until I saw that interview I thought love covered my multitude of looking bad sins. Turns out that most men who see prostitutes tell them they love their wives, just don't feel like their wives care enough anymore to want to impress them.

My point, I'm in debt to a prostitue and grateful as well.  Her honesty about why men came to see her, shocked me enough to wake me up.  From that day to this day I do my very best to always look good, for my husband yes, but also for myself.  I decided all those 25 plus years ago that sweat pants would not be a part of my wardrobe.  The prostitue said men hate sweatpants.  I couldn't argue that point, even my skinny friends don't look good in sweat pants.  I will inject that Lulu Lemon has greatly improved the sweat pant, although I don't own any.  I decided on that day that the hair would be done every morning, unless the night before did not turn it into a rats nest.  I made make-up my new best friend, even though it took me a long time to find things I wasn't allergic too.  I bought perfume that did not offend me or others and I wear it everyday.  No women is going to out smell me to get my husbands attention.  I took care of my overall image on a daily basis.  Even when I am sick or low on energy I still check out the mirror and do what I can to improve how I look.  Vanity yes, wisdom yes.  If the husband is away...be a bum...but don't go out of the house and scare people my friends...it's not right.  :)

My husband is not the most flattering man on the planet, okay not on any planet, or galaxy for that matter, however, the one consistant compliment I have gotten from him over the years is; "You always look good babe."  No matter how much or how little I have weighed I always do my best to look my best and that has made me feel better about myself.  I started out making the effort for Gord, I ended up doing it for both of us.  Regardless of how much money I had or didn't have to spend.

It would seem that the deeper truth is that what you truly think of yourself is reflected in how you care for yourself.  When you don't take care of yourself you shouldn't be surprised if others don't either.  Confidence is a beautiful thing...over-confidence is ugly.  Balance in this area is key.

My Prayer:  Lord help us to represent ourselves well and to let the outside be as beautiful as the inside, regardless of size, shape or color.  We are all created in Your image and should reflect your glory.

Be blessed with a Wonderful Day

The New 4 Letter Word

I'm wondering if any of you can guess what that word would be for a women who has so frequently confessed that she struggles with patience.  The word is....WAIT!  Oh it's a dirty little word to me.  Don't want too, don't like too and don't have too...so there.  What a brat I am.

Todays Question:  "Do you ever wish that you could catch a glimpse of why it's so necessary to wait before you actually have to wait?"

Snapshot.  That's a nice word.  I'm just wanting a little peek into why it seems waiting is such a vital part of life.  I'm telling you I don't appreciate the sandwich, London Fog, meal out, etc., anymore because I have to wait for it.  I'd like to walk into Starbucks to find a nice young lady or a nice young man asking me what I'd like.  I tell him/her, they turn around and hand me my drink.  It would taste the same, cost the same and mean the same.  I got what I wanted and I didn't have to wait.  Line up is two word dilly if you ask me and another source of discontent for me.  If I see a line up in a restaurant I usually turn and walk out.  Not even food can change this deep seeded impatient issue I have.  Now you know how serious this is.  (I have waited for family and friends in line-ups...I'm not heartless, just impatient.)

Waiting is something everyone has to do and so many people seem to do it so much better than I.  I'm sitting here trying to think of a time when I enjoyed waiting.  My pregnancies came to mind, but honestly if I could have gotten a healthy baby I'd have bypassed the wait.  Although I do see the value in the nine months of mental and physical preparation.  Have you ever noticed that wait is often accompanied by its close friend do.  As in do move forward in the line, do take a step, do exercise to get the desired body, do eat less to reach the desired weight, do be quiet so someone else can speak, and do share your candies with your brother.  Do your homework for 12 years so you do go up and get your diploma, do your housework so your house is clean.  Please notice you have to do all those things while you wait for the minutes, hours and years to pass to get the results you want.

Do you remember waiting to turn 13, 16, 18 and 21, the landmark years you long for.  Then do you remember, when you hit 30, wondering why you were waiting so anxiously to reach those markers instead of enjoying your youth.  I do!  Isn't it ironic that you wait for 21 years and then after getting all you waited for it turns to dread, not 40, not 50, not 60 and then the pleases begin.  Please Lord let me see 70, then 80, etc.  Oh and don't let me live too long unless I'm in excellent health.  I think I'm figuring out that my real issue is with time.  I'm obviously an eternal being who is temporarily confined by this time thing.  That's the real problem I have with waiting.

So I'm not impatient I'm just destined for greater things with no time constraints.  No line ups cause no one is in a hurry.  No wonder I'm so impatient for heaven.

If you are wondering where in the world this blog came from I'll tell you a sad story, I have to wait for no less than a month to get my new horse because the frost isn't gone from the ground until then.  Isn't that sad...okay maybe a little pitiful as well but whatever.  I wanted to stomp my feet and throw one of those hissy fits when the fence guy told Gord that.  What a moron, I need a fence now so I can have my horse.  I asked Gord why they couldn't just use some big piece of equipment and pound those posts down.  Apparently it doesn't work like that so I have to wait.  #.!:(x#?  I don't know how to do that sweary symbol thing cause I'm not normally a swearing girl.  Dosen't waiting just bring out the worst in me?  Obviously I shouldn't have to wait.

I'm happy to report that although I'm still waiting for all the swelling to go down in my legs, I'm still 13 pounds lighter.  In spite of my impatience I know how blessed I am and in spite of my whining God knows I am nothing but grateful.  I thought of one thing I love waiting for....Jesus.  "They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles."  Okay I'm excited to wait for that.

My prayer:  Lord help us all to wait with you, for you and then find our strength to press on in you.  Help us to soar to the heights of eternity regardless of how long the wait.

Be blessed with a Wonderful Day

When it Fits

This isn't a post about clothes but about horses.  I found one and he fits perfectly.  It has taken a long time, since my perfect Arabian mare, Toga, died two years ago this summer, to find that fit.  I wasn't going to buy a horse but found I was missing riding way more than I thought I would.  I have had a horse since I was six and that few month wait for another was all I could bear.  I bought a horse, Electric, after much prodding from the seller, who was also the boarder for Toga.  I'm not one to be pushed to buy but I gave in because the horse was 'supposed' to be so well trained.  Needless to say he was not, I also discovered that the person I bought him from was not honest on many levels...sad but sometimes when people have something they don't want, they sacrifice character to avoid losing money.  I did pray about it and I did feel to buy him.  I enjoyed riding him but the more I worked him, thinking he was trained, the more distressed he became.  Eventually this poor untrained animal got frustrated and started to do very stupid things...like falling on me.

Todays Question:  "What does this have to do with my weight loss journey?"

I'll tie it in...work with me.  Very long story short, I got a trainer to ride my well trained horse, she assured me was green broke at best, she started working with him and he is becoming a beautifully trained English horse.  I ride western.  The trainer became a close friend both to me and Electric.  God answered me one day when I asked why I felt to buy that horse.  He said; "It was never about you and the horse it was about you and the trainer."  The light went on, our relationship grew while Lindsey trained my horse, I value her greatly, she is a friend who adds to my life and I pray I've added to hers as well.  So I learned that regardless of the horses price, a friend is worth so much more.  You think I'd have known that. 

Now to the perfect fit.  Yesterday my husband, my son, his pretty wife and me, piled into Gord's truck and took the five and a half hour drive to Medicine to see a horse.  One that we all could ride, one more relaxed than the handsome Electric.  He instantly got to all of us.  So beautiful, so much personality and not the least bit...untrained or scary, in spite of having not been ridin for a year.  He fit like those favorite jeans on all three of us.  Chantel is pregnant so she just looked, but she loved him too.  We all knew he was the one.  I'm so grateful, not just for the horse, Grundy is his name, but that the 11 hour drive in one day was not a waste of time.  Thanking Gord, Gordon and Chantel for sacrificing a day to help me find the right fit, and to Dave, Tessa and Zayin for being the dog sitters.  :)

Now for the tie in.  Support!  Yep, that's it.  Having a support system in life is so important.  In any and every area where you need to make changes or decisions.  I cannot imagine how diffcult it would be to enjoy life without people who love you and support you in the struggles and in joys.  Yesterday was about joys, today may be a little tougher.  Regardless of what a day brings forth having people who love and support you is the best fit.  My cup runs over in this area and I pray yours does too.  What I have sowed into my husband, children, friends and loved ones has never failed to reap a harvest because seeds of love always grow more love.  I will learn to sow better seeds into myself...it's a process but I'm going to keep pressing on until...it fits.

Be blessed with a Wonderful Day

Resisting Temptation

It must be because Easter is coming, I find myself thinking alot about Jesus and how he faced every temptation and resisted.  Not once did he give in.  As a beleiver I'm suppose to resemble Jesus, I have moments but I assure you that if your eternal life and cleansing from sin depended on me, well...let me just say that you'd be hotter than my BFF Lucie who's soaking up the sun in Palm Springs.  I'm really sorry about that truth but so grateful for Jesus.

Todays Question:  "Can you imagine how difficult and how satisfying it must have been to face every temptation and overcome?"

I can't and I can.  When I gain control over chocolates almonds it's empowering...when I surrender to them it is so physically gratifying...didn't see that coming did you?  That is my point this morning and it's why I'm so in awe of all that God did for us through Jesus.  I wish I could tell you that I'm saddened by every sin I commit, I'm obviously not or I wouldn't have over fifty pounds to lose.  Let's be honest, if sin didn't feel good nobody would be doing it.  Just stating the facts.  Who doesn't like to dive into their favorite snack and just get lost in it?  I don't feel remorse until I see the scale rise or I feel sick.  It's pitiful isn't it?

I tell you this story not to glorify the things I've done wrong but to make a point.  When I was a teenager our family moved from Edson, AB...small town...to Kamloops, BC...big city.  I was 12 going on 13.  I'd left two very good friends and the first summer after we got settled they came to visit.  I was so excited when my mom drove us downtown to go shopping at the mall.  It gets better...she dropped us off.  Such freedom at 13.  We started looking in stores and then we headed into Sears.   My friends were in the change room trying on everything and anything they liked.  Normal right?  Then one of the two, I can't remember which, told me, after I asked how they were going to pay for all the stuff they wanted said, "We steal it."  I was shocked.  I'd never stolen anything more than food.  Okay every kid sneaks a cookies here and there...no judgements please.  My blood pressure rose, my face turned beet red and my heart started to pound, I was like, "You what?"  Yep, they said stealing is easy, we'll show you, and so they did.  They took things for me but I don't clearly remember taking anything, I'm sure I did I just can't remember...call it a fear blur.  I do remember to this day feeling afraid and ashamed.  When we got home and the loot was all over my bedroom I was happy with all the stuff they got me.  It seemed so easy.  They had no sense of guilt or shame, they were just excited about all the new stuff they got, if mom asked me where it came from, they bought it for me, if their parents asked them, I bought it for them.  The criminal mind is brilliant.   That begin a thankfully short journey of thinking it was okay to steal.  I never mastered being able to walk into a store and take stuff.  I did try to steal a pair of earings from K-Mart sometime after that, saw the security guard watching me and took them anyway.  I got caught, my older sister worked there so they let me go.  It was a very important moment on several levels.  I seemed to want to get caught, wanted to be punished for my sin.  Somewhere deep inside I knew it was wrong, I knew I deserved to be punished and was okay with it.  I put the wheels in motion for my punishment and not once but twice never got what I deserved.  Only as I write am I seeing how clearly God's hand was in this.  K-Mart didn't charge me and my Dad didn't punish me.  I had hand picked the stick I thought he should use to beat me.  I told him what I did and handed him the stick.  He took it, put it down and sent me to my room.  We never talked about it again until I was much older.  The look on his face was punishment enough.

God is so much more merciful than we can imagine, He goes so far ahead of us in our lives to prepare our way that it baffles me, and sometimes it takes me years to figure all the things He has done for me.  Today I realize that God spared me from the punishment I deserved 30 plus years ago and Jesus is still sparing me today.  I think that because someone else taught me to steal God protected me.  I've noticed in these 51 years of living that when I make the choice to sin myself the consequences follow.  In so many different forms.  Overindulgence has proven this theory, well that and a scale.  :)

I'm so glad that all the things I've done in my past have been forgiven.  So glad that Jesus stayed on that cross and resisted every temptation to sin.  And the most amazing part...He did it for me, someone so undeserving of such abundant grace.  Someone so rotten on so many levels, who deserved so much worse and got so much more.  I can't tell you why God loves me so much when He knows me like no one else, I can tell you...He feels the same way about you.  Amazing isn't it!

I proclaim to you today that I love Jesus Christ will all my heart, soul, mind body and strength and I will until the day I die.  No one has ever loved me like He has and no one has ever shown me how to love the unlovely like He has.  I serve a remarkably forgiving Savior who gives me hope for my struggles in this life and then victory over them all in the next. 

My Prayer:  Lord please teach us to resist temptations and overcome by the power of your Holy Spirit who is always willing and working to strengthen us.

Be blessed with a Wonderful Day.

It's About Time

Man this is taking a long time.  I do realize it has alot to do with me, okay everything to do with me, but still.  March is almost over and I'm 13 pounds lighter, that was a happy sight this morning I tell you, its just seems to me that six months to drop 13 pounds is a little pokey.  I had popcorn for supper last night and some of those mini eggs, what a great movie dinner, I was a little concerned that the salt may cause a gain.  Even though I didn't write yesterday my intentions were good, I weighed, was 13 lighter so wasn't avoiding, it just didn't happen.  This morning I was skeptical as I stepped lightly onto the scale, whew!

Todays Question:  "Do you know that it does not matter how you step on that stupid scale, it's still accurate?"

I have to confess that sometimes when I weigh I hold the towel rack, did you know that takes 3 to 5 pounds off.  Feels good to see the scale go in the downward direction so quickly.  I call it a picture of the future.  You should try it, a hand on the wall garners the same result.  I only ever tell you what the scale says hands off though. 

I think maybe I need to find a more positive way of looking at these 13 pounds, if it takes another six months to be 13 pounds lighter then by September 1, 2010 I shoud be 26 pounds lighter.  That sounds so much better.  Then by March 2011, I'll be 39 pounds lighter, then by September 2011 I'll be 52 pounds lighter...and guess what?  I'll be fifty three not fifty one, I may need to change the blog title as I age.  That could work.  It is obviously a two year plan I'm on.  Half a year down, one and half to go.  I sure hope I'm kidding.

No matter my friends, I am happy that for six months I've managed to keep my weight within a pound or two of maintaining what I've shed...so to speak.  The 13 pound coat is gone and I do feel better, Dr. Oz says if you lose 5% of your body weight it's changes how you feel and those significant health numbers are drastically reduced.  Check.  I know that once we live in the farmhouse I will be 100% more active than I am now.  That will have to make a difference...as long as I don't eat more because I exercise more.  I've done that in the past...working to write a new future here people.  :)

It has been hard to change my view of weight loss, probably the hardest part of this last six months.  I wanted the big numbers, I wanted to be done blogging by now.  Not very realistic of me was it?  Not that I mind blogging just not a fan of doing anything slow.  I type fast, talk fast, think fast, eat fast, and move fast.  Oh...except where exercising is involved...then I'm a regular tortoise.  This has been an exercise in patience for me, something some of you may know I lack.  Normally I'd have quit because I didn't get the results I wanted.  Something else I lack...the ability to commit to myself.  No problem with others...just not so great at waiting for what I want and sticking with the process.  I'm changing, slowly yes, but still changing.

My Prayer:  Lord help us to value ourselves enough to make the changes in our lives that will yeild whatever harvest we desire.  Not motivated by greed but by genuine need. 

Be blessed with a Wonderful Day.

The Twelve Pound Rut

That would be a decent sized rut wouldn't it?  I appear to have driven into one, not with my car, but with my progress in becoming fifty one pounds lighter.  I know the chocolate almonds and cupcakes are not helping.  Tessa wouldn't let me buy any yesterday, I had to walk past Purdy's, isn't that sin?  I was certain it was a sign since I didn't know it was there. She guilted me into not going in.  Something about eating chocolate in front of her when she couldn't have it.  How rude.

Todays Question:  "Do you think that chocolate is addictive?"

I sure do.  I don't normally care if I eat it or not, but ever since our trip to Toronto and those 3 or 4 little clusters became my comfort food while Gord recovered from his surgery.  I just want chocolate every day and resistance seems to be futile.  I ate so well yesterday, alright thanks to Tessa, then Gord was driving back from the farm and I needed a chocolate bar, he is so much easier to manipulate that Tessa, especially since he has a horribly sweet tooth.  I said I'd share a bar with him, he said no way I'm getting my own.  See what I mean?  So my evening snack, which is usually a small piece of whole grain toast with a little peanut butter, or a piece of fruit, turned into a Crispy Crunch.  I wish I could tell you I loved every bite, I didn't find it that good at all.  Chocolate almonds from Purdys are way better.  But I still ate it.  Could somebody please tell me why I?  I thought I'd stopped that.

Repetition seems to be the pattern that cuts a clear path to self sabatoge.  I'm going to have to take drastic measures.  I may need to add a "I ate chocolate today." confessional to my blog or a "I did not give in to chocolate." praise report.  How sad is that, I'm so weak.

My period of Lent has been about making an effort.  I try to imagine the amount of effort it must have taken Jesus not to come off that cross and zap the soldiers who mocked and spit on him.  I can't imagine having the power to destroy people, who come againist you violently and without cause, and not exercising it.  My efforts are so pitiful in comparison and yet God would have me overcome in any area that binds me, he endured all of that suffering for me, for all.  Poor Jenny has to get off the chocolate.  Okay  I'm pitiful...I admit it.

I think I'll take a break from chocolate until Easter and the next time I eat it...I'll remember to be like Jesus...just because I have the power to do something, doesn't mean I should. 

My Prayer:  Lord help us not to be slaves to anything and help us all to overcome in areas where it's easier to give in than it is to resist.  We are so grateful you never gave in to temptation.

Be blessed with a Wonderful Day.

My Achilles Heel

Apparently everyone has a weak spot, turns out I have two.  My Achilles Heel(s), Purdys choclate almond clusters, as you avid blog followers know, now I have to add Bite Me Cupcakes, chocolate with butter cream coconut sprinkled icing.  Oh for goodness sake...and I really mean that "goodness". 

About a year or so ago my pretty daughter and her two sister-in-laws decided to start their own small cupcake making business.  They called it, Bite Me Cupcakes, great name.  They came up with new ways to make yummy icings, new and creative ways to decorate these cupcakes and tested multiple receipes to ensure that the cupcakes were moist and melted in your mouth.  The have been very successful at all of the above, and...people buy them.  Well done ladies.

Todays Question:  "Do you ever think that something someone else is doing won't affect you?"

I assure you that in this case of the cupcake making business, I did.  I thought that since I did not like cupcakes it would be just fine with me.  Many times I was asked by either, Tessa, Maura or Erin to taste, or comment.  I did from time to time oblige the pretty girls, but for the most part I could live without them.  The problem, the more they experimented the better they got, they dealt with the dry cake issues, they dealt with the too sweet issues, their decorating got better and better and then they came up with the choclate butter cream icing cupcakes with coconut sprinkled on the top and I knew instantly why they called it deviled choclate cake.  Stupid yummy cupcakes.

So maybe I ate three of those yesterday, I was suppose to have two for lunch.  Sometimes when you are watching what you eat you need to say lunch is dessert.  Just to keep your sanity.  I said sometimes, that's important.  The third one Tessa had set out for someone from Dave's work, how was I suppose to know that.  I thought I was responsible for getting the other dozen to Gord's work.  After finding out that I was not trustworthy, Tessa said she was getting Christian to take them to work for her.  When it was time for me to leave she looked at me with that face and then said, "Can you be trusted to get these to dad?"  I said, "NO!"  Then I got the are you kidding look that only one of your children can give and I said.  "I simply cannot resist those cupcakes Tessa."  Christian saved me from myself and agreed to take them. Her look of disbelief was no where near as bad as Tessas.

Zayin and I shared the first three, so I still felt I had a couple more coming, I shared people.  I knew if those cupcakes were sitting beside me once I got in my car, well, they'd be what I call fair game.  I knew that when I drove away from Tessas house and knew she couldn't see me anymore, the lid would come off before I reached the train tracks (one minute drive) and I'd have finished one while crossing.  Seriously, would you trust me with a bag of Purdy's chocolate almonds?  If you said yes...shake your head and think again.  Remember...Achilles Heel.

Who knew a cupcake making business would get me into so much trouble.  Not I said the goose, I don't like cupcakes remember.  Silly me.  I have two extreme weaknesses where sweets are concerned and now you know them both.  A long time ago I thought I'd learned to never say never because you always end up eating those words...I don't like the taste of words.

Please note that yesterday I threw away a DQ dilly bar because it didn't taste good.  I have some control, just so you know.  And last night...very small little dinner...no weight gain here praise the Lord. 

My prayer:  Lord help me and others who struggle, to avoid temptation when we don't seem able to resist it.

Be blessed with a Wonderful Day.

Military Ground

Todays Question:  "Have you every seen one of those war movies where the goal is to gain military ground?"

I have.  Not a fan of war movies but this morning I find myself thinking, as I've been stuck at a twelve pound loss for a few days now, that I resemble one of those movies.  My goal is take the beach, the island, or the fortress, and once I've captured whichever one of those places I'm done.  So I've captured the 10 pounds fortress and haven't let go, I've gained and lost a pound or two to maintain that victory, I'm holding down my fort.  The problem, this is a battle that will require 5 forts and a small section of grass.  And, just like in the movies, I want my one taking of Mt. Ten Pounds to be enough.  I won, the end, fifty one pounds lighter Jenny is the hero.  However, real battles involve more than one beach, fortress or island taking.  Real wars have many little victories that add up to a final victory.  And you don't usually win until you subdue the country, or gain military control

You would think that a control freak, such as myself, would get that.  However, I assure you I had not seen my journey as a five parter with grass, I'd seen it as a one parter and honestly that one pound of grass seems so easy to grab after the fifty are gone. 

It would appear that I have to prepare for four more battles now.  What the heckford?  I liked thinking I'd just win the fifty one pound battle and be done.  I did not see this as a five part movie.  I don't even like TV shows where they nail you with the part two to follow surprise.  What if I'm not available for part two, what if I miss it cause I don't have one of those PVR things.  (Hope I got that right.) 

I suppose if I approach this as four ten pound sections, it could seem easier.  I like Polly Anna, she's a nice girl.  I'd really rather start dealing with one ten pound victory at a time...now that I'm thinking about it.  It means I only have eight more pounds to go until I gain another plot of ground, I always wanted an island, one that wouldn't flood of course.  

I'm going to take one battle field at a time.  It's a fresh way to look at this seemingly daunting task. 

My Prayer:  Lord in the same way you instruct us to take one day at a time, help me and anyone else working to gain ground in their lives, to overcome with your help and the guidance of your wonderful Spirit.  We have many battles Lord, in many shapes and sizes, remind us that our victory is in You.

Be blessed with a Wonderful Day.

Where is my Breakfast?

That is todays question.  I'm asking my husband and he's giving me some silly response that has to do with him needing a cup of coffee before I get my scambled eggs on a piece of toast.  My one word response to that is...."RUDE"!   It is a weekend ritual.  It is all I can do to eat fruit for breakfast every other day of the week, I need my eggs.  I asked again, "Are you done our coffee?"  I got the standard, "Just about." response.  I'm fighting off the urge to have a tantrum but since I know Gord is able to ignore those I won't bother.  Does not mean I don't feel like it, I'm a grumpy girl when I'm a hungry girl.

In spite of what you may be thinking I'm not a spoiled rotten brat, just a brat.  My children assure me there is a difference.  Gord has now gotten up and said something about not wanting to listen to anymore whinning.  I'm sure I don't whine.  But the brat is happy, breakfast will be delivered to me in my comfy chair in a few minutes.  Whew!  That was a close one.

The man is so happy to be serving me he's singing in the kitchen.  Oh life if good.

I had a very successful day yesterday, no out of control moments.  Ate moderately and feel like I'm once again making better choices and moving forward.  We are closing the gap on the main floor rennos, only small jobs to do now.  The clean up was a very intense workout, I sweated.  I have a rule about not sweating but I've discovered if you really want results you may need to sweat.  Rats!  I washed the entire bedroom floor with a wet cloth, it was covered in drywall dust.  Don't like to be on my knees, too painful so I bent over no less than fifty times and washed the floor by hand.  Ouch, oh my goodness, for crying outloud and what the heck is the matter with you women?  All things that came to my mind.  Turns out I still have muscles in the back of my legs and my fanny hurts.  I don't plan to do that again until I get over the pain I'm now feeling.

I find myself getting ready to move as things are getting done.  The thought of leaving this house is not as painful as it was in the beginning.  I think that my journey to get the weight off resembles and parallels our lifestyle change from city mice to country mice.  I'll be needing two farm cats, not a fan of mice. It is time for change, both Gord and I were becoming quite content to sit in our comfy chairs, read, computer, tv, etc.  Basically couch potatoes, and even though that sounds comfortable, it wasn't anymore...for either of us.  So two old houses, that would be us, making some serious changes and hoping it will transform us as wonderfully as tons of work has transformed our new/old farmhouse.

Life is good and breakfast has arrived.  Seriously...I have to go.

My Prayer:  God guide us into a fuller life, one that feeds body, soul, spirit and mind. 

Be blessed with a Wonderful Day.

Gaining Control

Yesterday was better, the rebel put herself on a short leash.  I had to grocery shop and I want you all to know that I walked past the chips looking for nachos that were healthy.  When I say healthy I mean three ingredients I know are food, not fifteen words I can't say.  I walked past the chocolate bars five times and resisted them all.  I will confess that I bought a little brownie to share with my husband for dessert, and yes the rebel shared.  I resisted an overpowering urge to buy cookies, Gord was saying we needed them.  I even resisted those rye crisps once we got home from the farmhouse.  No small task.

It was a better day and I felt I gained back a little of the control that I so willingly surrender.  Praise God.  It seems weird to be glad I got control of myself, when I'm the person who lost control of herself.  What a difference a day makes.

Todays Question:  "Do you ever feel like your dealing with a person you don't know when you are dealing with yourself?"

I do!  I have a clear picture of what I want to acheive, I've worked with my limitations and not set hard and firm dates to acheive my goals and won't quit until I succeed.  I've even started to believe that I can be much slimmer, that is key for me. I know who I am in one aspect, have no idea who I am in another.  The lady walking the mall was so defiant, the lady at the grocery store made good choices.  I think I need to figure out how to get those two women to agree.  Oh right...I'm talking about myself. 

It is true that we humans learn how to adapt quickly.  I fear I learned to adapt too well to being heavier, it's comfortable and safe.  I'm not so comfortable facing the unknown and since it's been so long since I've been slim it's seems a little scarey to me.  Why do I think I'll be a different person if I'm slimmer?  Maybe the problem is not the weight it's the fear of being someone I don't recognize. 

Several years ago I was walking into the agricom for one of the many shows they have, RV, home decor, can't remember which one.  I didn't realize that I was looking at my own image in those reflecting side windows.  I thought that lady is slim,  when I realized it was me I felt shocked.  It was a side view and I was probably 30 pounds lighter.  I didn't feel comfortable with that image it didn't seem to be me.  It would appear that I've got a picture in my head of what I should look like to be comfortable with myself.  What a stupid picture!

I'm reminded of a past life where my figure was a threat to others, I blamed myself at some inner level for something that had nothing to do with me.  I can't be responsible for the fears of others, I can only be responsible for my own. 

I didn't think this blog was going in the direction it went this morning, it would appear that once again I need to lose something other than weight.  That would be a false beleif system that I'm a threat to others if I'm slim.  How did that get in my head without me noticing. 

My prayer:  God help us all to see the lies we have told ourselves more clearing, replacing them with the truth of who we are...not who we are afraid we will be.

Be blessed with a Wonderful Day

Serious Rebellion

I am a women who needs work.  Yesterday started out like any other day, healthy breakfast, but too busy chasing Zayin to blog.  Grandma was tired because I didn't sleep well so my energy was low but Tessa had school until 3pm so I knew I'd need to keep going.  I had salad for lunch, made the cutie an egg/potatoe combo he loved, had a couple bites.  No big deal.  I decided to go into town, Tessa wanted to go to Southgate to get a new watch strap.  No problemo, she also got her hair done, looks amazing as usual.  Zayin and grandma strolled around the mall, oops I see Purdy's, I can just have one or two chocolate almonds I said before, I was already telling myself to get four.  The rebellion begins.

Todays Question:  "Do you see your failure coming and dive into it anyway?"

I sure did.  I got four chocolate almonds clusters, Zayin maybe ate half of one.  Too much chocolate for baby means trouble keeping him in the stroller.  I may be a rebel...I am not an idiot.  Tessa wanted Starbucks so we strolled there, I got a mineral water, and a blueberry bar...for baby.  Ha...he did eat lots, but certainly not all.  I'm feeling it, I'm doing it anyway.  I am walking around the mall so that is good exercise.  It took 45 minutes for mommy to get her hair done, deduct the stops at Purdys and Starbucks and you get no less than 30 mins of exercise.  Yay!

I needed to celebrate something, I realize I'm grasping.  Home, eat a shrimp, salad for supper, healthy but Gord didn't like the shrimp so I had way too much.  Could be worse I tell myself, lets go to Ikea Gord I want a ride in your new truck.  Okay, the kids are there so why not.  Off we go.  I'm thinking frozen yogurt or dessert.  Let me just inject at this point that I'm not a huge dessert person...pun intended.  HUGE...dessert person.  :)   We looked around a bit but lets be honest Gord was only interested in the hot dogs, I wanted the yogurt.  Did I mention the bit of cinamon bun..probably not.  I spot, because I'm looking in the food section, these rye flour crisps one of my Uncles used to love.  I buy them cause I need to know if they are the same.  They are very low calorie and very healthy please note.  I may not have needed to eat any when I got home, I also may not have needed to put a wonderful covering of Chez Whiz on them, but...how could I write about being in serious rebellion if I wasn't rebelling?  Keep up people I'm a women gone mad.

I had a cup of tea and went to bed, before I found something else to eat.  The worst part of that entire story is that I was fully aware of my rebellion the entire time.  I knew I had self-sabatoge stamped on my forehead and whipped my bangs back to show it to everyone.  How pitiful is that?  The good news...only gained a pound.  I was sure I had more Chez Whiz on that crisp than a pounds worth. 

I'm hoping that the reason for my rebellion was just a case of feeding my overtiredness, I also felt that not blogging that morning contributed to my carelessness.  Turns out this blogging helps me to stay focused regardless of what it does for anyone else.  So selfish of me I realize.  So, I'm going to start again, take this day on and see where it leads.  Maybe tomorrow I can blog about the sunshinny submissive side of me.  Wouldn't that be refreshing?

Be blessed with a Wonderful Day

My Prayer:  Lord bless us with the wisdom and the strength to make good choices each day, forgetting what is behind us and pressing on to our glorious future.

Sleepy, but Balanced, Head

It's funny how one morning after a very good seven and a half hours of sleep you feel amazing and then another, you feel like you could sleep for at least three or four more.  Weird.  I weighed this morning and I am happily still down 13 pounds.  I felt the rise coming this time and took a needed break from the problem...for me that problem is food.  Ok, I know I'm the problem because, contrary to my belief, the food does not jump from the plate into my mouth.  That one day fast reminded me to continue to walk this journey with a key ingredient...no...not chocolate...balance.  Balance is everything in life and especially in food consumption. 

Todays Question:  "Do you remember to enjoy the process when the changes are hard?"

I am learning too.  I still need to enjoy the foods I eat, I'm choosing to eat less of those foods if they are high in fat and calories.  Once again balance is required.  I can have some of what I love, for me that would be chocolate almonds, if I allow myself two or three as opposed to a whole bag, it's all good.  I really am not an advocate of the nevers....the nevers are way too hard for me.  Never eat chocolate, never eat butter, never eat candy, never eat chips, you can't have just one.  I assure you it is possible to have just one of anything.  Saying I'll never eat something again with my self-indulgent personality does not work.  I needed to recognize that and you may need to as well. 

What works for me may not work for someone else, however, balance is something that works for every one.  Denial, in my experience is very hard for people, especially when it comes to food.  We all need food to survive, most everything else in life we can live without.  It is one of those love hate relationships, love to eat the food, don't love the way the body looks when too much food is eaten. 

I'm still sleeply but I feel like my head is clearing and my relationship is changing with food.  It's been a much needed change and I'm going to continue to balance myself and my choices.

My Prayer:  God help us to enjoy all things as you instruct us, with moderation, not being mastered by anything, but serving you and others in a balanced and healthy way.

Be Blessed with a Wonderful Day.

What I Learned

Yesterday was a day for refocus, I slowed down everything and took an inward look.  I spent the day at home, with the exception of two side trips, one for Gord and one for me.  In both cases I was home in less than an hour.  I find great release in having days that don't require me to be anywhere, days to catch up on a host of things that can be neglected by the busyness of life...I include myself in those things.  I also took a break from food, shocking I know, it was time.  I needed to be reminded that I would not die if I did not eat.  It was close a couple of times, but this mornings post is evidence that I made it through the night.  I did think about eating at midnight but since I've never been a late night eater I resisted. 

Todays Question:  "Do you ever give up something that seems to have a hold on you just to regain control?"

I do.  I think, and it's just my opinion, that we all should let go of those things in life that seem to have control over us.  "A person is a slave to whatever has mastered them."  I know that for me not eating for one day reminds me that I can say no...even to food.  I wish I could tell you that I do this everytime I get out of control, I don't, eventually I do see the problem, I'm hoping I'll learn to respond quicker than I do now.  I did drink healthy things during my fast, don't want anyone to think I was suffering.  :)  

For most of us the things that control us are things, for some the things that control are people.  Both are unhealthy.  I seem to be the only person in my life controlling me, I have a great husband who stands up to my desire to be in control, but he does not try to control me.  He tries to supervise me from time to time, but can be quickly reminded that I do not work for him.  He's used to being the boss.  Silly goose. 

Yesterdays fast reminded me that I depend on God, not myself, not my husband/children and not my friends, although all are blessing to me.  I learned something at the end of the day and once again my husband was the one God used to show me.  I was watching Dr. Oz, a lady who'd lost 10 sizes, going from a 16 to a 6 was on.  She did it in three months.  Gord came in just as she was appearing for the "after" shot.  He asked me, "What's a six."  Not surprised he wouldn't know, a little surprised that he asked me what size I was.  I told him 12 and that the women he was looking at had lost 10 sizes.  He said, "You are skinnier than her."  Oh I love that man.  I said Gord; "I so am not."  He just shook his head and said again, "I don't know what a size six is."  I assure you people I don't either, at least from an experience point of view.  Gord left to have a bath and when Dr. Oz was over I got up, the house was quiet and this thought came to mind.  "You need eyes like Gords, you need to see yourself skinny like he does."  I was hanging up the little jacket I had on in the closest and felt for the first time that I needed to beleive that I would be slim again.  I committed to the process but I don't think I spent anytime thinking about or beleiving that I'd actually be slimmer or even...dare I say the "s" word...skinny.  How bold!  I had made a committment to something without actually beleiving it would ever happen.  How silly is that?

I needed time away from everything to remember that faith is evidence of things not seen, I needed to remember that I have to have some faith in myself.  My husband sees me a certain way, it is not made up people, it is real.  For those of you who know me, discernment is one of the gifts God gave me, I am not easily fooled, not saying I've never been, just saying it does not happen often, at least not by my husband.  Gord is not methodical and does not say things to make me feel better...I assure you there are days when I wish he had the compliment gift...he does not.  The problem is not how he sees me, I'd say his vision is failing but it's 20/20 even at 60, he only needs glasses to read, the problem is how I see me.  I've been looking at the fat version of me for so long that it's normal and I assure you nothing is harder to change than normal.  Hard...but...not impossible.  I need a new normal. 

I learned that Gord's picture of me is accurate for him, I can't tell you how much I'd love to see people and things the way he does.  I know that Gord is how God made him, and I must be who God created me to be.  We both bring balance into each others lives.  I also know that I can begin to see myself through a new lense.  I am working to replace my self doubting lense with a lense of faith, I can truly do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  It is time for me to beleive in myself.

Be blessed with a Wonderful Day.

My Prayer:  God help us all to be free from the lies we tell ourselves and to remember that faith is a great gift that has many faces.

An Experiment in Refocus

I'm going to try a new method for weight measurement, I'm going to change to one weigh in every three or four days as opposed to everyday.  I know I tried it before and it didn't work but this week I'm going to do some things different, if the things I do feel right to me I'd rather not make the focus weight.  I'll tell you what I did different the next time I weigh in.  That way I'm not wasting your time or mine.  :)

Todays Question:  "Do you keep doing the same thing expecting to gain a different result?"

I do, especially where my eating habits are concerned.  I have made significant changes since starting this process way back in September.  I'm very happy about those changes.  They were my baby steps but now the baby seems to be content crawling, yes that word best describes my process.  13 pounds in 6 months would be a crawl.  It's time for me to gain some speed, get up from the table and WALK away Jenny...just walk away. 

So today I'm heading off in a new direction and time will tell if I'm going the right way.  I need to refocus and I think that every few months or so that is something we all should spend a little time doing.  I need clarity for this journey and for me that means spending some time with God.  I need to get alone, clear my head, take a long look at what's held me back and get the wisdom I need to go forward.  I love this scripture; James 1:5 "If any of you lacks wisdom let them ask God who gives generously and without reproach."  In this area, and really in so many areas of my life, I lack wisdom.  Nothing to be gained by whinning about that and everything to be gained by asking God to give me the wisdom I need.

So it begins again six months later, I've learned so much in that time, kept the weight off, with a few ups and downs, learned to deny myself the majority of the time without feeling like I did, worn clothes I haven't for a very long time and last but not least, shown myself that I can succeed in this area of my life.  For me that is wonderful news, small victories remind us that we are better at battle than we may think.  I'm not alone in this battle against the bulges, I have more than one, bulge that is. 

My prayer...God guide me to greater freedom in this area and my friends too Lord, regardless of what or how great the battles are in our minds...You are greater.

Be blessed with a Wonderful Day

New Coats - New Shoes

Yesterday I had a fabulous day of furniture shopping, clothes, shoes, etc., with my BFF Lucie, we picked up 2nd Cup to shop with, then finished shopping with a fabulous lunch at Joeys.  Now that my friends is a good day.  I bought yet another coat, and yet another pair of shoes, I'd have bought two pairs of shoes but the coat won, the second shoes had to go.  Balance!  Lucie got two fabulous coats, no shoes, she has such control. 

Todays Question:  "What do new coats, shopping and time with your BFF have to do with weight loss?"

Glad you asked, I'll start with the furniture shopping, I discovered that I found the table I want for the farmhouse.  I had to see enough of what I didn't want to be sure.  Weight, I have to feel bad enough carrying all this extra weight around to know that I'm finished with it...it's not what I want anymore.  Trust me on this one, 30 years of packing way too much extra weight around is enough.  Didn't say I was quick to learn did I?

Coats, they are coverings, they warm you in ways that are second only to BFF's like Lucie.  Coats have an amazing ability to make you look 10 pounds lighter, if they are properly designed.  Weight, I had a great design until I thought I could improve it with more.  I assure you more isn't always better but seriously, can you have too many great coats?

Shoes, depending on whether they hurt your feet or not, are a wonderful blessing.  They make your feet look pretty while balancing the weight of the world...so to speak.  My shoes earn their money, the second pair felt great on one foot, not so great on the other thanks to some neurological damage I sustained from some unknown source.  Probably stress from too much extra weight.  I don't know if you appreciate the work your shoes do for you but you should.  Oh and thanks Lucie for making me try the other shoe on or I'd have one more pair of shoes in my closet that I don't wear often cause they hurt my feet.  Yesterday I also discovered that my pretty daughter has learned some things from her mom I'd have rather she hadn't...pain is okay when it comes to shoes as long as they look great.  I'm so sorry Tessa, your dad thinks we are nuts.  What's with guys and shoes that "have" to be comfortable?

And last but certainly not least, best friends remind you that love is and always should be unconditional.  They love you regardless of how much you weigh, how moody you can be, how wrong the things you sometimes say are, etc.  Best friends are one of the best motivators for getting healthy and staying that way.  Do you know why?  I'll tell you why, because best freinds are one of the best reasons to live longer.  They remind you that God has placed someone in the world who gets you...totally gets you.  Do you realize how important it is to have someone like that in your life?  I hope so.  I sure do.  I love my best freind Lucie so much and I can honestly tell you that woman gets me and loves me anyway.  She reminds me of Jesus that girl and I'm so grateful God brought her into my life.  You add a great husband and an amazing family to that and my goodness people...get healthy...life in spite of it's trials is so worth living.

My prayer for you today is that God would bring you, if you don't have one already, a best friend.  The kind that sticks closer than a brother.

Be blessed with a Wonderful Day.

Purging

Since we are moving I decided it is time to do some serious purging.  I really need to de-clutter this home and get rid of things I've hung onto for way too long.  Everytime I get rid of something else I've hung onto because someone close to me gave it to me I feel a sense of release. Not from that person but from that thing.  I need to really learn that gifts are meant to be enjoyed for their season, not for a lifetime.  By giving something no longer in fashion, needed or appreciated away, I am keeping my focus on the giver and not the gift. 

Todays Question:  "How often do you put value on some "thing" over the people in your lives?"

Before you answer think because like me, you may be surprised that you do it.  Maybe not often but sometimes.  I had a pair of old blue jeans that I wore when I was the skinniest I'd ever felt in my life.  They are button fly Levis size 28.  I held onto those jeans for 30 years before I finally got rid of them.  I wanted to wear them again because I felt so good about myself when I did, 30 years ago.  How is it that I missed the frame of mind I was in and made it about the jeans?  I was head over heels in love with Gord, who was not yet my husband, I was so slim I tucked a hawaii t-shirt in and...sit down people...no rolls to be seen, I said none, not even the one I seem to always have at the back of my bra strap.  I know it's shocking and very hard to beleive but it's true. 

I tell you that story to illustrate how messed up a womens mind can be.  I'm in love, I'm so happy and so infatuated with this man who I knew would be my husband,  still together 30 plus years later, but I remember how skinny I was in those jeans and think I'll only be happy with my weight again if I can wear them.   I just realized that I have a picture of Gord and I from 30 years ago on the side of my fridge, I'm 130 pounds and wearing that t-shirt and those jeans.  It's my inspiration shot.  Turns out I got rid of the jeans when I should have tossed the message burned in my brain. 

Why do we measure our happiness with ourselves by the weight we do or don't have on?  Why don't we measures ourselves by how kind, loving, supportive and giving we are?  I mean what if I would have tossed Gord and kept the jeans?  So ridiculous to lovingly look at that picture of my slim self and wish I could wear those jeans again, yearning to be so slim again, while missing that the man in the picture with me is still the love of my life.  Oh there have been times I could have used those jeans to hit him over the head or snap his behind with...that's for sure.  Since I'm non-violent I refrained.  I should look at that picture and be amazed that two people  committed to each other and in good times and bad, honored their committment.  I should be amazed that his arm around, like it is in that picture, still means more to me than those dumbs jeans ever could.  I should be even more amazed that he can still get his arms around me.  Ha!  (Kidding) 

My point, I need to stop looking at what I used to look like some long lost great love and clearly focus on all the amazing true loves I have in my life.  My husband, my children/grandchildren, my friends and family.  I should see what I have accomplished and stop whinning about what I haven't yet to accomplish.  Old memories can be very sweet, however, when they take the focus off what you have and make you feel bad about where you are now, well my freinds, then it is times for old memories, like old jeans to be tossed out. 

Be blessed with  a Wonderful Day.

My prayer for you today is that you would concentrate on what is true and remember that gifts are subject to seasons, love however, is eternal. 

Speaking of Analysis

Yesterday was a full day of analyzing, that does make this analytical mind happy, it also makes it very tired.  I do my counseling every Tuesday and as the word gets out it's getting busier and busier.  I started early and ended late.  After seeing six people I had nothing left, but like so many women I needed to find more because I still had more to do.  By the time I got home it was 8:45pm and I was wiped out.  Normally when I'm overly tired I start feeding, last night I did not.  I guess all that counseling reminded me of some basic truths, the most important, I dont' have to eat to feel rested, I just need to rest.  And, if I do eat, it does not have to be junk, I had an orange because I had a hot dog for supper.  Ok not the most healthy choice, but when my other options were greasy pizza or french fries, I think I did good.  After folding some clothes and putting them away, unloading groceries and making tea, I sat in my chair and took a much needed...load off. 

Todays Question:  "Have you ever really thought about what it means to take a load off?"

In light of your newfound revelation of my overly active mind, you may have guessed my answer is yes.  I love God's promise to carry my load, I love friends who listen and often share the load.  I love husbands who have a built in desire to unload your load, even though all we really want is for them to listen. I find their desire to fix everything quite wonderful, most of the time.  At the end of a long day it's nice to know that you have the choice to just let all that you've heard, seen and done....go.  I can help direct people and do my part but at the end of the day they have to make the choice to let those things that are binding them go.  Only they can unload and although I wish I could help and I desire to help them I cannot by my good intentions make their load lighter if they refuse to put it down.

Speaking of lighter, no change, I'm still at a twelve pound loss pushing eleven, mostly because I sat on my butt counseling from 11am to 5:45pm.  Please note that I exercised in between clients, mall walking is good exercise.  I only bought something in one store, the rest of the time I walked.  It is not my fault they put a Winners in West Edmonton Mall, I had to go in.

I pray that you release the loads you are carrying, give them to God, He is way more capable of working them out than you will ever be.  I know we have a part to do in that work, but the worry and burden you feel can be released and replaced with trust, not only in God but in the abilities you have received to work things out, which is just another way of putting it down. 

Be blessed with a Wonderful Day.

Thank You!!!

I have a facebook friend who says thank you for every little bonus she gets from me in one of those mindless games I like to play.  At first I was like that's nice.  Then I was like enough already.  Then I noticed other people saying thank you as well, I'm not sure if they were doing it to make fun of those who say it often or if they were genuine.  Then I discovered my overly-analytical side was in overdrive.  That's just another way for me to say, I appear to be the problem.  :)

Todays Question:  "Do you ever over-analyze the thoughts and actions of others?"

I do.  My pretty daughter was doing some University project, she was required to ask couples what one word they would use to describe the person they love.  I of course answered, oh your dad is my an excellent provider, I explained not only financially, but physically, mentally, my best friend etc., but in one word, after those 20 or 30...provider won.  Pastor Bob was over, Karen was working and his answer was beautiful.  Oh that's just wonderfully sweet, and true.  It was Gord's turn.  I could see him thinking, it seemed to take forever for him to say that one word I was hoping for...marvelous...and then it didn't happen, he said a different word.  "Analytical."  And that was it.  His one word description of me was analytical.  Let me define that for you:

an·a·lyt·ic (n-ltk) or an·a·lyt·i·cal (--kl)


adj.

1. Of or relating to analysis or analytics.

2. Dividing into elemental parts or basic principles.

3. Reasoning or acting from a perception of the parts and interrelations of a subject: "Many of the most serious pianists have turned toward more analytic playing, with a renewed focus on the architecture and ideas of music" (Annalyn Swan).

4. Expert in or using analysis, especially in thinking: an analytic mind; an analytic approach. See Synonyms at logical.

5. Logic Following necessarily; tautologous: an analytic truth.

Romantic isn't it?  At first I was very bothered by his description.  I let him know quickly that compared to Pastor Bob's description of his beautiful wife, my one word description from him pretty much sucked.  Gord looked at me puzzled and said; "Well you are analytical."  Matter of fact isn't he?  And in time I learned that he had indeed managed to define me in one word.  Not one I would have ever used to define myself but he was right. 

I like to figure out everything, analyze it, understand it and disect it.  Not the mathematical side of that for heavens sake no...I hate math and don't want to think about it let alone analyze it.  I do however, love to try and figure out the inner workings of the human mind.  Why did someone say that, what are they really saying, what happened in their lives to make them say that, and how can I respond/help/fix, etc.
Boy am I ever in the right profession.  :)

If I could just figure out why my body is so slow to drop weight I'd be laughing.  I remain at a 12 pound loss, I am exercising more, I do count yesterdays playing with Jr., I even ran, hello, what a workout queen. 

Do you wonder how I got from thank you to being overly analytical?  I'll let you figure it out.  For me, the thank you's made me realize that I think too much, that person just likes to say thanks.  Wouldn't the world be a nicer place if everyones biggest problem was saying thank you too much.

So let me just say...thank you and I pray you would be grateful for every gift, big or small, from anyone who has a heart of gratitude and a desire to give. 

Be blessed with a Wonderful Day.

Furniture Shopping

Today I'm going to look for new furniture...what fun. I feel like since I'm beginning so many new phases in my life, eating better, exercise, moving to an acreage, etc., I don't want to bring the old furniture into the new house.  I seem to really want change.  That's odd for me because I'm such a creature of habit and I thought I loved things that stayed the same.  Turns out I'm looking forward to changes and when I felt led to buy this old farmhouse I knew changes were coming and I was afraid.  I spent a great deal of time resisting the change I wanted, even to the point of asking Gord if it was okay if we didn't move after we finished the rennos and sold the farmhouse.  He didn't like that, but he understood and told me reluctantly that we could. 

Todays Question:  "How many of you want the choice to keep things the same and then decide to go with the change anyway?"

That would be me.  I just wanted to know I didn't have to move if I didn't want to.  Once Gord told me it was okay, even if he wasn't happy with that and his face was saying oh please God no, in a few days I was adapting.  It's funny how I felt an instant sense of release and I was no longer fighting with my thoughts every night.  If we moved great, if we didn't great.  I truly love both of my homes, I fear that if I wasn't practical (most of the time) I'd keep them both.  You know, have the city house and my country house.  Okay they are minutes away from each other but think of the gas I'd be saving while paying double everything else.  :)  I now find myself looking forward to the move.  I want a fresh start in a new/old house surrounded by beautiful trees, I want to make new memories with the people I love.  I want to start living again, not that I died or anything, although there have been days when I've felt like it, I just forgot how much I'd loved being outside.  I was raised on acreages, always had horses and lots of fresh air, pets and space.  I could run around the yard, lay in the yard with no one passing by, find quiet places to reflect and never ran out of things to do.  I guess we do go back to our roots.  I'm no farmer my friends, I do however love having space, privacy and horses around me.  Add to that the people I love and I'm a very happy girl.

I'm really surprised that I not only want to change where I live and my lifestyle but I don't even want the same style of furniture I've always liked.  Oh it has to be comfy but for some reason I want the decorations in this home to be totatlly different than the styles I've always had.  For those of you who have seen the befores and afters of my kitchen,  I went with white, not me normally, but love it, it's so elegant and clean.   I guess that being over fifty makes you really focus on what you want and love.  I told Gord when we were deciding to buy the farmhouse that I truly felt like it was now or never for one more shot at acreage life.  Neither one of us are getting any younger.  He agreed, so for the next decade or so...God willing...we are going to embrace this change and enjoy what I'm very certain will be our last acreage.   Unless I win the lottery, unlikely since I don't buy tickets, and then we'll hire young people to push us around the mini farm and bury us under one of the beautiful trees that surround us when we are old and Gord is gray.  (I'll still be coloring my hair people, the face will age, the hair will be flawless.)  It's fun to dream and I'm reluctant to admit but also fun to make changes.

Be blessed With a Wonderful Day.

My Prayer:  "God help us to embrace change and to enjoy all the days you give us under the sun."

Boy Did I Exercise

I finally had a day where exercise didn't feel so laborious.  I rode my bike to the farmhouse, then I worked outside for hours, loading, unloading, cleaning, sweeping, bending over to pick up garbage and then walking it to the pile, organizing, etc.  I can honestly tell you...it was fun.  I hope nobody fell over, I nearly did.  It would appear that I don't mind exercise when it's a beautiful sunny day.  I just don't want to workout in my basement, no matter how nice it is.  I am really encouraged because I think once our rennos are done and we move into our new farmhouse exercise will not be a problem.  Just walking from the house to the barn, something I will be doing multiple times a day once the horses come, will be 85% more walking than I do now.  Add to that, two acres that will need to be mowed, okay it's a ride on but I have to get on and off, work with me people.  I'll be hauling water, sweeping porches and decks, hauling word for our wood burning fireplace in the house and the garage, feeding, cleaning up after and riding horses.  Oh what fun!  And I mean that.  When I'm working with or for horses it just does not seem like work. 

Todays Question:  "What do you love to do that is exercise but does not feel like work?"

I'm looking for tips.  I know that walks with friends and loved ones never feel like work.  I enjoy bike riding because in my head the bike does all the work.  I just ignore the fact that I have to peddle and enjoy the view.  I love to swim but for some reason don't go do it, I blame Lucie she has such a nice pool in her backyard in Palm Springs that now I'm spoiled.  I want to walk out the patio door and step into the pool, I don't think my little dug out at the new place will give me the same result.  I have discovered that I don't really mind exercise if I don't think I"m doing it.

I am so glad Spring is finding it's way to Alberta.  We really did have a beautiful winter, only one week of very cold temperatures and then so many record breaking warm days.  I loved it, but I love winter, for those of you who don't, I recommend a place in Palm Springs or somewhere warmer, with a pool. Once you have that place feel free to invite me, I'll come help you exercise.  Call me your traveling personal trainer....I don't mind at all.

I hope this day brings you joy and strength for whatever your life has you facing.  I pray you find your way to fun exercise that will heal your mind and strengthen your body.  I felt so good riding my bike in the sunshine, it warmed not only my heart but touched my soul.  We are surrounded by beauty and given so many amazing sights to see.  God is good and the beauty of His creation continues to bless me.  I pray that you also....

Would be Blessed with a Wonderful Day.

Little Glimpses That Keep You Going

This morning, after a night at the hockey game, the smorg, and a small bag of free popcorn, I'm down one pound.  It's seems as wonderful a miracle as the Oilers winning.  Isn't life grande with it's high and lows.  It is those glimpses of glory that keep a person going, I'm feeling somewhat back to normal and the swelling is gone. 

Todays Question:  "What would the world be like without those small but frequent glimpses of glory to give us hope?"

I couldn't, and don't want to, imagine.  I love little reminders that life goes forward, regardless of how difficult the wait between glimpses can be.  When we are in the middle of a struggle it is the glimmers of hope that keep us going.  When all seems lost something so small but so significant happens to remind us that God is still in control.  In all things there is purpose, a lesson and a solution, if we could just remember that when things are spinning out of control life would be so much more peaceful.  I clearly  remember what I would define as the worst day of my life and the best day of my life. 

My son Calvin had been diagnosed with a rare but treatable disease, actually misdiagnosed, and it was taking all I had to fight the feelings of gloom I had.  Our rather small dog, huge in his own mind, had gone outside and decided he would take on a coyote in our backyard, I heard him yelp as I stood in my bedroom getting ready for the day.  I yelled out his name and all three of my kids went running to see what had happened.  There was our little Yorki-Pom Jr. hanging from the coyotes mouth.  I called my husband to come and shoot that coyote, the gun was loaded and in Gord's hand when mercy for that coyote got me, I said; "Don't kill it babe, just get Jr. and bury him.  Gord shot over it's head and it released our dog and ran off.  Calvin and Gord buried Jr. in the field.  I comforted my kids, went up to my room and lost it.  I asked God why all this was happening.  He answered me with scripture.  He said, "Jenny, "All things work together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to his purpose."  I said a tearful and rather firm, "ALL THINGS!".  And God said a gentle and most assuring; "All things."  I melted. 

Time would both surprise and teach me that God was in fact right, my dead dog and my beautiful Calvin passing from this life to everlasting life would indeed work together for good.  I had no idea how much I would learn from that wonderful glimpse of God's glory.  Had no clue that God could make the worst day of my life the most significant day as well.  My son's grace, acceptance of what was happening to him and mercy for others, who didn't know how to deal with his sickness, was remarkable.  No matter how much he went through and had to endure his answer was constant.  If he died he got to be with Jesus if he lived he got to be with us, he said he had nothing to lose and he was right.  His much older mother had yet to glimpse the glory that Calvin had obviously seen.  His passing and his accepting attitude changed me from the inside out.  I wish I could tell you that I accept things as wonderfully as he did.   I remember him asking me one night as we lay talking in my room.  He said; "Mom, I never thought I'd be the kind of person who got cancer."  I asked; "What kind of people do you think get cancer honey?"  He said; "I don't know mom, I just never thought I would be one of them."  Then he said the words that have changed my life; "Mom, better me than someone else."  And from that day to this my prayer has been that when I grow up I will be like that remarkable child.  At seventeen he knew what I'm still trying to learn...accept what life brings you with dignity and grace.  God has a plan whether it makes sense to us or not.  He will give you wonderful gimpses of glory throughout your life to remind you that you are destined for greater things. 

I have been able to comfort more people, reach more people and help others to heal because I embraced the words God gave me.  I embraced that ...."All things work together for good.." regardless of how hard, how sad, how pitiful, how joyful, how glorious, how hideous, how ugly or how beautiful it can be.  All things work to a single purpose...the greater good.  I keep going because I have hope and I will to learn from every struggle exactly what the good in it is.  Life is wonderfully complicated, everlasting life is amazingly peaceful, the struggling is done.  My baby boy has what I long for...He is daily in the presence of glory.

Be blessed with a Wonderful Day.

My prayer....Lord remind us of how little glimpses of glory can sustain us.  :)

Energy Drain

I find myself lacking a very necessary motivator...energy!  I'm tired when I go to bed and tired when I wake up.  I make myself do what must be done but find I'm leaving some things undone, which is so not me.  For example; the day before yesterday I left my kitchen messy, dishes on the counter, dishwasher unloaded, and countertops with junk on them.  I also went to bed with an untidy living room, dare I say it, I didn't even take the cups from the end table to the kitchen, or put my pillows and cushions in order.  Something is seriously wrong with me people, I don't like messes.  Please know I got up the next morning and fixed every problem quickly and effiiciently, I just cannot beleive I left a mess.  Shocking, for those of you who know me well don't panic, I'm sure I'll be okay.  I'm thinking maybe I'm reacting to all the melting snow, apparently it is a bad time for people who have weird allergies.

Todays Question:  "How do you snap yourself out of a no energy state?"

I hope your answer isn't exercise because I did that and I'm still sore.  I will continue to because it takes time I know to get back in shape, I've decided I found the new definition for the term being in shape.  To me it means; whatever form your body has taken on at any given time.  Even rolls have shape you work out experts.  :) 

I think that maybe the last week of sleeping, sitting, reclining and waiting, having my breakfasts made for me, and doing very little other than watching the olympics, did not leave me with much energy when I got home.  I felt very relaxed and well rested when I got back, now I've been home for almost a week and I'm way too tired.  I may need to let my husband know that his surgery is going to cost him, I need a maid, a chef, a room with a tv in it and days where my only requirement is to visit him from 2-4pm and 7-9pm.  And if he could arrange it I'd like the Olympics to last longer, that is the only time I truly enjoy watching sports.  Maybe someone could explain that weird phenomenom to me. 

The good news is that in spite of this energy drain I'm not looking to my normal solution and that has surprised me.  I am not feeding, grazing, munching or snack attacking this problem.  In the past my answer to every problem was food.  No energy, eat chocolate, have sugar.  No strength, you are lacking carbs, try toast, pasta, mashed potatoes, etc.  Sad, ice-cream.  Happy, no restrictions eat what you want, it's a celebration.  Every occasion gave me a reason to eat.  You know the expression, "feed a fever starve a cold" I always mixed them up, so, I fed both.  I really don't like the word starve.  I am very happy I've stopped feeding every emotion, it is another big change for me.

I have gained a pound and for reasons I cannot explain I'm am still swollen.  I'm going to try drinking a bunch of water and some teas.  My body is obviously in slow motion, maybe it's trying to tell me something.  SLOW DOWN!!!!  I should learn to listen.  

Be blessed with a Wonderful Day.

Those Inward Looks

Todays Question:  "Why is it that looking inside is so much harder than looking outside?"

I would like there to be some tangible, fixable outside reason for my slow and pokey progress.  I weighed this morning and I'm up two pounds, I'm not suprised or annoyed, I'm still swollen as my fingers, toes, legs, lets just admit it, enitre body feels like a sore and bloated version of the Michelin tire man.  If you wonder why I put sore in there it's because I exercised for half an hour the day before yesterday on the exercise ball.  Those stomach muscles felt so strong at the time, now I sit up and am sure I'm going to rip something open.  Ouch!!!  I am happy to find out that under my fat there are still some muscles....good news indeed.

I have got to do some looking inside/outside for the evidence of change that HAS taken place in my life.  So, what has changed inside, I'm no longer using food to over medicate my feelings.  I said "over" because sometimes I do still want food for comfort.  As in chocolate almonds while Gord was in the hosptial.  Big difference 4 one day 6 the next.  In the past, big bag no point in counting them just eat them all.  Outside evidence, I have gone from a six 16 pant loose and comfy, to a size 12 pant not baggy but not the least bit uncomfortable.  I find the smallest size at the fat lady store too big. so I no longer shop there.  Yay!  I notice my face is not as fat, let me just say I see more wrinkles, I'm going to believe it has nothing to do with fat pushing them out.  Oh dear.  Inside, happier because I feel more in control of my life, not only regarding food choices but also learning to make decisions about what I will and won't do based on how I"m feeling.  I've made way too many decisions in the past based on other peoples needs.  I'm not going to stop being a person who gives and helps others, I just need to know I'm in a place at that moment to give it.  If I'm not...I don't do it.  Huge change inside/outside for me.

I could go on but I think I have reminded myself that I am going forward whether the scale goes up or down.  Either way my life is changing and I'm taking it one day at a time just like God says.  "Each day is sufficient enough for itself."  I  love that.

I know that 12 pounds may not seem like a large amount of weight, but...I've kept myself from gaining weight and quitting.  That is no small feet for me.  A weight gain has always meant a surrender.  I don't have a white flag anymore and I'm not waving it, physically or mentally.  I am as committed to this process as I am to every other important person and work in my life.  It must be done for the good of this 51 year old body and the quality of life I plan to enjoy.  I continue to need Gods help, the encouragment I get from so many of you and the support I get from my family, watching my husband overeat really helps me. ;) 

I am going to learn to do these little outside/inside, could also be called emotional/physical checks from time to time.  What I have always needed in my life is balance.  The funny thing about balance is you can be so great at it in one area and so bad at it in another.  I'm working on it and that is the best thing I can do for myself and the best thing you can do for yourself.  Never give up.

Be blessed with a Wonderful Day.

Does March Equal Spring?

I sure hope it does.  I'm so loving this beautiful weather.  I was in Toronto for a week and the sun did not shine once, I'm sure it was under those clouds but I couldn't see it.  I was reminded of how much I missed the sunshine when the plane broke through the clouds on our way home and I was warmed to the point where this menopausal women had to shut that window.  Good thing we were in the extra leg room bulk head seats, two windows, I did not shut the second one.  It is amazing to me how remarkably different it is above the clouds.

Todays Question:  "Do you ever forget that regardless of what you see the sun is shining?"

I do.  I find this morning that the expression, "She has her head in the clouds.", is a good thing.  I think "she" is trying to remember that the sun is still shining no matter what people or circumstances are telling her.  Last week it was gray and so many things were outside of my control, you should all know by now that I do not like feeling like I'm out of control.  I know in life there is very little that you can control other than yourself.  Just because I know that does not mean I don't fight it.  I'm home now and still have to remind myself that it's all over, the surgery is done, Gord is fine just relax.  Funny how you don't realize how concerened you are until after it's over.  I'm sure I'm not the only one who does that.

I have to tell you that I was very surprised by the sun when the plane broke through the thick clouds.  I instantly nudged Gord and said, "Look honey, the sunshine."  It was like we'd never seen it before.  We both looked out the window amazed.  I'm telling you Gord was reading, it's hard to get him to look up from his book, trust me.  It was one of those moments that just can't be explained.  I'm sure if you asked my husband if he felt everything I did he say something like, "Yep, the sun was shining, nice."  I have learned that moments mean one thing to one person and something completely different to another.  It's all good.  Sunday morning Gord was outside saying what a beautiful day it was, -4, I said honey it's because the sun is shining, did it shine once while we were in Toronto, it was more of a statement than a question, his response was a resounding no.  I assured him the temperatures were warmer but they didn't feel like it because the sky was always gray.  Funny how you don't always know how much you miss something until you get it back. 

I pray that today you'd remember that above the clouds that are your struggles, your trials and your tribulations, the sun is shining.  You may feel out of control like I do often, you may even feel like giving up, please press on.  God set the sun in the sky to remind us of His great power and ability to take the worst of days and turn them into something beautiful.  He will never force you to see the beauty that is behind your clouds, He wants you to remember what you know to be true in spite of those clouds.  God cannot help but shine, His glory is endless and so is His love for you.  Look up today and be amazed by what you cannot see with your eyes but know in your heart.

Be blessed with a Wonderful Day.

Proudly Canadian

I have not written since Thursday, the day Gord got out of the hospital.  Been a little too busy with traveling home, entertaining the patient, and dealing with changes to flights etc.  It's good to be home and back to normal.  I should add to my list of reasons why I hadn't blog my serious addiction to the Olympic games.   Such good television and this Country is amazing, not just because we are the world record holders for Golds, but because we have such genuine, dedicated and humble atheletes.  And the beauty of the Country...well...second to none in my opinion.  I have always been and will always be...proudly Canadian.

I am not posting my weight for a couple of days, giving my swelling body time to dispense of all the fluids I so love to retain while flying or driving.  I made this decision after a five pound gain from my last trip and I'm sticking to it. 

The trip went well in every way and although I did indulge in an almost daily ritual of chocolate to comfort myself, I didn't buy the one pound bags, I bought a few and enjoyed each one.  I'm proud to say without guilt.  I just seemed to need that little bit of what I call... it will be okay chocolate.  Once Gord was released, on Thursday, a day early, I was done with the chocolate almonds.  And yes, I did pass by Purdy's when we went to the mall.  Such control.  (No comments please.)

Todays Question:  "Do you think there are worse things in life than needing a few chocolate almond clusters to comfort yourself while you comfort others?"

I do, I didn't take Valium, although the man in the bed beside Gord kept saying he needed more Valium.  I gently explained to him that it was morphine he was looking for, Valium isn't that effective on hernias.  He laughed and said he could use something to help his mental state.  He was a nice man.  I also avoided stiff drinks, I did think about it once or twice but since I fall asleep if I have a weak drink, who would drive me home?  I know I'm not the one who had surgery but honestly, I'd have preferred it was me.  I think most moms, wives and grandmas, would change places with their sick babies, no matter the age, without hesitation.  I've had three major surgeries and I didn't need chocolate to feel comforted for one of them.  My loved ones get sick and I need something, I am grateful that the things I reach for are edible.  I can tell you my friends if I didn't have God to strengthen me when it comes to the people I love suffering there would not be enough chocolate in the world to settle me.

I'm am a very grateful girl this morning.  I have wonderful people in my life, a beautiful family, amazing friends and more blessings than can be counted.  My husband and I are both so thankful for your prayers.  He is recovering remarkably, off to work at 5:30am with only the occasional ouch.  We had a wonderful place to stay, the Olympics to keep our minds off the surgery, and great Dr.'s who let Gord out a day early so I could take him shopping.  He was even happy to come.  Turns out shopping is better than staying in the hospital. We are home safe and sound and Gord carried the suitcases in, I wouldn't let him carry them out.  It's been hard for my independant do it yourself man to let me do all the lifting, please note I didn't really enjoy the role of lifter, but I did it to keep him from bursting that hernia happily.  I told him I would carry the suitcases in when we got home and he quoted the Dr., "You are as good as you are going to get and nothing you can do is going to hurt your hernia."  So I said, "Fine."  Dave our wonderful son-in-law carried them upstairs to our room whether Gord liked it or not.  He's fabulous like that. 

So, it is back to normal and the thing I like about normal is it's subject to change.  Some of those changes are easier to deal with than others but I assure you, God is more than willing to give you everything you need to adjust to those changes. That is so remarkable, add to that the fact that He loves us enough to go ahead and prepare the way and it makes a person wonder why they spend a moment worrying. 

Be blessed with a Wonderful Day