So last night was my cute little grandson's Zayins, birthday, dedication and potluckdinner. It was so much fun. I was certain after eating way too many yummy things that I would be faced with at least a one pound gain. I told my girlfriend Lucie, and my friend Scott that I'd be writing about my gain today, and alas, I'm happy to report I did not get what I deserved. I stayed the same, ten pounds down, no gain. It's practically a miracle, if you'd seen the yummy things I ate you'd agree.
Todays Question: "Was I about to lose another pound?"
It's a good question, maybe I was and that would explain this weird result. I honestly expected to be up, I'm so happy I'm not. So now I have to defeat my mind as it tells me I could easily eat the chocolate bars and chips that are waiting for those tricker treaters. I'm a firm beleiver in the statement, history repeats itself, I have gained and lost several people over the years dieting, so I know I'm a repeat offender. If I"m not careful getting away with eating too much one night could turn into two, and who knows what horrid read the scale would give me tomorrow.
Speaking of horrid things,I have never quite understood why some people love to be scared, for me, facing the scale in the morning is about all the fear I want to deal with in a day. I love everyday the Lord has made, they all belong to him. I like the wonderful positive side of Halloween, I'm not so fond of the scarey things. I don't get the movies, the awful blood and guts costumes, or the cruel pranks, but I have decided that this day like all others is the day God has brought forth, and I rejoice in that.
I pray you all have a wonderful and very Happy Halloween and that all good things come to your door. I hope you are reminded, like I was this morning, that God is full of grace, He has never given me what my actions would deserve.
Be blessed with a wonderful day.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
Peaceful Mornings
I have found that writing my blog first thing in the morning is best. I have a fresh mind, no clogging from the busyness that a day can bring, and no weariness either. It is a good thing to have a fresh mind and I love the peaceful feeling that the quietness of morning holds. You have no idea what the day will bring but something about the morning stirs hope. I love that.
I am holding at a ten pound loss and that makes me very happy. I have given in a little, to those boxes of candy that sit in my coat closet waiting for the trick or treaters. Who knew you could eat just one or two of those and be satisfied. Not me that's for sure. I'm thinking the children who come to my door are going to get a good handful of those so I'm not tempted to dive in and get lost in the leftovers. That's the scariest part of Halloween for me, will I or won't I fall into the pit that is my huge stainless steel bread making bowl filled with goodies. Oh, God help me.
I have discovered that you are never more aware of the temptation that food brings as you are on holidays. I think it's the awareness that everyone else will be eating candy and chocolate until their tummies hurt, and I'll be missing out that bothers me.
Todays Question: "Does it make any sense to feel like you are missing out on a stomach ache?"
Answer, yes and no. I told you I'd be honest with you. I want to eat no less than one of each different candy/bar/chips that will be in that bowl. And I can tell you I miss the days when my kids were little and we could dump their filled pillow cases out and seek out our favorties. Maybe I wasn't the best mother, I let them eat alot of candy from those cases. How could I say no to them while I was stuffing my face and smiling with excitement. I mean joy must be shared, seriously people.
Food really does make people feel happy, it can't be denied. At least during the process, the guilt usually comes after the stuffing. Once the pain truly sets in and the discomfort clears the mind, you know you've gone too far. And that my friends is what I hope to avoid this Halloween.
God bless you with a wonderful day.
I am holding at a ten pound loss and that makes me very happy. I have given in a little, to those boxes of candy that sit in my coat closet waiting for the trick or treaters. Who knew you could eat just one or two of those and be satisfied. Not me that's for sure. I'm thinking the children who come to my door are going to get a good handful of those so I'm not tempted to dive in and get lost in the leftovers. That's the scariest part of Halloween for me, will I or won't I fall into the pit that is my huge stainless steel bread making bowl filled with goodies. Oh, God help me.
I have discovered that you are never more aware of the temptation that food brings as you are on holidays. I think it's the awareness that everyone else will be eating candy and chocolate until their tummies hurt, and I'll be missing out that bothers me.
Todays Question: "Does it make any sense to feel like you are missing out on a stomach ache?"
Answer, yes and no. I told you I'd be honest with you. I want to eat no less than one of each different candy/bar/chips that will be in that bowl. And I can tell you I miss the days when my kids were little and we could dump their filled pillow cases out and seek out our favorties. Maybe I wasn't the best mother, I let them eat alot of candy from those cases. How could I say no to them while I was stuffing my face and smiling with excitement. I mean joy must be shared, seriously people.
Food really does make people feel happy, it can't be denied. At least during the process, the guilt usually comes after the stuffing. Once the pain truly sets in and the discomfort clears the mind, you know you've gone too far. And that my friends is what I hope to avoid this Halloween.
God bless you with a wonderful day.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Wardrobe Malfunction
Yesterday I decided it was time to buy a new outfit. We had a dinner with a couple from my husbands work and I wanted to look nice. I do have lots of dress clothes, however, the thought of anything that was in my closet seemed repulsive to me. I have not bought any new dress clothes for quite some time, I had an excuse, a bank card, time and a car. I was off like a light bulb.
After picking out three pairs of slacks, a vest and six shirts I was sure I had something that would fit and look nice. Both equally as important. I was surprised by what I saw as I stood in front of that full length mirror. I had what I'll call, a wardrobe malfunction. It was not caused by the clothes I had yet to try on, it was what I'd chosen to wear that morning. A pair of jeans, a pretty lime green sweater and my black flat Lacoste runners. Sounds good, in my mirror at home, looked good. But oh my when I saw how wonderfully my jeans were cut to highlight my ever present belly roll, I gasped, to say the least. Add to that the flat runners and I looked downright frumpy.
Todays Question: "How the heck did I miss that roll in my mirror?"
You should have seen how obvious it was when my coat was on, hanging out in front like a stainless steel bumper, only it was not shinny. I was astounded. So, what's done is done, let's try on some new clothes. I was grateful to get that outfit off let me tell you.
Now I'm very happy to report that everything I tried on fit. Wow, I rejected the larger size black pants and comfortably purchased the two size smaller ones. They fit and looked amazing. Found not one but three shirts, for two reasons, they fit like they were made for me and they were on sale. Powerful combination, don't you agree ladies?
I stood looking at myself in the mirror and I noticed, I have lost weight and I looked so much slimmer in my new outfit than I did in the one I wore in. I thought I looked fine until I spotted that rolling wardrobe malfunction, I knew clothes made a difference, I just hadn't realized how much. I seriously could have done a before and after shot for any magazine and convinced you all that I'd lost 20 pounds, in the two minutes it took me to change clothes. I thought about sleeping in that outfit, reason won out. Besides there was no point in wrinkling it, I may be wearing it for the next month.
I will not be pairing that lime green sweater, with those jean and flat runners again. That is over. The good news is I learned something I'd heard repeatedly but hadn't quite grasped. Clothes really can make you see the results before you have them. That was a good lesson, especially since this process takes time and patience is something I'm practicing as I go. So, I thank God for my wardrobe malfunction, once again I learned from my suffering. :)
Be blessed with a wonderful day.
After picking out three pairs of slacks, a vest and six shirts I was sure I had something that would fit and look nice. Both equally as important. I was surprised by what I saw as I stood in front of that full length mirror. I had what I'll call, a wardrobe malfunction. It was not caused by the clothes I had yet to try on, it was what I'd chosen to wear that morning. A pair of jeans, a pretty lime green sweater and my black flat Lacoste runners. Sounds good, in my mirror at home, looked good. But oh my when I saw how wonderfully my jeans were cut to highlight my ever present belly roll, I gasped, to say the least. Add to that the flat runners and I looked downright frumpy.
Todays Question: "How the heck did I miss that roll in my mirror?"
You should have seen how obvious it was when my coat was on, hanging out in front like a stainless steel bumper, only it was not shinny. I was astounded. So, what's done is done, let's try on some new clothes. I was grateful to get that outfit off let me tell you.
Now I'm very happy to report that everything I tried on fit. Wow, I rejected the larger size black pants and comfortably purchased the two size smaller ones. They fit and looked amazing. Found not one but three shirts, for two reasons, they fit like they were made for me and they were on sale. Powerful combination, don't you agree ladies?
I stood looking at myself in the mirror and I noticed, I have lost weight and I looked so much slimmer in my new outfit than I did in the one I wore in. I thought I looked fine until I spotted that rolling wardrobe malfunction, I knew clothes made a difference, I just hadn't realized how much. I seriously could have done a before and after shot for any magazine and convinced you all that I'd lost 20 pounds, in the two minutes it took me to change clothes. I thought about sleeping in that outfit, reason won out. Besides there was no point in wrinkling it, I may be wearing it for the next month.
I will not be pairing that lime green sweater, with those jean and flat runners again. That is over. The good news is I learned something I'd heard repeatedly but hadn't quite grasped. Clothes really can make you see the results before you have them. That was a good lesson, especially since this process takes time and patience is something I'm practicing as I go. So, I thank God for my wardrobe malfunction, once again I learned from my suffering. :)
Be blessed with a wonderful day.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Short and Sweet!
I almost forgot to write today, how rude. I'm happy to report that I am still 10 pounds down and I did not gain back the weight I lost fasting, like I thought I would. What a pleasant surpise that was. I feel good about this process, although it is hard at times. I have truly decided it is time, and for the first time in way too long for this fifty one year old to remember, I believe I will succeed. That is a great feeling.
The snow this morning reminded me of how refreshing new seasons are, and this new season of actually doing what I've been saying I was going to do for years, is equally as refreshing. I feel a new sense of hope and I feel lighter on the inside and on the scale.
I have been surprised by how very much I am enjoying blogging this process, beleive me that was not my initial reaction. Horror, would be a good definition. I have gotten so many wonderful comments and so much support from people I know and from people I don't. I can't believe how many people have visited my blog and I am flattered to say the least. Truly, this work is enjoyable.
Todays Question: "Why did I wait so long to get serious about my weight?"
I have no good answer, but I do think that sometimes I'm afraid of my own success and I need to stop that. God has given us all gifts, I seem reluctant to use them, I pray that we will all be able to see that God does indeed want us to prosper in all areas of our life...and no I'm not a prosperity preacher. I do believe that the greatest blessings have nothing to do with money, my family and friends are evidence of that fact.
So thank you all, I am so blessed and so happy to be finally committed to the process.
God bless you with a wonderful day.
The snow this morning reminded me of how refreshing new seasons are, and this new season of actually doing what I've been saying I was going to do for years, is equally as refreshing. I feel a new sense of hope and I feel lighter on the inside and on the scale.
I have been surprised by how very much I am enjoying blogging this process, beleive me that was not my initial reaction. Horror, would be a good definition. I have gotten so many wonderful comments and so much support from people I know and from people I don't. I can't believe how many people have visited my blog and I am flattered to say the least. Truly, this work is enjoyable.
Todays Question: "Why did I wait so long to get serious about my weight?"
I have no good answer, but I do think that sometimes I'm afraid of my own success and I need to stop that. God has given us all gifts, I seem reluctant to use them, I pray that we will all be able to see that God does indeed want us to prosper in all areas of our life...and no I'm not a prosperity preacher. I do believe that the greatest blessings have nothing to do with money, my family and friends are evidence of that fact.
So thank you all, I am so blessed and so happy to be finally committed to the process.
God bless you with a wonderful day.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
An Exercise in Self-Control
I have good news today, I'm down 2 pounds and have once again hit the ten pound mark. I think this is the third time if my math is right, yikes! Now before you or I pull out any celebratory comments or rewards I need to tell you that I fasted yesterday. I may be up tomorrow as a result since I plan to eat today, I do not plan to eat too much, although at this point I feel like ordering in the hungry man's breakfast, with extra everything.
Todays Question: "Why fast when you can eat?"
Good question. Answer, fasting is a very good exercise in self control and since coming back from Africa and losing control, I knew it was time. I needed to be reminded that I could in fact deny myself. I had hoped to forget that while I listened to that sweet overindulgent voice that takes control of my brain from time to time. Fasting is also good for the soul, it reminds me that God is my source, He sustains me and everytime I don't die of starvation after a fast I'm grateful. Even though I'm painfully aware that I could live for three or four months on my belly fat alone.
Fasting is also a very good rest for the body. I make sure I drink very healthy things, protien drinks, pure juices and herbal teas, just to nurish myself. However, giving your body a day off every once in a while has proven benefits. Every organ gets a much needed break, the colon cleanses, the liver rejuvinates and the brain clears. I know that last ones true because fasting always makes me realize I'm in control of what I eat. Every other day I think it's some outside force that remains nameless. I sure don't want to throw the name Jenny out there as the cause, even though I know it's true. My overfed foggy brain is such a good liar. Blasted fasting brain always highlights the truth and reveals the problem, me.
I'm not telling anyone to fast, I'm just letting you know that for me self denial is good. I need to remember that I got myself into this overweight state, nobody was stuffing the food down my throat. I dont' deny that there are times when it feels like something has taken over your body and you are blindly eating. I have experienced that and it is very confusing. You know you did it but nothing inside of you seems able to explain why. I remember being very upset after an extremely large binge, I came up to my room in a daze, I asked God why I did that and He said, "You are out of control." And that was exactly how I felt, like I had no control over myself. That truth penetrated me.
The solution? One word answer....YOU! God did not say to me, "Your control has been taken from you." He said, "YOU are out of control." It does feel like I've lost control, I know from way too many experiences that is true, but, the reality is I've surrendered it. I gave in and let that feeling take over me, it was easier than facing it. Whatever "it" is that sends you into that state, lonliness, fear, anger, emptyness, anxiety, sorrow and for some of us happiness, it needs to be seen and felt for what it is, an emotion. We must not let our emotions control us. We have the power and an amazing helper on our side. Feel it and let it go, surrender your control over the situation because you don't have it anyway, you can only control what you do with your feelings, accept and embrace the fact that you are a feeling human being. Years of experience have taught me that I can only control myself, we get in serious trouble when we think we can control others.
Yesterday I asked you to stand in the mirror and see your beauty, I really hope you did. Today take another look in the mirror, the only person looking back at you is you. That is and always will be the only person you can control. Remember that and your life will be much better.
Be blessed with a wonderful day.
Todays Question: "Why fast when you can eat?"
Good question. Answer, fasting is a very good exercise in self control and since coming back from Africa and losing control, I knew it was time. I needed to be reminded that I could in fact deny myself. I had hoped to forget that while I listened to that sweet overindulgent voice that takes control of my brain from time to time. Fasting is also good for the soul, it reminds me that God is my source, He sustains me and everytime I don't die of starvation after a fast I'm grateful. Even though I'm painfully aware that I could live for three or four months on my belly fat alone.
Fasting is also a very good rest for the body. I make sure I drink very healthy things, protien drinks, pure juices and herbal teas, just to nurish myself. However, giving your body a day off every once in a while has proven benefits. Every organ gets a much needed break, the colon cleanses, the liver rejuvinates and the brain clears. I know that last ones true because fasting always makes me realize I'm in control of what I eat. Every other day I think it's some outside force that remains nameless. I sure don't want to throw the name Jenny out there as the cause, even though I know it's true. My overfed foggy brain is such a good liar. Blasted fasting brain always highlights the truth and reveals the problem, me.
I'm not telling anyone to fast, I'm just letting you know that for me self denial is good. I need to remember that I got myself into this overweight state, nobody was stuffing the food down my throat. I dont' deny that there are times when it feels like something has taken over your body and you are blindly eating. I have experienced that and it is very confusing. You know you did it but nothing inside of you seems able to explain why. I remember being very upset after an extremely large binge, I came up to my room in a daze, I asked God why I did that and He said, "You are out of control." And that was exactly how I felt, like I had no control over myself. That truth penetrated me.
The solution? One word answer....YOU! God did not say to me, "Your control has been taken from you." He said, "YOU are out of control." It does feel like I've lost control, I know from way too many experiences that is true, but, the reality is I've surrendered it. I gave in and let that feeling take over me, it was easier than facing it. Whatever "it" is that sends you into that state, lonliness, fear, anger, emptyness, anxiety, sorrow and for some of us happiness, it needs to be seen and felt for what it is, an emotion. We must not let our emotions control us. We have the power and an amazing helper on our side. Feel it and let it go, surrender your control over the situation because you don't have it anyway, you can only control what you do with your feelings, accept and embrace the fact that you are a feeling human being. Years of experience have taught me that I can only control myself, we get in serious trouble when we think we can control others.
Yesterday I asked you to stand in the mirror and see your beauty, I really hope you did. Today take another look in the mirror, the only person looking back at you is you. That is and always will be the only person you can control. Remember that and your life will be much better.
Be blessed with a wonderful day.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Mirror, Mirror on the Wall.
I'm asking you to find a mirror, a full length one would be good, and then take a good honest look at yourself and tell me what you see. I mean really look at yourself. My condition, you are not allowed to let one negative thought enter your mind. You must silence it immediately and then reaffirm yourself with no less than three positive thoughts to any negative thoughts that come. This may sound easy, but for those of us who like to pick themselves apart when they look in the mirror it is not. I'm also asking you to go do this now, leave your computer on and take a minute to do this, it's important. Go!
Today's Question: "Did you see how beautiful you are?"
If I was in my forties I would have answered no. It would have been a resounding no, oh I could have come up with some positives, I love my hair, it's so easy to care for, I have nice eyes, I like my nose, my small ears, I also enjoy my long legs. I could say I'm happy with my hands, my fingernails, especially since I quit chewing them years ago. Those would have been my positives, my negatives, big belly, wrinkles, big boobs, that are not sitting where they should be, thank God for bras, and those skin color changes on the face and hands, oh dear I don't like that. If you would have asked me in a dark room, where no one knew who I was or could ever figure it out, did I think I was beautiful, the answer would have been no. I may have been able to pretend that I felt beautiful outside that dark room, I may even have said I was okay looking, but beautiful, wrong girl.
I am fifty one years old and it took me until I was almost fifty to realize that I was a beautiful woman, inside and out. Now for those of you who read yesterday's post, you may be thinking, not so much. However, that was yesterday, I'm not so frustrated today. I can honestly tell you that when I look in a mirror now, I genuinely like what I see. I know I need work and I can feel my flaws, but I also know that God is working in me, He will never stop. I am made in His image and I am beautiful.
When I stopped comparing myself to others and accepted who I was and how God made me, not to mention how very much He loves me, I could see my own beauty. I liked the person I saw looking back at me. I didn't care if I wasn't perfect, or built like someone else, I was happy with my body, even with extra weight on. Remember I'm not losing weight for show, it is truly a health choice for me. I can finally see that beauty comes from within and flows out, not visa versa. (please re-read that.) I realize the work I need cannot be done in a plastic surgeons chair, it must be inward, no man can give you what you don't feel. No physical change will soften your heart.
If I could spare you younger ladies years of self-loathing with this post, I'd be so happy. I want you to see what God sees, know you are not perfect, but know you are loved perfectly by a Father who made you in His image and set His seal upon you. He has decaled you are beautiful, "I gave you beauty for ashes." We are ashes, He gave us beauty. It's in you. Please let it out. True beauty is not seen first but felt, once it's felt the one who possesses it cannot help but radiate it. All will see how beautiful you are when you do!
I'm fifty one years old and I can tell you I have gotten more compliments in the latter part of my life than I ever did when I was young. When I saw my own beauty other people did too. Remarkable. I pray you will all stand looking in your mirrors for as long as it takes for you to accept how beautiful you truly are.
God bless you with a wonderful day.
Today's Question: "Did you see how beautiful you are?"
If I was in my forties I would have answered no. It would have been a resounding no, oh I could have come up with some positives, I love my hair, it's so easy to care for, I have nice eyes, I like my nose, my small ears, I also enjoy my long legs. I could say I'm happy with my hands, my fingernails, especially since I quit chewing them years ago. Those would have been my positives, my negatives, big belly, wrinkles, big boobs, that are not sitting where they should be, thank God for bras, and those skin color changes on the face and hands, oh dear I don't like that. If you would have asked me in a dark room, where no one knew who I was or could ever figure it out, did I think I was beautiful, the answer would have been no. I may have been able to pretend that I felt beautiful outside that dark room, I may even have said I was okay looking, but beautiful, wrong girl.
I am fifty one years old and it took me until I was almost fifty to realize that I was a beautiful woman, inside and out. Now for those of you who read yesterday's post, you may be thinking, not so much. However, that was yesterday, I'm not so frustrated today. I can honestly tell you that when I look in a mirror now, I genuinely like what I see. I know I need work and I can feel my flaws, but I also know that God is working in me, He will never stop. I am made in His image and I am beautiful.
When I stopped comparing myself to others and accepted who I was and how God made me, not to mention how very much He loves me, I could see my own beauty. I liked the person I saw looking back at me. I didn't care if I wasn't perfect, or built like someone else, I was happy with my body, even with extra weight on. Remember I'm not losing weight for show, it is truly a health choice for me. I can finally see that beauty comes from within and flows out, not visa versa. (please re-read that.) I realize the work I need cannot be done in a plastic surgeons chair, it must be inward, no man can give you what you don't feel. No physical change will soften your heart.
If I could spare you younger ladies years of self-loathing with this post, I'd be so happy. I want you to see what God sees, know you are not perfect, but know you are loved perfectly by a Father who made you in His image and set His seal upon you. He has decaled you are beautiful, "I gave you beauty for ashes." We are ashes, He gave us beauty. It's in you. Please let it out. True beauty is not seen first but felt, once it's felt the one who possesses it cannot help but radiate it. All will see how beautiful you are when you do!
I'm fifty one years old and I can tell you I have gotten more compliments in the latter part of my life than I ever did when I was young. When I saw my own beauty other people did too. Remarkable. I pray you will all stand looking in your mirrors for as long as it takes for you to accept how beautiful you truly are.
God bless you with a wonderful day.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Frustration
This would not be frustration over weight loss or gain but rather frustration that only someone extremely close to you can enduce. This may or may not come as surprise to some you, my husband can frustrate me like no one else. He is amazing and I love him the most, second only to Jesus, but I tell you there are days when I feel like he is going to make me explode. Fortuantely they don't happen often, but when they do, yikes. I see a side of myself that I do not like and seem powerless to change.
Todays Question: "Why do the people we love the most frustrate us the most?"
Oh my Lord I wish I had the answer. However, I do not. I feel my temperature boiling, I know I'm being a jerk. You would think this saint would know to stop, reality, I had to be made saintly, I assure you it is not in me. So all I can do is ask God to help me, I don't seem able to help myself.
I would love it if I could just stop writing now, if I could leave you all with the impression that I am powerless to change. Poor me. Once again I'm getting one of those reality checks, I prefer cash. I have the power to change, I chose to go with my anger, I chose to respond negatively, I chose to let Gord bother me. For that matter, anytime I lose it, I've made a choice. I'd like to play the victum, I'd love it if my husband, my children, a teller, a clerk, anyone really, could be completely and totally responsible for my bad behaviour. I mean really, couldn't somebody other than me be at fault. Please!
So what am I really doing when I give in and go with what I feel? Forgetting who I really am, and sometimes who I want to be. I really want to treat the people I love better than anyone else, and yet I do the opposite. I know why, it is the security of knowing that these people will always love me...in spite of how I act from time to time. I have made that a wonderful excuse to behave badly. Next question, should I! NO! One word answer that deserves repeating...NO!
I see clearly that God loves me no matter how I act and I see that my husband, my children and my friends, love me no matter how I act. Oh I'm sure neither are impressed with how I act at times, I have no doubt they don't always like my actions, however, they always love me and I'm so grateful. I need to let that gratitude come to mind everytime I go with my bad attittude. I need to remember I am loved unconditionally and then act like someone who is loved and who loves deeply.
Today I need forgiveness, bad attitutde yet again Lord, please help me to change and to make better choices. Remind me of how blessed I am. And Lord, help me to treat the people I love the most as wonderfully as I do strangers.
Be blessed with a wonderful day.
Todays Question: "Why do the people we love the most frustrate us the most?"
Oh my Lord I wish I had the answer. However, I do not. I feel my temperature boiling, I know I'm being a jerk. You would think this saint would know to stop, reality, I had to be made saintly, I assure you it is not in me. So all I can do is ask God to help me, I don't seem able to help myself.
I would love it if I could just stop writing now, if I could leave you all with the impression that I am powerless to change. Poor me. Once again I'm getting one of those reality checks, I prefer cash. I have the power to change, I chose to go with my anger, I chose to respond negatively, I chose to let Gord bother me. For that matter, anytime I lose it, I've made a choice. I'd like to play the victum, I'd love it if my husband, my children, a teller, a clerk, anyone really, could be completely and totally responsible for my bad behaviour. I mean really, couldn't somebody other than me be at fault. Please!
So what am I really doing when I give in and go with what I feel? Forgetting who I really am, and sometimes who I want to be. I really want to treat the people I love better than anyone else, and yet I do the opposite. I know why, it is the security of knowing that these people will always love me...in spite of how I act from time to time. I have made that a wonderful excuse to behave badly. Next question, should I! NO! One word answer that deserves repeating...NO!
I see clearly that God loves me no matter how I act and I see that my husband, my children and my friends, love me no matter how I act. Oh I'm sure neither are impressed with how I act at times, I have no doubt they don't always like my actions, however, they always love me and I'm so grateful. I need to let that gratitude come to mind everytime I go with my bad attittude. I need to remember I am loved unconditionally and then act like someone who is loved and who loves deeply.
Today I need forgiveness, bad attitutde yet again Lord, please help me to change and to make better choices. Remind me of how blessed I am. And Lord, help me to treat the people I love the most as wonderfully as I do strangers.
Be blessed with a wonderful day.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Results!
I'm down a pound, that makes eight. I feel a bit like a repeater since I've been here before but I sure enjoyed all that African food. So no whinning, that's my policy. I'm sure my wonderful weight loss is due to the exercise I did with my BFF yesterday. It's her birthday on Monday and since we can't be together we made her celebration Friday. What does that have to do with exercise? Let me tell you. We walked almost a whole block from Earls to Spasation, and be prepared, we also walked from the parking lot at winners to Second Cup, maybe aother half a block. I'm surprised I didn't lose two pounds with all that exercising.
Todays Question: "Are you laughing at me?"
I hope not. I realize that may not seem like a huge feat, but trust me, I'd have driven from door to door on both occasions in the past. My motto had always been, "Why walk if you can drive?" It was a sound motto. I am however striving to do more and so once again I'm taking baby steps. I told you I hate exercise and I wasn't allowed to say that word when I was growing up so it's almost a swear. Sorry about that. I'm grateful to Lucie for her willingness to walk with me, it didn't seem like work with her at my side. And that brings me to todays point.
If you have someone to walk with life is just so much better. Doesn't matter if it's a husband or a friend, a son or a daughter, a brother or a sister, a horse or a dog. It's just so much nicer to have a friend along as you journey. My husband used to work out of town and one night after a horrible feeding frenzy I sat in my chair wondering why I had eaten so much. Every once in a while when I ask questions God answers. He said I was lonely. I was shocked. My kids were in their rooms, I'd just finished talking to Gord for an hour or so on the phone and I could have phoned or visited with any one of the wonderful people in my life. What did God mean when He said I was lonely? I knew what God was saying was true but I couldn't wrap my head around why I'd be lonely. I'm not sure I've figured it out yet but I'll give it my best.
I have discovered over the years that a person can be in a room full of people and still feel alone. It's that sense that no one completely understands you, no one has figured out who you truly are. And that my friends can leave you feeling lonely. Honestly, I'm not sure I want anyone to know me that well so I take responsiblity for my lonliness on those rare days when I feel like that. I'm thankful they are rare. However, they have a value that I fear I could miss if I didn't pay attention. That value, for me, is realizing that no one fully knows me except God. If I'm truly being honest with myself I don't even know the potential I have, or who I truly am for that matter, since God is at work in me daily and He can change a person in an instant, I have no idea what the end result will be. So I'm glad we have a sense of lonliness that no one can fill. I'm glad that God reserves a place in us that only He can occupy.
When I'm lonely I focus on the words of Christ, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." He would not have said that if He didn't know I'd feel it. He knew we would all feel lonely from time to time. He wanted us to be sure that in spite of what we felt from day to day, He "is" and "always" will be walking with us. He will perfect us one day and I just know that it will not happen here. Not an excuse to quit, motivation to press on.
So thank you Lucie for walking with me, and thank you Jesus for giving me so many beautiful people to journey with. Above all, thank you Jesus for never leaving us, no matter how we feel. I absolutely love you.
Be blessed with a wonderful day. Remembering you are "never" alone.
Todays Question: "Are you laughing at me?"
I hope not. I realize that may not seem like a huge feat, but trust me, I'd have driven from door to door on both occasions in the past. My motto had always been, "Why walk if you can drive?" It was a sound motto. I am however striving to do more and so once again I'm taking baby steps. I told you I hate exercise and I wasn't allowed to say that word when I was growing up so it's almost a swear. Sorry about that. I'm grateful to Lucie for her willingness to walk with me, it didn't seem like work with her at my side. And that brings me to todays point.
If you have someone to walk with life is just so much better. Doesn't matter if it's a husband or a friend, a son or a daughter, a brother or a sister, a horse or a dog. It's just so much nicer to have a friend along as you journey. My husband used to work out of town and one night after a horrible feeding frenzy I sat in my chair wondering why I had eaten so much. Every once in a while when I ask questions God answers. He said I was lonely. I was shocked. My kids were in their rooms, I'd just finished talking to Gord for an hour or so on the phone and I could have phoned or visited with any one of the wonderful people in my life. What did God mean when He said I was lonely? I knew what God was saying was true but I couldn't wrap my head around why I'd be lonely. I'm not sure I've figured it out yet but I'll give it my best.
I have discovered over the years that a person can be in a room full of people and still feel alone. It's that sense that no one completely understands you, no one has figured out who you truly are. And that my friends can leave you feeling lonely. Honestly, I'm not sure I want anyone to know me that well so I take responsiblity for my lonliness on those rare days when I feel like that. I'm thankful they are rare. However, they have a value that I fear I could miss if I didn't pay attention. That value, for me, is realizing that no one fully knows me except God. If I'm truly being honest with myself I don't even know the potential I have, or who I truly am for that matter, since God is at work in me daily and He can change a person in an instant, I have no idea what the end result will be. So I'm glad we have a sense of lonliness that no one can fill. I'm glad that God reserves a place in us that only He can occupy.
When I'm lonely I focus on the words of Christ, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." He would not have said that if He didn't know I'd feel it. He knew we would all feel lonely from time to time. He wanted us to be sure that in spite of what we felt from day to day, He "is" and "always" will be walking with us. He will perfect us one day and I just know that it will not happen here. Not an excuse to quit, motivation to press on.
So thank you Lucie for walking with me, and thank you Jesus for giving me so many beautiful people to journey with. Above all, thank you Jesus for never leaving us, no matter how we feel. I absolutely love you.
Be blessed with a wonderful day. Remembering you are "never" alone.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Seeing a difference.
When my kids were little all three of them would come running from any room in the house to watch the ABC laundry soap commerical. Some wonderful man was comparing ABC soap to Tide, stating as he held up two very white shirts, one washed in Tide and one washed in ABC, that he did not see a difference, then he would ask, "Do you see a difference?" The answer, "Price, price is the difference." Now I have no idea why this commercial so fascinated Calvin, Tessa or Gordon, but they seriously raced to watch it. Then Tessa and Gordon in their funny little language would say, "I don't see a bifference, do you see a bifference. Price, price is the bifference." Calvin and I would both laugh and off they'd all go back to their play until it came on again. It was so cute.
Today's Question: "How does that relate to weight loss?"
Answer, I'm the same on the scale today, okay down a half pound but we don't count those so, the same. But I see a difference. I feel it in my clothes, see it in my face and I plain and simply feel lighter, and yet that scale is reminding me of the ABC laundry soap man stating that their is no difference, when I know there is. ABC laundry soap was not as good as Tide, however, it took a couple months of using it to figure that out. The results right after you used it were the same, it took time to reveal that the clothes were not coming out so white. And that is what I think the scale is doing, appearing the same but I know it's different and time will reveal that I am indeed lighter...not whiter...but lighter.
Exercise, did she or didn't she? Yes and no. I did not do a set routine, I did however chase, carry and follow Zayin around for the better part of the day. Exhausting and so much fun. Everytime I have that little cutie I lose weight, this time it was only a half pound, in the past it's been one. So I count that as exercise because by the end of the day we are both ready for bed. He's an expert at climbing stairs, I'm not. He keeps going, Grandma has to rest. Thank God for Grandpa and Christan, they helped.
I also want to say, to all my very encouraging friends, that price does not make the difference in this case, but your support and encouragment do. I am so blessed by your kind words, your input, thanks Shannon/Cynthia for the tips on exercise, thanks Christan for the flowers and note, thanks Gordon/Chantel and Tessa/Dave for teaching me, thanks Misty, Lana, Lucie, Kathy my niece, Keli, Scott, Joanna, and so many others for praying and encouraging me. I can't tell how much whiter and brighter you make me feel.
Be blessed with a wonderful day.
Today's Question: "How does that relate to weight loss?"
Answer, I'm the same on the scale today, okay down a half pound but we don't count those so, the same. But I see a difference. I feel it in my clothes, see it in my face and I plain and simply feel lighter, and yet that scale is reminding me of the ABC laundry soap man stating that their is no difference, when I know there is. ABC laundry soap was not as good as Tide, however, it took a couple months of using it to figure that out. The results right after you used it were the same, it took time to reveal that the clothes were not coming out so white. And that is what I think the scale is doing, appearing the same but I know it's different and time will reveal that I am indeed lighter...not whiter...but lighter.
Exercise, did she or didn't she? Yes and no. I did not do a set routine, I did however chase, carry and follow Zayin around for the better part of the day. Exhausting and so much fun. Everytime I have that little cutie I lose weight, this time it was only a half pound, in the past it's been one. So I count that as exercise because by the end of the day we are both ready for bed. He's an expert at climbing stairs, I'm not. He keeps going, Grandma has to rest. Thank God for Grandpa and Christan, they helped.
I also want to say, to all my very encouraging friends, that price does not make the difference in this case, but your support and encouragment do. I am so blessed by your kind words, your input, thanks Shannon/Cynthia for the tips on exercise, thanks Christan for the flowers and note, thanks Gordon/Chantel and Tessa/Dave for teaching me, thanks Misty, Lana, Lucie, Kathy my niece, Keli, Scott, Joanna, and so many others for praying and encouraging me. I can't tell how much whiter and brighter you make me feel.
Be blessed with a wonderful day.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
My horse is lame and so am I.
Not all the time but sometimes. I'm wondering why this process is going so slow and found that the answer is me. I'm wanting more results but, like my lame horse, I'm dragging my leg. One foots is all the way in, fully committed, the other one, limping along behind. I'm not sure how Electric, my horse, got lame, I'm guessing he kicked at a horse and missed. He likes to be the boss in the field, once you make that choice you have to fight to stay on top. And that leads to...
Todays Question: "Why am I willing to be the submissive horse in the field of weight loss?"
Answer, my good leg is fully in, I listen to that leg and don't overeat, my back leg is the one that knows I need to combine exercise with eating less in order to see results. So drag, drag, drag. Do you know, I'm comfortable being lame? I hear this voice in my head everyday, you should exercise, just take a walk, dance around your house you like that, do some yoga it's easy for you, ride your stationary bike, or bounce on your rebounder. I hear it, I ignore it, I have a bad leg you know.
Could someone please tell me how to motivate myself to exercise. I know in a few months, when we move into our new place, I'll be moving. But should I make that my "new" excuse to do nothing until then? I know the answer is no. Now be aware, I have a daughter-in-law, Cynthia who owns a gym in Leduc, one of my daughters best friends Shannon, is more than willing to work with me, she is also a personal trainer, I have a lifetime membership to Spa Lady, and I have every piece of exercise equipment needed to successfully work out. So please know, for me, these facts are great, but I have zero desire to use any of my wonderful resources. I want to want to exercise, I want to love it like other people do. I don't.
And once again, I'm comparing myself to others and wishing I was them. Not healthy, not accepting that I am different and that's okay. So I'm beating myself up, not swinging my arms, that would be exercise, but bashing my brain with internal blows. I need to find something that will work for me, something that will give me exercise that I can enjoy. I'll be needed your prayers, at this point in my life that seems to be an impossible request.
Now this piece of the puzzle really complicates things, I love doing yoga, I love riding my bike outside, I enjoying dancing. Three forms of exercise I truly like, still can't motivate myself to do them. Why? Wish I had the answer. Right now as I lay comfortably in my bed I'm thinking just get up and do it, I felt the same way yesterday and the day before. I often go to bed thinking, "Tomorrow morning I'm doing my yoga." only to get up and make breakfast. Something always distracts me, let me rephrase that, I always allow something to distract me.
So since blogging my weight loss journey has helped me so much to stay committed I'm afraid I'm going to have to make the committment to exercise and blog about that as well. Maybe only a one comment line I'll call; "Did she or didn't she." I'll answer yes or no. That's it, okay maybe I'll let you know what I did as well. I want to hit the backspace button and erase everything I just wrote but I'm not going to. I now committ to let you know when I exercise or don't each and everyday. I realize that gives me permission to exercise or not...please remember...I'm lame.
Be blessed with a wonderful day.
Todays Question: "Why am I willing to be the submissive horse in the field of weight loss?"
Answer, my good leg is fully in, I listen to that leg and don't overeat, my back leg is the one that knows I need to combine exercise with eating less in order to see results. So drag, drag, drag. Do you know, I'm comfortable being lame? I hear this voice in my head everyday, you should exercise, just take a walk, dance around your house you like that, do some yoga it's easy for you, ride your stationary bike, or bounce on your rebounder. I hear it, I ignore it, I have a bad leg you know.
Could someone please tell me how to motivate myself to exercise. I know in a few months, when we move into our new place, I'll be moving. But should I make that my "new" excuse to do nothing until then? I know the answer is no. Now be aware, I have a daughter-in-law, Cynthia who owns a gym in Leduc, one of my daughters best friends Shannon, is more than willing to work with me, she is also a personal trainer, I have a lifetime membership to Spa Lady, and I have every piece of exercise equipment needed to successfully work out. So please know, for me, these facts are great, but I have zero desire to use any of my wonderful resources. I want to want to exercise, I want to love it like other people do. I don't.
And once again, I'm comparing myself to others and wishing I was them. Not healthy, not accepting that I am different and that's okay. So I'm beating myself up, not swinging my arms, that would be exercise, but bashing my brain with internal blows. I need to find something that will work for me, something that will give me exercise that I can enjoy. I'll be needed your prayers, at this point in my life that seems to be an impossible request.
Now this piece of the puzzle really complicates things, I love doing yoga, I love riding my bike outside, I enjoying dancing. Three forms of exercise I truly like, still can't motivate myself to do them. Why? Wish I had the answer. Right now as I lay comfortably in my bed I'm thinking just get up and do it, I felt the same way yesterday and the day before. I often go to bed thinking, "Tomorrow morning I'm doing my yoga." only to get up and make breakfast. Something always distracts me, let me rephrase that, I always allow something to distract me.
So since blogging my weight loss journey has helped me so much to stay committed I'm afraid I'm going to have to make the committment to exercise and blog about that as well. Maybe only a one comment line I'll call; "Did she or didn't she." I'll answer yes or no. That's it, okay maybe I'll let you know what I did as well. I want to hit the backspace button and erase everything I just wrote but I'm not going to. I now committ to let you know when I exercise or don't each and everyday. I realize that gives me permission to exercise or not...please remember...I'm lame.
Be blessed with a wonderful day.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Adjusting
I've been home for six days now and I am finally starting to feel normal. My tummy, although growling often, is adjusting to less grease and fried food, back to more healthy choices. I didn't see a loss today but I stayed the same and after the wonderful dinner I had last night that is remarkable, to say the least. So it would seem that balance is being slowly restored.
The above paragraph is easy to read and was easy to write, I have to tell you that these last six days have been anything but easy. I have noticed that once you start to eat more it is very difficult to make the shift back to eating less. It is a daily struggle, but it is starting to get easier.
On Tuesday night I went with my beautiful son to a hockey game. I was smart and ate first to avoid all the junk. I was doing just fine until Gordon returned after the first period break with a bucket of popcorn. Oh the good Lord knows that popcorn is my weakness. Why...why not icecream, I can resist that. I decided to have some, since I ate such a light supper. I purposed to eat one kernal at a time, once in a while I got two. I could taste the salt, I was sure my body was already swelling and that I'd be up two pounds by morning if I kept eating, so I stopped. I aksed Gordon to move the popcorn over to the other side, he didn't get my logic. He said, "Exercise some self-control Mom."
Todays Question: "What the heck is self-control?"
Answer, not giving in I guess. So, I think I made two minutes and then my resolve to quit and my one to two kernels at a time, blasted right up to handfuls and face stuffing at a rate that makes Andretti look slow. I went head first into what I like to call the "blank eating zone". Yep, right after I'd made the decision I was done. Gordon happened to look over, perhaps he was trying to figure out why my arm that was against his was moving so fast. He gave me that, you've got to be kidding look and said something like, "Mom, you've gone from one at a time to handfuls." I deferred, "Get the popcorn away from me." I could see the confusion on his face. I knew he expected me to quit, and I did after one more handful. I explained that I'd need God's help to stop but I was struggling to make the commitment. I knew once I told God I wasn't having anymore I'd have to do it. He said, "I stopped doing that Mom, it doesn't work." I said, "It does for me but I have to mean it." I confessed to Gordon that I didn't want to ask God for help and then it was over, the popcorn no longer had me by the throat.
Not exactly the model for self-control am I? I'm coining the phrase "bez" blank eating zone. I'm going to stop giving myself permission to travel into that zone. I have to focus. I saw that popcorn coming and I knew I was going to give into it. I heard the words "self-control" and I lost it. Same old problem coming back to haunt me, I want to have what everyone else is having. I do not want to miss out. I so easily forget that I can have the popcorn, I mean seriously I proved that. I can eat whatever I want and I can eat as much as I want. No one can stop me. It is my choice. God help me to remember that I have chosen a path that yeilds results that are so much better for my overall well-being. I want to be healthy, I want to be free of this over-eating disorder. I want to be your servant and a slave to nothing. Why did a cardboard box of popcorn become my ruler? Because I surrendered to it, that's why. And that my friends needs to end.
Be blessed with a wonderful day.
The above paragraph is easy to read and was easy to write, I have to tell you that these last six days have been anything but easy. I have noticed that once you start to eat more it is very difficult to make the shift back to eating less. It is a daily struggle, but it is starting to get easier.
On Tuesday night I went with my beautiful son to a hockey game. I was smart and ate first to avoid all the junk. I was doing just fine until Gordon returned after the first period break with a bucket of popcorn. Oh the good Lord knows that popcorn is my weakness. Why...why not icecream, I can resist that. I decided to have some, since I ate such a light supper. I purposed to eat one kernal at a time, once in a while I got two. I could taste the salt, I was sure my body was already swelling and that I'd be up two pounds by morning if I kept eating, so I stopped. I aksed Gordon to move the popcorn over to the other side, he didn't get my logic. He said, "Exercise some self-control Mom."
Todays Question: "What the heck is self-control?"
Answer, not giving in I guess. So, I think I made two minutes and then my resolve to quit and my one to two kernels at a time, blasted right up to handfuls and face stuffing at a rate that makes Andretti look slow. I went head first into what I like to call the "blank eating zone". Yep, right after I'd made the decision I was done. Gordon happened to look over, perhaps he was trying to figure out why my arm that was against his was moving so fast. He gave me that, you've got to be kidding look and said something like, "Mom, you've gone from one at a time to handfuls." I deferred, "Get the popcorn away from me." I could see the confusion on his face. I knew he expected me to quit, and I did after one more handful. I explained that I'd need God's help to stop but I was struggling to make the commitment. I knew once I told God I wasn't having anymore I'd have to do it. He said, "I stopped doing that Mom, it doesn't work." I said, "It does for me but I have to mean it." I confessed to Gordon that I didn't want to ask God for help and then it was over, the popcorn no longer had me by the throat.
Not exactly the model for self-control am I? I'm coining the phrase "bez" blank eating zone. I'm going to stop giving myself permission to travel into that zone. I have to focus. I saw that popcorn coming and I knew I was going to give into it. I heard the words "self-control" and I lost it. Same old problem coming back to haunt me, I want to have what everyone else is having. I do not want to miss out. I so easily forget that I can have the popcorn, I mean seriously I proved that. I can eat whatever I want and I can eat as much as I want. No one can stop me. It is my choice. God help me to remember that I have chosen a path that yeilds results that are so much better for my overall well-being. I want to be healthy, I want to be free of this over-eating disorder. I want to be your servant and a slave to nothing. Why did a cardboard box of popcorn become my ruler? Because I surrendered to it, that's why. And that my friends needs to end.
Be blessed with a wonderful day.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Struggling!
It's been one of those days where I'm struggling to find the motivaiton to write and I think I'm having what I like to call a "crash". I define that as a day when I hit the wall. Crash works for me because that's what it feels like. I'm lacking energy, zip, and that pizzaz stuff that for some reason reminds me of pizza. I love the english language, even when I kill it.
Todays Question: "How do you motivate yourself to take action?"
Answer, you just begin. I sit here ready to type my blog without motivation and I'm writing, things are flowing. Not sure where the flow will end but I started and I think that is the key to self-motivation. Doing what we know we need to do, even when we don't feel like doing it, that would be my definition. I really just want to put my head down and sleep. I really want to be fifty one pounds lighter without the work, I really want energy and I don't have it.
Sometimes I think what we all need is to take a load off and just sit, without guilt and without self condemnation. Relax and let our minds wander. Dare to dream, dare to think about what's really going on inside. I try to avoid that at all cost but today if I was honest, and that is my desire, I would tell you that I don't feel like blogging, I don't feel like cleaning my house, I don't feel like talking, I don't feel like doing anything. Why? I'm tired, pure and simple, nothing to complicated about that. I need to sit in my quiet house, in my comfy chair and just be still. It's good for my soul.
I am down a pound, that makes me very happy as I'm seeing the weight from Africa come off quickly. Thank God. I have to tell you I'm way too tired to rejoice over that with any enthusiasm, I am happy but I can't even stand the thought of bouncing off the walls right now. I think I want everyone to know that it's okay to be tired. I think we all need to embrace our own inabilities and realize that we are human and we need rest. So I'm not going to stop blogging, I will do what I have committed to do. But, I don't have to pretend it's always easy just to impress someone. I can just say, today I was "almost" too tired to blog.
I love getting older, it truly does make you wiser, at least smart enough to know when enough is enough and it's time to rest.
Be blessed with a wonderful and "restful" day.
Todays Question: "How do you motivate yourself to take action?"
Answer, you just begin. I sit here ready to type my blog without motivation and I'm writing, things are flowing. Not sure where the flow will end but I started and I think that is the key to self-motivation. Doing what we know we need to do, even when we don't feel like doing it, that would be my definition. I really just want to put my head down and sleep. I really want to be fifty one pounds lighter without the work, I really want energy and I don't have it.
Sometimes I think what we all need is to take a load off and just sit, without guilt and without self condemnation. Relax and let our minds wander. Dare to dream, dare to think about what's really going on inside. I try to avoid that at all cost but today if I was honest, and that is my desire, I would tell you that I don't feel like blogging, I don't feel like cleaning my house, I don't feel like talking, I don't feel like doing anything. Why? I'm tired, pure and simple, nothing to complicated about that. I need to sit in my quiet house, in my comfy chair and just be still. It's good for my soul.
I am down a pound, that makes me very happy as I'm seeing the weight from Africa come off quickly. Thank God. I have to tell you I'm way too tired to rejoice over that with any enthusiasm, I am happy but I can't even stand the thought of bouncing off the walls right now. I think I want everyone to know that it's okay to be tired. I think we all need to embrace our own inabilities and realize that we are human and we need rest. So I'm not going to stop blogging, I will do what I have committed to do. But, I don't have to pretend it's always easy just to impress someone. I can just say, today I was "almost" too tired to blog.
I love getting older, it truly does make you wiser, at least smart enough to know when enough is enough and it's time to rest.
Be blessed with a wonderful and "restful" day.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Oh Happy Day!
Each day is a blessing so no matter what the scale says this morning I'm calling it a happy day. I've got nothing to lose and everything to gain. How's that for a weight lose slogan? I'm slowly finding my way back to eating less and I'm seriously thinking about adding exercise to the mix once again. I said, "thinking", boy do I hate exercise.
We have just purchased a four acre farm minutes from Beaumont. It is the orginal farmhouse from 1932 of a well know family in our growing community. I'm hoping that I will find my way to a more active lifestyle as we plan to have no less than two horses, cats to prevent mice, dogs to prevent intruders of all kinds and enough shops for Gord to add to his already extremely large collection of tools and junk. (Do not tell him I said that "j" word.) There is almost 3 acres of lawn, the property is surrounded by beautiful trees of many kinds, I will have a large garden and even a dugout for ducks and swans if I choose. My point, we are forcing ourselves into a much busier lifestyle. So exercise of the "not" so boring kind will become a huge part of my life as I mow lawns, garden, horseback ride, feed and groom animals of all kinds and snowmobile and dirt bike my way into the land of fitness. I can look forward to that. Until then I'm going to labor away at some form of exercise, right now flexing my legs in my recliner counts.
Todays Question: "Why can't we be like the Europeans and walk or ride bikes everywhere?"
Answer, 40 below.
I took the trip up the stairs to the scale and I'm down a pound. Yipee! I'm back to baby steps again in this process but thanks to this blogging and the commitment I made to write it, I'm not quitting so baby steps are a good thing. I've discovered it's hard to come back to something and be as committed to it as I was before I took 12 days off. I may have to get an I-Phone or a Blackberry so I can blog in every country. It really does make a difference for me, turns out accountability is a contributing factor for my success.
I hope the next few days find me newly committed and back on the path I was on before I went to Africa. I pray God gives us all the strength we need each day to choose life abundantly. I truly want to move into a new dimension of freedom from the things that have bound me. Oh...wait, I bind myself. God help me to recognize the ropes sliding past my belly to my throat. Did I say sliding past my belly, I meant being forced. I need to stop binding myself, I no longer want to be a slave to food..."I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." And so can you!
Be blessed with a wonderful day.
We have just purchased a four acre farm minutes from Beaumont. It is the orginal farmhouse from 1932 of a well know family in our growing community. I'm hoping that I will find my way to a more active lifestyle as we plan to have no less than two horses, cats to prevent mice, dogs to prevent intruders of all kinds and enough shops for Gord to add to his already extremely large collection of tools and junk. (Do not tell him I said that "j" word.) There is almost 3 acres of lawn, the property is surrounded by beautiful trees of many kinds, I will have a large garden and even a dugout for ducks and swans if I choose. My point, we are forcing ourselves into a much busier lifestyle. So exercise of the "not" so boring kind will become a huge part of my life as I mow lawns, garden, horseback ride, feed and groom animals of all kinds and snowmobile and dirt bike my way into the land of fitness. I can look forward to that. Until then I'm going to labor away at some form of exercise, right now flexing my legs in my recliner counts.
Todays Question: "Why can't we be like the Europeans and walk or ride bikes everywhere?"
Answer, 40 below.
I took the trip up the stairs to the scale and I'm down a pound. Yipee! I'm back to baby steps again in this process but thanks to this blogging and the commitment I made to write it, I'm not quitting so baby steps are a good thing. I've discovered it's hard to come back to something and be as committed to it as I was before I took 12 days off. I may have to get an I-Phone or a Blackberry so I can blog in every country. It really does make a difference for me, turns out accountability is a contributing factor for my success.
I hope the next few days find me newly committed and back on the path I was on before I went to Africa. I pray God gives us all the strength we need each day to choose life abundantly. I truly want to move into a new dimension of freedom from the things that have bound me. Oh...wait, I bind myself. God help me to recognize the ropes sliding past my belly to my throat. Did I say sliding past my belly, I meant being forced. I need to stop binding myself, I no longer want to be a slave to food..."I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." And so can you!
Be blessed with a wonderful day.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Turn it On!
Life is like a lightswitch, we have power but we have to be turned on. This morning I'm feeling like I forget sometimes that I flip the switch. I wait for the miracle of weight lose, okay it's a stretch but for me losing weight seems like a miracle. I'm waiting for a change but I want it to come without me having to move towards it. I want results that I'd rather not work for.
Todays Question: "Does anyone else do what I do? Look for results with little or no effort.
It's confession day, I wanted water weight to be the cause of my weight gain, I knew I was overeating but don't you agree that water retention sounds better. I was happy this morning when I weighed for two reasons, I didn't gain any weight, and it's that time of the month. Now that does not make most women happy, but for those of us who have gained weight without reason, as a result of this monthly occurance, you understand my joy. It felt like a reason to celebrate, mabye this is a factor...time will tell.
I feel this morning that I have power, but I'm not accessing it. What good is a light switch if you are standing in the dark and can't find it? What good is power that is not accessed? The answer, no good. I want to change, God is my power source, He's willing to help me, He speaks and I ignore. He instructs me and I don't listen. I know that I may seem stuck on this point, I blame myself. Slow to hear, slow to listen, slow to respond. This weight loss is going slow, I'm up then I'm down, back up, back down. I do everything fast...except lose weight, I can gain it as you have heard in no time at all. I tell you friends, this is my mountain and I'm scared of heights.
So, there it is. Scared of heights, scared of success, scared of being thin. It's back. Like a bad smell in the fridge you can't find, it's back. I wish this was something I could put bleach on to remove its smell but it lingers. A long time ago God showed me that garbage stinks. I was looking at my life and wondering why I kept repeating patterns. He told me I could put my garbage in a nice scented bag, I could press my garbage down, and I could put nice smelling deordizers on it, but Jenny He gently said...garbage stinks. It must be taken out. And that is the definition of why I'm going so slow, I don't want to take my garbage out, I'm used to the stink.
Now what? I press on. I keep looking, I keep trying and I don't quit. That is what I would have done in the past, just quit. It's easier. Or so I thought, what I have missed in the past is that I'm the person I'm cheating, I'm the person who is missing out. I want to be free of this and yes I'm used to the smell but I have to tell you...I want a new smell. One that does not stink but one that reminds me of the fragrance of Jesus. The smell of life and a future and a hope. That "is" what I want.
I have power, God given and freely given, to enable me to overcome any and every obstacle. I've been through way worse things than needing to lose weight. I'd be wise to remember that. Forgetting what is behind me and pressing on to the freedom God gives. I pray God helps us all to remember we have power...turn it on!
Be blessed with a wonderful day.
Todays Question: "Does anyone else do what I do? Look for results with little or no effort.
It's confession day, I wanted water weight to be the cause of my weight gain, I knew I was overeating but don't you agree that water retention sounds better. I was happy this morning when I weighed for two reasons, I didn't gain any weight, and it's that time of the month. Now that does not make most women happy, but for those of us who have gained weight without reason, as a result of this monthly occurance, you understand my joy. It felt like a reason to celebrate, mabye this is a factor...time will tell.
I feel this morning that I have power, but I'm not accessing it. What good is a light switch if you are standing in the dark and can't find it? What good is power that is not accessed? The answer, no good. I want to change, God is my power source, He's willing to help me, He speaks and I ignore. He instructs me and I don't listen. I know that I may seem stuck on this point, I blame myself. Slow to hear, slow to listen, slow to respond. This weight loss is going slow, I'm up then I'm down, back up, back down. I do everything fast...except lose weight, I can gain it as you have heard in no time at all. I tell you friends, this is my mountain and I'm scared of heights.
So, there it is. Scared of heights, scared of success, scared of being thin. It's back. Like a bad smell in the fridge you can't find, it's back. I wish this was something I could put bleach on to remove its smell but it lingers. A long time ago God showed me that garbage stinks. I was looking at my life and wondering why I kept repeating patterns. He told me I could put my garbage in a nice scented bag, I could press my garbage down, and I could put nice smelling deordizers on it, but Jenny He gently said...garbage stinks. It must be taken out. And that is the definition of why I'm going so slow, I don't want to take my garbage out, I'm used to the stink.
Now what? I press on. I keep looking, I keep trying and I don't quit. That is what I would have done in the past, just quit. It's easier. Or so I thought, what I have missed in the past is that I'm the person I'm cheating, I'm the person who is missing out. I want to be free of this and yes I'm used to the smell but I have to tell you...I want a new smell. One that does not stink but one that reminds me of the fragrance of Jesus. The smell of life and a future and a hope. That "is" what I want.
I have power, God given and freely given, to enable me to overcome any and every obstacle. I've been through way worse things than needing to lose weight. I'd be wise to remember that. Forgetting what is behind me and pressing on to the freedom God gives. I pray God helps us all to remember we have power...turn it on!
Be blessed with a wonderful day.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Early Riser
I'm hoping this doesn't last, my getting up early that is. My first night back up at 3:15am, this morning, up at 4:30am. It is surprising how much you can get done when you get up early. It's only 7:35 and I've made a huge pot of turkey soup, cleaned the kitchen, organized the things I bought in South Africa, done two loads of laundry, folded one and cleaned out my purse and a cupboard. By 8:30 am my blog will be up, my work is done. It's good to be home but not liking the reality the scale continues to show. I'm down a pound but that was not what I was hoping for. I'm writing to let you know the water weight from my swelling legs has either disappeared to other regions of my body...or...and I don't like this much, I really did gain six pounds in Africa. Fried food is from the devil.
So once again I find myself needing to lose weight I already lost.
Todays Question: "Why do we call it losing weight but don't call it "relosing previously lost weight?"
Seriously, I'm tired of losing weight I've already lost once. Who am I trying to fool here, I've lost the same weight a hundred times. This is ridiculous, although at the time stuffing my face with fried foods was quite pleasant. And there is today's answer, indulgence is fun no matter how often it's done and losing the same weight over and over and over and over again...is not. So now what?
I think a perspective change is in order. I'm not really losing the same weight because my past pounds have been caused from other things. I have gained weight from Christmas baking, then I lost it. I have gained weight from that horrible candy, chips and chocolate holiday we call Halloween, I mean how do you not eat all that stuff while you wait for the kiddies. I have gained weight on a cruise ship, smorgasboards have contributed heavily to many gained and lost pounds. I have even managed to gain weight in between celebrations, just eating cause I'm bored I guess.
My trip to Africa revealed that it only took me four days to gain six pounds, I'm thinking it will take me two weeks to undo four days of fun. I'm reminded of a scripture; "No discipline seems pleasant at the time but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness for those who have been trained by it." (Hebrew 12:11) So now I'm being disciplined by a scale. I enjoyed my little feeding frenzy, I can't even pretend I didn't. I heard that voice in my head saying stop, I ignored it. I've been doing that for years quite successfully. Now I'm wishing I could blame water weight and a host of other pitiful excuses for this gain and I'm feeling a gentle but certain rod of correction across my larger frame. I'm not been pounded on the head with that rod, I feel like it would be just, but rather I'm understanding that when I receive gentle discipline I'm on the road to being trained. There is potential for me to learn from this mistake.
My lesson, listen to the gentle but firm voice of discipline that tells me that's enough. Listen when I know I'm repeating a pattern of self destruction that yields a result other than the one I want. I've chosen to lose this weight, no one forced me. God continues to prove that His discipline is not forced but given. He loves His children so much. I need to smarten up, use the brain I've been given and stop beleiving that food is my reward. God help me to listen to you when I know that I've heard you and make the choice to take action.
Help me to be a doer of the word and not a hearer only...even when the word is no.
Be blessed with a wonderful day.
So once again I find myself needing to lose weight I already lost.
Todays Question: "Why do we call it losing weight but don't call it "relosing previously lost weight?"
Seriously, I'm tired of losing weight I've already lost once. Who am I trying to fool here, I've lost the same weight a hundred times. This is ridiculous, although at the time stuffing my face with fried foods was quite pleasant. And there is today's answer, indulgence is fun no matter how often it's done and losing the same weight over and over and over and over again...is not. So now what?
I think a perspective change is in order. I'm not really losing the same weight because my past pounds have been caused from other things. I have gained weight from Christmas baking, then I lost it. I have gained weight from that horrible candy, chips and chocolate holiday we call Halloween, I mean how do you not eat all that stuff while you wait for the kiddies. I have gained weight on a cruise ship, smorgasboards have contributed heavily to many gained and lost pounds. I have even managed to gain weight in between celebrations, just eating cause I'm bored I guess.
My trip to Africa revealed that it only took me four days to gain six pounds, I'm thinking it will take me two weeks to undo four days of fun. I'm reminded of a scripture; "No discipline seems pleasant at the time but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness for those who have been trained by it." (Hebrew 12:11) So now I'm being disciplined by a scale. I enjoyed my little feeding frenzy, I can't even pretend I didn't. I heard that voice in my head saying stop, I ignored it. I've been doing that for years quite successfully. Now I'm wishing I could blame water weight and a host of other pitiful excuses for this gain and I'm feeling a gentle but certain rod of correction across my larger frame. I'm not been pounded on the head with that rod, I feel like it would be just, but rather I'm understanding that when I receive gentle discipline I'm on the road to being trained. There is potential for me to learn from this mistake.
My lesson, listen to the gentle but firm voice of discipline that tells me that's enough. Listen when I know I'm repeating a pattern of self destruction that yields a result other than the one I want. I've chosen to lose this weight, no one forced me. God continues to prove that His discipline is not forced but given. He loves His children so much. I need to smarten up, use the brain I've been given and stop beleiving that food is my reward. God help me to listen to you when I know that I've heard you and make the choice to take action.
Help me to be a doer of the word and not a hearer only...even when the word is no.
Be blessed with a wonderful day.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Saw it coming...didn't stop it.
Well I'm home. It feels wonderful and I'm so glad I went. All my fears were unwarranted, well most of them, thank God. I discovered something about Africa I hadn't expected too, they love to fry their food, yes that includes vegetables. Gaining weight did not surprise me, was hoping to loose but did not. I'm up six pounds but will likely see a drop by tomorrow since my ankles swelled to balloon size from the flights. I give new meaning to fluid retention.
Todays question: "What did I learn about myself in Africa?"
Of course that question is regarding my eating habits for the most part, what I learned as a person will take months to process. So, truth number one, I did wonderfully watching what I ate until the day after I finished the conference. I had no desire to overeat before. So from the time I left, which was Saturday, to the following Saturday which was the training seminar and the end of the conference...wonderful. From Sunday afternoon until this morning, the words that come to mind, "Feeding Frenzy." Oh dear!
Number two, I felt full for the first time since I started this blogging process on September 1/09. I mean overly full as in uncomfortable. It started right after church with a wonderfully fried smorgasboard. Fried potatoes...no not french fries but whole potatoes deep fried and then roasted, you know to make them healthier. Fried pumpkin, sprinkled with cinamon and sugar and probably butter...not sure, but so good. Fried fish, so fresh I was looking at the Indian Ocean it just came from out the window. Desserts, now those who know me are aware that I am "not" a dessert person, Africa has changed that status. I'm not a Canadian dessert person.
Number three I eat when I'm emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausted. Yep, that is what I do. I was missing my family, missing my friends, missing my country and seeing so many wonderful and difficult things at the same time. I poured out with God's wonderful help and then I put into my mouth, never asked God for help with that, my bad. Instead of asking God to fill me up after I poured out, I filled myself up with food.
I saw one beautiful work of God's creation after another, I saw Him move powerfully in the women we ministered too. I saw how remarkable His compassion is and how quick He is to respond to the cries of the poor. I saw a country so beautiful it cannot be described, I saw people so persevering it shames me to even think I understand suffering. I realized how truly blessed we Canadians are and I realized how truly blessed the South Africans are. What they have I long for, what we have they long for. That was our common ground, I needed to share in their suffering to appreciate what I have, they needed to see that they are not the only ones who have experienced pain. They also needed to see that God loves them and provides for them and sit down my friends...He uses people. We all need God and we all need to be God's hands and feet extended...in "any" Country. I loved the people of Jeffrey's Bay and I can honestly tell you they loved Tessa and I so wonderfully. Accepted us and blessed us beyond what we expected, they showed us how beautifully people respond to love.
God reminded me on this South African journey that He is the perfect picture of "unconditional" love. He loves us all the same. If I could truly grasp that I wouldn't reach for food when I feel empty. I wouldn't need to eat to feel full, I'd understand what Jesus meant when he said to his disciples in John 4:34, "My food is to do the will of Him who sent me and to accomplish His work."
Feeding the poor is our work, it is our responsibilty, those who have should give to those who have not. I needed to learn that God feeds us in ways that have nothing to do with the physical food but rather the spiritual food. Funny how I grabbed for fleshy food right after I'd poured out God's spiritual food to the truly hungry. Funny in that sad kinda way.
Please Lord help me to learn that eating will never satsify the hunger I have to be more like You or the desire I have to accomplish your will. You are "so" willing to fill me up if I would just ask.
Be blessed with a wonderfully "full" "filling" day. I missed you my friends.
Todays question: "What did I learn about myself in Africa?"
Of course that question is regarding my eating habits for the most part, what I learned as a person will take months to process. So, truth number one, I did wonderfully watching what I ate until the day after I finished the conference. I had no desire to overeat before. So from the time I left, which was Saturday, to the following Saturday which was the training seminar and the end of the conference...wonderful. From Sunday afternoon until this morning, the words that come to mind, "Feeding Frenzy." Oh dear!
Number two, I felt full for the first time since I started this blogging process on September 1/09. I mean overly full as in uncomfortable. It started right after church with a wonderfully fried smorgasboard. Fried potatoes...no not french fries but whole potatoes deep fried and then roasted, you know to make them healthier. Fried pumpkin, sprinkled with cinamon and sugar and probably butter...not sure, but so good. Fried fish, so fresh I was looking at the Indian Ocean it just came from out the window. Desserts, now those who know me are aware that I am "not" a dessert person, Africa has changed that status. I'm not a Canadian dessert person.
Number three I eat when I'm emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausted. Yep, that is what I do. I was missing my family, missing my friends, missing my country and seeing so many wonderful and difficult things at the same time. I poured out with God's wonderful help and then I put into my mouth, never asked God for help with that, my bad. Instead of asking God to fill me up after I poured out, I filled myself up with food.
I saw one beautiful work of God's creation after another, I saw Him move powerfully in the women we ministered too. I saw how remarkable His compassion is and how quick He is to respond to the cries of the poor. I saw a country so beautiful it cannot be described, I saw people so persevering it shames me to even think I understand suffering. I realized how truly blessed we Canadians are and I realized how truly blessed the South Africans are. What they have I long for, what we have they long for. That was our common ground, I needed to share in their suffering to appreciate what I have, they needed to see that they are not the only ones who have experienced pain. They also needed to see that God loves them and provides for them and sit down my friends...He uses people. We all need God and we all need to be God's hands and feet extended...in "any" Country. I loved the people of Jeffrey's Bay and I can honestly tell you they loved Tessa and I so wonderfully. Accepted us and blessed us beyond what we expected, they showed us how beautifully people respond to love.
God reminded me on this South African journey that He is the perfect picture of "unconditional" love. He loves us all the same. If I could truly grasp that I wouldn't reach for food when I feel empty. I wouldn't need to eat to feel full, I'd understand what Jesus meant when he said to his disciples in John 4:34, "My food is to do the will of Him who sent me and to accomplish His work."
Feeding the poor is our work, it is our responsibilty, those who have should give to those who have not. I needed to learn that God feeds us in ways that have nothing to do with the physical food but rather the spiritual food. Funny how I grabbed for fleshy food right after I'd poured out God's spiritual food to the truly hungry. Funny in that sad kinda way.
Please Lord help me to learn that eating will never satsify the hunger I have to be more like You or the desire I have to accomplish your will. You are "so" willing to fill me up if I would just ask.
Be blessed with a wonderfully "full" "filling" day. I missed you my friends.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Exhaustion
So I am proving my theory that being tired makes you eat more. So far I have had supper on the plane, then breakfast, got off the plane after no sleep, had breakfast because my stomach felt hollow and acidic. Sleep is very important and since I did not sleep for even a moment on that plane, food kept me walking. Good news though, didn't overeat or go after junk food, had a healthy vegetarion breakfast. Now, sit down my friends, I'm looking for coffee. Can't tell you if I'll like it once I taste it because I never have, but maybe it will wake me up. Tessa says it's better if we can stay awake, we did find a quiet place and a reclining chair to sleep a couple hours, so now coffee may be my only hope. How sad is that, not for you, but for me.
For those of you who are wondering why I'm writing, 9 hour layover in London. Time sure does not fly like the planes at the airport, especially when you are not late for a flight or looking forward to sleep on the next long plane ride. Oh well, I got to write.
I am going to stop eating now until the next flight and then I'm going on a Tessa induced fast to prevent jet lag, it's supposed to help if you don't eat for 16 hours. Please say nice things at my funeral if I perish while waiting for those 16 hours to pass.
I'm behaving and haven't fallen off the wagon, I'm working hard not to fall off the chair though. Way too tired.
Be blessed with a wonderful day.
Today's Question; 'Were we really meant to fly across the world.'
For those of you who are wondering why I'm writing, 9 hour layover in London. Time sure does not fly like the planes at the airport, especially when you are not late for a flight or looking forward to sleep on the next long plane ride. Oh well, I got to write.
I am going to stop eating now until the next flight and then I'm going on a Tessa induced fast to prevent jet lag, it's supposed to help if you don't eat for 16 hours. Please say nice things at my funeral if I perish while waiting for those 16 hours to pass.
I'm behaving and haven't fallen off the wagon, I'm working hard not to fall off the chair though. Way too tired.
Be blessed with a wonderful day.
Today's Question; 'Were we really meant to fly across the world.'
Saturday, October 3, 2009
No Excuses - I'll be Missing You.
Today is the day, my blogging freinds, I get on a plane with my beautiful daughter and we go to Africa. It is both an exciting day and a scarey day, my stomach is in knots and it is "not" because I ate too many twisted pretzels. Remarkably I didn't overeat as my nerves went from a gentle breeze to tornado winds, even more remarkable I plan on continuing this process no matter what country I'm in. In the past this trip would have provided me with more than enough excuses to convince myself, and you, that I couldn't hope to eat well, since I couldn't control what I'd be eating.
Today's Question: "Why do I convince myself that excuses are reasons when I know they are excuses?"
Can you count like I can on all fingers and toes how many times you've made an excuse. Honestly, I couldn't reach that number if I included all your fingers and toes. I have made so many excuses for not starting this process of weight loss sooner. It's almost Halloween, who could not eat all those treats? It's almost Christmas, it's way too hard not to overeat so I'll start after the New Year. Do I know that Christmas is one day? Was I aware that it's three holidays if I count Boxing Day and New Years, not the entire month of December and the first two days of the New Year. Do I know that a vacation does not have to mean I gain ten pounds. Which by the way is what I have lost to date. Am I aware that anytime I've put off changing my lifestyle for the better I'm punishing myself. Do I really need to start a new plan of action every Monday, I mean no wonder we hate Mondays, it's usually diet day. We seem to wake up from the feeding frenzy, that is the entire weekend, on Monday morning when our clothes are cutting off our circulation, starving and angry. What is wrong with this picture.
Speaking of pictures, do you want to know how many pictures I've cut up because I look fat. Hello porkchop, you are fat!!!! Isn't it funny how I expect a skinny picture when I have no evidence of skinny on my body, okay my ankles and wrists are quite slim, oh and my ears and eyes...thank you very much. Have you ever looked at the other people in the photograph and noticed that they are exactly the same size. Weird how the camera only makes me look fat. Still, I can convince myself that it's a bad picture, no way in h e double toothpicks it's me honey. If things don't look the way I think they should I destroy the evidence. Thank God for digital cameras, I can now edit myself, I'm saving so much money on film.
I am going to Africa. A place where people really know what it is to be hungry. Their bodies often give a false picture of what is really going on, they are starving and yet their tummys stick out. It's not fat. I'm fat and far from starving and I deceive myself into thinking that if I eat less I'll starve to death. I tell myself the pictures lie, I lie to myself. If I took the money that I've wasted on food I didn't need, and sent it to Africa I could feed an entire family of four, for their entire life. I'm not kidding. In reality I could do more.
I don't think it's a coincidence that I'm going to Africa now. I know that God has a plan and that He will do something remarkable in and I pray through both Tessa and I. We are going to be able to feed, thanks to so many amazing donars who I know God "will" bless richly for their giving, no less than one thousand two hundred people for one month. They have a need...I have a "greed". God help me.
I will truly miss writing and sharing this process with you over the next 12 days. You may not know this but your willingness to read this blog and encourage me with your comments is such a huge blessing to me. I have found strength I never knew I had and it's because of you. God has truly blessed me with the most amazing freinds. I will try to write from Africa at least once or twice, I can't promise but I will try. I love you all.
Be blessed with a wonderful day.
Today's Question: "Why do I convince myself that excuses are reasons when I know they are excuses?"
Can you count like I can on all fingers and toes how many times you've made an excuse. Honestly, I couldn't reach that number if I included all your fingers and toes. I have made so many excuses for not starting this process of weight loss sooner. It's almost Halloween, who could not eat all those treats? It's almost Christmas, it's way too hard not to overeat so I'll start after the New Year. Do I know that Christmas is one day? Was I aware that it's three holidays if I count Boxing Day and New Years, not the entire month of December and the first two days of the New Year. Do I know that a vacation does not have to mean I gain ten pounds. Which by the way is what I have lost to date. Am I aware that anytime I've put off changing my lifestyle for the better I'm punishing myself. Do I really need to start a new plan of action every Monday, I mean no wonder we hate Mondays, it's usually diet day. We seem to wake up from the feeding frenzy, that is the entire weekend, on Monday morning when our clothes are cutting off our circulation, starving and angry. What is wrong with this picture.
Speaking of pictures, do you want to know how many pictures I've cut up because I look fat. Hello porkchop, you are fat!!!! Isn't it funny how I expect a skinny picture when I have no evidence of skinny on my body, okay my ankles and wrists are quite slim, oh and my ears and eyes...thank you very much. Have you ever looked at the other people in the photograph and noticed that they are exactly the same size. Weird how the camera only makes me look fat. Still, I can convince myself that it's a bad picture, no way in h e double toothpicks it's me honey. If things don't look the way I think they should I destroy the evidence. Thank God for digital cameras, I can now edit myself, I'm saving so much money on film.
I am going to Africa. A place where people really know what it is to be hungry. Their bodies often give a false picture of what is really going on, they are starving and yet their tummys stick out. It's not fat. I'm fat and far from starving and I deceive myself into thinking that if I eat less I'll starve to death. I tell myself the pictures lie, I lie to myself. If I took the money that I've wasted on food I didn't need, and sent it to Africa I could feed an entire family of four, for their entire life. I'm not kidding. In reality I could do more.
I don't think it's a coincidence that I'm going to Africa now. I know that God has a plan and that He will do something remarkable in and I pray through both Tessa and I. We are going to be able to feed, thanks to so many amazing donars who I know God "will" bless richly for their giving, no less than one thousand two hundred people for one month. They have a need...I have a "greed". God help me.
I will truly miss writing and sharing this process with you over the next 12 days. You may not know this but your willingness to read this blog and encourage me with your comments is such a huge blessing to me. I have found strength I never knew I had and it's because of you. God has truly blessed me with the most amazing freinds. I will try to write from Africa at least once or twice, I can't promise but I will try. I love you all.
Be blessed with a wonderful day.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Spa Day
Don't hate me...rejoice for me, I'd do the same for you if you were having a spa day. I got a gift certificate from my husband for my birthday back in August and I've been saving it. I knew I was going to Africa and I'd need the hair, the toes, the face, the eyebrows and the massage, before I was the key note speaker. It does not matter what country you speak in, you should look good when you do it. I must represent our Country looking my best, not over done but done.
Today's Question: "What does that have to do with weight loss?"
Answer, lots. I'm so glad that I am ten pounds lighter (again), I'm so glad that when I want to be mad at myself for being so fat, as I look in those wonderful mirrors the hairdresser's have, I can know that I am honestly doing something about it. Usually I sit there disgusted saying I'm going to do something about it. Now I am, and that my freinds is liberating. I'm sure the massage table would thank me for being ten pounds lighter if it could talk. The lady holding up my leg while I have my pedicure will be grateful, she also won't need to use as much product for my facial, it's one of the first places I lose weight. And my favorite, I'm getting my hair cut, that should take a quarter of a pound off for tomorrows weigh in, as long as the color dosen't add weight I'm good. I love spa days.
I have to tell you that for the frist time in my life I actually beleive that I can be slimmer and happier about my weight. I'm truly rejoicing in where I am now, enjoing the moment as they say. Not pushing myself to be slimmer faster is so refreshing and pressureless. I no longer want to fill up to feel better, I simply want to do the work to feel better, physically, mentally and emotionally. Life is truly so much better when you quit "serving food", and make it serve your purposes. So much better.
What do you really want my freinds? I don't have the answer, I can tell you that for me, I really wanted to feel like my life was my own again. I didn't like spinning around out of control looking for food to fill me up when that was something only I could do. God has given us choice, I made some bad ones. God has allowed us to make our own way, I chose a path that neglected this wonderful gift I have...my body. What a treasure I now realize I have. Better late than never.
Have a wonderful and blessed day.
Today's Question: "What does that have to do with weight loss?"
Answer, lots. I'm so glad that I am ten pounds lighter (again), I'm so glad that when I want to be mad at myself for being so fat, as I look in those wonderful mirrors the hairdresser's have, I can know that I am honestly doing something about it. Usually I sit there disgusted saying I'm going to do something about it. Now I am, and that my freinds is liberating. I'm sure the massage table would thank me for being ten pounds lighter if it could talk. The lady holding up my leg while I have my pedicure will be grateful, she also won't need to use as much product for my facial, it's one of the first places I lose weight. And my favorite, I'm getting my hair cut, that should take a quarter of a pound off for tomorrows weigh in, as long as the color dosen't add weight I'm good. I love spa days.
I have to tell you that for the frist time in my life I actually beleive that I can be slimmer and happier about my weight. I'm truly rejoicing in where I am now, enjoing the moment as they say. Not pushing myself to be slimmer faster is so refreshing and pressureless. I no longer want to fill up to feel better, I simply want to do the work to feel better, physically, mentally and emotionally. Life is truly so much better when you quit "serving food", and make it serve your purposes. So much better.
What do you really want my freinds? I don't have the answer, I can tell you that for me, I really wanted to feel like my life was my own again. I didn't like spinning around out of control looking for food to fill me up when that was something only I could do. God has given us choice, I made some bad ones. God has allowed us to make our own way, I chose a path that neglected this wonderful gift I have...my body. What a treasure I now realize I have. Better late than never.
Have a wonderful and blessed day.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Oktoberfest
I have no great reason for today's title other than, it's October and I love that word. It just sounds so cool. No other month can compare or has the punch needed to spit out Oktoberfest. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that my husband's half German. Silly me.
Beleive it or not I have been blogging for one month today. Wow, these are the surprises in numerical order that I have experienced:
1. I didn't die of starvation.
2. I haven't felt uncomfortably full in a month. (Can I say again...didn't die, shocking.)
3. The scale, although still the enemy, has no control over how I'm eating. This is a big one for
me because I used to eat if I didn't see results. Okay, let's be honest, I ate when I did see results
...it was cause for celebration. If I weighed the same I ate same, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. :)
4. I am surprised by how much better my clothes feel and look.
5. I don't feel like I'm being deprived.
6. I'm losing weight eating what I really want. Turns out less is more.
7. I am paying attention to how I feel.
8. I'm not allowing myself to feed my emotions, I'm feeling them. Let me tell you, this can be painful.
9. I'm not jealous of what other people are eating because I'm having what I want...remember I ate
a banana split for supper once.
10. I feel like I have regained control over my life. I'm no longer a slave to food.
There are more, but remember, I'm learning not to over do things.
I feel better, still some aches and pains but no where near as many. I have more energy, okay not running any marathons, but can now breathe normally after climbing the stairs. I am loving the process. That is so surprising, I was so...
Today's Question: "What's the word that defines feelings you've never felt before?"
I don't know either, but I was so ________! Yep, that's how I felt. I made a choice, I made a commitment and I'm doing it. I love that I have no time limit. I can honestly tell you that I have had some sad thoughts about reaching my goal of fifty one pounds. I'm so enjoying this process that I really don't want it to end. I also commit to not self-sabotage so I can keep writing, maybe I'll just commit to lose that extra ten or twenty from never never land. As in I "never" think I could be that slim again.
I have found something I pray you all find in any area you wrestle with, HOPE!!! Yep, I didn't realize it but I'd stopped hoping I could get this weight off. I lacked the evidence and I didn't beleive in myself. I also didn't think this was an area where God would help me, I knew better but I kept drowning out His voice with potatoe chips. I'm listening now and He's still speaking words of love and affrimation. I'm so blessed and I pray you are all....
Blessed with a wonderful and hopeful day.
Beleive it or not I have been blogging for one month today. Wow, these are the surprises in numerical order that I have experienced:
1. I didn't die of starvation.
2. I haven't felt uncomfortably full in a month. (Can I say again...didn't die, shocking.)
3. The scale, although still the enemy, has no control over how I'm eating. This is a big one for
me because I used to eat if I didn't see results. Okay, let's be honest, I ate when I did see results
...it was cause for celebration. If I weighed the same I ate same, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. :)
4. I am surprised by how much better my clothes feel and look.
5. I don't feel like I'm being deprived.
6. I'm losing weight eating what I really want. Turns out less is more.
7. I am paying attention to how I feel.
8. I'm not allowing myself to feed my emotions, I'm feeling them. Let me tell you, this can be painful.
9. I'm not jealous of what other people are eating because I'm having what I want...remember I ate
a banana split for supper once.
10. I feel like I have regained control over my life. I'm no longer a slave to food.
There are more, but remember, I'm learning not to over do things.
I feel better, still some aches and pains but no where near as many. I have more energy, okay not running any marathons, but can now breathe normally after climbing the stairs. I am loving the process. That is so surprising, I was so...
Today's Question: "What's the word that defines feelings you've never felt before?"
I don't know either, but I was so ________! Yep, that's how I felt. I made a choice, I made a commitment and I'm doing it. I love that I have no time limit. I can honestly tell you that I have had some sad thoughts about reaching my goal of fifty one pounds. I'm so enjoying this process that I really don't want it to end. I also commit to not self-sabotage so I can keep writing, maybe I'll just commit to lose that extra ten or twenty from never never land. As in I "never" think I could be that slim again.
I have found something I pray you all find in any area you wrestle with, HOPE!!! Yep, I didn't realize it but I'd stopped hoping I could get this weight off. I lacked the evidence and I didn't beleive in myself. I also didn't think this was an area where God would help me, I knew better but I kept drowning out His voice with potatoe chips. I'm listening now and He's still speaking words of love and affrimation. I'm so blessed and I pray you are all....
Blessed with a wonderful and hopeful day.
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