Jenny on Jenny

I've made the decision that without aid...I'm not succeeding...so to Jenny Craig I go.  Appointment made 4pm today and I'll shall endeavour not to eat my way through this day.  I'm doubting myself already so look out Dairy Queen, I may need some ice milk to kick start me.  Ha.  :)

Todays Question:  "Will I recognize success in this area of my life when it comes?"

I don't know!  When I was a mere 130 pounds I still thought I had weight to lose.  I thought  I was fat at 150 and now I long to be that again.  In fact it's my goal weight.  And so I wonder, will you ever be happy with your body at the weight you obtain or will you always think you could be slimmer?  What a question.  Sad that in part I know the answer.

I told my huband that I never struggle with my value as a person, and I don't.  I do struggle with how my body feels, and how I look when I'm sitting...but only physically.  I like me, I see my beauty, although it took a long time...I see it now, better late than never, I really only don't like the excesses in my life and I really don't think I should.  Being overweight is hard on this wonderfully designed body and if I truly want a long and active life I best get it together.  So by whatever means, that is of course legal, moral and good for my body, I'll shall obtain this lofty goal. 

Once again I'm changing direction but change is good.  Obviously what I've been doing this past year and a half is not working, seems a no brainer to me that I need a fresh start.  So Jenny C and Jenny M are getting with the program and it's about time.

My Prayer:  "Help!"

Be Blessed with a Wonderful Day

Husbands :)

This morning I was wonderfully aroused by the sound of something that resembled a buzz saw at 5:45am, not as loud I'm sure, but in the quiet of our room it was all I needed to wake up my mind.  Once that starts the hope of sleep is nonexistent and so I quietly played on my iPhone, checking e-mail, facebook status updates and played too many games of bejewelled blitz.  I tried twice to go back to sleep, once around 6:30 and once again about 7:30, that same saw ensured that didn't happen. Funny how no sounds erupted from the sleeping machinery beside me until I tried to go back to sleep.

Today's Question:  "Why are women so careful not to wake a sleeping husband, even if he is NOT so inclined to reciprocate?"

The fact that my husband is busy making me a healthy breakfast may be keeping me from writing the rant I could go on about how irritating it is to wake up to snores.  I could expound on how many times I pick up clothes from around the house, or put away his many shoe/boot choices each day.   I might complain about the lights he leaves on letting me know each and every place he's been, inside and out.  I could say that I'm tired of ironing shirts, washing clothes, and picking up after the only child I have left at home...did I say child I meant person other than myself.  ;)

Let me change direction...I live with a man who never says a word about my weight, never insults me, (oops, unless it's by accident caused by something else husbands tend to do when they don't have shoes/boots on...foot in mouth) he works hard to provide in every way, I live with the handyman who can do almost anything I ask and if he can't he'll find someone who can.  I am adored and I can assure you that there are times when I'm NOT adorable.  I can be a total jerk and then tell him I'm sorry and he acts like it must have somehow been his fault.  He gives...yep...and then he gives some more.  Is he flawless...nope...but then the woman he loves isn't either, and the best part...he thinks I am.

And that is how I feel about husbands...well mine for sure.  I assure you that there are days when I could strangle the man and I'm seriously a nonviolent person.  But then I come home from spending way too much on my children or grandchildren and he acts like it's nothing.  I wake up grumpy, like this morning because I didn't get enough sleep...for obvious reasons...and then he makes me breakfast when I ask after I just barked at him for wanting me to buy smaller bags of coffee.  Ridiculous aren't I...but blessed beyond measure by the man God gave me to love and to be loved by.

Overall I give husbands a 10 out of 10.  For my single readers...don't rush it based on this post, it has taken 30 plus years and alot of work, on both our parts, to get here, however...the rewards are eventually endless.

My Prayer:  "Thank you Lord for husbands and their willingness to give to their families from the strength You give them, motivated I believe by the deep desire (most men have) to bless the people they love." 

Have a Wonderful and Blessed Day!!

One Week To Go

So it is exactly one week today until Lent is officially over.  I have mixed emotions, fear, joy, doubt, faith, panic, calm, etc.  I keep telling myself that if I can successfully control my eating for 40 days I should be able to continue when Lent is over.  Then my memory takes me on a journey back to the Sundays off, feast and famine are the two words that best describe those Sundays, I feasted only to find it a little harder to return to famine for the week. 

Today's Question:  "Why is it so easy to control yourself and why is it so hard to control yourself?"

I can't tell you how much I wish I had the answer to that question.  I know so many people who struggle with their weight.  Like myself, they are so good at controlling so many other aspects of their life.  They are self motivated to work, to keep their homes and families cared for, they can say no to overindulgence's and yes to the occasional indulgence, they control their spending, their tongue, etc., and then food enters the equation and out the window goes control.  I'm certainly not speaking for all my friends, some are excellent examples of balance in almost every way...seriously no one is perfect.  I trust in that fact to keep myself from banging my head against a wall. 

It seems impossible to keep myself aware of who I'm hurting when I lose control.  I like to forget that I'm hurting myself, I like to think that it will be in my lifetime that they will invent the miracle pill that takes off my excess weight with ease and gives me the joints of a 18 year old.  I've really been struggling with anger while observing this period of Lent, I said I would not post weight but I have gone to the scale and raged over the fact that I fluctuate between no pounds lost and two.  Wow...big hairy deal, what the heck, are you kidding, this is ridiculous, why me, what is my problem and wah...wah...wah, why does everyone else get such amazing results?!  I was reminded that I didn't do this to lose weight and frankly I wanted to scream when I heard those words.  I was like, "I know, but seriously, who doesn't lose weight when they give up meat, treats, processed foods, etc.  Mad...mad...mad. 

So perhaps what I needed to learn during this season of Lent is that we don't always see the evidence of the good choices, works, words, or whatever it is we give up for any number of reasons in this lifetime.  Maybe my anger is the problem, if I don't see the results I think I should get, I get mad.  I'm sure I'm not the only person in the world whose ever done something positive to see change and never saw it.  Feeling sorry for myself, although enjoyable at times, is non-productive, will accomplish no lasting change and perhaps this older body of mine is just tired of my yo-yo habits.  The more I live the more I realize, I will never be done learning, growing and changing.  Perhaps learning to chose what is right simply for the sake of doing what is right should be my goal.  Regardless of the visible rewards. 

My Prayer:  "Change us from the inside out Lord and help us all to chose wisely each day what and who we will serve."

Be Blessed with a Wonderful Day

Seriously!!!

Having 17 or so days left until Lent is over is both a relief and a fearful expectation of what will happen in my mind, and in my hand to mouth action, when it is over. 

Today's Question:  "Will I go crazy or will I continue?"

Knowing that I make that decision is freeing and binding at the same time.  I think I know that if I don't carry on I will return to my normal unpredictable eating habits.  I do realize it is my choice, I just like to pretend that somehow what happens between me and food is outside of my control.  I'd prefer to be an innocent victim...over the guilty glutton.

I was driving home from church on Sunday morning and I was telling my husband about how one of our friends starting eating less and lost five pounds in a matter of days.   For over 20 days I've been eating fruits, vegetables, rice and whole grains.  No sugar, no white flour, no dairy, no...no...no...no.  Yep, pretty rigid but not starving and not unhappy.  Just very, very disappointed by how my body, unlike so many others, seems to never let go of fat.  You would think the weight would come off when for six days a week I eat the exact way most serious dieters, who see results, do!  I wanted to be mad but I told my husband that if I allowed myself I'd just burst into tears at the thought of how hard it is for me to lose weight. 

You may be thinking I was just having a pity party, you'd be right...I was.  However, the truth is that since this major change in my eating habits, I'd be stretching to say that I've lost two pounds.  Yep, it's true.  And although I take Sunday's off, I can honestly tell you that I don't go nuts.  I'm not consuming enough food to bulk me up for the week ahead.  I'll admit to some bad moments, but since I"m not used to eating a ton of junk, I simply can't eat that much anymore.  A very positive plus to this process. 

I get frustrated, mad, want to quit, think I should just give in and see if I could become the world's fattest fifty two year old woman, I'm tempted to get liposuction and a breast reduction, a painful but guaranteed way to lose weight.  I want to scream, yell, swear and lose it, but what's the point?  I'd likely freak out and then overeat to calm myself down.  Oh this part of my life is frustrating!!!

My Prayer:  "Lord, help!  Help me and every other person who struggles with something, anything, that makes them feel helpless, hopeless and out of control, and unable to change.  I know that I can change, I'm sure they do to, I just need you to show me, us, how.  Thinking we know the answers Lord and knowing them are two different things, let the truths we need to learn help us to change and find freedom from whatever bind us."

Be Blessed with a Wonderful Day   :)

Spring is Helping

I have been in serious need of motivation lately, to write, to move, to clean, to cook, the list is endless.  I think the constant snow storms had blurred my vision and although I knew spring was coming I lacked the evidence needed to inspire.  And so....I sat, I did very little and I complained.

Todays Question:  "Do you ever forget, like I did, how truly blessed you are?"

Surprising as this may be for some, I'm not normally a complainer, I usually realize quite quickly what a great Country I live in, how fabulous my children and grandchildren are and how fortunate I am to have all my needs met.  However, that does not mean that the human factor that continues to inhibit my full devleopment, that's a nice way of defining my stupidity, hasn't kept me from remembering the aforementioned things.  Truly I am blessed.

The arrival of spring has been defeating the leftovers of winter and although we are still seeing some minus temperatures overnight, they are not able to prevent the awesome power of the sun from melting those huge piles of snow into wonderful puddles.  Puddles that remind me of my younger years and still compel me to step on them and free them from their icy hold.  So fun.  I love cleaning my mud and hay covered rubber boots in them after I feed the horses, I love the reflections of trees in the clear water puddles and I love how much clearer my mind is as I watch this glorious and long awaited transformation.  Oh spring I needed you.

Soon the buds on the trees will come, soon I will be seeing more than just a few spots of green grass, soon the tulips will show themselves and soon I'll be complaining about how hot it is.  Oh the pains of my humanity.  I'm so glad that our complaints have shifted from how cold it is to how quickly our cars get dirty with all the mush.  So happy to be buying extra washer fluid, so happy to be wearing a lighter jacket.  So glad I can take my grandkids outside without being worried a body part will freeze and so blessed to live in a Country with four seasons.  I truly love each and every season regardless of how long it takes them to come and the process reminds me of my need to change and God's patience and willingness to walk me through each season of my life. 

My Prayer:  "Lord help us to remember that each season is a reflection of our lives, some warm and sunny days to inspire, some dark and gloomy days for preperation, some rain for growth, and always the presence of your sun (son) to lead us through the darkness.  I'm so glad to know that the sun shines whether I see it or not.  Always so in awe of your creation for us, always inspired by your love.  Let us so quickly share as wonderfully and freely with others as you do with us."

Be Blessed with a Wonderful Day      :)