Sunday Rocks

I love Sundays!  I think that if I had to chose a favorite day of the week it would be Sunday.  I love it because it's the end of the week and that means the beginning of a new one is about to begin.  I am a big fan of new beginnings and ever since I found my way, through Jesus to a new life, I have been a huge fan of Sunday.  It's not just about church, it's more about the fact that God knew that we would need a day to rest, a day to do whatever we consider...rest.

Todays Question:  "How do you find your rest?"

I love to be with my kids on Sunday, it does not always work out but since they spent the first 20 plus Sundays of their lives at home with us going to church, lunch, golf, visiting, and doing pretty much whatever we felt like that was fun...oh I almost forgot napping...I love napping on Sunday, I still like being with them the most on Sunday.  It's a great day to think about what really matters, reflect on what the week past gave and to wonder about what the week ahead will bring.  Life is exciting...not always fun...but always a challenge.  I love learning and that is probably why I love life, it's all about what you learn. 

I heard a great message today, Pastor Bob is such a great preacher, reminded me today of how very much God loves me and wants a relationship with me.  I love that the creator of the universe wants me to know Him.  Since it's Sunday...I think I'll just spend some time getting to know Him better as I rest.

Be blessed with a Wonderful Sunday.

Huh!

It seems I don't think as clearly in the afternoon as I do in the morning.  I'm sitting in my comfy chair trying to come up with some inspiring words of wisdom and I can't even come up with a title.  Huh!  Seems to define how I'm feeling, it's better then arghh! 

I'm surprised and happy to report that even after going out for dinner and movie with Lucie and Henry last night...so fun...I didn't gain a pound.  I even had popcorn.  Shocked and amazed...but...happy!  I'm now back to where I was  before I took a vacation.  One day I'm going to go away and come back lighter.  I'm thinking I'll need to plan a mountain climb or a two week stent on a desserted island...oops I meant deserted.  ;) 

I have been way more active lately and I am finding that I have so much more energy.  Sometimes those people who say...are actually right.  So this time "they" knew what they were talking about.  I'm glad.  My plan is to keep moving by doing things that don't make me crazy bored...like treadmills and videos.  I need to make my exercise fit into my lifestyle and that is working best for me.  I park farther away and walk, I dance at random moments and I go work at the farmhouse when I need a harder workout.  Gord would tell you I need to do that more often.  Baby steps my dear...baby steps.

I can't say this is easy but I can say it's doable.  I'm not angry about making better choices anymore...I realize I made this chubby body and I'll have to change it.  I don't feel like I'm starving or going without...I'm allowing myself to have what I truly want...I"m still surprised by what I want when I take the time to think and sometimes, pray about it.  The hardest part about the whole process is allowing myself to change and not fear my own success.  The emotional side is truly my greatest struggle when it comes to food.  Everytime I get bothered or stressed I want to eat...I'm learning to ignore that voice...not perfect yet but learning. 

Todays Question:  "Have you let your emotions rule your diet?"

I have and I'm looking forward to the day when I can say I don't do that anymore.

Be blessed with a Wonderful Day.

Mrs. Grumpy Pants

I'm always surprised by the reasons I get grumpy and I shouldn't be since they happen a few times a year, Mother's Day, a few days before Christmas, a week or so before the 3rd of Febuary and a week or so before the 5th day of August.  All days that remind me that my Calvin is with Jesus and not with his mom.  Although that makes me very happy it can also make me very grumpy, not the with Jesus part but the part where I miss him the most on those days and think about him constantly before, during and after.  I think about him every single day and I always will, it's just that those days are significant markers for me.  Both Christmas and Mother's Day are family times for us and since Calvin isn't here...sad mommy.  His birthday is the 3rd of February and I would love to celebrate with him but I can't for now...sure glad I will have an eternity to make up for the ones I've missed.  And the 5th of August is the day he met Jesus and I watched him go.  He was very happy and as strange as it may seem, I was too.  He was very tired and destined for greater things.  God gave me three remarkable children, I'm hoping I get to be with Gordon and Tessa until Christ returns, Calvin will meet us in the air with Jesus.  That keeps this grumpy momma going.

Todays Question:  "What void do you try to fill with food?"

For me the answer is Calvin, I can assure you nothing has ever tasted sweet enough or satisfied me enough to accomplish that impossible task but for some weird reason I keep trying.  Pitiful isn't it?  Yesterday I was miserable, it took all I had just to be friendly and I decided that the cure to my problem was a maple pecan danish from Tim's and then a Big Mac from McDonalds for lunch, I had no fries people..I'm not a complete failure.  :)   I ate both trying to figure out why.  I finally figured it out on our way to dinner and to watch Erin do an amazing job singing.  I'm grumpy because the 3rd is coming, I'm eating to ease the pain and to find comfort once again.  I ordered nachos, the cheese would help, didn't.  I had a bowl of soup instead and gave away my nachos.  Better.  I knew what the problem was and overeating or eating something I didn't enjoy made no sense...even to me...who knew?  So now I know what my problem is I'm hoping I can stop myself.  I need to sit in my grief and deal with it. It's not going to stop coming until I'm in heaven with Jesus and Calvin.  Those are the facts.

I need to learn that I cannot subsitute feeling with eating.  I can't stuff my feelings down because they come up regardless of how much I try to eat to stuff them.  I'm not a turkey people...okay I act like one from time to time, but I am not one.

Life is hard and things happen that we all wish we could change.  Why do we think avoidance tactics like overeating, being miserable, rude, drinking, smoking, drugs...oh I could go on, will in any way shape or form change the hard things we humans often have to deal with.  I can feel sorry for myself, and sometimes I do, but at the end of my sniffling I remember how truly blessed I am.  I got seventeen years with one of three of the most remarkable people I know.  I will have an eternity to spend with all the people I love and miss and I know without a doubt that I'll understand everything then.  For now I walk in faith, I know that Jesus has my baby and He has me too.  He'll keep those who trust in Him safe and secure eternally.  I love that and I must remember how truly blessed I am.  Mrs. Grumpy Pants knows in the inner most parts of her heart that she has been remarkably gifted and unconditionally loved by a most Holy and Wonderful God.  It will be okay.

Be blessed with a Wonderful Day.

Revenge is Kinda Sweet

I always thought that if my husband ate better then I would too.  Wrong!  Turns out that when he has to lose weight, ten pounds for his upcoming surgery, I want to eat whatever I want.  I shouldn't be surprised by that but I am.  I think maybe I'm a little bit of revenge girl, I've been on way too many diets to count, fasted for both health and spiritual reasons and watched my husband scarf down whatever he wanted in front of me. 

Todays Question:  "Do you know how hard it is to be eating fruit and vegetables beside someone whose eating pie and icecream?"

I do.  Gord eats whatever he wants most of the time, his sandwiches make mine look like bread with lettuce, oh wait, that's what they are.  He eats a huge meal and then in an hour or two needs a bowl of cereal so he dosen't starve.  So maybe, just maybe I'm a little annoyed by that...or jealous.  He's only got ten pounds to lose, not fifty one.

I have been very fair never expecting him to eat like I chose too.  But you should see his face when I'm eating something he now can't have.  He looks at me like I'm Benedict Arnold or someone like him.  Turncoat, trader, bad wife and a host of other things I'm sure I read on his face.  I even told him the other day that I may have forty one pounds to lose but it can happen in my time, it's not Dr's orders.  So there!  I didn't say that part but he got the message.  :)

I should be feeling really bad that Gord has to lose ten pounds...I'm not.  Does that make me a horrible person?  Maybe, but after years of watching him eat while I'm always, "watching what I eat", I'm feeling a little justified, a little more understood.  It's good to know that others understand what you go through.  I'm helping him by cooking healthier meals and buying him good snacks, I'm not all bad.  I just hope he gains some understanding for my struggle with weight while he's losing those ten pounds.  A little compassion goes along way baby.

Be blessed with a Wonderful Day.

"The Only Thing that Counts..."

"...is faith expressing itself through love."  Galatians 5:6  I love that verse because it has helped me to better understand what my role is while I'm on this earth.  Love...and that is the only evidence my faith needs.  Isn't that amazing.  I put my faith in God's son and then I do my very best, with His help, to live like him.  I'm not perfect in my loving yet, some people really annoy me, most of them are in vehicles for some weird reason.  I'm sure I'd love them if I met them somewhere other than on the road.  :)

Todays Question:  "Do you overcomplicate the simple message of love that Jesus showed us?"

I do.  I hope that when you read the words I write on this journey to shed fifty one pounds, that you always feel encouraged and loved.  I do know how hard it is to make better choices, I've struggled with it for years.  I know that fat isn't the problem tissue is.  As in brain tissue my friends, the head is the problem.  Especially mine, either I'm thinking too much or not enough.  I have this switch in my head that I can mute when needed and turn on when I'm focused.  Remarkable how it goes off when I overeat and comes back on after I'm done.  Do you think I've really switched it off or just chosen to ignore it?  I agree with you since both answers are right.

I'm still down 9 pounds and it's not bothering me because I discovered the reason when I looked at my hands yesterday and saw how tight my rings were.  Turns out I'm retaining fluid and since I'm a women that will change soon...thank God.  I'm exercising like crazy right now as we are on a big push at the farmhouse to get ready for the kitchen installation on the 1st of February.  Yay!  I feel good about how I'm eating and I don't feel deprived in any way.  That little trip to Victoria reminded me that I can have whatever I want, it's weird I know but it's good for me to remember that.  Keeps from feeling too sorry for myself.  For those of you who attended the pity party the other day...sorry...it can happen to anyone.

I am walking this out, heading into new territory in so many ways and I'm so happy that the constant in my life is my faith.  I may wishy wash all over the place in other areas but I know that I know that God is good, I'm safe in Jesus and love is always going to reap a harvest of good things...no matter how I feel from day to day.  Gods love for me is constant.  Now if I could just master loving myself enough I'd be cured.

Be blessed with a Wonderful Day.

Possiblities

One of my favorite scriptures is, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."  And that means my possibilites are endless and when I run out of strength He is more than willing to equip me with more.   I need that strength on a very regular basis.

Todays Question:  "Do you feel as frustrated as I do by how long results can take?"

I know why things are moving slow regarding my weight loss and I still get frustrated.  As usual I'm the problem.  What is the deal?  I want results and my desire is genuine, being fifty one pounds lighter is something I'm really looking forward too, I'm even trying to imagine myself slimmer.  It's taking a great deal of immagination for me to do that since I haven't seen a slimmer me for twenty years. 

I've been thinking about inviting you all to my pity party, it's being held in my living room at this moment and I'm calling it, "I'm not eating like a piggy so why do I weigh as much as one ready for market."  Great title don't you think?  :)  I can't give you anything good to eat, like chocolate or cookies but I will share my fruit and vegetables with you.

On days like today I really need that strength from Jesus, I need to remember that I "can" do all things with His help, I don't have to quit because I'm tired of how long the journey is taking.  I know how truly blessed I am to be able to make choices about what not to eat, others in this world would love to have my "struggle."  Oh I'm a pitiful case, can you hear the violins in the background? Rest assured my friends, with God's help, I'll get to my goal and I will not quit...no matter how I feel.

Be blessed with a Wonderful Day.

Turns Out I Have Stomach Muscles

Who knew?  Not me that's for sure but this morning, after painting and cleaning for 4 hours yesterday, I'm painfully aware of those muscles.  I thought they left a long time ago when the mussy fat replaced them.  I'm often surprised by what's under the surface.

Todays Question:  "What is something good in your life that hasn't surfaced for a while?"

My answer is shocking, turns out I'm an excellent painter.  I've watched Gord do it for years and pointed out all the little flaws.  I'm such a great wife that way.  I did a bit of painting for a friend and it looked good, I just wasn't really paying attention.  Now that I have an empty room to transform I'm finding out that my attention to detail is a valuable assest.  When I make a blunder it has to be immediately fixed, I can't ignore it.  Remember I'm not patient.  So at fifty one I discover I'm a regular Michael Angelo.  You should see the ceiling in my dining room, no spots, no accidential brushes.

Maybe I'm embellishing a little but I am being sincere when I say something good has surfaced.  Couldn't have happened at a better time.  I've got the second coat to do today and then the living room and bedroom to finish.  Let's don't even talk about the three bedrooms and multiple closets upstairs.  Yikes.

So my stomach muscles are sore and that confirms, contrary to my belief, I am not a solid mass of fat as I supposed.  I have invested alot of years getting totally out of shape so I was pretty certain muscle pains were over for me.  Not so my friends, there is hope.  I'm surprised that muscle pain and arm aches make me feel stronger.  Weird hey. 

I hope whathever gift you have under the surface, or muscle for that matter, would be exercised and fanned into flame once again.  We all have so many different gifts, some are used on a regular basis and some come out as need arises.  I pray you be a wonderful blessing in whatever area God gifts you.

Be blessed with a Wonderful Day.

Motivation

Does the "mo" part of that word mean move...cause this morning I don't want to but I must. 

Todays Question:  "How does one motivate when desire is not present?"

My husband is the most self-motivated person I know, he works no less than eleven hour days most of the time, then goes to our farm house after work and does rennos.  This morning, and it's saturday, one of his two days to sleep in, he jumps out of bed excited to tile and install door frames.  What? Why? How?  I have to paint today and although I'm excited to see the walls done,  motivation to paint them is lacking.  What? Why? How?

What does he have in his brain that I don't?
Why does he just do the things he needs to do instead of putting them off like I do?
How come he seems happy about it?

Three questions I'd love the answers too but he's been baffling me for years.  He can make himself do it and I think it's because he loves his job and he loves to have a project, or twenty since we got the farmhouse.  He's either weird or something is seriously wrong with me.  I think I missed the motivation gene in the same way that Gord missed the cleaning gene. 

I've discovered that being motivated to do something and doing it are two different things.  I may not feel motivated but I will do it, once I fight with myself for a time.  Gords overdose of motivation springs him outta bed and he practically runs out the door, he'd have got up and left immediately if his motivation to drink coffee wasn't stronger.  I guess the answer is that I move faster toward the things I enjoy.  Maybe motivation is moving toward something at a breakneck speed for Gord and for me it's moving when I get around to it.  In the end it will get done. 

Reminds me of my weight loss journey, I'm doing it but it's slow, most days I'm not smiling about it but I make better choices anyway.  I still have that one pound to lose from my trip and then those other 42 from my lack of motivation.  I guess motivation is a good thing...I sure move fast when it's meal time.  God please help me to move a little faster and to be more motivated, and help actions to follow cause I don't think it's enough to just feel motivated.  :)

Be blessed with a Wonderful Day.

What A Woman Wants

I woke up thinking about that statement and movie title and instantly...

Today's Question:  "What does a woman want?"

Wouldn't you men like to know, okay I wanted to know too.  So I started thinkng about it based on the needs of the women in my life and my own...since I'm a woman.  ;)

S  -  Safe - all women want to feel safe in their relationships and in their day to day lives.

E  - Eternal, not just in knowing that we have an eternal promise to come but that our husbands, children, friends and family will love us forver.

C - Cuddled and cared for, not with any alterior motives, but maybe.

U - Unconditionally loved, not only from a wonderful God, but from all the people in our lives in spite of how we can sometimes act.

R - Respected, not only because we are multi-taskers with a capital "M" but because what we say and do is significant.

I  -  Indescribable, meaning we are unique and never the same, interesting and unique and we want people to know that.

T -  Trustworthy, because regardless of what you think at times our intentions are good even when we mess up, we usually always mean well and want everyone to know that...trust our heart is in the right place even when our actions run amuck.

Y  -  You, yes you, to know your value.  For our husbands, boyfriends, children, granchildren, friends and family to see and know that you are so valuable.  When we see you and you see us love is the reason we do what we do for you all.  You make us see our value.

All those things and so much more, I love that those things in my head spelled security. 

One more thing I add that is so important it deserves it's own spot on this blog page, so listen up my friends and show this to anyone you think may need a reminder...

         A woman wants to be ...... HEARD!  It may be the reason we hate three little words, blah, blah, blah so much.  Or nag, nag, nag, three others most women hate.  At the end of the day be it a friend, child, husband or stranger, we want to be heard because we speak from our hearts.  No matter how silly the ramblings of our hearts can be.  I write this blog because I want others to hear my struggle with weight and maybe, just maybe help them as I help myself.  It matters to women to be of value, to make a difference and to be a good example.  We are not perfect but we love in the very best way we know how.  We are willing to change, especially for the people we love and when we feel all of the above mentioned things...we have the desires of our hearts.  We have what a women wants.

Be blessed with a Wonderful Day.

Four Down One to Go

I'm down another pound today and so happy to report that I only have one pound to lose and the evidence from my Victoria trip is destroyed.  The evidence of my over-eating of course, not at all reflecting on the wonderful time I had there with Tessa and Chantel.  Yipee!!!! 

It's not fun losing the weight I've already shed...once again, but it's rewarding to know that when I mess up I can fix it.  I need to remember that and to take that with me when I reach my goal and stop blogging.  I've said it a hundred times over the years, I'll take the weight off now before it gets worse.  Let me assure that the evidence speaks louder than the words I spoke.  I let it get worse everytime and never deal with it when I should.  Five extra pounds becomes 10, then 20 and I'm convincing myself that it's only 20 pounds, I can drop that easily.  Liar, liar pants on fire, comes to mind.

Todays Question:  "Why does it take me so long to learn from my mistakes."

I wish I had the answer, I do however know what the problem is, or should I say who?  It's not polite to point...even at yourself.  I do the same thing in other areas of my life but because they are so much easier to clean up I put things off.  Like ironing for example, I hate ironing but I love the look of an ironed dress shirt on my handsome husband...so iron I must.  If I iron a few shirts a week, no backlog, I leave it until I have to iron twenty at a time, sometimes more.  Everytime I say I'm going to do it more often...not!  I wish that I could fix these years of lying to myself about how quickly I take off the extra weight, in the same few hours it takes me to catch up on the ironing.  Oh if wishes were smarties beggars would be all jacked up on sugar coated chocolate.

Enough wishful thinking and back to my reality...four pounds lighter since my return from Victoria and one to go.  I am happy that so far I'm doing what I said, dropping the weight I gained in the same amount of time it took to gain it.  My dad used to say, "Don't break your arm patting yourself on the back."  I won't Dad...but I am smiling because I have done what I said I would do and that makes me very happy.

Be blessed with a Wonderful Day.

Where Does it Go?

I'm another pound lighter today and it's good to see the scale making it's way back but I'm wondering where that weight goes.  I mean is it flushed out, so to speak, or does it slowly come out of my pores.  Maybe it gets sweated out when I paint for an hour.  Not 100% sure how that works but it is fascinating, since I know exactly where the weight comes from.  It's sure more fun putting those pounds on than it is taking them off. 

Todays Question:  "Why is it so much fun to sin?"

I wonder about that sometimes, if it wasn't easier to lie to someone than it was to tell them the truth would anyone be dishonest?  I mean who wants to hear the truth about their weight?  I know it that's for sure, just don't want to hear it.  We lie to spare someone's feelings and maybe a good dose of honesty is just what they need.  I said maybe!

I overeat and I know I'm being a glutton but that sin is just so darn satisfying.  I'm being honest right now.  I loved eating those yummy chicken wings, yam fries and cocunut shrimp.  I'd have ate more if Tessa or Chantel had said do it.  I'm such a easy mark that way.

If there were no consequences for my sin I'm afraid I'd just eat myself silly.  Lie my face off to avoid the truth and keep all my tax money to spend on my pleasure.  Can you tell it's tax time?  :)  I'm a hardened sinner my friends, it's sad I know but it's true. 

Good news, I have an amazing Saviour who sees my weakness, strengthens me and compels me with His love to press on, in spite of my desires to fall into sin.  I mean that George Clooney is one good looking man, fortunately my love for my husband and my desire to please God keep me faithful.  Okay maybe George wouldn't be interested....I said maybe.  ;) 

I'm so grateful this morning that God reminds me truth is the ticket to my freedom, truth in the innermost parts.

Be blessed with a Wonderful Day.

Thank God!

Seriously!  I'm so grateful that this morning I am two pounds lighter, it feels so much better than five pounds heavier.  I made better choices, ate less and exercised for two and half hours.  Sounds impressvie doesn't it.  I was painting at the farm house, but let the record show that I sweated cause it's hard work packing this chubby body up and down the step stool.  Yikes!

Todays Question:  "Will it take me the same amount of days to take off those extra pounds as it did to gain them?"

Time will tell.  From the Thursday morning when we arrived in Victoria till the Monday morning when I stepped on the scale back in Beaumont totalled 4 full days, so I have three days to lose three pounds.  If I paint everyday it could happen.  Okay I may have to eat less as well.

I'm not as angry with myself as I probably should be so I'm going to have to watch that.  I have this I'm on vacation mentality that could be dangerous.  Either I have to keep my vacations to four days max or I have to get a grip on this now.  Can you imagine how much heavier I would be if Gord and I took a month long vacation.  I'd have to change the name of my blog to ninety one pounds, I have to stop...I can't handle the truth.

I need to continue to force myself to exercise, force is the right word.  I need to eat less, stay away from the chocolate stores, remember how much better I feel with less weight to pack around, and last but not least, how much more I like shopping for clothes.  It feels so good to not be so squished into my jeans.  Do you think a person could die from tight jeans?  My mom always got mad at us if we put an elastic band around our wrist.  She said it would cut off our circulation.  I imagined my wrist would just fall off one day when I least expected it.  No chance I could pinpoint rolls around the waist and have them fall off....is there?  Wishful thinking I know.

I'm happy to be on a downward spirial, I'll work hard to make sure it continues.  I don't mind if you pray for me, I have to watch that "comfortable" monster that tries to keep me where I am.

Be blessed with a Wonderful Day.

This Is What I did.

I'm home and I'm happy, I've weighed and I'm not so happy.  So.  Let's concentrate on what's lovely this morning shall we.  I exercised every single day while I was on my  three and a half day vacation.  I have not walked that much since I went to Europe three years ago.  For those of you who think that you can walk away a massive amount of food consumed daily, I'm here to tell you that is not true.  However, I cannot imagine how much heavier I'd be if I hadn't walk.  Hello!

Today's Question:  "How much weight can you gain in four full days?"

In my case.  Five pounds.  This is the part where I would like to swear, yell stomp and have a hissy fit, but, it's not like someone forced me to eat.  Although I'm holding Chantel and Tessa slightly responsible for the one supper that was purchased at the chocolate store, and the one lunch at the chocolate and icecream store.  A brownie for supper and a banana spilt for lunch.  Honestly I'd have rather ate a loaf of bread, but it was fun doing something that was outside the normal.  And that is a perfect description of how I ate this weekend...outside of what is normal.  The price has been paid, it's a new day, the holiday is over and boy was it fun.

So now what?  I begin again.  I'm not a big fan of having to lose those five pounds previously lost, but I was sure a fan of those honey garlic wings, yam fries and cocunut shrimp we had for supper twice because they were so amazing.  Did I mention we had a huge breakfast every morning and that we never missed a single meal, or snack for that matter.  Victoria is full of amazing restaurants and chocolate shops.  Oh and something, maybe the ocean air, turned me into a carnavour again.  I usually am a lacto ovo fish eating vegetarian.  It seems I went away for a few days and left everything at home.  Now I've come home with the evidence.  Oh dear!

Five pounds included I had a wonderful time and it is now time for me to get back to reality.  I really wanted to beleive that I was European for those few days, dipping those yam fries in mayo sauce and eating whatever I wanted cause I would walk it off.  Turns out I'm a Canadian to the core. I'm thinking a three day fast would be a good idea but I'm way too hungry for that.  Maybe a day or two of moderate eating will help.

Be blessed with a wonderful day.    

Gone Again

I'm off for a few days to Victoria with my girls.  So looking forward to time away with them but I'm not sure if I'll be able to write and I'm certain I won't be able to weigh.  Someone remind me that I should be sad about that weighing part okay.  I'm hoping to maintain my weight, don't think it's realistic to think I could be lighter upon return...but I can dream.

I will be back on Sunday and hoping after a nice refreshing weekend away that I will refocus and get exercising.  I'm happy to report I seem to at least be getting into a routine of morning strethces. 

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.  I'm on vacation as of now.

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

Clean Underwear!

Yesterday I went to Calgary with my husband and like I do every morning, after the bath, I got dressed.  Yep I'm going there...I did something different.  It is not the first time I've ever done it but it certainly does not happen often.  I put my underwear on inside out.  I stood for a second thinking who is going to see it.  Who cares was my initial reaction and I almost made it for like two minutes before I fixed the problem.   This seemingly unimportant detail caused me to think about appearances.  And good mothers of course, like myself, made sure the children had clean and hole free undies.  Just in case. 

Todays Question:  "Just in case what?" 

Would our mothers really have been more concerned about how perfect the underwear looked or how we were if we had been in a car crash.  Are we really to beleive that a mom standing over a injured child would check the underwear first.  I hope not.  But then I wouldn't leave the house with backward undies so who am I to say.

All of those silly thoughts got me thinking about how much outward appearances affect our lives.  Tessa my most beautiful daughter has given up wearing make-up for 40 days.  One of her University classes required her to make a choice to give up something she was addicted too.  I'm so grateful that her addiction is make-up and not something worse.  I'm not sure I could do that so I'm most impressed, not only with her decision not to chose something easy but with her committment to stick to it.  I need to learn from my daughter...once again.  Remember my freinds children are our greatest teachers, no matter their age. 

I preach loving the inside but I adjust the outside.  I preach giving up the things that bind us, I keep going back to old habits.  I came very close this morning to changing my blog from a weight loss journal to a spiritual journey.  It is in fact both, but I wanted to skip the weight loss part because I gained a pound.  Four hours in the car and a visit with my mom and dad...too much sitting and not too much food, but too much of the foods I don't normally eat, like pork chops.  If I'd have just thought about the name of that meat for a moment I wouldn't have eaten it. 

I'm sad to report that I am still too focused on the outward appearances and not adjusting my lense to look inside.  I knew when I was eating french fries for lunch that was not the best choice, but I was with my mom and dad and so I went back to being a child in a restaurant with my parents, having what I wanted but maybe not what I needed.  Why do I have to keep learning the same lessons over and over again?  I know the answer...I love the outward appearance of french fries and pork chops.  Kidding.  I make the wrong choices and put my commitments aside.  I need to stop that.

I'm stating the obvious here...I made it back from Calgary safe and sound, praise God, and no one would have know if my underwear was inside out or not.  No one but me that is.  So if I'm so concerned about the hidden outward things, shouldn't I be equally concerned about the inward parts of my body that are not given such attention.  Like my heart while I'm porking down on pork chops.  God help me to be inwardly focused. 

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

Concentrate On What Is Lovely

I can't tell you how many times I've had to remind myself that God instructs all of us to concentrate on that which is true, honest, just and lovely.  Phillipians 4:8 reminds us that when we focus in on these things we will be much better off.  Isn't too difficult to figure out why so I won't explain.

Todays Questions:  "Do you think that concentrating on those things means pretending all is well?"

I hope not.  I can see what is true, lovely, honest and just, even when I observe things that are not so lovely.  A desire for the truth inspires me to search out what is good about it, to look harder, or at least it should.  I know my flaws and I'm sure you do to, but do you realize that even a flawed diamond is beautiful.  When I got my 25th Anniversary bling I thought it was perfect.  I picked it out so it should have been, I'm color blind and can usually see the flaws in diamonds that people who are not color blind can't see.  I proudly displayed my bling for all the world to see.  I mean I earned that rock after 25 years of marriage, in hind sight I should have bought Gord some bling, his would be a two carat, he's way nicer than I am.  During a visit to Didsbury my niece Amy was checking out my bling, she said, "Auntie Jen what are those little black dots."  I assured her my ring was flawless and she seemed happy with that.  Or did I?  On the way back home I took off my glasses and to my surprise, there were a couple tiny little black dots.  Why the heck didn't I see those when I was scoping out that diamond? 

Let's go back to the scripture I quoted.  "...whatsoever things are lovely."  Yep, I was stuck in lovely land and I missed what was true.  You see all four points work together.  Something can be lovely with flaws.  My 25th Wedding Anniversary diamond has flaws.  Guess what?  So do I, oops so do we.  So we are the perfect match.  I get so many compliments on my ring and no matter how often people say it's beautiful I think about those little flaws.  Funny how that relates to how I see myself and maybe how you see yourself.  Someone tells you how pretty your eyes are and you say, "You are far enough away not to see how many wrinkles I have.  You look like you've lost weight, you answer; "Are you kidding, I've gained."  Oh I love your hair it's so thick and beautiful, your response; "It's the only thing good about me."  I love this one because it's the best compliment I ever received.  "You are the prettiest mom I've ever met."  I said thank you, but in my head I'm thinking.  "This girl hasn't met very many mothers."  And thanks for that compliment Niki it really did make my day.  :)

So here's my point, and what I pray you receive from this blog, you are lovely and that is true, you can be honest with yourself about the outward appearances and still be lovely.  You can tell the truth about your struggles with weight or whatever your issue is and still be lovely.  You can honestly accept who you are now and decide if you want to stay that way.  You see my friends God is very honest, very lovely and His word is the absolute truth, He is just.  And when He sees you...well...He just smiles.  No matter how much you struggle you are so lovely and so precious in His sight.  I have to focus on that because it is true.  God loves me and if the creator off all things loves me why shouldn't I.

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

Inward Beauty

Yesterday I got a sad reply to something that I posted a while back.  I've actually gotten a few responses since I started being open about my struggle to lose weight that reflect clearly how we ladies see ourselves.  This body image thing has gotten way out of hand and although I can see the benefits of being healthier and more active, I don't understand why we think we all need to look the same.  It took me a very long time to be comfortable in my own skin.  I spent way too many years wishing I could be as slim as this person or as pretty as that one.  I had no clue that people actually thought I was pretty, no idea that people wished they had my legs or my skin.  Would have been nice to have learned that a little earlier but maybe God knew better than I did what I needed to hear and when I was ready to hear it.  Did I say "maybe" God knew...lets go with...He knew.

At fifty I started to see my own beauty, inward and outward and I can honestly tell you that I am so much more impressed with what I look like on the inside.  It's not about  being perfect, I'm very far from that and please remember that wasn't a question so no comments.  It's about being happy with how you act and the reflection you cast.  Some of the most outwardly beautiful people lose their appeal once they open their mouths, the reverse is also true, some of the most unusual looking people just get more and more beautiful as they speak.  I didn't get a lot of compliments growing up but one thing I did notice throughout my life, at varying points, was that some people, including my husband, looked at the outside and liked what they saw but were more enamoured with who I was as they got to know me.  I remember Gord saying to me over and over again, "You are so nice."  I'm not kidding on our first date he said it like 20 times.  I would love to tell you I have the husband who always compliments me.  I don't.  I do have one who always respects and loves me...much better. 

When I look back over the things that friends, family and even strangers have said to me it's the comments about my character that have stayed with me.  I want people to look at me and feel comfortable, encouraged, safe and like I genuinely care about who they are and how they.  I don't want people to look at me and feel threatened or insecure and I certainly don't want people to compare themselves to me in any way.  God made us unique ladies and He knew what he was doing.  Make a list in your head, who are the most beautiful people you know...not who are the prettiest.  You'll find the list is different.

Today Question:  "Do you get that you are beautiful...period?"

If you are not I assure you it has nothing to do with your looks and everything to do with how you act.  The good news is we can change.  I really don't want you to take fifty years to figure out how beautiful you are or can be.  Look at yourself and don't use a mirror.  Take a good long inward look and what reflects your true beauty focus in on it.  Then when your mind is full of the truth about who you are go ahead and look and maybe for the first time, you'll see the real you.

God looks at the heart and instructs us to be inwardly beautiful...only that can cast a truly outwardly beautiful reflection.  Endeavour to beautifully adorned from the inside out...it's within your grasp.

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

Gratitude The Best Attitude

This morning I weigh the same...eleven pounds down.  Remeber when I sat at 10 pounds lighter for what seemed like ever?  I do, it seems history does repeat itself.  I am working on being a more grateful person so I rejoice this beautiful Sunday morning that I have been maintaining those eleven pounds.

Todays Questions:  "Do you ever forget how blessed you are to live in such an amazing country?"

I love Canada, I've been to many other countries and I have to say I like mine the best.  I find something to like about every place I've been priviledged to go to, this world is full of beautiful places.  I expect all my international readers love their countries as much as I do.  I just wanted to express my gratitude this morning loudly and clearly...I LOVE MY COUNTRY.  I love the snow, the rain, the wind, the sunshine and the wide open spaces.  Everywhere I look I am reminded of how truly great a designer God is.  We have everything in Canada, our moutains are spectacular, our oceans are beautiful, resources abound and I really feel like we live in a land that has been blessed. Did I mention I love how clean Canada is?  I do and it is. 

Whenever I'm on a plane returning from a foreign country my favorite part about the entire flight is when the pilot tells us that we are in Canada.  My heart smiles...it's a remarkable feeling.  I hope that today you ponder, even just for a moment, how truly blessed you are to live in this beautiful place.  I have been to countries where they would love to have an overeating problem.  They struggle to find food to eat period.  Canada feeds it's poor, provides for those who can't work, and sadly those who could but won't.  (I am happy the children are fed when the parents won't work.)  I am also very happy single parents are helped, what a blessing that is.  I remember living in the States for a time while Gord was working, I met so many beautiful people.  I was shocked to find out that having a baby cost thousands of dollars.  I had three baby, two were c-sections and it didn't cost me a penny.  I met a women whose dad died of a heart attack, stopped in at the hospital and got some pills and an examination only to die shortly after...the bill...$25,000 US dollars.  Yikes.

So today I'm remembering how very grateful I am that I was born in Canada. 

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

Hubba Bubba

I love that bubble gum...so good.  Plus one piece is 25 calories and no fat.  So I think I've found a new treat.  I can get a little sugar fix and blow bubbles at the same time.  My life is full.

I didn't weigh this morning because I got up to write and then my husband called me and I forgot to weigh.  I do not weigh in after I eat, I weigh first thing in the morning before breakfast.  No way am I changing that so we will have to see how I'm doing tomorrow morning.  Sorry about that.  You can blame Gord...I do. ;)

Todays Question:  "Does that sound like an excuse not to weigh in?"

It really isn't...I  just have to consistent.  On another more important note...exercise.  I can't report that I've jumped on the exercise train but I can tell you that yesterday afternoon and this morning I danced.  I do love to dance so I'm thinking that if I find ways to incorporate that into my day on a regular basis, I'll get a work out and enjoy it at the same time.  It's about all I can come up with at this point and it is exercise.  Maybe if I do it two dances at a time I'll be able to make up a half hour the hard way.  I told you I hated exercise...I wasn't kidding.

Two words have been on my mind for the last day or two, one is discipline and the other is decisive.  I've been trying to figure out how to be disciplined enough to exercise.  That caused me to think of my son-in-law Dave.  I'd mentioned before that he's lost fourty pounds over the last year...no he did not exercise.  He did however say no, on a very regular basis.  Was it discipline or was he decisive?  I decided that in Dave's case he is decisive.  He made a decision to eat less and lose fourty pounds and one year later he succeeded.  What's the difference?  That's what I'm trying to figure out.  I think that discipline is hard and decisions are made as you go...not easy but maybe easier.  Dave still ate treats, just not so many, I saw him eat one cookie or take a few bites of dessert, I didn't know that was possible.  That was a shock to my system to say the least.  I think that discipline is why I've failed for so many years at dieting.  I'd force my self to rigidly follow the rules, that defines discipline for me and I have to say I hate it.  That would last a few days, maybe a week and then off the rails I went.  I didn't just glide off I jumped off.  Making a decision to eat better, or less, is easier to live with.  I feel like I have a choice and that works for the bratty child in me.  You know the one who hates discipline. 

I love Gods discipline because it has purpose, I don't like man made rules.  So it would appear that I will contine to make the decisions about how I will get this fifty one pounds off.  One day at a time, one decision at a time. 

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

Exercise...Why?

I'm not a fan of those morning when I wake up after three or four hours of sleep feeling like it's time to get up.  I don't mind being wide awake and I do find I get lots done when I get up so early, I just don't like how I feel after and the pull of my bed on my body at about 6am gets a little intense. 

Todays Question:  "Why can't my desire to exercise be so intense?"

It has been so much easier for me to adjust how I eat than it has been to incorporate exercise into this lifestyle change I decided to make.  What was I thinking?  It seems I want to enjoy every single thing about this process and since I don't enjoy exercise that part is not going so well.  I confess to you now that when I post walking under my exercise section I include to the fridge, to the kitchen, from the house to the garage.   When I say I stretched I mean I laid in my bed and did some stretches, once I stood up and touched my toes, yes I have always been able to do that with straight legs and unbent knees.  Remarkable I know!  I'm so desperate to post I exercised that I include housework, chasing Zayin, he's walking and sadly so is Grandma.  Why are we so excited when they start to walk?  Could someone explain that.  I've been know to write that I did rennovations, I meant if sweeping up the mess after them counts.  I think I actually went on one of our many pieces of exercise equipment once since I started this blog.  I have taken a couple walks but maybe that's not noteworthy since I've been blogging for four months. 

Have you ever heard anything so pitiful.  I hope so because if you haven't I'm a lost cause.  I can't tell you how many times I lay in bed at the end of the day thinking; tomorrow morning I'm going to exercise.  My mind wanders and I actually beleive that I'll do one of many fabulous things to get in shape.  By the time I've have a good nights sleep reason has returned and I'm so over that. 

I thought about hiring a trainer but that's way too personal for me.  No one needs to see what happens to my body parts on the eliptical trainer.  We won't even talk about what I look like doing Yoga...poor Chantel has worked out with me.  She's a saint. 

I have got to find a way to work out that won't feel like exercise.  I'm looking for suggestion and yes, I am painful aware of how pitiful I am when it comes to exercising.  Please note I have more equipment and videos than I can obviously use.  :)

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

Two Days Worth

What I wrote yesterday and didn't finish;
I didn't feel to write this morning but now that the day is almost over I'm ready.  My thoughts remind me of a bingo game, moving from under the B to under the O's at a rapid rate, don't forget the changing numbers.  I'd say that reminds me of the scale but this morning it was sitting at the same 11 pounds lighter.  Good news but I was hoping I'd get rid of those two leftover pounds from Christmas faster.  I'm really not a big fan of leftovers.  Unless they are edible of course.

I find myself looking forward to the changes I know this year will bring, new house, new baby coming from Chantel and Gordon, grandchild number six, new clients to see and new trips to take.  So many good things ahead and those unknown, well I pray they would be excellent teachers whether the lessons are hard or easy.

What I wrote today;

I killed the battery on my electric car tying to finish this blog yesterday while my grandson Zayin slept in the car.  I didn't want to wake him or leave him alone so I sat and wrote with the car running and the garage door open.

Yesterday and Todays Question:  "How did I kill the battery if the car was running?"

Good question.  I shut it off from time to time to ensure that we didn't die from carbon minoxide inhalation....yes the door to the garage was open.  Call me a little paranoid and I won't argue.  One more question, what happens when a hybrid car battery dies?  No clue whatsoever. 

So this blog is a blend of two days and isn't it remarkable how my last point written yesterday was about the unknowns teaching me something.  I didn't even plan that, let's be honest here I didn't even think of it until this morning, little slow to learn I'd say but at least I got it eventually.

So the unknown did teach me something, do not leave the stereo, heater, lights etc., on in your hybrid car while your grandchild is sleeping.  Do not be paranoid and if you are then at least completely shut the car off, that way your battery won't die.  My reasons were good, didn't want to wake, kill or freeze the sleeping baby.   Now I'm praying for a miracle, please God let my car just start this morning cause I forgot to tell Gord what I did yesterday.  I'm looking for the battery that recharges itself.  I'll let you know how that goes.  ;)

And speaking of recharging things...I'm still sitting at eleven pounds lighter but after Tessa's amazing cannelloni last night I'm so happy I'm not reporting a gain.  She must have some Italian in her, lucky for us. 

I truly am learning from the unknowns and I really am looking forward to what is ahead, I pray you are too. 

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

Spending It On My Pleasures - Part Two

I told you yesterdays blog was a two parter and now for the worst part.  James 4:3  "When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures."  Oh I tell you part one was way easier to handle than part two.  I love that I have not because I ask not, it's so great to quote that scripture when I want something.  I just ask and ask.  I never stop to consider that when I don't get what I want it's because I have wrong motives and I'm looking to spend what I get on my pleasures.  The word selfish comes to mind.

Todays Question:  "Does anyone know why?"

I do.  It's because I am selfish.  This is getting ugly.  So now what?  I need to weigh something other than my body once a day...my heart and my motives.  At this point I think they are heavier than my body and I assure you I'm no light weight.  I am asking God to make me skinny, asking him to help me make better choices while I eat those extra treats.  If He gave me what I truly wanted what would it be?  Answer, it would be a skinny body in spite of what I feed it.  A healthy body regardless of how I abuse it and a beautifully firm and toned body without the exercise.  Oh I'm asking you God please give me that. 

I hear His answer.  "You ask and you do not receive my child because you ask with wrong motives so that you may spend it on your pleasure."  (My version.) 

My point, God does not bless bad behaviour, never has.  God lets me decide what my body will look like and feel like based on what I do or don't do to it.  I have no one to blame but myself and yes I could find thousands of people who eat way more than I do and are skinny, but they are not me.  I can grumble and complain because I don't have Joe Blows metabolism, I can whine about my lack of energy, that's why I don't exercise.  Did someone say exercise gives you energy?  If so, be quiet, I wasn't really asking.  ;) 

I want the pleasure of being fit without the work.  I need the results without the effort Lord, I want beauty that is outward, couldn't my insides just be ugly.  I'm happy to be fat on the inside if I look slim on the outside.  I'm asking...I'm asking and my motives are wrong...I want pleasure.  Pure and simple pleasure.

I'm truly happy that God is interested in my entire being, truly happy that He won't answer my foolish prayers.  I'm rejoicing that He knows the motives of my heart and tells me flat out, you don't receive because your motives are wrong.  Yikes!  He's right...no surprise...I'm wrong.  I'm all about pleasure and that is something that should come after the work is done.  So my friends to work I go asking God to help me not to be selfish and not to seek results without effort....I shall truly reap what I sow.

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

Wrong Motives

This will be a two part post because the subject matter is huge for me, yes, I often have wrong motives.  Especially when it comes to making wise choices regarding my health. 

Todays Question:  "How do I change?"

That is a hard question to answer and life so far has taught me that it is an even harder thing for most people to do.  At least I'm not alone. 

This morning I was pondering some of the things I struggle with and some of the things the people I care about struggle with.  This scripture came to mind, Jame 4:2 "You do not have because you do not ask God."  Simple isn't it?  Not!  Oh it seems simple but it isn't, let me explain.

Yesterday I went to Starbucks with Tessa, Zayin and Christan, three people who mean a great deal to me.  Tessa had gone to change Zayin and Christan and I were talking.  The subject of weight came up, surprising isn't it?  Christan said very honestly that she didn't think she was ready to deal with making better choices because she couldn't control that.  Bam!  Those words penetrated me and I instantly knew the answer.  "You are in control of your choices."  She smiled that pretty smile of hers and I added; "It's the only thing we truly can control."  Yep we both heard truth.  It may have come from my mouth but rest assured people those words were not mine.  They penetrated me and I was more aware of my past errors and wrong motives at that moment than I have been for a while.  God used Christan to wake me up.  All this time I've been acting like a victum when in fact I'm the victumizer.  Oh dear.

I want to beleive that there is some evil force controlling my weight, my eating habits, my metabolism.  I want bad genes to be the reason my jeans get tight.  I ask God for help forgetting that He has given us all the gift of choice.  He's willing to help but I'm only looking for the instant answer.  Dear Lord please make me skinny in spite of all the food I'm stuffing in my face.  I heard a girl on that Biggest Loser show asking God why he chose her to be fat.  Hello!  Did she really say that, I only ask because it's sounds like something stupid I would say.  I'm a blamer I'm sad to report, an out of control blaming everything but myself...blamer.  

So not what?  I'm going to ask God for the strength I need to change my wrong motives into good actions.  To be continued...

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

One Day at A Time

This is the time of year when I spend a great deal of time wondering what the year ahead will bring.  This morning I was reminded to take one day at a time, trying to see beyond is futile and if I knew what was ahead I may run, either to whatever I saw or from it.  I'm glad there are no crystal balls, glad I have to trust God with each day and glad He is always going ahead of me. 

I am happy to report that I am down a pound, what a difference moderate eating makes.  Go figure.  I'm struggling with motivation these days, may be the cold I have, may be the things I need to get done and keep putting off.  It could also be the upcoming move, not sure of the day, not sure when all the rennos will be done.  I'm learning that I'm not so good at not knowing.  I seem to need a plan, a date, a schedule and since I'm not going to get one I feel like I've landed in limbo land.  You know that place called wait and see, not such a good place to dwell if you "may" be a bit of a control freak. 

Today Questions:  "Did I really just write "may" be a control freak?"

Who am I trying to fool?  Must be myself because I'm pretty sure every one else who knows me is aware of my control issues.  I was reminded of those issues while I was getting a wonderful massage in Radium at the Hot Springs Spa.  The therapist was talking about how he loved to climb, even frozen waterfalls, yikes.  He went on to say he was afraid to fly, obviously not because he was afraid of heights.  He then said that he'd be fine on a plane if he could fly it.  Bam!  Control issues, I recognized them quickly and smiled as I told him the counselor thinks he has control issues.  He agreed happily and after an hour massage went by like five minutes he assured me I was a very good counselor because I'm a people person.  Little did he know that I just like controling conversations...obviously they don't teach you that in massage school.  :)

My point, I think that 2010 needs to be a time for me to just learn to let things happen.  I know we have to show up to work, to do the rennos, to prepare for the move, to sell the houses, etc.  I also know that the timing, the buyers and the days will be unknown and I need to relax and be okay with that.  So I'm looking at things with more patient eyes...I hope.  Everything will get done and I'll trust it will all be in God's timing.  I have loved putting no timeline on losing fifty one pounds, it's liberating not to be bound by a day.  I'm going to apply this new found freedom to my control issues.  I truly want to learn to relax and let things happen, without me worrying about them.  What a great idea!

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

2010 - Back To A Lose of 10

Todays Question:  "Is that a coincedence?"

I wish!  I never wanted to see the 10 pounds lighter again, didn't want to write it down, didn't want to see it on the scale, I liked being those 2 or 3 pounds away from that.  Christmas has once again found me filling my face and regretting it.  I was doing so well in the beginning, the down hill slide began right after Christmas day.  It was like I plunged into a warm blanket, so comfortable, so familar, I ate whatever I wanted and I didn't stop when I heard my brain mumbling something about having enough.  The dinners out, whether they were home cooked or served up, didn't matter, I ate them, oops I meant to say I overate them.  It was a very sad surrender to the will, the emotions, the desires and the greed.  I need work.

Now it is 2010 and I'd love to say something deeply profound and ever so meaningful, I just can't.  My brain is still foggy from all the food.  Did I tell you that Gord and I went to the Radium bakery on the eve of the New Year, around noon, and bought 12 butter tarts and 12 snickerdoodles (yummy cookies), by New Years day around the same time, they were all gone.  Gone in 24 hours!  Is that a movie title cause if it isn't it should be?  A horror movie of course.   Did I mention that we ate out every day while we were in Radium, except New Years Eve?  Did I tell you how much chocolate I got for Christmas?  Did I tell you how much chocolate I ate after Christmas?  Did I mention that way too many people are good at baking?  Could someone tell me how a chubby girl is supposed to say no to all these temptations.  I don't have the answers.  Before the holiday slide began I thought I did. 

One more confession and then I'm done, I knew the entire time that I'd surrendered to the idea that food equals comfort.  I could hear myself saying you are full, I could hear that voice telling me to stop.  I fell into this feeding freenzy willingly, ignoring the voice of reason and knowing I'd regret it.  Yesterday as we drove home from the condo, while eating a butter tart and then two snickerdoodles immediately after, you'll be paying for this was the song stuck on repeat in my head.  My mom and dads was the lunch stop, yummy, did not overeate, weird hey?  Then the gas station stop, bag of sunflower seeds, small one people I'm trying to watch what I eat.  Got home and wanted to see my children, had not seen them for three days and didn't spend New Years Day with them like I always have, so I called.  What are you doing for dinner I said to Tessa, she mentioned cooking I said lets order pizza.  She's such a good listener.  Ate too much but not way too much since I knew this morning I'd face the scale.  I'm home now and I feel better, I've had my Zayin fix, grandchildren are such a blessing.  The holidays are over and a New Year is upon us, I can start again.

And that is about as profound as I can get.  Starting over this morning and rejoicing that I did not gain all the weight I'd shed in 2009.  I'm going to quickly get back to the task that is before me.  I pray your desire for 2010 would be met with a clear picture and straight path to the finish line.  I will be 51 pounds lighter, not sure what year that will happen in but I tell you my friends....I press on. 

Be blessed with a wonderful day and blessed New Year.