Today I'm lacking motivation in more ways than I am able to count. I don't feel like writing, I don't feel like packing, I don't feel like cooking, I just want to sit. It's been a busy week and I think I may have run out of gas. I wasn't running on premium to begin with but the lead found it's way back and I'm parked.
Today's Question: "Why is it that energy seems to be lacking when we need it the most?"
Answer, I spent it. Yep, spent my wad as they say and now I'm broke. Over did it, pure and simple but didn't stop when my body told me I was tired. Didn't get the extra rest like I should have, kept pushing myself instead. Now I have a whack of things to do and I'm not moving.
The good news is I would normally start feeding my exhaustion and that would give me enough energy to get more done. Why is that good news? Because I'm not doing it, I refuse to be tired and mad. I'd rather not add to all I have to get done guilt and self-loathing. So I'm going to sit. I need rest and I'm going to rest. I'm ordering in, my husband will pick it up, and then I plan to have a quiet night.
I have discovered that everything I have to do, will be waiting for me tomorrow. I need to learn to trust myself enough to know that I will do what has to be done. I know there are things that need to be done, I just wonder why we women stress ourselves out thinking we can do it all in record breaking time. Who cares, that's how I feel today. My kids didn't care if their jeans were a little dirty, I did. They cared when I spent time with them, played with them, made them laugh. I don't have wonderful memories of a clean house, my memories are relational.
I'm glad I finallly figured it out....I'm going to "help" myself and have a restful night. I'm not going to overeat, I'm not going to push myself.
Have a wonderful and blessed day.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Procrastination
"Procrastination is, hands down, our favorite form of self-sabotage." I would give you the name of the person who said that if I could remember it. "Memory is something I know I have but can't for the life of me remember where I put it." That's mine.
I put off writing today because when I got up this morning I weighed 3 pounds more than I did yesterday. I was unhappy to say the least and had no desire to write. I decided to put it off or procrastinate. I went back to sleep, finally, after trying to figure out why I'd gained that much weight. I was so disappointed and very puzzled. I decided it must be because I drove for 6 hours and did nothing but sit. Every once in a while I wish we had cars like the Flintstones.
Today's Question: "Why do I let that scale override what I know to be true."
I'm still searching for the answer. I sat on my bed thinking, I look different, I feel different. My clothes are fitting so much better. I wore an Indian suit two nights ago that had flattened my double d's to mere b's in an instant the last time I tried it on. I can wear jeans that I couldn't button up a month ago. Why? Why, do I let that scale bug me. If that inatimate object tells me I'm up I almost instantly feel fat. Funny how I felt so slim last night when I went to bed a little hungry.
All those thoughts are what nearly caused the de-railment of my blog. I thought of quitting this morning, didn't want to write anymore. Decided I'd weigh less often. Felt to indulge if I was gaining weight anyway. I mean really, if the result is heavier I should have eaten dessert. At least I'd feel like I'd earned the weight that scaley thing said I'd gain.
Yikes. What a morning. So I put off writing, that was the first move to procrastination, I put off breakfast, I put off getting up when I have so much to do, I put off packing, ironing, doing my books etc. I self-sabotaged my morning. I have little time now to do anything I was suppose to because I let the read on the scale determine my mood. What a silly I am.
Here's the funny part, I went back to face that scale after 3 hours and I weighed exactly the same as I did yesterday, not down but not up either. What the crap...pardon my language. Scales, can anyone explain how I lost 3 pounds sleeping?
I'm going to put off...putting things off. Let's see how that works.
Have a wonderful and blessed day.
I put off writing today because when I got up this morning I weighed 3 pounds more than I did yesterday. I was unhappy to say the least and had no desire to write. I decided to put it off or procrastinate. I went back to sleep, finally, after trying to figure out why I'd gained that much weight. I was so disappointed and very puzzled. I decided it must be because I drove for 6 hours and did nothing but sit. Every once in a while I wish we had cars like the Flintstones.
Today's Question: "Why do I let that scale override what I know to be true."
I'm still searching for the answer. I sat on my bed thinking, I look different, I feel different. My clothes are fitting so much better. I wore an Indian suit two nights ago that had flattened my double d's to mere b's in an instant the last time I tried it on. I can wear jeans that I couldn't button up a month ago. Why? Why, do I let that scale bug me. If that inatimate object tells me I'm up I almost instantly feel fat. Funny how I felt so slim last night when I went to bed a little hungry.
All those thoughts are what nearly caused the de-railment of my blog. I thought of quitting this morning, didn't want to write anymore. Decided I'd weigh less often. Felt to indulge if I was gaining weight anyway. I mean really, if the result is heavier I should have eaten dessert. At least I'd feel like I'd earned the weight that scaley thing said I'd gain.
Yikes. What a morning. So I put off writing, that was the first move to procrastination, I put off breakfast, I put off getting up when I have so much to do, I put off packing, ironing, doing my books etc. I self-sabotaged my morning. I have little time now to do anything I was suppose to because I let the read on the scale determine my mood. What a silly I am.
Here's the funny part, I went back to face that scale after 3 hours and I weighed exactly the same as I did yesterday, not down but not up either. What the crap...pardon my language. Scales, can anyone explain how I lost 3 pounds sleeping?
I'm going to put off...putting things off. Let's see how that works.
Have a wonderful and blessed day.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Unpredictable
This morning I wanted to sleep in but the word unpredictable came to mind when a thought about my blog snuck in. And it was followed by....
Todays Question: How long will it take before you stop doing the things you do expecting a different result?
The answer should really be a prayer. "Lord help me I'm predictable and I don't want to be." In some ways being predictable is such a good thing. I love knowing that there are people in this world who you can count on, they seem to always do what is right. They are wonderful examples of good predictability. I also know people who are very unpredictable and it is a little frightening because you never know what kind of response you are going to get. One day happy, next day...not so much. That's the not so pleasant side of predictability and I'm not judging anyone here...just pointing out both sides. I will tell you I have spent time in both and worked hard in my dealings with people not to let my moods reflect my actions.
Speaking of hard work, I need to be more unpredictable in the things I will try. I need to be more unpredictable in the way I will respond to certain things, like food for example. This is a weight lose journal after all. Last night I went to a wonderful Indian engagement party, oh the food was incredible, nan, butter chicken, I only ate the sauce, vegetables that were so amazing, desserts that give new meaning to sweet, and chai tea in abundance. It was so good. I was eating my supper and it was yummy, the first plate, I was about to do something very predictable but once again, I thought of you my wonderful blogging friends. I knew that if I went for that second plate I'd gain the pleasure of eating everything on, but no lose when I faced the scale. I also would have that predictable and uncomfortable stomach ache from eating too much. You decide if that is good predictability or not. I'm very happy to report that I did not have seconds. The reasons too abounded in my brain, it's free food, it so good, you'll be dancing you can wear it off. Seriously, did I plan on dancing for 24 hours? Don't think so and that's how long it would take to wear off butter chicken sauce I'm sure.
So, I didn't realize it last night but I did this morning, I did something very unpredictable and the result was very good. I did not fall into that wonderful food only to look up from the floor with a sauce covered face, sweets in my mouth and chai all over the place asking my husband to help me up. I did not go home with a stomach ache from overeating, I did however have to take a rolaid before bed because I had heartburn from the spices. So worth it. I am learning to do what is unpredictable for me, eat only as much as I need to feel comfortable and content. I used the word content intentionally, it means having no more than what is necessary, being satisfied. What a great word to define how we should feel after every meal.
When will I stop doing what I've always done expecting a different result? As soon as I stop being predictable. I really would love to spend more time doing things I never thought I'd do. I really want for all of us to live our lives to the fullest. I really don't want an uncomfortable waste band and the comfort of always being able to eat as much as I want. It seems good at the time but it leaves me empty. Being predictable in the negative sense will never be a postive. "Never!" I need to chew on that, it's calorie free.
Be blessed with a wonderfully unpredictable day.
(I felt to pray that so let me know what today brings for you.)
Todays Question: How long will it take before you stop doing the things you do expecting a different result?
The answer should really be a prayer. "Lord help me I'm predictable and I don't want to be." In some ways being predictable is such a good thing. I love knowing that there are people in this world who you can count on, they seem to always do what is right. They are wonderful examples of good predictability. I also know people who are very unpredictable and it is a little frightening because you never know what kind of response you are going to get. One day happy, next day...not so much. That's the not so pleasant side of predictability and I'm not judging anyone here...just pointing out both sides. I will tell you I have spent time in both and worked hard in my dealings with people not to let my moods reflect my actions.
Speaking of hard work, I need to be more unpredictable in the things I will try. I need to be more unpredictable in the way I will respond to certain things, like food for example. This is a weight lose journal after all. Last night I went to a wonderful Indian engagement party, oh the food was incredible, nan, butter chicken, I only ate the sauce, vegetables that were so amazing, desserts that give new meaning to sweet, and chai tea in abundance. It was so good. I was eating my supper and it was yummy, the first plate, I was about to do something very predictable but once again, I thought of you my wonderful blogging friends. I knew that if I went for that second plate I'd gain the pleasure of eating everything on, but no lose when I faced the scale. I also would have that predictable and uncomfortable stomach ache from eating too much. You decide if that is good predictability or not. I'm very happy to report that I did not have seconds. The reasons too abounded in my brain, it's free food, it so good, you'll be dancing you can wear it off. Seriously, did I plan on dancing for 24 hours? Don't think so and that's how long it would take to wear off butter chicken sauce I'm sure.
So, I didn't realize it last night but I did this morning, I did something very unpredictable and the result was very good. I did not fall into that wonderful food only to look up from the floor with a sauce covered face, sweets in my mouth and chai all over the place asking my husband to help me up. I did not go home with a stomach ache from overeating, I did however have to take a rolaid before bed because I had heartburn from the spices. So worth it. I am learning to do what is unpredictable for me, eat only as much as I need to feel comfortable and content. I used the word content intentionally, it means having no more than what is necessary, being satisfied. What a great word to define how we should feel after every meal.
When will I stop doing what I've always done expecting a different result? As soon as I stop being predictable. I really would love to spend more time doing things I never thought I'd do. I really want for all of us to live our lives to the fullest. I really don't want an uncomfortable waste band and the comfort of always being able to eat as much as I want. It seems good at the time but it leaves me empty. Being predictable in the negative sense will never be a postive. "Never!" I need to chew on that, it's calorie free.
Be blessed with a wonderfully unpredictable day.
(I felt to pray that so let me know what today brings for you.)
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Hoped for but not seen.
So today I'm thinking about Hebrews eleven; "Faith is the evidence of things hoped for and not seen." As in I hoped for a loss and got a one pound gain, that would be a good thing if I lived in England, but since I'm Canadian, I'm not liking that. I am however keeping the faith when I don't see the result I hoped for. I know in my head that this is going to happen from time to time, well at least once a month, but I don't like it much I have to admit. If I had fallen off the wagon, filled up on chocolate, chips or any number of yummy things, it wouldn't bother me so much, I'd have gotten my just desserts...so to speak. However, I did not.
Todays question: "Is it possible to keep hoping when the evidence is against you?"
Absolutely! I beleive and wait patiently for alot of things I've never seen. I know without a doubt that God is real, Jesus is my Saviour and the Holy Spirit speaks and directs me on a regular basis. I have no evidence, I not only beleive it, my life depends on it. I know that I have areas in my life that I need to change, I beleive I will suceed, eventually.
My husband would confirm this morning that I need work, little grumpy to say the least. I know when I'm miserable and I know I need to stop, just haven't mastered the how when my hormones are raging. I know every single time I'm being a jerk, I hear that voice in my head telling me you are not being nice. I push it aside, it comes back. I listen. I have found that confession is truly good for the mood. Once I've stated outloud that I'm miserable I'm on the road to recovery. Usually people are very happy to agree with me when I state the obvious. Funny how that works...in that sad kinda way.
Today I'm painfully aware that I'm waiting for the evidence of my changes, I do have enough faith to know that I can and will change. I have to look past what and I do and know that it is "not" who I am. It is how I act from time to time, but truly not who I am. When it comes to weight lose, it will come if I don't give up when I don't see the results I think I deserve. When it comes to being Mrs. Grumpy Pants, I need to remember how I avoid grumpy people whenever possible. I really don't want my husband, or anyone for that matter, to not like being around me.
I hope you all have the faith to wait for the evidence, it will come. We are not what we do, we are not always what we feel, we are created in God's image, fearfully and wonderfully made. I'm not seeing the evidence today but I still know it's possible and true. Once again...I will press on beleiving that I will get the results.
Be blessed with a wonderful and hopefull day.
Todays question: "Is it possible to keep hoping when the evidence is against you?"
Absolutely! I beleive and wait patiently for alot of things I've never seen. I know without a doubt that God is real, Jesus is my Saviour and the Holy Spirit speaks and directs me on a regular basis. I have no evidence, I not only beleive it, my life depends on it. I know that I have areas in my life that I need to change, I beleive I will suceed, eventually.
My husband would confirm this morning that I need work, little grumpy to say the least. I know when I'm miserable and I know I need to stop, just haven't mastered the how when my hormones are raging. I know every single time I'm being a jerk, I hear that voice in my head telling me you are not being nice. I push it aside, it comes back. I listen. I have found that confession is truly good for the mood. Once I've stated outloud that I'm miserable I'm on the road to recovery. Usually people are very happy to agree with me when I state the obvious. Funny how that works...in that sad kinda way.
Today I'm painfully aware that I'm waiting for the evidence of my changes, I do have enough faith to know that I can and will change. I have to look past what and I do and know that it is "not" who I am. It is how I act from time to time, but truly not who I am. When it comes to weight lose, it will come if I don't give up when I don't see the results I think I deserve. When it comes to being Mrs. Grumpy Pants, I need to remember how I avoid grumpy people whenever possible. I really don't want my husband, or anyone for that matter, to not like being around me.
I hope you all have the faith to wait for the evidence, it will come. We are not what we do, we are not always what we feel, we are created in God's image, fearfully and wonderfully made. I'm not seeing the evidence today but I still know it's possible and true. Once again...I will press on beleiving that I will get the results.
Be blessed with a wonderful and hopefull day.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Weight a Minute
It's a funny thing this losing weight process, funny in that argh kinda way. The part that's funny has to do with results and the looking for results. That prompted today's title, weight a minute. I went to my closest after blogging and rejoicing over my milestone, I wanted to wear something different, something that would now fit. Turns out I've been wearing alot of the same things because I was too "pleasantly plump" for the others, I had ignored that fact. I don't know why I thought I could jump back into clothes I was wearing when I was 10 pounds lighter than I am now. Wishful thinking, I should have "weighted a minute".
Today's Question: "Why didn't I get upset when a smaller, but still large roll was cascading over the top of the jeans I was thinking I could wear?" (Sounds nicer when I say cascading than hanging don't you think?)
The answer. I couldn't even get the buttons together before that's why. And last night as I lay thinking about my blog, yep I do that. I got the title "weight a minute". If I start focusing on the fact that I can't comfortably wear what we all call our "skinny clothes" then I'm going to be upset or mad that I have not lost enough weight. I needed to stop and weight, take that minute to be happy for the change and know that next summer I'll be wearing those, if they are not too big. I'll probably fit into them in a month or so but they are white jean capri's, I may be tempted to wear them but my fear of being out of fashion will override. Thank God.
Weighting is a good thing and I had never put the two words together before but I did now, so I think I may be the first to coin the term "weighting", which has dual meanings in this case. I need to watch my weight and I need to wait for some things, expectantly, patiently and happily. I'm not know for my patience, no comments from close friends, husband or children please. I do so many things quickly. Yep even eat. Everything is a race for me and apparently I'm a little competitive. I do like to win, also like to see others win, just not when they are competing against me. I don't get mad when playing board games, I'm not a screaming, holloring ninny or anything, it's just fun to win. Oh and people can lose weight and suceed and I don't mind at all, in fact I'm very happy for them, as long as they don't expect me to follow them. Weird hey. Funny how you can be competitive in some things and not in others.
My point, weighting is a good thing on both counts. Wait for results while doing the work to obtain them, weigh your actions and the motivation of your heart, compete against yourself and you'll never hurt anyone elses feeling, I lost ten pounds, I won that leg of my journey, I have four more to go plus one pound. I need to wait to wear smaller clothes but enjoy the comfort I'm now feeling in the clothes I've been wearing. I need to weight for white jeans, it's just better for everyone. Have you ever noticed how white and cellulite don't mix that well, makes me think of cottage cheese.
And last but not least, give yourself permission to weight a minute. Take the time to enjoy what you have accomplished before you fill your mind with the "mores". I need to lose more, I need to get more, I need to do more, I need to have more. Those "mores" will stop you from enjoying all that you "have" accomplished at this moment.
Have a wonderful and blessed day.
Today's Question: "Why didn't I get upset when a smaller, but still large roll was cascading over the top of the jeans I was thinking I could wear?" (Sounds nicer when I say cascading than hanging don't you think?)
The answer. I couldn't even get the buttons together before that's why. And last night as I lay thinking about my blog, yep I do that. I got the title "weight a minute". If I start focusing on the fact that I can't comfortably wear what we all call our "skinny clothes" then I'm going to be upset or mad that I have not lost enough weight. I needed to stop and weight, take that minute to be happy for the change and know that next summer I'll be wearing those, if they are not too big. I'll probably fit into them in a month or so but they are white jean capri's, I may be tempted to wear them but my fear of being out of fashion will override. Thank God.
Weighting is a good thing and I had never put the two words together before but I did now, so I think I may be the first to coin the term "weighting", which has dual meanings in this case. I need to watch my weight and I need to wait for some things, expectantly, patiently and happily. I'm not know for my patience, no comments from close friends, husband or children please. I do so many things quickly. Yep even eat. Everything is a race for me and apparently I'm a little competitive. I do like to win, also like to see others win, just not when they are competing against me. I don't get mad when playing board games, I'm not a screaming, holloring ninny or anything, it's just fun to win. Oh and people can lose weight and suceed and I don't mind at all, in fact I'm very happy for them, as long as they don't expect me to follow them. Weird hey. Funny how you can be competitive in some things and not in others.
My point, weighting is a good thing on both counts. Wait for results while doing the work to obtain them, weigh your actions and the motivation of your heart, compete against yourself and you'll never hurt anyone elses feeling, I lost ten pounds, I won that leg of my journey, I have four more to go plus one pound. I need to wait to wear smaller clothes but enjoy the comfort I'm now feeling in the clothes I've been wearing. I need to weight for white jeans, it's just better for everyone. Have you ever noticed how white and cellulite don't mix that well, makes me think of cottage cheese.
And last but not least, give yourself permission to weight a minute. Take the time to enjoy what you have accomplished before you fill your mind with the "mores". I need to lose more, I need to get more, I need to do more, I need to have more. Those "mores" will stop you from enjoying all that you "have" accomplished at this moment.
Have a wonderful and blessed day.
Friday, September 25, 2009
10 Pounds - Yay!
I have finally reached my first 10 pounds....I have delivered that baby and it wasn't too painful. I didn't realize how much it meant to me to see that first 10 pound drop. The smile on my face for 5 minutes after revealed that it meant alot more to me than I thought. I almost jumped for joy before I realized I didn't need a sprained ankle, I do still need to lose 40 more pounds.
You would think this was the first time I'd ever lost 10 pounds, so not true. I have lost and found about 15 people over the course of my life. I feel so different this time and I guess it's because in the past I've set out to lose weight never setting a goal. I'd only commit to "try" to lose some weight. Putting a number on it was way too serious for me, committment overload.
Todays question: "Did any of you think that setting goals for weight lose was stupid?" I did!
I honestly thought that setting goals in general was stupid. I didn't realize until today that I've been doing it for most of my life, I just never called it that. I went back to school and thought that was a committment, turns out I missed the goal I'd set to finish in 3 years. I did it...shocking myself here. I wanted to lose no less than 20 pounds before my kids weddings, did it plus some extra, I thought that was a decision not a goal. Weird how you can be as old as I am and completely miss something. I guess goals, committments and decisions are pretty much married in meaning. I've stayed with my commitments and decisions but I'd divorced the goals without cause.
Sometimes in life decisions are made and minds are set before careful consideration of the matter has taken place. Sometimes we hate something we don't want to face. That is what I was doing, I know that I am a person of my word, if I commit to something I'm going to do it. The fear of committing to weight lose and setting a goal is what held me back. What's stopping you my friends?
I think that it is better to face your fears at any age than it is to say you can't change because you are too old, too busy, to tired, to stressed, to sick, etc. The excuse list is long, mine ran from my front door to the Sobey's in Beaumont, you knew I'd pick a grocery store. I've set a goal, I'm so happy I got to the first 10 pound marker. I'm pressing on.
Have a blessed and wonderful day.
You would think this was the first time I'd ever lost 10 pounds, so not true. I have lost and found about 15 people over the course of my life. I feel so different this time and I guess it's because in the past I've set out to lose weight never setting a goal. I'd only commit to "try" to lose some weight. Putting a number on it was way too serious for me, committment overload.
Todays question: "Did any of you think that setting goals for weight lose was stupid?" I did!
I honestly thought that setting goals in general was stupid. I didn't realize until today that I've been doing it for most of my life, I just never called it that. I went back to school and thought that was a committment, turns out I missed the goal I'd set to finish in 3 years. I did it...shocking myself here. I wanted to lose no less than 20 pounds before my kids weddings, did it plus some extra, I thought that was a decision not a goal. Weird how you can be as old as I am and completely miss something. I guess goals, committments and decisions are pretty much married in meaning. I've stayed with my commitments and decisions but I'd divorced the goals without cause.
Sometimes in life decisions are made and minds are set before careful consideration of the matter has taken place. Sometimes we hate something we don't want to face. That is what I was doing, I know that I am a person of my word, if I commit to something I'm going to do it. The fear of committing to weight lose and setting a goal is what held me back. What's stopping you my friends?
I think that it is better to face your fears at any age than it is to say you can't change because you are too old, too busy, to tired, to stressed, to sick, etc. The excuse list is long, mine ran from my front door to the Sobey's in Beaumont, you knew I'd pick a grocery store. I've set a goal, I'm so happy I got to the first 10 pound marker. I'm pressing on.
Have a blessed and wonderful day.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Refocused.
It is day 24 and already I need to refocus. Funny how easy it is to slip back into the old ways and how hard it can be to stay on track. I honestly never thought this process would be easy but somehow I thought, since I recognized the problem, that it was fixed by merely acknowledging it. The saying goes, you can't fix a problem until you acknowledge it. Sounds simple right, acknowledgement equals fixed. The saying "should" go, you can't fix a problem until you acknowledge it and then work your butt off (I'm hoping) to change.
I acknowledge the day before yesterday that compliments are hard for me to take. They seem to send me searching for something to put in my mouth. I want my fat back. I know why, I blogged about why and then on the following day I did well. I was silly enough to think I'd handled it, yesterday however, was not such a good day. I found myself eating, I was in that blank place again, only this time I could feel what I was doing and I was "not" as blank as I normally am. I kept putting little things in my mouth, they kept adding up and I was the calculator. A few pieces of cracker, a few bites of Zayin's food, a piece of a chocolate bar, etc. All little bits, but when I refocused I realized I was eating more than I wanted, I was overeating. I was actually trying to trick myself into beleiving that it was different because I didn't eat the whole chocolate bar, it was only parts of the cracker, and maybe I was just having a hungry day. I'm so good at making up reasons for why I'm eating. Not so good at reality though.
Todays question: "How long does it take for abnormal to feel normal?"
I remember when I was 40 pounds lighter, it's evidence that I have a really good memory because it was 23 years ago. Right after Gordon Jr. was born. I thought I was fat. I can still remember being 50 pounds lighter, right after my baby girl was born. I didn't feel fat and I was shocked by that, didn't take me long to get my weight up. I remember when I met my husband and I was so skinny I didn't even have a side roll, that has only happened once in my life. I also remember when a co-worker of both my husband and I said if I was 10 pounds lighter I'd could be a centrefold. Not my desire at all, but funny how all I heard was you should be 10 pounds lighter. I had no rolls, a flat stomach, could wear anything, and still all I heard was the insult. I really think that comment caused years of frustration over my weight. I would never be slim enough, so why bother. I didn't have the confidence or the wisdom to ignore the remark. I just gave up. I never refocused.
When something is in focus it is clear, when the light changes, or another person comes into the picture we have to refocus. I need to refocus. I'm still being effected by the words of other people, I'm giving myself permission to let my words, my thoughts about myself to be the ones that matter. I need to remember that only I can make myself happy. I chose, I decide. I know what I want and I have to do all the work to get it, I have God's help and I'm so grateful for that, I have genuine support from those who love me, and I beleive I can lose fifty one pounds. Refocused and ready for the journey.
Be blessed with a wonderful day.
I acknowledge the day before yesterday that compliments are hard for me to take. They seem to send me searching for something to put in my mouth. I want my fat back. I know why, I blogged about why and then on the following day I did well. I was silly enough to think I'd handled it, yesterday however, was not such a good day. I found myself eating, I was in that blank place again, only this time I could feel what I was doing and I was "not" as blank as I normally am. I kept putting little things in my mouth, they kept adding up and I was the calculator. A few pieces of cracker, a few bites of Zayin's food, a piece of a chocolate bar, etc. All little bits, but when I refocused I realized I was eating more than I wanted, I was overeating. I was actually trying to trick myself into beleiving that it was different because I didn't eat the whole chocolate bar, it was only parts of the cracker, and maybe I was just having a hungry day. I'm so good at making up reasons for why I'm eating. Not so good at reality though.
Todays question: "How long does it take for abnormal to feel normal?"
I remember when I was 40 pounds lighter, it's evidence that I have a really good memory because it was 23 years ago. Right after Gordon Jr. was born. I thought I was fat. I can still remember being 50 pounds lighter, right after my baby girl was born. I didn't feel fat and I was shocked by that, didn't take me long to get my weight up. I remember when I met my husband and I was so skinny I didn't even have a side roll, that has only happened once in my life. I also remember when a co-worker of both my husband and I said if I was 10 pounds lighter I'd could be a centrefold. Not my desire at all, but funny how all I heard was you should be 10 pounds lighter. I had no rolls, a flat stomach, could wear anything, and still all I heard was the insult. I really think that comment caused years of frustration over my weight. I would never be slim enough, so why bother. I didn't have the confidence or the wisdom to ignore the remark. I just gave up. I never refocused.
When something is in focus it is clear, when the light changes, or another person comes into the picture we have to refocus. I need to refocus. I'm still being effected by the words of other people, I'm giving myself permission to let my words, my thoughts about myself to be the ones that matter. I need to remember that only I can make myself happy. I chose, I decide. I know what I want and I have to do all the work to get it, I have God's help and I'm so grateful for that, I have genuine support from those who love me, and I beleive I can lose fifty one pounds. Refocused and ready for the journey.
Be blessed with a wonderful day.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
I'll Pass on the Salt.
Yesterday was a great day, had lunch with a friend, shopped a bit, had supper with my husband at home and then played with my horse in the evening. Great day. I also watched what I ate, didn't over eat and when I came back from the stable I felt like a snack so I shared some cucumber with my husband. I added salt and pepper. Oops.
Turns out that if I want to see results from a healthy food choice day, that is without overindulgence, I should haved "passed" on the salt. I didn't gain, but for how I ate I expected a drop, even a half pound or quater pound. I don't consider my loses blogworthy until it's a full pound...I do still see it on the scale though. So when I was down a pound and a half yesterday, I was hoping that other half would go today. Fat chance. :)
Todays questions: "How long before I realize salt, water retention, bloating etc, can effect my weight lose or gain and that I should not be bothered by it?"
I don't know. If you expected me to have that answer you just weren't thinking. It appears this is another area where I have to change my mindset. Yesterday I got two unsolicited compliments about my weight. One from a male, one from a female. Both were genuine and both made me feel good. It was nice to know that people were noticing and my work was paying off. The problem started in the morning, after I got dressed and noticed I was looking slimer, that shouldn't be a problem but for me it was. I put it aside and got ready to leave, got to my car and wasn't 100% certain I'd shut off my hair straightner. Ignored it but then realized my remote car starter was dead so decided I'd go back for a battery and check the iron. Big deal you may be thinking, do it all the time. Well, I saw my reflection in the glass screen door as I walked into the house and I was uncomfortable. I was looking slimer even from the front, I'd only seen my profile in the mirror upstairs as I got ready. I was bugged up the stairs, I was bugged down the stairs and as I walked out the door I was tempted to look back, just to see if I was looking slimer from behind as well. Couldn't do it. I just kept walking and telling myself it was okay, it's okay, you can be slimmer and you'll be okay. Your okay.
That is called self-talk. It is a healthy way of coping. You wonder why I have to cope with looking slimer? Let me tell you, I'm more comfortable being heavy than I am slim. Heavy makes me feel like people don't notice me, when I say people I mean men. I have no problem when a female tells me I'm looking good. I have a problem when a male tells me I look good. I feel two things, glad they noticed, and then uncomfortable, they noticed. I have had way too much attention over the years from men who liked my slim body a little too much. I also don't have a dad who gives compliments. Put those two things together and you get an unhealthy reaction to attention from men. One more area I need to work on. Does it ever end?
Maybe today's topic has more to do with the swelling of the head, than it does the swelling caused from salt. I'm also reminded that salt on a wound stings. I knew this blog was going to be painful from time to time, I also knew I'd have to be honest. Just because someone pays you a compliment it does not mean your brain hears it as one. I need to work on receiving compliments from men and not adding my past "a-salts" to their words. I think that will be hard at first, since I have the evidence in hand, but I'm sure if I keep talking myself through it I'll be okay. I know who I am and I know who I am not. Focus Jenny...just stay focused.
Be blessed with a wonderful day.
Turns out that if I want to see results from a healthy food choice day, that is without overindulgence, I should haved "passed" on the salt. I didn't gain, but for how I ate I expected a drop, even a half pound or quater pound. I don't consider my loses blogworthy until it's a full pound...I do still see it on the scale though. So when I was down a pound and a half yesterday, I was hoping that other half would go today. Fat chance. :)
Todays questions: "How long before I realize salt, water retention, bloating etc, can effect my weight lose or gain and that I should not be bothered by it?"
I don't know. If you expected me to have that answer you just weren't thinking. It appears this is another area where I have to change my mindset. Yesterday I got two unsolicited compliments about my weight. One from a male, one from a female. Both were genuine and both made me feel good. It was nice to know that people were noticing and my work was paying off. The problem started in the morning, after I got dressed and noticed I was looking slimer, that shouldn't be a problem but for me it was. I put it aside and got ready to leave, got to my car and wasn't 100% certain I'd shut off my hair straightner. Ignored it but then realized my remote car starter was dead so decided I'd go back for a battery and check the iron. Big deal you may be thinking, do it all the time. Well, I saw my reflection in the glass screen door as I walked into the house and I was uncomfortable. I was looking slimer even from the front, I'd only seen my profile in the mirror upstairs as I got ready. I was bugged up the stairs, I was bugged down the stairs and as I walked out the door I was tempted to look back, just to see if I was looking slimer from behind as well. Couldn't do it. I just kept walking and telling myself it was okay, it's okay, you can be slimmer and you'll be okay. Your okay.
That is called self-talk. It is a healthy way of coping. You wonder why I have to cope with looking slimer? Let me tell you, I'm more comfortable being heavy than I am slim. Heavy makes me feel like people don't notice me, when I say people I mean men. I have no problem when a female tells me I'm looking good. I have a problem when a male tells me I look good. I feel two things, glad they noticed, and then uncomfortable, they noticed. I have had way too much attention over the years from men who liked my slim body a little too much. I also don't have a dad who gives compliments. Put those two things together and you get an unhealthy reaction to attention from men. One more area I need to work on. Does it ever end?
Maybe today's topic has more to do with the swelling of the head, than it does the swelling caused from salt. I'm also reminded that salt on a wound stings. I knew this blog was going to be painful from time to time, I also knew I'd have to be honest. Just because someone pays you a compliment it does not mean your brain hears it as one. I need to work on receiving compliments from men and not adding my past "a-salts" to their words. I think that will be hard at first, since I have the evidence in hand, but I'm sure if I keep talking myself through it I'll be okay. I know who I am and I know who I am not. Focus Jenny...just stay focused.
Be blessed with a wonderful day.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Changing my Mind
Don't panic, I'm not quitting. I'm just realizing that changing my mind about how I see food is possible, but not easy, and requires constant focus and attention. I am tempted multiple times throughout the day for various reasons to reach for food. Years of programming and bad habits do not disappear instantly. It is work to change a mindset that has been in place and working most effectively for thirty plus years. I was very successful at maintaining a good not so healthy over-weight status. Very good at it...I'm not so good at figuring out how long it will take for the change to be complete and I'm not so good with patience as the change seems to be slow.
On the weekend I got a fortune cookie, don't worry I don't eat them I just like to read them, especially since they started putting funny fortunes in them, not so fond of the serious ones. Mine said, "You are too impatient for instant gratification". I couldn't help but laugh out loud. So true of me, the funny ones nail me more often than the serious. Maybe because so many parts of my life have been a joke...meaning that after the crisis passes I can find humor in it. I don't even like waiting to change my mind, how sad is that?
It would be difficult for me to count how many times, since I started this process, I've gone to the pantry and the fridge to find something to fill me. I'm not hungry, I'm looking for something. I've said before that it has nothing to do with food, I just want to feel full. I want some reward for what I've thought, felt and gone through in a day. Yesterday I was so tired and I discovered that I want to eat when I get tired, it's a very real part of how the body functions, but once I recognized the cause and blogged about it, I shouldn't have found myself looking for food but I did.
Todays question: "Why did I see the problem in the morning and have to see it again in the afternoon and evening?
Answer, changing your mind is hard. That question is so loaded it may explode so guard yourselves. I'm a Counselor and I can't tell you how many times we find the problem in a session only to deal with it again in the next one. The problem is presented, solutions are suggested and people come back trying to figure why they don't change the problem when they know what it is. I don't judge them since I do the same thing. Obviously for so many of us, wanting to change is not the problem, figuring out how to change is.
So now what? Press on...that's what. When you really want something you get it, when you stick to your dreams no matter how long it takes for you to see them become reality, you are a success. I have never thought about my desire to be healthier and fifty one pounds lighter as a dream until now. Surprising because some times I think I must be dreaming if I think I can do this. But do it I will. Why? Because I have recognized I'm the problem, no one and no thing to blame but me. My mind had me prisoner, I was sure I couldn't escape. Until I realized something...IT'S MY MIND.
It is hard to change, very hard, but the rewards are totally worth the effort. We are worth the effort. The prize for me is the "peace" of mind that follows the changing of the mind.
Have a wonderful and blessed day.
On the weekend I got a fortune cookie, don't worry I don't eat them I just like to read them, especially since they started putting funny fortunes in them, not so fond of the serious ones. Mine said, "You are too impatient for instant gratification". I couldn't help but laugh out loud. So true of me, the funny ones nail me more often than the serious. Maybe because so many parts of my life have been a joke...meaning that after the crisis passes I can find humor in it. I don't even like waiting to change my mind, how sad is that?
It would be difficult for me to count how many times, since I started this process, I've gone to the pantry and the fridge to find something to fill me. I'm not hungry, I'm looking for something. I've said before that it has nothing to do with food, I just want to feel full. I want some reward for what I've thought, felt and gone through in a day. Yesterday I was so tired and I discovered that I want to eat when I get tired, it's a very real part of how the body functions, but once I recognized the cause and blogged about it, I shouldn't have found myself looking for food but I did.
Todays question: "Why did I see the problem in the morning and have to see it again in the afternoon and evening?
Answer, changing your mind is hard. That question is so loaded it may explode so guard yourselves. I'm a Counselor and I can't tell you how many times we find the problem in a session only to deal with it again in the next one. The problem is presented, solutions are suggested and people come back trying to figure why they don't change the problem when they know what it is. I don't judge them since I do the same thing. Obviously for so many of us, wanting to change is not the problem, figuring out how to change is.
So now what? Press on...that's what. When you really want something you get it, when you stick to your dreams no matter how long it takes for you to see them become reality, you are a success. I have never thought about my desire to be healthier and fifty one pounds lighter as a dream until now. Surprising because some times I think I must be dreaming if I think I can do this. But do it I will. Why? Because I have recognized I'm the problem, no one and no thing to blame but me. My mind had me prisoner, I was sure I couldn't escape. Until I realized something...IT'S MY MIND.
It is hard to change, very hard, but the rewards are totally worth the effort. We are worth the effort. The prize for me is the "peace" of mind that follows the changing of the mind.
Have a wonderful and blessed day.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Weighed Down
Have you ever noticed how being tired makes everything seem heavier, even your body, and this in spite of the fact that I'm down one pound. I picked up my son and his wife from the airport last night at 12:30 and by the time I got to bed it was 1:30. My husbands alarm goes off at 5:30 and so here I am sitting in my bed with my laptop at 6:27 feeling heavy from the weight of tiredness. I realized something last night as I wasted time playing on the computer after Gord went to bed. No point in both of us being tired. The more tired I got, the hungier I got, then I realized something I hadn't before. An overtired body wants fuel and food is our bodies fuel. I didn't realize the full impact of that thought last night, I was too tired. It took my reflection time this morning to highlight the fact. Plus I'm still tired and I'm still hungry, that always gets my attention.
Todays question: "How often do we eat when what we need is sleep?"
For me the answer is way too often. Funny how we have the energy to find food when we can't muster up enough to do anything else. The busyness of our lives is a huge factor in our obsession with food. We know we have to eat and so we make time for that, and when we are tired food keeps us going. I have enough proof in my life of this that I could destroy any evidence brought against me. I can tell you I have never read a diet book that tells you lack of sleep is a contributing factor to weight gain. And I have no less than 10 books on dieting in my house right now. Add to that my experience with Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Topps, Dr. Atkins, fasting, Sommersizing, and so many more quick fix methods I can't count or remember them all. Not once did anyone tell me my tiredness was a factor in my overeating. How rude.
It is remarkable to me what one can discover with prayer and thought. I was asking God to show me what to write this morning and He did. I need to get more rest. I have a not enough sleep problem, not a weight problem. Hello! I'm smart enough to know it's not the whole answer but I wasn't smart enough to see that it was part of the answer. I'm really so surprised I missed that for so long. My baby sister always wanted food when she got tired. When she was young you never heard her say she was tired, always hungry. We knew she was tired but she denied it and insisted that food was what she needed. My mom would tell her, you are not hungry you are tired, and she would persist, she ate and then had the energy to keep going.
Boy I'm slow to figure things out sometimes.
I wonder how people would act if they had enough sleep. I wonder if any of us would be fat. When we went to Europe one of the things that impressed me the most, in the smaller cities, was how store owners shut their stores in the middle of the afternoon to go home for a sleep. I couldn't beleive that they would just shut the doors and miss all that business. Am I a North American or what? The other thing I noticed was that they were not overweight, they did two things different than us. They walked to work and they went home in the afternoon for a nap. Let me tell you they were not slim because of what they ate, those Europeans know how to eat and they eat well. All the foods we are told to avoid, icre cream, gelato, cheeses, french fries dipped in mayonase, breads, pastas and pastries like I have never had before. I credited that to walking everywhere...turns out I missed a part. Rest.
I need to remember that when I get tired I don't need food. I need to recognize when I am tired and I need to rest. They say that knowing what your problem is is crucial to solving it. So I hope that this little insight helps me, and you, to recognize the difference between hunger and lack of sleep.
I think it's ironic that we feel heavy when we are tired and then eat, that is what I call being weighed down. I should have "laid" down.
Pardon the pun.
Have a wonderful and blessed day.
Todays question: "How often do we eat when what we need is sleep?"
For me the answer is way too often. Funny how we have the energy to find food when we can't muster up enough to do anything else. The busyness of our lives is a huge factor in our obsession with food. We know we have to eat and so we make time for that, and when we are tired food keeps us going. I have enough proof in my life of this that I could destroy any evidence brought against me. I can tell you I have never read a diet book that tells you lack of sleep is a contributing factor to weight gain. And I have no less than 10 books on dieting in my house right now. Add to that my experience with Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Topps, Dr. Atkins, fasting, Sommersizing, and so many more quick fix methods I can't count or remember them all. Not once did anyone tell me my tiredness was a factor in my overeating. How rude.
It is remarkable to me what one can discover with prayer and thought. I was asking God to show me what to write this morning and He did. I need to get more rest. I have a not enough sleep problem, not a weight problem. Hello! I'm smart enough to know it's not the whole answer but I wasn't smart enough to see that it was part of the answer. I'm really so surprised I missed that for so long. My baby sister always wanted food when she got tired. When she was young you never heard her say she was tired, always hungry. We knew she was tired but she denied it and insisted that food was what she needed. My mom would tell her, you are not hungry you are tired, and she would persist, she ate and then had the energy to keep going.
Boy I'm slow to figure things out sometimes.
I wonder how people would act if they had enough sleep. I wonder if any of us would be fat. When we went to Europe one of the things that impressed me the most, in the smaller cities, was how store owners shut their stores in the middle of the afternoon to go home for a sleep. I couldn't beleive that they would just shut the doors and miss all that business. Am I a North American or what? The other thing I noticed was that they were not overweight, they did two things different than us. They walked to work and they went home in the afternoon for a nap. Let me tell you they were not slim because of what they ate, those Europeans know how to eat and they eat well. All the foods we are told to avoid, icre cream, gelato, cheeses, french fries dipped in mayonase, breads, pastas and pastries like I have never had before. I credited that to walking everywhere...turns out I missed a part. Rest.
I need to remember that when I get tired I don't need food. I need to recognize when I am tired and I need to rest. They say that knowing what your problem is is crucial to solving it. So I hope that this little insight helps me, and you, to recognize the difference between hunger and lack of sleep.
I think it's ironic that we feel heavy when we are tired and then eat, that is what I call being weighed down. I should have "laid" down.
Pardon the pun.
Have a wonderful and blessed day.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Unconditional Love
Last night I went to bed thinking about God's unconditional love and I was reminded, as I thought about how that relates to my blog, of my husbands unconditional love for me, no matter what I weigh. I can honestly tell you that my husband has never said a bad word to me about my weight. He thinks, God bless his heart, that I'm not fat. He has actually said that. Remarkable I know. I have to confess that I'm the one in our relationship who likes to point out flaws. I wish I didn't but I notice everything about everyone. Someone cuts their hair, I notice. Loses weight, I notice. Gains weight, I notice. Has a stain on their shirt, I'm shouting it out. Got a peice of lint on their jacket, I'm resisting the temptation to pick it off, some strangers don't appreciate that. For the record, I do. I notice every little change in everyone and I have no shut off switch, I have learned to shut my mouth when it's inappropriate. I make it my goal to express the positive.
Todays question: "What does unconditional love mean to you?"
I smiled and let out an elated sigh as I drifted off to sleep considering that my husband is a good example of God's unconditional love. He truly loves me for who I am, he sees only the good, forgets the bad and makes me feel so special. He's not perfect but news flash, he didn't marry perfect. We are however, perfect for each other. And trust me it's taken years, 30 to be exact to get to this place and we'll still be perfecting our marriage when we die. I can tell you that I beleive marriage is to be a reflection of who God is, and I've spent many days wondering how that could happen. Especially knowing who we both are. I can also tell you that I see glimpses of God's glory in us from time to time and that inspires me to press on.
I really believe that if we could just grasp how very much God loves us, understanding that it is not dependant on what we do or don't do, we would be so much happier. We all need to depend entirely on what He has done already. Loved us, unconditionally in spite of who He knows we are. And that is remarkabe because I know who I really am, and I can tell you there are days when I don't even like myself, never mind love myself. I continue in this journey to lose fifty one pounds because I made a committment, to myself and to you. God continues to love us because He made a committment to love us. He's so much better at loving than I am.
I pray that today you would consider how completely loved you are. God is so not concerned with the things we think we need to do to please Him. He is pleased with us already. I strive to change because He loves me so much it compels me to do better, I'm not striving to gain His love or approval, I already have both thanks to Jesus.
I absolutely love being loved...."Unconditionally."
Be blessed with a wonderful day.
Todays question: "What does unconditional love mean to you?"
I smiled and let out an elated sigh as I drifted off to sleep considering that my husband is a good example of God's unconditional love. He truly loves me for who I am, he sees only the good, forgets the bad and makes me feel so special. He's not perfect but news flash, he didn't marry perfect. We are however, perfect for each other. And trust me it's taken years, 30 to be exact to get to this place and we'll still be perfecting our marriage when we die. I can tell you that I beleive marriage is to be a reflection of who God is, and I've spent many days wondering how that could happen. Especially knowing who we both are. I can also tell you that I see glimpses of God's glory in us from time to time and that inspires me to press on.
I really believe that if we could just grasp how very much God loves us, understanding that it is not dependant on what we do or don't do, we would be so much happier. We all need to depend entirely on what He has done already. Loved us, unconditionally in spite of who He knows we are. And that is remarkabe because I know who I really am, and I can tell you there are days when I don't even like myself, never mind love myself. I continue in this journey to lose fifty one pounds because I made a committment, to myself and to you. God continues to love us because He made a committment to love us. He's so much better at loving than I am.
I pray that today you would consider how completely loved you are. God is so not concerned with the things we think we need to do to please Him. He is pleased with us already. I strive to change because He loves me so much it compels me to do better, I'm not striving to gain His love or approval, I already have both thanks to Jesus.
I absolutely love being loved...."Unconditionally."
Be blessed with a wonderful day.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Date Nights
My husband and I try to have a date night every Friday, it was something we worked hard to do when the kids were home and it made no sense to stop when they grew up? One of my favorite two words are "eat" and "out". Especially when they are put together. I'm also very fond of the word combinations, take-out, order in and we deliver. Now that I'm on a roll, "fast food" is a mighty combination as well. I love it when someone else does the cooking. I don't hate cooking, I just don't love it. Getting a break from cooking is a huge blessing to me.
Today's question; "How do you keep yourself from over eating when someone else does the cooking?"
That may seem like a simple question, and it should have a simple answer but for me, eating out has always been a time for over indulgence. For some reason, in my brain, if someone else is cooking I should eat until I'm full. I may have some chinese heritage I'm unaware of because I think it's totally rude to leave food on your plate. If I'm paying for it I want my money's worth and that is very North American. I also expect food that tastes good and 95% of the time it does. And that adds to my struggle to only eat until I'm satisfied and then stop. Sometimes I feel like a hamster running on a wheel to nowhere when it comes to food.
I don't have the whole answer to today's question, but last night I found a peice of it. I slowed down and thought about how much I wanted and what I wanted. I don't slow down often and I think that is why so many of us eat way too much. We rush through so many things because we have so many things to get done. I have to start asking myself if I have a minute to enjoy what I'm eating. I always have a minute for an unexpected call from a friend. I always have a minute to chat when I run into someone, I always have a minute to watch a TV show I like, ok several minutes, ok sometimes an hour. I make time for the things I really enjoy, and although I truly enjoy food, I race through a meal like a group of kids dashing for the candy once the pinata has burst.
I am discovering that weight lose isn't a battle against food for me, it's a battle against my mind. I' racing to lose the weight in the same way I eat a meal. I want to race through the feelings I'm having so I don't have to feel them.
I am going to work harder to slow down, and although that shouldn't make sense it does because the slowing down applies to my physical actions, the hard work is teaching my brain to follow. I enjoyed last nights dinner because I slowed down, didn't eat what I didn't like and didn't eat too much of what I did. And here's a word combination I'm not used to using at a restaraunt..."to go" please.
Have a wonderful and blessed day.
Today's question; "How do you keep yourself from over eating when someone else does the cooking?"
That may seem like a simple question, and it should have a simple answer but for me, eating out has always been a time for over indulgence. For some reason, in my brain, if someone else is cooking I should eat until I'm full. I may have some chinese heritage I'm unaware of because I think it's totally rude to leave food on your plate. If I'm paying for it I want my money's worth and that is very North American. I also expect food that tastes good and 95% of the time it does. And that adds to my struggle to only eat until I'm satisfied and then stop. Sometimes I feel like a hamster running on a wheel to nowhere when it comes to food.
I don't have the whole answer to today's question, but last night I found a peice of it. I slowed down and thought about how much I wanted and what I wanted. I don't slow down often and I think that is why so many of us eat way too much. We rush through so many things because we have so many things to get done. I have to start asking myself if I have a minute to enjoy what I'm eating. I always have a minute for an unexpected call from a friend. I always have a minute to chat when I run into someone, I always have a minute to watch a TV show I like, ok several minutes, ok sometimes an hour. I make time for the things I really enjoy, and although I truly enjoy food, I race through a meal like a group of kids dashing for the candy once the pinata has burst.
I am discovering that weight lose isn't a battle against food for me, it's a battle against my mind. I' racing to lose the weight in the same way I eat a meal. I want to race through the feelings I'm having so I don't have to feel them.
I am going to work harder to slow down, and although that shouldn't make sense it does because the slowing down applies to my physical actions, the hard work is teaching my brain to follow. I enjoyed last nights dinner because I slowed down, didn't eat what I didn't like and didn't eat too much of what I did. And here's a word combination I'm not used to using at a restaraunt..."to go" please.
Have a wonderful and blessed day.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Triggers
Yesterday was a busy day, but it was a good day. I'm surprised by the things that sneak up on you in a day and even more surprised that I recognized what was happening. The busyness of the day was starting to get to me and when I came home from dropping my son and his wife off at the airport I found myself in the kitchen. Surprising,? Not really. I was at the fridge door, I'd already scoped out the pantry and I was looking for something, I wasn't hungry, but I was looking. It was an out of body experience because when I came to my senses all those years of training informed me that I had been triggered.
Today's questions; "What is an emotional trigger?"
These little darlings are the things that set us off, send us down a road we don't always want to travel on. My trigger was Gordon and Chantel going away. I realized as I stood at the fridge that I needed to shut the fridge door and slowly step away. I put my hands on the counter to brace myself for the things that were entereing my brain, I had been hoping for something to enter my mouth. I wanted to eat the second I walked in the door. I wanted to fill the void they left with food.
I realize these are grown children, married, have their own home and vacationing is normal. Triggers don't always make sense. You see a trigger usually has deeper meaning. If we are willing to look at it we can track it's source and our brain will usually refire. My trigger is my children going away and it always has been. I hated when they went back to school, I didn't like it when they stayed at a freinds for the weekend, I'd cry when they went on school trips, missionary trips, and holidays without me as they got older, the list goes on. Please know I never held them back, I just missed them horribly. And at the same time, I was determined to let them grow and find their independence. When they got married and moved out, sad momma. And so happy at the same time because they married beautiful people who love them so much. I told you triggers don't always make sense.
So how did I handle my trigger. I stared it down, I looked at it and I knew that it was my choice to feed it or not. I chose not and I "felt it" instead. It said, "You are remembering that your kids are grown and gone." And I said, I'll have a carmel sunday loaded with nuts please." No I didn't, I reminded myself that I was okay. It was alright to miss my kids and food would not change that fact. I'd feel full granted, but I'd still be missing my kids, and then I'd have to blog about my failure. Add to that a good dose of mad at myself and you can see why I chose to feel instead of feed.
I don't want to leave you with the impression that triggers are always bad, they are not. It was a trigger that enabled me to recognize what was happening. Apparently I learned something in school because I heard my counseling professors voice saying, "Ask yourself what's really going on inside." And that question triggered my brains search for the answer.
It's remarkable to me what we will hear if we listen. In the past I've been able to drown out those voices with crunchy potato chips. Apparently I'm ready to listen.
Be blessed with a wonderful day.
Today's questions; "What is an emotional trigger?"
These little darlings are the things that set us off, send us down a road we don't always want to travel on. My trigger was Gordon and Chantel going away. I realized as I stood at the fridge that I needed to shut the fridge door and slowly step away. I put my hands on the counter to brace myself for the things that were entereing my brain, I had been hoping for something to enter my mouth. I wanted to eat the second I walked in the door. I wanted to fill the void they left with food.
I realize these are grown children, married, have their own home and vacationing is normal. Triggers don't always make sense. You see a trigger usually has deeper meaning. If we are willing to look at it we can track it's source and our brain will usually refire. My trigger is my children going away and it always has been. I hated when they went back to school, I didn't like it when they stayed at a freinds for the weekend, I'd cry when they went on school trips, missionary trips, and holidays without me as they got older, the list goes on. Please know I never held them back, I just missed them horribly. And at the same time, I was determined to let them grow and find their independence. When they got married and moved out, sad momma. And so happy at the same time because they married beautiful people who love them so much. I told you triggers don't always make sense.
So how did I handle my trigger. I stared it down, I looked at it and I knew that it was my choice to feed it or not. I chose not and I "felt it" instead. It said, "You are remembering that your kids are grown and gone." And I said, I'll have a carmel sunday loaded with nuts please." No I didn't, I reminded myself that I was okay. It was alright to miss my kids and food would not change that fact. I'd feel full granted, but I'd still be missing my kids, and then I'd have to blog about my failure. Add to that a good dose of mad at myself and you can see why I chose to feel instead of feed.
I don't want to leave you with the impression that triggers are always bad, they are not. It was a trigger that enabled me to recognize what was happening. Apparently I learned something in school because I heard my counseling professors voice saying, "Ask yourself what's really going on inside." And that question triggered my brains search for the answer.
It's remarkable to me what we will hear if we listen. In the past I've been able to drown out those voices with crunchy potato chips. Apparently I'm ready to listen.
Be blessed with a wonderful day.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
French Fries for Supper
In spite of today's title my friends I am down a pound. Yipee. It's so good to see the scale move in the downward direction as opposed to up. I admit when it goes down I feel a little oh oh, hoping that what goes down does not come up.
I have to tell you that eating what I want and having nothing that is off limits is the key to weight lose success, at least for me. I no longer think about what I can't have and that for a person like myself, who likes to be in control of everything, yes I admitted it, is so liberating. I have spent the last 30 some years telling myself you can't have this, and then eating it anyway, you shouldn't eat that, and then thinking about it constantly, feeling deprived because whatever they tell me I can't have is exactly what I want. So now if I want to eat french fries for dinner I will. Surprise, surprise, I don't want them for dinner often and I only had them because being a lacto ovo fish eating vegetarian, can sometimes mean french fries are the only choice I have. So french fries for supper are not always a bad thing.
Now for those who may be thinking, oh she's a vegetarian, that's why she'll lose the weight easier than me. Nice try, I've been a veg for a while and I've managed to maintain my overweight status quite well thank you. I spent a year eating only fruit and vegetables and still managed to hold onto my fat. My point, if you overeat it does not matter what you are eating. The only reason, outside of health issues, for being overweight is overeating. I need you to know that I spent a lot of time comparing how much I ate to others and feeling like I should be slim.
Today's question; "Why do some people get away with eating so much?"
Answer, we are all different. I had to accept the fact that I ate less than many of my thin friends and family members. My reality, this body was designed for starvation prevention and fat retention. That's what my body does best. So, I have to work with what I have, the body God gave me. Now that I'm eating whatever I want I'm not bothered by what anyone else is doing. I simply think about my choices and then I eat them. So if it's french fries for supper, wonderful. Let me add that I went to bed a little hungry, french fries are not satisfying for any length of time. In the past I would have had another meal because I felt a little hungry. Remember I'm learning from my son-in-law, it's ok to be hungry every once in a while. I'm still shocked when I survive the night, but so far so good.
I'm so glad that I am no longer living by a list of can haves and can'ts. I now make choices I've actually thought about, and once I've made my decision I enjoy my choice. I no longer eat meals I don't like because they will help me lose weight. Like salads without dressing for example. I get my dressing on the side but baby... I'm having dressing.
I eat ...."all things in moderation." Gods plan for eating. Brilliant.
Have a wonderful and blessed day.
I have to tell you that eating what I want and having nothing that is off limits is the key to weight lose success, at least for me. I no longer think about what I can't have and that for a person like myself, who likes to be in control of everything, yes I admitted it, is so liberating. I have spent the last 30 some years telling myself you can't have this, and then eating it anyway, you shouldn't eat that, and then thinking about it constantly, feeling deprived because whatever they tell me I can't have is exactly what I want. So now if I want to eat french fries for dinner I will. Surprise, surprise, I don't want them for dinner often and I only had them because being a lacto ovo fish eating vegetarian, can sometimes mean french fries are the only choice I have. So french fries for supper are not always a bad thing.
Now for those who may be thinking, oh she's a vegetarian, that's why she'll lose the weight easier than me. Nice try, I've been a veg for a while and I've managed to maintain my overweight status quite well thank you. I spent a year eating only fruit and vegetables and still managed to hold onto my fat. My point, if you overeat it does not matter what you are eating. The only reason, outside of health issues, for being overweight is overeating. I need you to know that I spent a lot of time comparing how much I ate to others and feeling like I should be slim.
Today's question; "Why do some people get away with eating so much?"
Answer, we are all different. I had to accept the fact that I ate less than many of my thin friends and family members. My reality, this body was designed for starvation prevention and fat retention. That's what my body does best. So, I have to work with what I have, the body God gave me. Now that I'm eating whatever I want I'm not bothered by what anyone else is doing. I simply think about my choices and then I eat them. So if it's french fries for supper, wonderful. Let me add that I went to bed a little hungry, french fries are not satisfying for any length of time. In the past I would have had another meal because I felt a little hungry. Remember I'm learning from my son-in-law, it's ok to be hungry every once in a while. I'm still shocked when I survive the night, but so far so good.
I'm so glad that I am no longer living by a list of can haves and can'ts. I now make choices I've actually thought about, and once I've made my decision I enjoy my choice. I no longer eat meals I don't like because they will help me lose weight. Like salads without dressing for example. I get my dressing on the side but baby... I'm having dressing.
I eat ...."all things in moderation." Gods plan for eating. Brilliant.
Have a wonderful and blessed day.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
The Tortise and the Hare
It is becoming apparent that I am the tortise and not the hare on this journey. I'm sitting in the same place again waiting for that rascally "wabbit" to stop telling me how slow I'm going. No change in my weight I'm still down six pounds with 45 pounds to go. For the first time in my life I'm not concerned about how long it will take to lose this weight because I am actually enjoying the processs. And that leads wonderfully into today's question...
"Why on earth would I be enjoying a process that means I have to give up over eating?"
The answer is twofold. I feel so connencted and aware of my weight because I am accountable to you, as well as to myself. I'm so surprised by how much I love sharing my story with you and as I've watched this blog go from no page visits to 230, I feel so inspired. Thank you so much for walking with me.
The second reason, I'm done with the over's. That's a new word. I sit here thinking of all the over's and how they sound like fun, seem to be a good thing but in reality every over has left me feeling very bad about my behaviour. Over eating leads to guilty feelings, mental and physical strain. Over spending, add the previous plus an upset husband or credit card company. Over cooking makes the food lose it's taste. Over thinking causes headaches. Over stating irritates people so I'll stop now. You get the point.
My family went out last night to celebrate my baby boys 23rd year. Children are such a blessing. We went to the Keg Steakhouse and it was yummy. They always bring bread to the table and in the past I've always eaten my share. Last night I had a little crust. I ordered a healthy meal and ate until I was compfortable and then stopped. I'm so used to feeling guilty after I eat out so when I got into my car I was ready for the onslaught of negative thoughts. I was about to let them go when I realized, I didn't overeat. I didn't do anything wrong. I was shocked, but not so much I couldn't drive home. I felt liberated. I could eat out and not surrender to the over's. I could celebrate one of the best days of my life and not reward myself with over indulgence and all the bad feelings that would normally follow. Funny how we think food is a reward and then spend the night beating ourselves up because we eat too much. I don't blame food, I'm glad it tastes good. I blame myself for surrendering to the over's.
I like wabbits, but when it comes to weight lose I'd rather be a tortise. It is true what they, slow and steady does win the race. I think that tortise may have been the inspiration for the olympians "personal best" statement as well. His race was about him, ours should be too. Change that happens quickly usually does not last, change that happens over time sets in and pretty soon abnormal begins to feel normal. That's my goal to make eating right, with no overs, my normal.
Have a wonderful and blessed day.
"Why on earth would I be enjoying a process that means I have to give up over eating?"
The answer is twofold. I feel so connencted and aware of my weight because I am accountable to you, as well as to myself. I'm so surprised by how much I love sharing my story with you and as I've watched this blog go from no page visits to 230, I feel so inspired. Thank you so much for walking with me.
The second reason, I'm done with the over's. That's a new word. I sit here thinking of all the over's and how they sound like fun, seem to be a good thing but in reality every over has left me feeling very bad about my behaviour. Over eating leads to guilty feelings, mental and physical strain. Over spending, add the previous plus an upset husband or credit card company. Over cooking makes the food lose it's taste. Over thinking causes headaches. Over stating irritates people so I'll stop now. You get the point.
My family went out last night to celebrate my baby boys 23rd year. Children are such a blessing. We went to the Keg Steakhouse and it was yummy. They always bring bread to the table and in the past I've always eaten my share. Last night I had a little crust. I ordered a healthy meal and ate until I was compfortable and then stopped. I'm so used to feeling guilty after I eat out so when I got into my car I was ready for the onslaught of negative thoughts. I was about to let them go when I realized, I didn't overeat. I didn't do anything wrong. I was shocked, but not so much I couldn't drive home. I felt liberated. I could eat out and not surrender to the over's. I could celebrate one of the best days of my life and not reward myself with over indulgence and all the bad feelings that would normally follow. Funny how we think food is a reward and then spend the night beating ourselves up because we eat too much. I don't blame food, I'm glad it tastes good. I blame myself for surrendering to the over's.
I like wabbits, but when it comes to weight lose I'd rather be a tortise. It is true what they, slow and steady does win the race. I think that tortise may have been the inspiration for the olympians "personal best" statement as well. His race was about him, ours should be too. Change that happens quickly usually does not last, change that happens over time sets in and pretty soon abnormal begins to feel normal. That's my goal to make eating right, with no overs, my normal.
Have a wonderful and blessed day.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
The Same Change
I was wondering this morning why some things are the same and yet they change. Doesn't make sense to me but since I'm feeling it I know it happens. I weighed this morning and I'm the same. No lose, no gain. I'm totally fine with that but I'm trying to figure out why I feel changed. That led me to...
Today's question; "Why do I feel so different when the scale says I weigh the same?"
The only answer I can come up with is that my body is changing whether the scale says so or not. My clothes are fitting better, everything feels looser and I feel lighter. I have not had that heavy feeling since I started this process fifteen days ago. I do not miss that heavy feeling one bit. I'm not asking my husband to carry me up the stairs at this point, I haven't shut my brain off. I'm just surprised by how good I feel and I think that is the result of my actions.
I have often heard the expression, actions speak louder than words, I think at fifty one I'm finally understanding that in a new way. I have taken action in a lifelong battle, less some childhood years, and I feel empowered by this decision to change the way I see food. I had a love hate relationship with food, completely one sided, the food neither loved nor hated me. How rude. Now I see food as a means to fuel my body in a healthy way, I see food as necessary and a blessing, I'm no longer serving it.
I used to have a little post it note on my fridge that read, "A person is a slave to whatever has mastered him."
Food was my master, I thought about my next meal while I was eating breakfast, lunch or dinner. I thought about the snacks I could have along the way. I thought about what I should eat, what I shouldn't eat and I was hungry most of the time. Not surprising that I wanted to eat all day. I added thoughts of food to my every activity. Movie, popcorn. The mall, some wonderful snack. Family visits, tons of food. Friend visits, nice snack. Roadtrip, junk in abundance. Rode my bike or went for a walk, stopped at the store to buy a treat for exercising. Came home, straight to the fridge. Leaving home, may need a snack. Ridiculous, and in my defense I was raised that way. My parents lived through a recession.
So now I feel like I'm putting food in it's proper place, its not going anywhere, unless I bring it. That means it's okay I can relax, just breahte. And I think that is why I feel so much different when Mr. Scale says I'm the same. My body may not be as little as I feel, my stomach is probaby not as flat as I think it is in the morning. I'm almost certain people are not looking at me thinking, my she's slim. Ok I'm certain. I weigh the same but I know I've changed. I'm discovering that my thoughts are powerful.
Have a wonderful and blessed day.
Today's question; "Why do I feel so different when the scale says I weigh the same?"
The only answer I can come up with is that my body is changing whether the scale says so or not. My clothes are fitting better, everything feels looser and I feel lighter. I have not had that heavy feeling since I started this process fifteen days ago. I do not miss that heavy feeling one bit. I'm not asking my husband to carry me up the stairs at this point, I haven't shut my brain off. I'm just surprised by how good I feel and I think that is the result of my actions.
I have often heard the expression, actions speak louder than words, I think at fifty one I'm finally understanding that in a new way. I have taken action in a lifelong battle, less some childhood years, and I feel empowered by this decision to change the way I see food. I had a love hate relationship with food, completely one sided, the food neither loved nor hated me. How rude. Now I see food as a means to fuel my body in a healthy way, I see food as necessary and a blessing, I'm no longer serving it.
I used to have a little post it note on my fridge that read, "A person is a slave to whatever has mastered him."
Food was my master, I thought about my next meal while I was eating breakfast, lunch or dinner. I thought about the snacks I could have along the way. I thought about what I should eat, what I shouldn't eat and I was hungry most of the time. Not surprising that I wanted to eat all day. I added thoughts of food to my every activity. Movie, popcorn. The mall, some wonderful snack. Family visits, tons of food. Friend visits, nice snack. Roadtrip, junk in abundance. Rode my bike or went for a walk, stopped at the store to buy a treat for exercising. Came home, straight to the fridge. Leaving home, may need a snack. Ridiculous, and in my defense I was raised that way. My parents lived through a recession.
So now I feel like I'm putting food in it's proper place, its not going anywhere, unless I bring it. That means it's okay I can relax, just breahte. And I think that is why I feel so much different when Mr. Scale says I'm the same. My body may not be as little as I feel, my stomach is probaby not as flat as I think it is in the morning. I'm almost certain people are not looking at me thinking, my she's slim. Ok I'm certain. I weigh the same but I know I've changed. I'm discovering that my thoughts are powerful.
Have a wonderful and blessed day.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Justice
Okay, feeling so much better this morning...the pound is gone and I'm happy...not that I was sad...more mad. Not at myself of course, at the scale. I love to blame inanimate objects, much easier than blaming myself. I learned something from my two pound gain, honesty is still the best policy. When you are honest the rewards come, maybe slower but they still come. Today the scale stopped being such a liar and told the truth, I'm actually down a pound and a half...but I"m not counting halves, I'm taking the pound. I'll use the other half tomorrow.
Question of the day; "Why is today's title "justice".
Because justice is seeing the result you should for the actions you've taken. At least to me. I didn't go crazy and fall of the wagon, I think my friend Joelle is right, water weight was the cause and today I've been justified. Which led me to justice. My favorite definition is "fairness". Second only to the description of God as just.
I'm taking the actions that are necessary and I'm seeing the results I should. I need to remember that on the days when the scale does not match my actions, it's temporal. Nothing permanent and can be changed. Tomorow is another day as today proved. You may need to read that again. I feel like Mr. Scale has been served and justice has prevailed.
I need to stay focused, continue in my committment to this process of losing fifty one pounds. I must not let a little injustice cause me to forget that justice can sometimes take time to arrive.
Patience may be tomorrows topic...time will tell.
Be blessed with a wonderful day.
Question of the day; "Why is today's title "justice".
Because justice is seeing the result you should for the actions you've taken. At least to me. I didn't go crazy and fall of the wagon, I think my friend Joelle is right, water weight was the cause and today I've been justified. Which led me to justice. My favorite definition is "fairness". Second only to the description of God as just.
I'm taking the actions that are necessary and I'm seeing the results I should. I need to remember that on the days when the scale does not match my actions, it's temporal. Nothing permanent and can be changed. Tomorow is another day as today proved. You may need to read that again. I feel like Mr. Scale has been served and justice has prevailed.
I need to stay focused, continue in my committment to this process of losing fifty one pounds. I must not let a little injustice cause me to forget that justice can sometimes take time to arrive.
Patience may be tomorrows topic...time will tell.
Be blessed with a wonderful day.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Honestly
So day thirteen and I'm not liking what the scale says this morning. Up two pounds and I say what the heck. I knew this day would come but I was hoping it would come in a couple months. Not one day short of two weeks. I was tempted to forget about blogging this morning. I was thinking it's Sunday morning, I deserve a day of rest from blogging. Sounds logical until you consider that if I was down two pounds I'd be typing faster than a speeding bullet so I could post...or should I say boast. Yikes.
I wish that I could tell you I ate a box of chocolate covered almonds or a loaf of homemade bread but I didn't. I had a realtively normal day, did eat some cheese and my husband made a yummy supper. Didn't get stuffed at any point, didn't feel like I had a bad day at all. So why the gain? Not 100% sure but maybe it has to do with the title, honestly. Which leads wonderfully to today's question;
"Is it dishonest to only be honest when it makes you look good?"
Answer; yes. Rats, so not the answer I was hoping for. Double rats, so true. Writing my blog on the days when I'm down, so easy, writing on the days I stay the same, still easy. Writing when I up, not so easy. I knew that if I didn't write and gave you some wonderful reason tomorrow you'd think nothing of it. But inside I knew that if I wasn't honest through this process I would fail. And failure is not an option. I felt a little angry at you all this morning when I weighed 5 times, adjusted the scale to be certain it was right on that zero line, then weighed two more times. Why couldn't I manipulate that thing this morning? Why was I angry at you? Because I didn't think my gaining weight was any of your business, funny how I was instantly reminded that I made it your business when I went public and started this blog. I want your praise when I do well and I want you in the dark when I don't. Oh sometimes I'm so human. Forgive me please, I commit to honestly report my weight good or bad, up or down until this fifty one year old loses her fifty one pounds.
I am a work in process, I am an imperfect person waiting for Jesus to perfect me. Working with him and discovering that He moves so much more efficiently than I do. I can do this on the good days and I can do it on the not so good ones as long as I remember that no matter what, God is for me. And if God is for me who can be against me? Well, honestly it's usuallly me whose against me and honestly I need to stop that.
Have a wonderful day and be so blessed...honestly.
I wish that I could tell you I ate a box of chocolate covered almonds or a loaf of homemade bread but I didn't. I had a realtively normal day, did eat some cheese and my husband made a yummy supper. Didn't get stuffed at any point, didn't feel like I had a bad day at all. So why the gain? Not 100% sure but maybe it has to do with the title, honestly. Which leads wonderfully to today's question;
"Is it dishonest to only be honest when it makes you look good?"
Answer; yes. Rats, so not the answer I was hoping for. Double rats, so true. Writing my blog on the days when I'm down, so easy, writing on the days I stay the same, still easy. Writing when I up, not so easy. I knew that if I didn't write and gave you some wonderful reason tomorrow you'd think nothing of it. But inside I knew that if I wasn't honest through this process I would fail. And failure is not an option. I felt a little angry at you all this morning when I weighed 5 times, adjusted the scale to be certain it was right on that zero line, then weighed two more times. Why couldn't I manipulate that thing this morning? Why was I angry at you? Because I didn't think my gaining weight was any of your business, funny how I was instantly reminded that I made it your business when I went public and started this blog. I want your praise when I do well and I want you in the dark when I don't. Oh sometimes I'm so human. Forgive me please, I commit to honestly report my weight good or bad, up or down until this fifty one year old loses her fifty one pounds.
I am a work in process, I am an imperfect person waiting for Jesus to perfect me. Working with him and discovering that He moves so much more efficiently than I do. I can do this on the good days and I can do it on the not so good ones as long as I remember that no matter what, God is for me. And if God is for me who can be against me? Well, honestly it's usuallly me whose against me and honestly I need to stop that.
Have a wonderful day and be so blessed...honestly.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Seven Pounds
Down another pound today! I could get used to this but I know it can't last so I'm just going to enjoy day two of down a pound. It wouldn't be prudent to expect a pound a day lose and yet my mind goes a wondering, daring to beleive if only for a moment that a person could lose a pound a day. Wouldn't that be grand, adding of course that you'd still want to be in good health.
Question of the day; "Have you ever noticed how easy it is to get used to something?"
I have and on so many levels. Life is a series of things we need to get used to, some we embrace and some we'd love to run from. About the only time I want to run is when I'm in an unpleasant situation, I'm sure I'd drive, but running is what I think about first. Does that make me an athelete? My first instinct when I felt to start blogging about my weight was flight, the more I thought about it the more I decided fight was the better choice. I have spent years getting used to the way I look, I've accepted it and as I've said before it never stopped me from doing anything I really wanted to. But, I knew that what I was doing wasn't good for me. I got used to feeling stiff. I got used to being out of shape and I got used to having low energy. I even got used to shopping at the fat lady store. Yep, I was glad I could still be stylish. Please don't get me wrong I'm not insulting anyone who shops at those stores, I still go. But I do remember the first time I went into one, I felt small. Not what you expected me to say is it? You see my size has never gone beyond a sixteen, although certain shirts have had to be size eighteen. I have what my daughter calls a rack. I also have no ghetto bootie, another term Tessa has taught me. So I'd be buying the smallest pants they carried and the smaller shirts. In that store I felt abnormal, just like I did at Banana Republic trying to find something that fit. The difference, one store made me feel good about my abnormality and the other one frustrated me. I got used to both.
My point, we adapt and adjust, that's a good thing. I needed to take a good honest look at what I was doing to my body. I needed to make a decision that would define my quality of life as I age. The abuse that I was inflicting on myself had to stop. I cannot realistically expect to live my life to the "fullest" and be overflowing out the top of my jeans. I needed to adjust to eating less and I can tell you that I'm on day twelve and it keeps getting easier. I have adjusted to eating less without freaking out...who knew? I have only come close to feeling full a couple of times and I was strangely uncomfortable with even a hint of that feeling. I didn't like it...shocking to say the least. I have gotten used to eating less.
I'm living proof that humans can adjust to anything on so many levels. I know that you could get used to and adapt to the changes you need to make in your lives as well. Weight is certainly not the only thing I need to change.
Be blessed with a wonderful day.
Question of the day; "Have you ever noticed how easy it is to get used to something?"
I have and on so many levels. Life is a series of things we need to get used to, some we embrace and some we'd love to run from. About the only time I want to run is when I'm in an unpleasant situation, I'm sure I'd drive, but running is what I think about first. Does that make me an athelete? My first instinct when I felt to start blogging about my weight was flight, the more I thought about it the more I decided fight was the better choice. I have spent years getting used to the way I look, I've accepted it and as I've said before it never stopped me from doing anything I really wanted to. But, I knew that what I was doing wasn't good for me. I got used to feeling stiff. I got used to being out of shape and I got used to having low energy. I even got used to shopping at the fat lady store. Yep, I was glad I could still be stylish. Please don't get me wrong I'm not insulting anyone who shops at those stores, I still go. But I do remember the first time I went into one, I felt small. Not what you expected me to say is it? You see my size has never gone beyond a sixteen, although certain shirts have had to be size eighteen. I have what my daughter calls a rack. I also have no ghetto bootie, another term Tessa has taught me. So I'd be buying the smallest pants they carried and the smaller shirts. In that store I felt abnormal, just like I did at Banana Republic trying to find something that fit. The difference, one store made me feel good about my abnormality and the other one frustrated me. I got used to both.
My point, we adapt and adjust, that's a good thing. I needed to take a good honest look at what I was doing to my body. I needed to make a decision that would define my quality of life as I age. The abuse that I was inflicting on myself had to stop. I cannot realistically expect to live my life to the "fullest" and be overflowing out the top of my jeans. I needed to adjust to eating less and I can tell you that I'm on day twelve and it keeps getting easier. I have adjusted to eating less without freaking out...who knew? I have only come close to feeling full a couple of times and I was strangely uncomfortable with even a hint of that feeling. I didn't like it...shocking to say the least. I have gotten used to eating less.
I'm living proof that humans can adjust to anything on so many levels. I know that you could get used to and adapt to the changes you need to make in your lives as well. Weight is certainly not the only thing I need to change.
Be blessed with a wonderful day.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Mid-Afternoon Reflection
It's taking me way longer than normal to write today. Seemed to be a blank slate this morning, not sure why. I'm finding more strength as each day passes and I'm amazed at my ability to stop. That's it...just stop. Don't eat that, or don't overeat that. I'm making better choices and feeling so much better for it. I'm seeing the scale slowly moving downward and I think that's good. I know in my head that losing weight slow is best, but my flesh is set to instant results. I'm changing the setting.
Question of the day; "Can a person change their eating habits after 35 plus years?"
I feel like the answer is yes. I feel like I could change anything I don't like about myself lately. I'm understanding how willing God is to help if I'm truly willing to change. I thought I wanted to change in the past, I've begged for God's help on many occassions. The difference is so simple it's ridiculous, I mean it this time. I'm done. Whatever it takes and no matter how long it takes I am going to make better choices. I'm hoping that this choice to eat better and slim down will spill over into all aspects of my life. I'm ready to work on me. My kids are doing great, my marriage is a huge blessing to me, my freinds are amazing and I am able to work at the things I love. It's time...
I will never be a person who thinks it "all about me" or "I'm number one" and I never want to be. But I am finally starting to understand that it's okay to take care of me. It's okay to respect, honor and love myself. I no longer feel like I have to please everyone else in order to be significant. I can bless others and thank God I can bless myself as well. Boy I wish I'd have learned this years ago...but...I had to try all the stupid things first so I'd appreciate and truly grasp what I have now.
And what do I have now? Peace. It's going to be okay, no matter what life brings my way it's okay. I've been so surprised by what I can endure and God has never left me in any struggle. Peace that passes my understanding is the greatest gift.
I pray you all have peace knowing that no matter what you are going through God is working on your behalf. You probably have no idea what He's doing and you don't need to. Just be at peace, He's making a way.
Be blessed with a wonderful day.
Question of the day; "Can a person change their eating habits after 35 plus years?"
I feel like the answer is yes. I feel like I could change anything I don't like about myself lately. I'm understanding how willing God is to help if I'm truly willing to change. I thought I wanted to change in the past, I've begged for God's help on many occassions. The difference is so simple it's ridiculous, I mean it this time. I'm done. Whatever it takes and no matter how long it takes I am going to make better choices. I'm hoping that this choice to eat better and slim down will spill over into all aspects of my life. I'm ready to work on me. My kids are doing great, my marriage is a huge blessing to me, my freinds are amazing and I am able to work at the things I love. It's time...
I will never be a person who thinks it "all about me" or "I'm number one" and I never want to be. But I am finally starting to understand that it's okay to take care of me. It's okay to respect, honor and love myself. I no longer feel like I have to please everyone else in order to be significant. I can bless others and thank God I can bless myself as well. Boy I wish I'd have learned this years ago...but...I had to try all the stupid things first so I'd appreciate and truly grasp what I have now.
And what do I have now? Peace. It's going to be okay, no matter what life brings my way it's okay. I've been so surprised by what I can endure and God has never left me in any struggle. Peace that passes my understanding is the greatest gift.
I pray you all have peace knowing that no matter what you are going through God is working on your behalf. You probably have no idea what He's doing and you don't need to. Just be at peace, He's making a way.
Be blessed with a wonderful day.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Convicted in my Absence
Isnt' that a wonderful title? I got a Notice of Conviction in the mail yesterday. I'd gotten a photo radar ticket back in July. Yep, I'm a speeder, I confess. I mean confession should always follow conviction so I knew yesterday I'd have to tell you today. I've been "convicted".
I can't tell you how the sentence that topped my notice impacted me. It read; "This is to advise you that you have been convicted of the following offence in your absence." Seriously that sentence defines my eating habits for the last thirty plus years. "Convicted in my absence." Guilty of not being aware, not paying attention, driving into food at a speed that would impress Mario Andretti. I think that sentence defines so many of us in so many ways. We are absent.
Today's question. How different would our lives be if we were present before the notice of conviction arrived?
I could have saved myself $109.00 if I'd have been present enough to notice the parked vehicle sitting ready to take my picture. Ok, I could have not sped. Details. I could have saved myself years of struggle with food if I'd have been willing to notice that I was absent. Dive in, feel better, feel worse, eat more, feel better, feel worse. You have to be absent at some point to ignore what's going on inside.
There have been times, and I apoligize to my children, that I have been absent when they are speaking to me, I know they are talking to me, I see their lips moving, I know I'm not alone, but I am not aware at all of what they are saying to me. My mind has slipped into a cavern and my body is waiting patiently for my return. I look like I'm listening because I'm still, the posture is right but the mind is gone. I hear the word mom and I return. Okay honey I smile and say, having no clue what I just approved. And once again in less than 24 hours I'm being convicted of my absence. This explains their frustration when they told me later what I said they could do and I assured them I'd never said that. Absent...I'm so glad my kids are grown now and repeat things for me.
My point, we are all guilty of being absent. Problem is we get away with so many things before conviction. I mean lets be honest we all speed. If it's one over or twenty, no difference still speeding, we become aware of the difference when the ticket arrives. I've never met anyone who got a ticket for going one k over the limit. I need to be present when I'm convicted, I need to show up. If I blindly dive into the buffett table I know I'll land in conviction sooner or later. Why not sooner?
We'd all have better freindships, better marriages, happier children, more peaceful lives if we would just show up before conviction. Instead of walking around in guilt over what we should have done, could have done or meant to do, let's strive to walk together. Pay attention...be present. I love it when someone has truly heard what I say, love it when I see understanding in someones eyes, love it when they are truly with me. It feels amazing to be heard and it feels equally as good to hear.
I pray God keep us present and listening so that we are not found guilty in our absence. Give us eyes to see and ears to hear.
Have a wonderful and blessed day.
I can't tell you how the sentence that topped my notice impacted me. It read; "This is to advise you that you have been convicted of the following offence in your absence." Seriously that sentence defines my eating habits for the last thirty plus years. "Convicted in my absence." Guilty of not being aware, not paying attention, driving into food at a speed that would impress Mario Andretti. I think that sentence defines so many of us in so many ways. We are absent.
Today's question. How different would our lives be if we were present before the notice of conviction arrived?
I could have saved myself $109.00 if I'd have been present enough to notice the parked vehicle sitting ready to take my picture. Ok, I could have not sped. Details. I could have saved myself years of struggle with food if I'd have been willing to notice that I was absent. Dive in, feel better, feel worse, eat more, feel better, feel worse. You have to be absent at some point to ignore what's going on inside.
There have been times, and I apoligize to my children, that I have been absent when they are speaking to me, I know they are talking to me, I see their lips moving, I know I'm not alone, but I am not aware at all of what they are saying to me. My mind has slipped into a cavern and my body is waiting patiently for my return. I look like I'm listening because I'm still, the posture is right but the mind is gone. I hear the word mom and I return. Okay honey I smile and say, having no clue what I just approved. And once again in less than 24 hours I'm being convicted of my absence. This explains their frustration when they told me later what I said they could do and I assured them I'd never said that. Absent...I'm so glad my kids are grown now and repeat things for me.
My point, we are all guilty of being absent. Problem is we get away with so many things before conviction. I mean lets be honest we all speed. If it's one over or twenty, no difference still speeding, we become aware of the difference when the ticket arrives. I've never met anyone who got a ticket for going one k over the limit. I need to be present when I'm convicted, I need to show up. If I blindly dive into the buffett table I know I'll land in conviction sooner or later. Why not sooner?
We'd all have better freindships, better marriages, happier children, more peaceful lives if we would just show up before conviction. Instead of walking around in guilt over what we should have done, could have done or meant to do, let's strive to walk together. Pay attention...be present. I love it when someone has truly heard what I say, love it when I see understanding in someones eyes, love it when they are truly with me. It feels amazing to be heard and it feels equally as good to hear.
I pray God keep us present and listening so that we are not found guilty in our absence. Give us eyes to see and ears to hear.
Have a wonderful and blessed day.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Indifferent
I think I will need to pay attention today as I woke up feeling rather indifferent. The word is perfectly described as having no particular interest or concern. Oh dear I thought it's day nine, that can't be good.
I weighed this morning, several times. I was the same weight the first two times, I went downstairs to get my laptop, checked the doors after my husband left and shut some lights out. Came upstairs, set down my laptop weighed again, down a pound. Boy exercise really does make a difference.
So which reading on the scale is right or does it matter? That is today's question.
I think I need to ask you what you think on this one. Should I weigh everyday or should I weigh every couple of days, or should I weigh once a week? What do you think. I'm thinking the scale is causing multiple personality disorder in me. I'm happy when it's down, no wait, I'm nervous when it's down cause tomorrow it may be up. I'm excited to weigh in, no I'm dreading it. I'm scared to look, no I'm scared not to look. I'm mad when it says my weight is the same, no I'm happy I didn't gain. I want to throw the thing in the garbage but I don't want to dig it out later. Yikes! I need help.
It would be impossible for me to know when I'm done if I don't weigh in. Can't measure fifty one pounds without a scale. Also don't want to think I'm doing great only to find out later, as my past has proven, that I've gained. In this area of my life ignorance is "not" bliss.
So to scale or not to scale, that is the question. And then a deeper question comes; "How do you measure success?" I am succeeding on so many levels because there has been a huge shift in my mind, no I did not say my behind. I feel different. I'm looking at food different. I see it as fuel for my body, the healthier the better. I want to make good choices now, the main reason I wanted to lose weight in the past was so I'd look hot. I said it, vanity was my name. It was all about looking how I thouht I should so people thought I looked good. Funny thing is that when people started to comment on how good I looked ,when I've lost weight in the past, I'd start eating. Self sabatoge brought on by wrong motivation. I was telling myself that I wasn't good enough like I was. At fifty one, I'm good enough. Don't care what people think about how I look because I like myself. But, I have really started to care about what my quality of life will be as I age. Extra weight means extra health concerns and I want to enjoy my latter years with my grandchildren.
I will measure my successes by the joy I bring to others, and not by the number on a scale. I will see results and know that the purpose is greater than the number. I no longer feel indifferent, it matters. To my health and yours.
Have a wonderful and blessed day.
I weighed this morning, several times. I was the same weight the first two times, I went downstairs to get my laptop, checked the doors after my husband left and shut some lights out. Came upstairs, set down my laptop weighed again, down a pound. Boy exercise really does make a difference.
So which reading on the scale is right or does it matter? That is today's question.
I think I need to ask you what you think on this one. Should I weigh everyday or should I weigh every couple of days, or should I weigh once a week? What do you think. I'm thinking the scale is causing multiple personality disorder in me. I'm happy when it's down, no wait, I'm nervous when it's down cause tomorrow it may be up. I'm excited to weigh in, no I'm dreading it. I'm scared to look, no I'm scared not to look. I'm mad when it says my weight is the same, no I'm happy I didn't gain. I want to throw the thing in the garbage but I don't want to dig it out later. Yikes! I need help.
It would be impossible for me to know when I'm done if I don't weigh in. Can't measure fifty one pounds without a scale. Also don't want to think I'm doing great only to find out later, as my past has proven, that I've gained. In this area of my life ignorance is "not" bliss.
So to scale or not to scale, that is the question. And then a deeper question comes; "How do you measure success?" I am succeeding on so many levels because there has been a huge shift in my mind, no I did not say my behind. I feel different. I'm looking at food different. I see it as fuel for my body, the healthier the better. I want to make good choices now, the main reason I wanted to lose weight in the past was so I'd look hot. I said it, vanity was my name. It was all about looking how I thouht I should so people thought I looked good. Funny thing is that when people started to comment on how good I looked ,when I've lost weight in the past, I'd start eating. Self sabatoge brought on by wrong motivation. I was telling myself that I wasn't good enough like I was. At fifty one, I'm good enough. Don't care what people think about how I look because I like myself. But, I have really started to care about what my quality of life will be as I age. Extra weight means extra health concerns and I want to enjoy my latter years with my grandchildren.
I will measure my successes by the joy I bring to others, and not by the number on a scale. I will see results and know that the purpose is greater than the number. I no longer feel indifferent, it matters. To my health and yours.
Have a wonderful and blessed day.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Expectations
Day eight and working through a little disappointment. I weighed this morning after spending the majority of a four day weekend eating smart and getting lots of exercise. Down one pound. I wanted to say stinkin pound, but refrained, trying to remember a pound of butter is alot of fat. I feel so much lighter and I know that's a good thing. Just wanted that stupid scale, oops scale, to say down four pounds. Not sure why but I'm guess I was hoping for a pound a day. Not a reasonable expection I realize but it was my expectation.
My expectations of my progress regarding my weight lose are obviously too high. Question of the day:
"Why do I think I can lose 34 years worth of accumulated fat in such a short time?"
The answer for me, brain freeze. Can't come up with a better reason than that for thinking I should see rapid results. I have lost and found hundreds of pounds over the years so I should know by now that quick weight lose means quick weight gain. The two go hand in hand. So now what? I have to be happy with the pound I've lost. I need to remember that four day weekends have turned into ten pound gains for me on previous trips. Holidays have always meant weight gain for me, with the exception of one. Went to Egypt with my BFF Lucie for the missionary organization I run, lost nine pounds I'm sure from sweating in the heat, found most of it before I got home in Holland. Other than that, I can gain weight in any country, on any type of food and under any condition. I'm sure I could gain weight eating airplane food, and they don't give you much anymore.
So, here is what my expectation should have been. Eat well, be active and be happy. Don't let the trip's weight lose or gain ruin your vacation. Yep. I never gained any weight, I lost a pound. I didn't fall apart like I always have in the past. I skipped the road trip junk that has been a constant traveling companion. At no time did I eat until I felt sick. I went away for four days and I came hom a pound lighter. Remarkable accomplishment. I even ate a banana split for supper once. Wow. I lost a pound. I'm so proud of myself and so happy that I didn't crash and burn. On so many levels.
I would rejoice with any person who did that. So I must rejoice when the person is me.
"Rejoice with those who rejoice.." I'm sure God meant I should rejoice with myself over my success as well.
Have a blessed day and rejoice with someone today...even yourself.
My expectations of my progress regarding my weight lose are obviously too high. Question of the day:
"Why do I think I can lose 34 years worth of accumulated fat in such a short time?"
The answer for me, brain freeze. Can't come up with a better reason than that for thinking I should see rapid results. I have lost and found hundreds of pounds over the years so I should know by now that quick weight lose means quick weight gain. The two go hand in hand. So now what? I have to be happy with the pound I've lost. I need to remember that four day weekends have turned into ten pound gains for me on previous trips. Holidays have always meant weight gain for me, with the exception of one. Went to Egypt with my BFF Lucie for the missionary organization I run, lost nine pounds I'm sure from sweating in the heat, found most of it before I got home in Holland. Other than that, I can gain weight in any country, on any type of food and under any condition. I'm sure I could gain weight eating airplane food, and they don't give you much anymore.
So, here is what my expectation should have been. Eat well, be active and be happy. Don't let the trip's weight lose or gain ruin your vacation. Yep. I never gained any weight, I lost a pound. I didn't fall apart like I always have in the past. I skipped the road trip junk that has been a constant traveling companion. At no time did I eat until I felt sick. I went away for four days and I came hom a pound lighter. Remarkable accomplishment. I even ate a banana split for supper once. Wow. I lost a pound. I'm so proud of myself and so happy that I didn't crash and burn. On so many levels.
I would rejoice with any person who did that. So I must rejoice when the person is me.
"Rejoice with those who rejoice.." I'm sure God meant I should rejoice with myself over my success as well.
Have a blessed day and rejoice with someone today...even yourself.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Early Mornings
I love being the first person up, it's so quiet and I love the anticipation of what this day will bring forth. Today is day seven, I have to tell you that the first thing that came to my mind when I realized it was day seven was rest. I mean if God rested on the seventh day shouldn't I. I should have started on a Sunday instead of monday. I am reminded that I started on a Monday so I could have Sunday off. Memory isn't always a good thing.
I did something yesterday that I don't think I have ever successfully done. I had a banana split from the Dairy Queen for supper, oh and two onion rings. Healthy I know.
Today's question; what is succesful about eating a banana split for supper when you are trying to lose fifty one pounds?
Answer; I have no memory of ever not going home and eating some form of a supper after. I'd eat the treat, tell myself that was my dinner and then go home and find my supper later, you know how empty calories make the stomach growl. If you ever want to see someone move quicky hang around me until my stomach growls. I'm up like Dash from the Incredibles looking for food. To me a growling stomach means near starvation and that is not good in any country.
I'm certainly not saying that eating a banana split everyday for supper is a good thing. But I am saying that every once in a while I am going to have what I want whether it's sensible or not. The difference since my commitment to lose this fifty one pounds is that I am working very hard to mean what I say and say what I mean in regards to food. My children have expected that from me for as long as I can remember and I have been a mother of my word. For that matter I've honestly worked very hard to be a person of my word...period. The problem has been that when it comes to sticking to a healthier eating lifestyle I'm the nursery rhyme, Liar, liar, pants on fire. I am so baffled by the character change that happens in me when it comes to food. In every other aspect of my life I know who I am and what I beleive. Food plus Jenny seems to equal nut bar and question two for today is why.
I wish I could tell you I already have the answer, I don't. Yesterday was the first day since starting this journey seven days ago that I felt a pang of doubt. I had that same sensation that I wanted to fall into the open bag of chips that my niece was eating. I was looking for food, wandering around our condo like I was on a desert island with a blank look of horror on my face. I was either afraid I'd succeed or afraid I was going to starve to death. Not sure which yet but sure of this, I didn't give in. I had a little nibble of a couple healthy things and then I sat out that feeling of doom until it passed. Thank God I only had a couple hours until to bed. I made it and that brings me back to why I love early mornings...it's the start of a brand new day, yesterday is done, it was not a faliure because it was the day God made. Today is no different; "...this is the day the Lord has made and I will be glad and rejoice in it." No matter what battle lies ahead.
Have a wonderful and blessed day.
I did something yesterday that I don't think I have ever successfully done. I had a banana split from the Dairy Queen for supper, oh and two onion rings. Healthy I know.
Today's question; what is succesful about eating a banana split for supper when you are trying to lose fifty one pounds?
Answer; I have no memory of ever not going home and eating some form of a supper after. I'd eat the treat, tell myself that was my dinner and then go home and find my supper later, you know how empty calories make the stomach growl. If you ever want to see someone move quicky hang around me until my stomach growls. I'm up like Dash from the Incredibles looking for food. To me a growling stomach means near starvation and that is not good in any country.
I'm certainly not saying that eating a banana split everyday for supper is a good thing. But I am saying that every once in a while I am going to have what I want whether it's sensible or not. The difference since my commitment to lose this fifty one pounds is that I am working very hard to mean what I say and say what I mean in regards to food. My children have expected that from me for as long as I can remember and I have been a mother of my word. For that matter I've honestly worked very hard to be a person of my word...period. The problem has been that when it comes to sticking to a healthier eating lifestyle I'm the nursery rhyme, Liar, liar, pants on fire. I am so baffled by the character change that happens in me when it comes to food. In every other aspect of my life I know who I am and what I beleive. Food plus Jenny seems to equal nut bar and question two for today is why.
I wish I could tell you I already have the answer, I don't. Yesterday was the first day since starting this journey seven days ago that I felt a pang of doubt. I had that same sensation that I wanted to fall into the open bag of chips that my niece was eating. I was looking for food, wandering around our condo like I was on a desert island with a blank look of horror on my face. I was either afraid I'd succeed or afraid I was going to starve to death. Not sure which yet but sure of this, I didn't give in. I had a little nibble of a couple healthy things and then I sat out that feeling of doom until it passed. Thank God I only had a couple hours until to bed. I made it and that brings me back to why I love early mornings...it's the start of a brand new day, yesterday is done, it was not a faliure because it was the day God made. Today is no different; "...this is the day the Lord has made and I will be glad and rejoice in it." No matter what battle lies ahead.
Have a wonderful and blessed day.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Commitment
We are on day six, feeling strong and doing so well I've surprised myself. I know the odds for change in this forecast are great, but for now I'm basking in the sun of my success. I've been away from home now since Friday, I avoided the road trip snacks that have been a part of my life since conception I'm sure. I have watched my neice Amy and my husband eat a multitude of yummy things and not given in. I didn't even use will power beleive it or not I used something that is new to me in this process of weight loss...commitment. And that is the word of the day. Now for the question.
What does commitment mean to you?
This October 3 I will have been married to my husband for 28 years. I made a promise to God, and to Gord that I was commiting until death did us part. Beleive me there have been times for both of us that killing seemed easier than commiting. No matter what I was in it for the long haul. Let me tell you friends that there were many times when I felt I was doing all the hauling, I'm sure my husband would say the same thing. Anything worth having is going to be hard work and takes a great deal of commitment. I can honestly tell you that for many of those 28 years I wondered about my commitment. From time to time I've been know to say these words in the heat of the moment. "I'm done!!!!" But...I promised God and Gord. Without a doubt it was the promise I made to God that kept me married through the rough spots. Did I say rough spots...ooops my bad...meant to say over the gigantic seemingly unpassable mountains.
What does this have to do with my losing fifty one pounds you may ask. Let me tell you. It is going to take commitment for me to succeed. Committment on those days when I want to jump into a pool of chocolate mousse and swim for days. Commitment when I want to quit and go back to my wild and crazy eating ways. Commitment when I want to over indulge because I can. That's right because I can. Do you know that you can eat whatever you want, I don't think I knew that. So many diets tell you what you can and can't have. I assure you I have proved those diet gurus wrongs often. They say don't eat this...I say watch me baby. Willfull to say the list...will power...not so much.
I am blessed with so many wonderful people in my life. I have a very supportive husband, amazing children and great friends. And into each one of those above mentioned I have had to sow my own seeds of commitment. I commited to love my husband and never leave. I committed to love his two sons. The day my first born son was born I committed to mother him and show him unconditional love, I followed that pattern for his sister and for his baby brother. My first born is with Jesus and I am still committed to him, my daughter, my son and one of my step sons have married wonderful people and I am and always will be committed to them all. My grandchildren, well who couldn't love grandchildren...seriously the best and so easy to commit too. My point, our lives are full of commitment. We either commit to love unconditionally or we struggle to find happiness.
Personal commitment is defined as mutual or self imposed obligations. It is to pledge to something or someone. I have commited to lose fifty one pounds, self imposed duty at its worst or best...not sure which one yet. The remarkable thing about commitment is it's my call 99% of the time. From time to time my family has threatened to have me commited, totally different and so far it's just a threat. I have commited to succeed and I will succeed. My choice, and your choice, we must never forget what it means to commit.
Have a wonderful Sunday, be blessed and find rest today from whatever weighs you down. (Pun intended)
What does commitment mean to you?
This October 3 I will have been married to my husband for 28 years. I made a promise to God, and to Gord that I was commiting until death did us part. Beleive me there have been times for both of us that killing seemed easier than commiting. No matter what I was in it for the long haul. Let me tell you friends that there were many times when I felt I was doing all the hauling, I'm sure my husband would say the same thing. Anything worth having is going to be hard work and takes a great deal of commitment. I can honestly tell you that for many of those 28 years I wondered about my commitment. From time to time I've been know to say these words in the heat of the moment. "I'm done!!!!" But...I promised God and Gord. Without a doubt it was the promise I made to God that kept me married through the rough spots. Did I say rough spots...ooops my bad...meant to say over the gigantic seemingly unpassable mountains.
What does this have to do with my losing fifty one pounds you may ask. Let me tell you. It is going to take commitment for me to succeed. Committment on those days when I want to jump into a pool of chocolate mousse and swim for days. Commitment when I want to quit and go back to my wild and crazy eating ways. Commitment when I want to over indulge because I can. That's right because I can. Do you know that you can eat whatever you want, I don't think I knew that. So many diets tell you what you can and can't have. I assure you I have proved those diet gurus wrongs often. They say don't eat this...I say watch me baby. Willfull to say the list...will power...not so much.
I am blessed with so many wonderful people in my life. I have a very supportive husband, amazing children and great friends. And into each one of those above mentioned I have had to sow my own seeds of commitment. I commited to love my husband and never leave. I committed to love his two sons. The day my first born son was born I committed to mother him and show him unconditional love, I followed that pattern for his sister and for his baby brother. My first born is with Jesus and I am still committed to him, my daughter, my son and one of my step sons have married wonderful people and I am and always will be committed to them all. My grandchildren, well who couldn't love grandchildren...seriously the best and so easy to commit too. My point, our lives are full of commitment. We either commit to love unconditionally or we struggle to find happiness.
Personal commitment is defined as mutual or self imposed obligations. It is to pledge to something or someone. I have commited to lose fifty one pounds, self imposed duty at its worst or best...not sure which one yet. The remarkable thing about commitment is it's my call 99% of the time. From time to time my family has threatened to have me commited, totally different and so far it's just a threat. I have commited to succeed and I will succeed. My choice, and your choice, we must never forget what it means to commit.
Have a wonderful Sunday, be blessed and find rest today from whatever weighs you down. (Pun intended)
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Awareness
I'm finding myself totally aware of what is going into my mouth over these last few days. I thought I'd always been more than aware, turns out that wasn't true. I just ate in this altered state. Not really aware of what or how much was going in, although I can remember days when my body was saying something like, knock it or your feel sick later, but I was able to press through. I'm also shocked to learn that thinking about food has multiple purposes and can yeild completely different results. I used to think about food all the time and I thought that was my problem. Now I'm still thinking about food all the time but it's in a completely new way. Once upon a time, not that long ago, I was thinking about what I could eat, where I would eat, and planning very carefully to never miss a meal. I'm still not at the point where I want to miss a meal but I'm sure thinking about what I'll eat and how much I'll eat now.
Yesterday I went to my mom and dads for dinner. Sounds wonderful right? It is beleive me, my mom is a great cook. Normally I surrender to the fact that I always overeat around my parents. The reason, food was a comforter in my home. We ate when we were happy, ate when we were sad, ate when we were bored, ate when we had company, ate when we came home from school, ate supper two hours later, ate when we didn't feel good, ate when we did. I mean we were a very well fed family, and when we were little we were actually all little. My mom worked us hard and insisted that we didn't sit in front of the tv all day, we needed to get outside and do something. Turns out my mom was the first Personal Trainer I had. She fed has very heathly food, and then she made us go do something to wear it off. Amazing.
Here's the problem. I left home and took the fun part, eating for every occassion, I learned to like sitting in front of the tv, computer, etc., and I stopped going out and doing something every single day. And then I did exactly the same thing to my kids, fed them for any occassion and made them play outside in stead of sitting in front of the tv. Remarkable how history repeats itself.
The question of the day, why was this dinner at my parents different?
The answer. I was completely and totally aware of what I put in my mouth. Every single bite, I paid attention to everything and I ate until I felt full and then...sit down...I quit. I even gave away my last few bites of the amazing peach shortbread, topped with whipped cream cake, that was to die for. Oh and I shared my dinner with Zayin, my cute little grandson. I was amazed that I did not surrender, like I have on so many occassions at my parents, to eat until I couldn' move because the food was soooo good.
The reason for my success...awareness. I stayed present, I didn't zone out and allow myself to go into that black hole that we only seem able to climb out of after the deed is done. Then that hole of guilt moves in, anger, self loathing, blaming and a host of other horrible feelings that follow overeating. Yep awareness.
I tell you I'm empowered. I'm taking steps to follow that sound advice God gave us when He said..."take every thought captive." You have got to be "aware" in order to successfully do that. This is baffleing to me, I thought I was aware, I wasn't, I became aware and I'm seeing more clearly than I ever have. How weird is that?
Have a wonderful and blessed day.
ps. No scale at the condo so no weight loss
updates until Monday...yikes and yay!
Yesterday I went to my mom and dads for dinner. Sounds wonderful right? It is beleive me, my mom is a great cook. Normally I surrender to the fact that I always overeat around my parents. The reason, food was a comforter in my home. We ate when we were happy, ate when we were sad, ate when we were bored, ate when we had company, ate when we came home from school, ate supper two hours later, ate when we didn't feel good, ate when we did. I mean we were a very well fed family, and when we were little we were actually all little. My mom worked us hard and insisted that we didn't sit in front of the tv all day, we needed to get outside and do something. Turns out my mom was the first Personal Trainer I had. She fed has very heathly food, and then she made us go do something to wear it off. Amazing.
Here's the problem. I left home and took the fun part, eating for every occassion, I learned to like sitting in front of the tv, computer, etc., and I stopped going out and doing something every single day. And then I did exactly the same thing to my kids, fed them for any occassion and made them play outside in stead of sitting in front of the tv. Remarkable how history repeats itself.
The question of the day, why was this dinner at my parents different?
The answer. I was completely and totally aware of what I put in my mouth. Every single bite, I paid attention to everything and I ate until I felt full and then...sit down...I quit. I even gave away my last few bites of the amazing peach shortbread, topped with whipped cream cake, that was to die for. Oh and I shared my dinner with Zayin, my cute little grandson. I was amazed that I did not surrender, like I have on so many occassions at my parents, to eat until I couldn' move because the food was soooo good.
The reason for my success...awareness. I stayed present, I didn't zone out and allow myself to go into that black hole that we only seem able to climb out of after the deed is done. Then that hole of guilt moves in, anger, self loathing, blaming and a host of other horrible feelings that follow overeating. Yep awareness.
I tell you I'm empowered. I'm taking steps to follow that sound advice God gave us when He said..."take every thought captive." You have got to be "aware" in order to successfully do that. This is baffleing to me, I thought I was aware, I wasn't, I became aware and I'm seeing more clearly than I ever have. How weird is that?
Have a wonderful and blessed day.
ps. No scale at the condo so no weight loss
updates until Monday...yikes and yay!
Friday, September 4, 2009
The "Nesses".
Today I've lost 3 pounds in 4 days. I'm reluctant to tell you...weird hey? So I thought about why and the answer came. Change. In 4 days I've made a change in my weight, this confirms that I can control myself as my previous blog stated. Rats. This confirms that I can change my body and so hammers home the fact that I alone am responsible for how I look. Crap...blaming situations, genetics, really good food, think about it who would overeat if the food tasted gross, and my favortie excuse, my body likes to hold on to fat. Who knew I was holding onto the fat for crying out loud. I also discovered that for every drop in weight there is the potential that one day in this process I'm going to have to tell you I found some weight, okay it will happen, I can pretty much guarantee it. Honestly not looking forward to that day but for now downward ho I hope to go.
I'm determined to take this scale thing one day at a time. And for those who may be thinking that's the AA slogan let me tell you...they got it from God.
The question of the day, why is the title of todays blog "The Nesses"?
My son-in-law, who I love so much, has lost 30 plus pounds in the last few months. He did it by simply not overeating. He told me it was hard at times and for about a month in the beginning he felt hungry. I'm sure my mouth fell open, probably waiting for someone to throw a Bite Me cupcake in it, didn't happen. I was shocked. Now I've heard about people being hungry, and I've had times when I was sure I'd die of hunger when a meal's been late. But accepting the fact that he was hungry for a month. What the heck is that? I'll tell you what...it's foreign...at least to me. Even when I fast, be it fruits or vegtables, or juices, I make sure I'm consuming enough to curb hunger. I don't like the feeling of "emptyness". And there you see the first of many "nesses" to come. I like the fullness...I don't like the emptyness.
My mind being what it is started racing, it's the only part of my body that likes to run. I considered that these "nesses" were probably the cause of 90% of the worlds overeating, at least in my opinion. Emptyness, lonliness, hopelessness, fearfulness, sadness, I could go on. I'm hoping you get the point. These "nesses" are the root problem. Which one is yours? I'm discovering that I have struggled with them all at some point and the food gives me fullness and that's the only "ness" I'm truly comfortable with. Even happiness can cause overeating, seriously what do we do when we are happy...why we eat of course. Yahoo! Sadly, I have met many people who feel they don't deserve happiness so they strive to make sure something is wrong with their life to make sure they are not "too" happy. These "nesses" cause craziness. We react to them because they are all intense feelings. Pangs of lonliness have made me run to the fridge and I'll tell you why. I remember being in room full of people and feeling lonely. It was the weirdest thing, I'd already eaten way too much food and I was sitting doing what so many of us do, asking that why question. Why did you eat all that? The answer came, you are lonely. I explained I was in a room full of people. Didn't seem to matter to Mr. Voice, you are lonley. For me Mr. Voice, is God, I listen when God speaks and I assure you He is never wrong. You see lonliness isn't just being by yourself, lonliness is also defined as feeling disconnected. That feeling that no one really understands you or what you are going through. And sometimes...no one does.
So what do we do with these "nesses". Embrace them...yep that's what I said. Give them a big old hug, welcome them, they "are" part of the human experience and each "ness" is designed to draw us to completeness. We need to feel all and we can learn from all the "nesses". It's not easy but it's necessary. We do not need to feed them contrary to what I've been doing for years. We need to feel them and learn from them, they've come to teach us. They aren't hungry, although hunger often comes dressed as a "ness". So be watching for those "nesses" my friends.
And finally, my favortie "ness". "FAITHFULNESS" = God.
You are not alone when facing any "ness". Have a wonderful and blessed day.
I'm determined to take this scale thing one day at a time. And for those who may be thinking that's the AA slogan let me tell you...they got it from God.
The question of the day, why is the title of todays blog "The Nesses"?
My son-in-law, who I love so much, has lost 30 plus pounds in the last few months. He did it by simply not overeating. He told me it was hard at times and for about a month in the beginning he felt hungry. I'm sure my mouth fell open, probably waiting for someone to throw a Bite Me cupcake in it, didn't happen. I was shocked. Now I've heard about people being hungry, and I've had times when I was sure I'd die of hunger when a meal's been late. But accepting the fact that he was hungry for a month. What the heck is that? I'll tell you what...it's foreign...at least to me. Even when I fast, be it fruits or vegtables, or juices, I make sure I'm consuming enough to curb hunger. I don't like the feeling of "emptyness". And there you see the first of many "nesses" to come. I like the fullness...I don't like the emptyness.
My mind being what it is started racing, it's the only part of my body that likes to run. I considered that these "nesses" were probably the cause of 90% of the worlds overeating, at least in my opinion. Emptyness, lonliness, hopelessness, fearfulness, sadness, I could go on. I'm hoping you get the point. These "nesses" are the root problem. Which one is yours? I'm discovering that I have struggled with them all at some point and the food gives me fullness and that's the only "ness" I'm truly comfortable with. Even happiness can cause overeating, seriously what do we do when we are happy...why we eat of course. Yahoo! Sadly, I have met many people who feel they don't deserve happiness so they strive to make sure something is wrong with their life to make sure they are not "too" happy. These "nesses" cause craziness. We react to them because they are all intense feelings. Pangs of lonliness have made me run to the fridge and I'll tell you why. I remember being in room full of people and feeling lonely. It was the weirdest thing, I'd already eaten way too much food and I was sitting doing what so many of us do, asking that why question. Why did you eat all that? The answer came, you are lonely. I explained I was in a room full of people. Didn't seem to matter to Mr. Voice, you are lonley. For me Mr. Voice, is God, I listen when God speaks and I assure you He is never wrong. You see lonliness isn't just being by yourself, lonliness is also defined as feeling disconnected. That feeling that no one really understands you or what you are going through. And sometimes...no one does.
So what do we do with these "nesses". Embrace them...yep that's what I said. Give them a big old hug, welcome them, they "are" part of the human experience and each "ness" is designed to draw us to completeness. We need to feel all and we can learn from all the "nesses". It's not easy but it's necessary. We do not need to feed them contrary to what I've been doing for years. We need to feel them and learn from them, they've come to teach us. They aren't hungry, although hunger often comes dressed as a "ness". So be watching for those "nesses" my friends.
And finally, my favortie "ness". "FAITHFULNESS" = God.
You are not alone when facing any "ness". Have a wonderful and blessed day.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Baby Steps
So this mornings weigh in reveals that although I am still 51 years old, I have now only got 50 pounds to lose. And for the record I weighed multiple times to get an accurate reading. Some of you may be surprised by this but you "can" manipulate a scale...especially the industrial strength ones like mine.
Third morning, one pound. To quote a famous shrink..."How does that make you feel Jenny?" Well Dr. P. let me tell you. Good...and...hungry. Probably because I haven't had breakfast yet. I mean really who weighs after they eat? Those people who don't care about their weight that's who. My husband has been know to weigh completely clothed, imagine. Then he just subtracts a few pounds. That stresses me out just thinking about it. I have yet to look at the deeper meaning of this one, but my watch and necklace are the only things that weigh in with me. Oops...adjustment...I've lost one pound and a quarter ounce. :)
Back to the question of how I feel. Strong, determined and a bit scared. This will be difficult for some of you to understand and way too easy for others but follow me it will make sense I promise. I'm comfortable being fat. Yep...that's the truth. I trust myself more with weight on, I know who I am with extra weight on. My extra pounds haven't kept me from living, and I do what I want, with the exception of wearing a bikini or skin tight clothes, you should all be grateful for that. I go swimming, yes in a bathing suit, I ride horses, not ponies though, I get dressed up and I go out with my family and this will be huge for some of you I realize, I don't care who I run into or what they think of my weight...as long as I have my make-up on. I'm still a woman. My point is that weight has not held me back at all, and I know for many people that is not the case. I truly embrace who I am even if I have to use both arms. I know that I have extra weight on but the body I see in the mirror does not scare me, if you read my first post you already know this, it surprises me from time to time. Mostly because I always think I'm smaller than I am. Certain mirrors do not hide the truth.
What makes a person comfortable with fat? Today's question.
For me the answer is found in the fat itself. It's soft, it lets me indulge and have what I want. Fat is not firm and does "not" require constant attention. Fat is not demanding, in fact fat wants to sit, relax and enjoy life. Fat's only requirement is that when you get a hunger pain you move in the direction of the fridge. Muscle wants you to exercise, eat right and keep moving. Is it any wonder I'm more comfortable with fat? I'd say not.
That's my physical answer but what I'm discovering is that the mental answer has complete power and is the key that locks the fridge door. Don't panic...it's also the key that opens the fridge door. I'm comfortable in my fat because it requires nothing of me. It lets me stay where I am. I'm uncomfortable with taking control of my eating because inside we all just want to be out of control in some way. I always thought it was a control issue as in I cant control myself. Not true...so not true. I can, many diets have proven that I can control my weight when I want to, successfully. Eventually this desire to be out of control wins and I surrender to the have a littles. You know them, just have a little bite, it's just a little chocolate bar. Do you know that if you eat 10 of the 100 calorie bars you are not in control and making a good choice? Do you know that a little bit of everything on the snack table adds up to 3 meals or more depending on what you choose. Oh those have a littles. The reason people jump out of planes is to feel out of control, rollar coasters, strap in and feel completely out of control, any thrill seeker wants to feel in control of something that is outside of their control. So humans seem to want an out of control...controlled feeling. And I say...welcome to the world of most people who struggle with their weight, in control, out of control, in control, out of control. Now that's a rollar coaster ride that never ends. Unless....
....we can find a way to be in control with that wonderful feeling of being out of control at the same time. What if I had what I wanted but added a key word, moderation. And that word defined is eleminating the extremes, adding a sense of normal to whatever it is you are working to moderate. Remarkable...moderation. Who knew? I leave you with this most remarkable proverb from my favorite book and I pray you have a blessed and wonderful day.
"Moderation in all things and all things in moderation."
Third morning, one pound. To quote a famous shrink..."How does that make you feel Jenny?" Well Dr. P. let me tell you. Good...and...hungry. Probably because I haven't had breakfast yet. I mean really who weighs after they eat? Those people who don't care about their weight that's who. My husband has been know to weigh completely clothed, imagine. Then he just subtracts a few pounds. That stresses me out just thinking about it. I have yet to look at the deeper meaning of this one, but my watch and necklace are the only things that weigh in with me. Oops...adjustment...I've lost one pound and a quarter ounce. :)
Back to the question of how I feel. Strong, determined and a bit scared. This will be difficult for some of you to understand and way too easy for others but follow me it will make sense I promise. I'm comfortable being fat. Yep...that's the truth. I trust myself more with weight on, I know who I am with extra weight on. My extra pounds haven't kept me from living, and I do what I want, with the exception of wearing a bikini or skin tight clothes, you should all be grateful for that. I go swimming, yes in a bathing suit, I ride horses, not ponies though, I get dressed up and I go out with my family and this will be huge for some of you I realize, I don't care who I run into or what they think of my weight...as long as I have my make-up on. I'm still a woman. My point is that weight has not held me back at all, and I know for many people that is not the case. I truly embrace who I am even if I have to use both arms. I know that I have extra weight on but the body I see in the mirror does not scare me, if you read my first post you already know this, it surprises me from time to time. Mostly because I always think I'm smaller than I am. Certain mirrors do not hide the truth.
What makes a person comfortable with fat? Today's question.
For me the answer is found in the fat itself. It's soft, it lets me indulge and have what I want. Fat is not firm and does "not" require constant attention. Fat is not demanding, in fact fat wants to sit, relax and enjoy life. Fat's only requirement is that when you get a hunger pain you move in the direction of the fridge. Muscle wants you to exercise, eat right and keep moving. Is it any wonder I'm more comfortable with fat? I'd say not.
That's my physical answer but what I'm discovering is that the mental answer has complete power and is the key that locks the fridge door. Don't panic...it's also the key that opens the fridge door. I'm comfortable in my fat because it requires nothing of me. It lets me stay where I am. I'm uncomfortable with taking control of my eating because inside we all just want to be out of control in some way. I always thought it was a control issue as in I cant control myself. Not true...so not true. I can, many diets have proven that I can control my weight when I want to, successfully. Eventually this desire to be out of control wins and I surrender to the have a littles. You know them, just have a little bite, it's just a little chocolate bar. Do you know that if you eat 10 of the 100 calorie bars you are not in control and making a good choice? Do you know that a little bit of everything on the snack table adds up to 3 meals or more depending on what you choose. Oh those have a littles. The reason people jump out of planes is to feel out of control, rollar coasters, strap in and feel completely out of control, any thrill seeker wants to feel in control of something that is outside of their control. So humans seem to want an out of control...controlled feeling. And I say...welcome to the world of most people who struggle with their weight, in control, out of control, in control, out of control. Now that's a rollar coaster ride that never ends. Unless....
....we can find a way to be in control with that wonderful feeling of being out of control at the same time. What if I had what I wanted but added a key word, moderation. And that word defined is eleminating the extremes, adding a sense of normal to whatever it is you are working to moderate. Remarkable...moderation. Who knew? I leave you with this most remarkable proverb from my favorite book and I pray you have a blessed and wonderful day.
"Moderation in all things and all things in moderation."
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Day Two
I amazed at the things I've learned in the last few days. It was a Saturday morning when I first thought about committing to get this fifty one pounds off. It is now Wednesday morning and I'm so glad I decided to blog about this. For some reason writing about it, and thinking about writing about this process, has been very therapeutic. I'm paying attention. That in itself is remarkable because, although I pay attention to many other things in life, I have not really paid attention to my weight. Oh I've thought about, agonized over it and raged at myself for letting myself indulge in it...but I have not paid attention to it. Denial is a wonderful thing isn't it...or is it?
And that is the question of the day.
I'm realizing that I have denied myself in a most horrible way, and for years I thought that my weight issue was about "not" denying myself. Turns out I've denied myself on so many levels. I prefer pictures of myself alone, so I have no one to compare my size to. I've learned to stand behind my husband so no one will notice I'm wider than him, if I can't get behind him I stand sideways that's better...except my shoulders are still bigger than his. I have sore legs from eating everything I want and my feet always hurts. Have another chocolate bar, why deny yourself Jenny? You deserve it. Deserve what? More pounds, more self loathing, more anger, more discomfort, more difficulty sitting, standing, and let's not even mention how uncomfortable those airplane seats get the bigger you are. I'm looking for balance and I'm asking the question can I get what I want by denying myself and have what I want and not deny myself at the same time? Read that again it will make sense the second time.
Sit down...I am. The answer is yes. Over the last couple of days I've discovered that I can say yes and no to things at the same time. It's remarkable and possible...who knew? What's the loony talking about you ask? Well let me tell you. As the decision to truly commit to loosing this weight was rolling around in my head, after my serious prayer asking God for help, after I could feel the answer coming I tried something. I was going to my beautiful daughters house to drop off my very handsome son's car. They had company and my daughter mentioned Starbucks but I was no where near one. I hate to deny my children so I thought I'd stop at the Dairy Queen instead because it was on the way and buy a box of Dilly Bars, if you don't know what these are, ice cream covered in chocolate on a stick, brilliant to say the least. As I got closer my mind sped up, you shouldn't eat that you want to lose fifty one pounds, you don't need it. Denial...I hate that. I decided to buy six, they come in twelves but six cost almost as much as twelve, it's very Canadian to get more it's a much better deal. I bought the box, now what? I had a strange calm but I wasn't sure why, I knew there were six people, two each, I'm good at small math, I could eat two.
I'm starting a new paragraph because I don't want you to miss what I'm about to say, it's shocking. I gave everyone in that house a dilly bar after I kissed and hugged my adorable grandson. I even gave myself one. I took one small bit off the end, yummy, I took a second small bite off the other end, double yum. And then I'd had enough so I gave the rest away. Yep, that is what I said I gave the rest away. I felt powerful...I'm not even kidding...powerful. That was an amazing moment for me, I denied myself and I did not deny myself at the same time. Remarkable.
Every single diet has one common theme...denial. And I can only speak for myself here...I don't function well when I'm being denied. It's rude. So I had my cake (ice cream) and I ate it too...but...I didn't overeat it. That is the key.
I'm happy to report that I have been able to give too and deny myself several times since I committed to loosing this fifty one pounds. It seems to have taken me 51 years, less 13 I was a skinny kid, to figure this out. Okay I realize I'm on day two and it's early morning as I write, but hey knowing I can have what I want helps, the results after 24 hours...no change in my weight...I'm still working on fifty one pounds. Huge change in my mind, I don't feel burdened by methods this far. Less is more they say...I add...especially when two bites of ice cream are twice as much as none.
Two points:
1. Pay attention
2. Don't deny yourself while you deny yourself.
Have a blessed day.
And that is the question of the day.
I'm realizing that I have denied myself in a most horrible way, and for years I thought that my weight issue was about "not" denying myself. Turns out I've denied myself on so many levels. I prefer pictures of myself alone, so I have no one to compare my size to. I've learned to stand behind my husband so no one will notice I'm wider than him, if I can't get behind him I stand sideways that's better...except my shoulders are still bigger than his. I have sore legs from eating everything I want and my feet always hurts. Have another chocolate bar, why deny yourself Jenny? You deserve it. Deserve what? More pounds, more self loathing, more anger, more discomfort, more difficulty sitting, standing, and let's not even mention how uncomfortable those airplane seats get the bigger you are. I'm looking for balance and I'm asking the question can I get what I want by denying myself and have what I want and not deny myself at the same time? Read that again it will make sense the second time.
Sit down...I am. The answer is yes. Over the last couple of days I've discovered that I can say yes and no to things at the same time. It's remarkable and possible...who knew? What's the loony talking about you ask? Well let me tell you. As the decision to truly commit to loosing this weight was rolling around in my head, after my serious prayer asking God for help, after I could feel the answer coming I tried something. I was going to my beautiful daughters house to drop off my very handsome son's car. They had company and my daughter mentioned Starbucks but I was no where near one. I hate to deny my children so I thought I'd stop at the Dairy Queen instead because it was on the way and buy a box of Dilly Bars, if you don't know what these are, ice cream covered in chocolate on a stick, brilliant to say the least. As I got closer my mind sped up, you shouldn't eat that you want to lose fifty one pounds, you don't need it. Denial...I hate that. I decided to buy six, they come in twelves but six cost almost as much as twelve, it's very Canadian to get more it's a much better deal. I bought the box, now what? I had a strange calm but I wasn't sure why, I knew there were six people, two each, I'm good at small math, I could eat two.
I'm starting a new paragraph because I don't want you to miss what I'm about to say, it's shocking. I gave everyone in that house a dilly bar after I kissed and hugged my adorable grandson. I even gave myself one. I took one small bit off the end, yummy, I took a second small bite off the other end, double yum. And then I'd had enough so I gave the rest away. Yep, that is what I said I gave the rest away. I felt powerful...I'm not even kidding...powerful. That was an amazing moment for me, I denied myself and I did not deny myself at the same time. Remarkable.
Every single diet has one common theme...denial. And I can only speak for myself here...I don't function well when I'm being denied. It's rude. So I had my cake (ice cream) and I ate it too...but...I didn't overeat it. That is the key.
I'm happy to report that I have been able to give too and deny myself several times since I committed to loosing this fifty one pounds. It seems to have taken me 51 years, less 13 I was a skinny kid, to figure this out. Okay I realize I'm on day two and it's early morning as I write, but hey knowing I can have what I want helps, the results after 24 hours...no change in my weight...I'm still working on fifty one pounds. Huge change in my mind, I don't feel burdened by methods this far. Less is more they say...I add...especially when two bites of ice cream are twice as much as none.
Two points:
1. Pay attention
2. Don't deny yourself while you deny yourself.
Have a blessed day.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
The Beginning
Today is September 1, 2009, two days ago I decided to get serious about losing weight. I have been on many diets and lost and gained a few people by now.
Why now? Good question. Last week I decided I wanted to go camping, we have a travel trailer so I use the term camping loosely, I wanted to be outside, I wanted to be close to the water and I wanted to sleep in the trailer with the windows open and smell the fresh air that is only found, outside of the city. My first attempts at booking a site where I wanted to go failed. I still wanted to go camping...so I woke early and felt I should try again. Success. We were booked and drove out Friday afternoon. It was the perfect spot. Privacy, this is very important to me contrary to what this blog may imply, beauty, trees surrounded us and no one could see into our site. Space, our 30' trailer had room to spare with the slide out...out. We readied our site, we basked in the sun, we had a fire, we cooked our dinner over the fire. We were roughing it, okay the AC was on in the trailer but it was 28 degrees, hot in a trailer to say the least. All was well in my world until I remembered something about the trailer I'd forgotten as I looked at my reflection, every trailer seems to have huge and complete mirrored closets. Who thought those up by the way? Someone skinny I'll bet. From a distance I didn't look to bad, from a distance and sideways. I passed that reflection off and got things ready for bed, I was so happy to be sleeping in our comfy trailer. We snuggled in, I opened the window a inch or so, my husband felt we'd freeze to death by morning if it was open more. The cool night air flowed in and off we went to sleep. We woke 9 hours later feeling wonderfully refreshed and then I rolled over.
My side of the bed was closest to those closet mirrors and even without my glasses I could see that a very large woman had taken my place in the bed. I'd seen her a few times over the years but only in passing. I'd managed to ignore her in the past but it didn't work this time, she was all I could see in those closet mirrors. I did notice that at least half of her legs were quite nice...for that I shall be eternally grateful. I'd also noticed that her face had changed and I need you to know, I can hardly see anything without my glasses unless it's big and right in front of me. Sadly, both those conditions were met. So...now what? I was faced with this fat women who looked old, standing up I was happy with my face...laying down...not so much.
I lay in the bed for nearly an hour, contemplating this fat, thinking about the pain in my feet, my back, my neck and my legs. All enhanced by the fact that I was carrying at least 51 pounds more than I should be. I was fifty one years old and I was overweight and out of shape. I had more aches and pain than my 60 year old husband and if that wasn't bad enough, I weighed more than he did. Not that I was able to share that with him until recently, when it comes to the, "How much do you weight? question, I'm a sealed vault. I'd tried every diet, I'd fasted for 40 days on fruit and vegetables, I'd exercised for a year and in both cases lost like 10lbs. What is that?
It is a weight issue for me and it is a mental issue as well...some part of me does not want to let go of the weight and so my body, contrary to what I think I want, hangs on to fat like I'm about to enter into 7 years of a long hard drought. I live in Canada, I tell myself we have food in bountiful supply, just let it go. Nothing seems to work for me and believe it or not, I don't eat a lot. Sadly for me, I also have a body that would be happier if I ate even less...or...I have a very powerful mind. This blog is the beginning for me and anyone who'd like to journey along is most welcome. I have decided, after much prayer and begging, to lose no less than 51 pounds. That is the name of this blog and it is my goal. I have no idea how long it will take but I know that if I don't start now I may carry these 51 pounds for the rest of my life and I'm tired. Tired of being overweight, tired of the strain it puts on my joints, tired of telling my self that I'm okay carrying this load. I'm not and so it begins today because I'm writing it down and making it public every day until I've lost my...fifty one pounds.
Join me if you will...I guarantee it will be a rocky road, and I'm not talking about the ice cream honey. :)
Why now? Good question. Last week I decided I wanted to go camping, we have a travel trailer so I use the term camping loosely, I wanted to be outside, I wanted to be close to the water and I wanted to sleep in the trailer with the windows open and smell the fresh air that is only found, outside of the city. My first attempts at booking a site where I wanted to go failed. I still wanted to go camping...so I woke early and felt I should try again. Success. We were booked and drove out Friday afternoon. It was the perfect spot. Privacy, this is very important to me contrary to what this blog may imply, beauty, trees surrounded us and no one could see into our site. Space, our 30' trailer had room to spare with the slide out...out. We readied our site, we basked in the sun, we had a fire, we cooked our dinner over the fire. We were roughing it, okay the AC was on in the trailer but it was 28 degrees, hot in a trailer to say the least. All was well in my world until I remembered something about the trailer I'd forgotten as I looked at my reflection, every trailer seems to have huge and complete mirrored closets. Who thought those up by the way? Someone skinny I'll bet. From a distance I didn't look to bad, from a distance and sideways. I passed that reflection off and got things ready for bed, I was so happy to be sleeping in our comfy trailer. We snuggled in, I opened the window a inch or so, my husband felt we'd freeze to death by morning if it was open more. The cool night air flowed in and off we went to sleep. We woke 9 hours later feeling wonderfully refreshed and then I rolled over.
My side of the bed was closest to those closet mirrors and even without my glasses I could see that a very large woman had taken my place in the bed. I'd seen her a few times over the years but only in passing. I'd managed to ignore her in the past but it didn't work this time, she was all I could see in those closet mirrors. I did notice that at least half of her legs were quite nice...for that I shall be eternally grateful. I'd also noticed that her face had changed and I need you to know, I can hardly see anything without my glasses unless it's big and right in front of me. Sadly, both those conditions were met. So...now what? I was faced with this fat women who looked old, standing up I was happy with my face...laying down...not so much.
I lay in the bed for nearly an hour, contemplating this fat, thinking about the pain in my feet, my back, my neck and my legs. All enhanced by the fact that I was carrying at least 51 pounds more than I should be. I was fifty one years old and I was overweight and out of shape. I had more aches and pain than my 60 year old husband and if that wasn't bad enough, I weighed more than he did. Not that I was able to share that with him until recently, when it comes to the, "How much do you weight? question, I'm a sealed vault. I'd tried every diet, I'd fasted for 40 days on fruit and vegetables, I'd exercised for a year and in both cases lost like 10lbs. What is that?
It is a weight issue for me and it is a mental issue as well...some part of me does not want to let go of the weight and so my body, contrary to what I think I want, hangs on to fat like I'm about to enter into 7 years of a long hard drought. I live in Canada, I tell myself we have food in bountiful supply, just let it go. Nothing seems to work for me and believe it or not, I don't eat a lot. Sadly for me, I also have a body that would be happier if I ate even less...or...I have a very powerful mind. This blog is the beginning for me and anyone who'd like to journey along is most welcome. I have decided, after much prayer and begging, to lose no less than 51 pounds. That is the name of this blog and it is my goal. I have no idea how long it will take but I know that if I don't start now I may carry these 51 pounds for the rest of my life and I'm tired. Tired of being overweight, tired of the strain it puts on my joints, tired of telling my self that I'm okay carrying this load. I'm not and so it begins today because I'm writing it down and making it public every day until I've lost my...fifty one pounds.
Join me if you will...I guarantee it will be a rocky road, and I'm not talking about the ice cream honey. :)
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