2009 - This is What I Know.

It has been days since I wrote last and I've missed it and I haven't.  That is something I know.
I know without a doubt that I've gained weight since I left home and the scale.
I know that not writing has given me a freedom that I don't manage so well.
I know that I'll be sorry I ate all those goodies when I get home.
I know that I eat when I'm emotional, let me rephrase that, I overeat when I'm emotional.
I know that this season is both joyous and sad. 
I know that I always have more to be grateful for than I do to whine about so if sad is the worst
thing I feel at times...it's ok.

Todays Question:  "Does Christmas send your emotions through highs and lows at the speed of light?"

It does for me.  I miss my son the most at Christmas, it was Calvins favorite time of year.  I miss my babies most, they grew up.  I'm very glad they did and they are giving me grandchildren to love and love them I do.  However, Christmas reminds me of every other Christmas and my mothers heart does ache from time to time.  I'm so glad I'm such good friends with my kids, their spouses and I am head over in heels in love with my grandchildren.  I know that they are such a blessing.

I also know that a New Year brings new hope and a chance to do things better.  That of course depends on me making the most of the opportunities that come.  My husband likes to call problems opportunites and he is right, it's how we see what is before us that sets our course.  I know that I need to see with the eyes of faith and put aside my doubts and fears that I will somehow miss some very important aspect of my life.  I know that I need to trust God.  I know that He will not let me down. 

Why do I always seem to forget that He knows and I don't.  Lord help us all to see that you have gone ahead and you alone know what 2010 will bring.  I look to you for renewed vision and passion.  I look to you for guidance and direction.  I look to you for the revival of my spirit, soul, mind and body.  I feel dry Lord and I'm asking for your blessing on the year ahead.  I'm asking you to quench my thirst and water this spiritually barren land I dwell in.  I know you are faithful and I know your desire is to bless.

I love you and I know there is no other God besides you. 

Be blessed with a wonderful New Year, may 2010 truly be about the renewing of our minds.

There is a Pound of Christmas on My Scale

Okay maybe a pound and some but I only post full pounds...Praise the Lord.  I'm not even going to dare to complain because I dished up the plate(s) of Christmas goodies myself...so...you reap what you sow is the quote of the day.

Todays Question:  "Is it possible to be happy about a gain?"

Yep, sure is!  I should have been up more...not because I ate way too much but because I ate more than I needed too.  My husband is a really good cook and these big celebratory meals only happen a few times a year.  I'm not missing out on those.  Would be good to remember that I don't need quite as much of the other things before the meal.  You know, all those chocolates and baked goods.  Yummy!

Overall I had a very good couple of days, no gluttony here, only a mildly uncomfortable waist band, no bloating and no mass amount of any sweets.  It seems like another Christmas miracle to me but I know that it was just better choices.

I will be leaving in a day or so for the beautiful mountains God created for our enjoyment.  I'll need to keep focused and remind myself that if I can avoid over indulging I'll get that pound off and continue to make better choices.

I pray you felt the warmth of Gods love this Christmas and that the gift He gave us in Jesus would continue to spur you on in love, yes even love for yourself.  I have to love myself enough to take care of this body, it is a gift and more isn't always better.

Be blessed with a wonderful day. 

I love Jesus.

My heart is full and so is my tummy.  Tessa woke us up at 5am, poor little Zayin was sound asleep but Grandma didn't mind picking him up.  He needs to learn that this family is Christmas morning crazy, no point putting that off.  He may not understand it now...but he will.  I usually get up and wake up my kids, been doing that for years, this year my daughter took the mantle from me and I'm so proud of her.  Why sleep on Christmas morning when you can nap later. 

Todays Question:  "Do you know how amazing it is that God came in human form to save people like us?"

I sure do.  I know who I am and what a pooh pooh head I can be.  I'm so baffled that God would come for me and then die for me so I could come to Him.  Amazing.  Christmas is my favorite time of the year and the giving blesses me beyond measure.  Don't think I don't love the gifts I get because they are always very nice and appreciated, but I tell you giving to the people I love, and even to those I don't know, is just the best thing.  Not just at Christmas but all year long, Gods gift to me compels me to give and I can sure understand why He gives...love pure and simple.

I pray you all have a wonderful day with your families and the people you love the most.  If you can't be with the ones you love know that the one who loves you the most is always with you.  

I'm not weighing this morning because Tessa got us up at 5am as mentioned, we all woke to the sound of our stereo blasting Christmas music.  Why did I buy such good speakers?  Oh sidetracked again sorry, I didn't weigh because I forgot, it was too early to think, then after we opened presents I cooked the big breakfast we always have and then I sat down after I ate and cleaned up the big mess and went to blog, no way I'm weighing after eating bacon, eggs and toast for breakfast.  Yikes!

We are going away for a few days and I'll have no scale, so I will face the scale just before the New Year.  I will write if I can.  :)

Have a wonderful holiday....God is so good and His Son gave me the best gift I will ever receive.

Thank you Jesus for dying for me...thank you Father for the gift of your Son, and thank you Holy Spirit for your faithfulness to lead me and others to our Christ and Saviour.  He's amazing!

  

So Excited!

Only one more sleep and we will be up early and celebrating the birth of Jesus.  I love Christmas, I love my family, my friends and life in general, in spite of it's ups and downs...and no ups this morning and no downs...I weigh the same...13 pounds lighter.  Praise the Lord...for so many things.  :)

We have a white Christmas in Alberta, not surprising, but we have had brown ones and this true Albertan does not enjoy those.  White is the perfect color for Christmas, my apoligies to my fair weather friends.  I am so excited for the candle light service tonight and for the large gathering for Christmas dinner tommorow, and for the opening of presents.  I have to tell you I like presents but my favorite thing to do is to watch my children and grandchildren open theirs.  I get more excited for them than I do for myself.  It is truly better to give than to receive. 

I'm going to be short today because we are all busy with the preparations.  I just wanted you all to know that I'm so blessed to have you in my life.  I love the support I get from sharing my jourey with you and I truly feel like this New Year will be filled with renewal and new hope.  God is faithful, loves us without condition and will move...He always does...He remains the same and I'm sure that like me, you all need Him to move in your life as well.

Be blessed with a very Merry Christmas surrounded by the people you love the most.

And thank you to all those who can't be with their families because they are protecting ours.

Warm Heart

I love this time of year, what a blessed time it is.  Christmas has always been my favorite celebration, nothing better than a birthday party complete with the perfect gift....Jesus. 

Todays Question:  "Do you remember in the busyness why we should have peace?"

I forget sometimes.  Good thing the perfect gift we have keeps on giving. 

It has been a very busy last few days with lots of company and last minute preparations for our up- coming Christmas dinner for twenty four.  I praise God for a husband who cooks the meal and loves doing it.  I'm the clean up crew and it's a big job but I'm so full after the meal that I have to move.  We are a great team and I need to remember that as this busyness is making me a little crazy.  I seem to be having a hard time knowing that this will be the last Christmas we have in this house.  Remember we bought and are rennovating a farmhouse.  We will be in it next year.  Sniff.

I feel so blessed to have what will be a wonderful place to live, I truly do, but...the mother in me knows that this house is filled with memories of all my children growing up.  They won't go away but I love how they are triggered here, in this home.  I love how comfortable I am here, how safe I feel and how this is the home where my Calvin lived before he went home to Jesus.  This is the home where my Tessa and Gordon lived before they got married and moved away.  This is the house God gave us and I have felt so blessed to live here. 

It's time for change I realize and once again I struggle...it is hard to change when it's so comfortable where you are.  Isn't that a message that could be preached to the masses.  It's why I've been such a tubby bubby for so long, it's comfortable eating what I want.  Woe is me.  I am happy to report I'm still 13 pounds down.

In spite of my moanings I know how truly blessed I am to have a home, my family and our memories.  My heart is warm even though my eyes are a bit moist right now.  I will move forward and God will go ahead of me, He has blessed us so richly in so many ways.  Home is where my heart is and as long as the people I love the most are with me...any house, old or new, feels a little bit like heaven.

Be blessed with a warm heart and a wonderful day.

Why are you afraid?

The title is todays question and it is words that Jesus spoke to His disciples when the boat was in the storm.  We watched a wonderful message preached by Max Lucado, who is one of my favortie authors and also a gifted preacher.  He spoke about living without fear.  I needed that message. 

I have heard several message about the storm that had the disciples waking up Jesus to see if he cared.  His simple answer to that question, "Why are you afraid?"  I wish that I could sleep through storms, you know like when someone bothers you, irritates you or offends you.  It would be nice if I just slept peacefully every night like I do when there are no major concerns or issues in my life.  I find it difficult to be at peace even when someone I love or care about is having a difficult time.  Why don't I remember that I don't need to be afraid?  Why can't I see that the storm is raging but Jesus will calm it...when He's ready, not when I demmand.

I have been alive for a long time now, this blog is called fifty one pounds because that's how much weight I want to lose and that's how old I am.  It just seemed right to lose one pound for every year of my life.  You would think that all my experiences would have taught me to trust God.  I have never gone hungry, obviously.  I have never been homeless, I have never been left alone without a friend or someone who truly loves me.  Even when I chose to be alone I know with certainty that God is with me.  I have been surprised by the storms I have made it through and empowered in ways that I never imagined.  God is faithful no matter how great the storm to still it.  Sometimes it happens fast, sometimes it takes years or days.  The point is He always has a plan. 

I was reminded yesterday by that powerful message that, "Why are you afraid?", is  not a question.  It is a statement!  The only answer I can come up is because I'm a silly goose.  If I trusted Jesus to turn every storm into that still water that so calms the soul, I could live a life trusting that nothing and no one will ever be able to rob me of the peace that is offered, the kind that goes far beyond what I could ever ask for or imagine.

I love the storms, I have learned more on the other side of them than any calm waters could have taught me.  I'd be wise to remember that when I'm feeling afraid.

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

Surprise Visits

Not all surprises are good but it's a really good day when my sister and her kids come to visit.  This time Dave came too but sadly, no Tyler...we'll see him after Christmas though so Auntie Jen can make it.  Little Emma is lying beside me as I write and her pretty face and her beautiful smile makes my day so good...and I haven't even got up yet.  All three of my sisters girls are so beautiful and so much fun to be with.  They have been a constant source of joy for both Gord and I since the day they were born.  Tyler is 6'4 and one of the sweetest, funniest and most loving young men I know.  I often wonder how I got to be so blessed to have them in my life...mostly I'm just so grateful.

Amy and Sarah are still sleeping, we'll wake them up soon.  They came to go shopping at West Edmonton Mall and then go see Candy Cane lane.  Doesn't that just sound like fun, except the West Edmonton Mall part...yikes.  I'm sure it's a zoo with only 5 days till Christmas.  My cute little Emma was born on Christmas Day and she is such a blessing...almost as wonderful as Jesus.  I love surprises like my nieces and visits to see our new farmhouse. 

Todays Question:  "What do you think is your best surprise?"

I can tell you that mine usually have to do with people that I love, nothing makes me happier than being surprised by those same people...whatever they do for me I'm blessed.  Speaking of surprises...I am still down 13 pounds...and it's only 5 days till Christmas...I thought that by now I'd be packing at least 3 or 4 more pounds of holiday cheer/chocolate/baking.  But no...so now I must be very careful not to relax and over indulge.  I still have the holidays and the Christmas dinner to make it through...God help me.

I pray you have a great day full of good surprises and the people you love the most.

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

A Blanket of Warmth

I had a wonderful sleep last night from 10pm or so to 4:33am, turns out if you only get a few hours sleep the night before you don't need as much the next night.  I tried to go back to sleep but once the brain turns on it's hard to shut it off.  I got up and weighed, good news still down 13 pounds, then I came downstairs and let the dog out, I turned the outside light on to see the most beautiful big fluffy white snowflakes falling gently to the ground.  Our deck was covered with a blanket of snow and I felt this warmth sweep over me.  Everything in the world looked clean again. 

Todays Question:  "Do you ever wish the world had as many brain washes as it does car washes?"

I do!  That beautiful fluffy white stuff, that will need to be shoveled later, reminded me that it's a new day, everything looks different now and it's okay.  I can't describe how powerful those big flakes are when a light contrasts them, it is my favorite time to watch snow falling, when darkness illumates the character of each flake.  And I find myself asking another question, when the darkness in me is exposed what does my character look like?  My immediate answer is....that depends. 

I think that because I grew up watcing the snow fall it has become my character compass.  Children love snow and seem to only notice it's potential for fun.  We grow up and the snow falls and we see work, cold and poor driving conditions, only the snowmobilers and skiers seem happy.  This ought not to be my friends.  Snow in its stark contrast to all that is dark and dingy should remind us that we are cleansed, that our brains can be refreshed and settled, peace can be restored.  As I stood looking out the window I felt clean, yesterdays struggles didn't seem so significant and I felt like my brain had been to the car wash. 

My character is flawed, my Saviour is not.   I love that we will all be clothed in white and when we see Jesus we shall be like him, for we shall see him as He is.  I'm so grateful to God this morning for reminding me that in spite of my weaknesses I am covered in a blanket of warmth.  That blanket covers us all and it is His love my friends, "

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

I've Destroyed the Evidence!

I'm very happy to report that I am back to a 13 pound loss and the evidence from the five course meal is gone.  Oh Happy Day.  Who knew facing that scale every morning could be a good thing.  I used to think that scale was the problem...turns out I was.  Weird how that happens.

Todays Question:  "How many of you avoid the scale like I used to thinking you are doing great?"

What a huge deception that was for me.  I thought weighing on a regular basis was very bad because it was discouraging and a means of self-sabatoge.  I'd weigh once or twice a week, if I was down I ate cause I was happy, if I was up I ate cause I was mad, if I stayed the same I ate the same.  So I told myself it was bad to weigh.  Funny how I never made the food to mouth connection, funny in that sad kinda way.  I'm happy to report I was wrong, weighing every morning keeps you from convincing yourself that you are doing fine in spite of those chocolate bars and chips.  It is a reality check I think every person should take on a very regular basis. It also has given me that nudge I need to stop the feeding frenzy before it's too late.  When I stepped on that scale the morning after the five course meal the alarms went off...two days later so did the weight gain.  :)

The hardest thing for me is to be honest with myself when it comes to weight.  I feel slim in the morning because I haven't eaten all night, so if I avoid the scale, I can eat what I want for breakfast.  Now I weigh first thing in the morning and the scale helps me decide what my day will be like as far as food is concerned.  No one is more surprised than I am by that.  I loved blaming the scale but those days are over for me...I'm the problem and I can change. 

It is a very encouraging thing to discover that you can be in control of what you eat, I'm shocked, but encouraged.  I've been working on this change for over three months now and I have to say...I'm worth it.  I feel better, my clothes are fitting much better and my energy level is up.  I hope you discover that you are worth it as well.

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

How Much Does a 5 Course Meal Weigh?

The title is todays question...the answer is confusing.  Day before yesterday we had a Christmas dinner to go too.  It was so much fun and so well done.  We went to Rics Grill on the Southside, amazing!  The menu was preplanned, we still had a choice but there were 5 courses.  Yikes!  I could not, I mean seriously, say no to a pre-planned meal, throw in the fact that it was free and bam...recipe for disaster.

I was also very thirsty and for some weird reason drank 3 Virgin Ceasers, can someone say pass the salt, never mind the glass was already salted.  I knew I was in for trouble when a new day dawned and I'd be stepping on the scale.  I just went with the flow people, went with the flow.

Yesterday morning, well...I couldn't sleep so I was up at 5am, got home from the party and into bed well after midnight, not good.  I waddled my way to the scale and tried my best to step lightly, my swollen feet made it difficult to feel, up four pounds.  Oh dear!  I went back to bed, not writing my blog now, I'm going to sleep and weigh later.  Got up two hours later and waddled to the bathroom scale once again, thank God, only two pounds up now.  Where in the heck did that other two pounds go?  Seriously...I was sleeping.  Oh well you know what they say, "Never look a gift horse in the mouth?"  I decided I could blog about that but then the phone rang, then I had an apointment, then I had to watch Zayin while mommy went to violin lessons, then I went to the farm house to take supper to Gord and helped with some rennos.  Day gone, didn't blog.  And no...it was not because I gained because for whatever silly reason, it was okay that I'd gained.  That meal was totally worth it.

So this morning...up at 4am wrapped presents couldn't sleep, about to go back to bed it is 6:41am, I weighed and I'm now only a pound and a little bit up.  The salt is gone and the body is being restored....one good choice at a time.  My point, we will always have times in life when celebrations come.  I didn't go crazy but I enjoyed everything I ate...even my overly salty Virgin Ceasers.  That was one day, yesterday was another and today I press on, not forgetting that I have a goal and I will acheive it. 

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

Charlie Browns Teacher

Sometimes I feel like my favorite character from the Charlie Brown cartoons, yep, the teacher.  I quote her so often, mwaaah, mwah, waaah, mwah, nah, mwah, that's the closet I can come.  I love that she never says a word, it's like blah blah blah, but she doesn't even make it that clear.  I have noticed that there are times in my life when I know I'm talking but all I hear is Charlie Browns teacher.  I usually close my mouth when I hear that sound in my head. 

This morning I heard her voice as sooon as I hit the New Post button on my blog.  That's not a good sign.

Todays Question:  "Do you ever feel like you have nothing worthwhile to say?"

I do, especially since I started blogging.  Tessa tells me that I could become very narcissistic if I keep blogging about myself.  She'd just seen the movie Julia & Julie.  I assured her that I am way too self-deprivating to worry about that. 

My point, I am often surprised by how words affect people, even more surprised how actions do.  I know I shouldn't be but I am.  Writing this blog has helped me in so many ways, I write feeling one way and another person responds and what I've written stirred up a whole different set of feelings in them.  I often hear a sermon and while it's being spoken I'm hearing a whole different message inspired by one word or sentence said.  It's amazing how the mind works.

Some days I feel like I've mastered this eating right thing, others I feel like I've lost it.  I am still thirteen pounds lighter, and I'm very happy about that because those chocolates have been showing up way too often.  Telus sent me a free box for being a great customer, okay I chose them over a free night at the movies, mwah, mwa, blah, blah.  Once you've had a Purdy's chocolate you just want more, so while shopping at the mall yesterday I bought two almonds clusters.  I used to buy a whole bag so changes are being made...thank God.  I do find myself a little fearful about how I'll do through this wonderful season of plenty. 

Please mind don't wander off and forget your goals, please Lord help me not to become Charlie Browns teacher and mwah my way through clear direction to make good choices.  I'm going to need to stay focused so that I can report on January 1st, 2010 that I am still lighter.  I pray you are strengthened in whatever area you look for change as well.

Be blessed with a wonderful day....in spite of my ramblings.  :)

"You Cannot Possess What you Do not Pursue"

I heard that quote yesterday when I was flicking through the channels, John Hagee said it and I love it.  It is so true in so many ways.  I plan on making it one of my favorite quotes so you may hear it again and again.  Or I'll forget it in a few days, at my age that happens alot. 

I find myself amazed at how this pursuit of a healthy lifestyle, and a lighter load for my body to carry, has brought about change in other areas of my life.  I find I'm making several attitude adjustments as a result, nobody will be happier than my husband should I succeed. 

Yesterday we had lunch with the designer, aka my bff Lucie, and our kitchen builder, aka our good friend Henry, aka Lucie's husband.  Both are helping us so much in not only the design and building of our new farm house kitchen but also in keeping order, as opposed to kaos.  I was reminded yesterday that I lack patience, in the kindest way of course.  I want result baby and I want them now, that was my motto.  I'm taking baby steps to get the "p" word into my vocabulary, yep that would be patient, no one ever says that about me, weird hey.  I have accepted the good advice I received and I'm waiting for some other jobs to be done before the hardwood flooring goes down.  Henry says other things should be done first, something about order, go figure.

Todays Question:  "Do I like waiting to see results?"

Answer, not in the least but...I see the benefits, I understand all the whys and I'm willing to give the process a week.  I said I was taking baby steps. 

I realize that this lack of patience can be seen in so many areas of my life.  I hate how slow weight comes off, don't like the speed that some people get things done, can't hardly handle waiting for answers, have been know to mumble about slow people, won't even stand in a big line up, talk to traffic lights, get mad if anyone who I have an appointment with makes me wait more than 5 or 10 minutes, all those things and more send me into a tizzy, or I have a spass, as my children love to call it.  Boy do I need to pursue patience.   It is really something I need to possess.

Funny how I have an abudance of patience for myself...funny in that, PLEASE GOD HELP ME kinda way.

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

The New Word for Lost

I just finished the wonderful breakfast in bed that most adoring husband cooked for me.  I'm so spoiled and I love my husband so much.  A great man is a great blessing.  I was thinking, after I ate all my breakfast of course, that it was a good thing I got up and weighed before I ate.  I am still down thirteen pounds and that was such a relief.  I wondered when I lost one pound after another if I would find them as quickly, some things should really stay lost. 

Todays Question:  "Does anyone else not like the word lost?"

I think it's one of those dual meaning words.  Like tear a strip off and my eyes tear up, only it's not defined as such.  I always find that when I've lost something I'm looking for it, I have to find it.  If someone else loses something I want to know if they found it.  I don't like when something is lost.  I'm so glad that Jesus came to seek and to save that which was lost...so glad.  I never liked it when people said they were sorry I'd lost my son.  I never lost my son, I know exactly where he is.  I knew those people were not trying to upset me, they were trying to comfort me, I'm the one who does not like the word lost. 

I need to find a new word to define my weight losses, maybe reductions, too big, how about my weight droppings, kinda gross.  I don't mind saying I'm a down a pound but then if I'm down does that lead to depression, do you see what I mean about words?  If I could tell you my weight I could just post it, not likely that's going to happen anytime soon though.  I need a new word...something encouraging, something positive and something that dosen't send a message to my brain that I should find what I lost. 

I got it...took me awhile...but I got it.  I am thirteen pounds....lighter.  Yay, lighter, that's not heavy.  It makes me feel happy, you know cause I'm lighter.  It makes me feel hopeful because in every sense light is a great word.  It helps people to see, makes burdens easier to carry and shines new hope into the darkness.  Why didn't I start with that, oh well better late than never.

From now on I will be lighter and God knows I have no desire to be heavier.

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

Reluctant to Tell - WHY?

Todays Question:  "Why am I not wanting to report yet another loss?"

Only answer I can come up with is fear.  Wish I had a differennt answer but I know that is the right one so I'm confessing.  I am afraid to be down another pound so soon after yesterdays one pound loss.  I have now lost 13 pounds.  Blast that unlucky number thirteen, must be the reason for my fear, silly superstition. (Kidding)

So, time to disect this fear.  I realize it's the weekend so maybe I think I'll gain it back so no point in reporting it, that answer equals....FEAR.  Don't want to look like a "loser" in the not so wonderful sense of the word when it comes to weight.  I fear that is more true than I'd like to admit.  I guess I still have some issues with what people will think.  I really thought I didn't care.  This morning is starting out as a personal growth day, "Why?"  (She said screaming as she ran through her house pulling her hair.)

I think I'm wanting to suceed and I'm scared to succeed at the same time.  I have to tell you that this is not the first time I have not wanted to report when I'm down.  If that marker is even a hair off I don't call it a pound loss.  I told myself I was being honest, reporting only the facts, turns out I was afriad and clinging to my previous successes.  I'd rather stay at the same weight than report a loss that isn't comfortably over whatever weight I was the day before .  How sad is that?  Turns out I'm a regular scaredy cat.

Oh and while I'm being honest and brave, I'm scared to tell you all how much I weigh.  It is a subject that has been avoided like the plaque and I'm "afraid" it is not over yet.  I'm not ready for you to know.  Fear!  Boy personal days are painful.  I'm sure that some of you have wondered how much I weigh, I know it would have been the first thing I thought about if you were blogging about your weight.  I like to measure every success by the end result.  Rear end, front end, I like to know. 

So now what?  I'm not sure, I never saw this post coming, I'd have liked some warning.  I think I'm going to have to face these fears and suck it up, as my pretty daughter would say.  The princess needs to get off her throne and stop being so afraid, lest she land on her padded fanny.  I will continue to face these fears as they come up. I'm not ready to post what I weigh but I will one day.  I quote the Grinch, "That's enough Max, one step at a time."

Be blessed with a wonderful and fearless day.





 

Did they say Eat Right or Yeah Right?

Bet you thought I had a bad day yesterday with that title...I didn't I lost a pound for a total of 12 pounds lost.  Remember thursday Grandma has no time to eat, an adorable little one year old keeps her moving. (I was kidding about having no time to eat, like that would happen.)  Zayin is very good at making Grandma eat better though, since I want nothing but the healthy foods for him.  It's funny how everyone thinks we grandparents are all about junk, my husband says that can only happen if we are not babysitting.  Smart and handsome, no wonder I love him. 

I'm remembering this morning a young second cousin of mine, who at the time was not a man of faith but wanted his about to be born baby to go to church.  I asked him this question, "You are concerned about your unborn babys soul but you are not worried about your own?"  He smiled at me and said.  "Yes, that's right."  There was nothing I felt to say to that but it amazed me.  He has four kids now and they all attend church with mom an dad, God is so good.  I find myself thinking about him this morning as I consider how I want the best foods for Zayin, Shannon, Nicholas, DJ and Joshua, but I fight to eat right myself.  I am like my second cousin, I want better for my grandchildran than I do for myself.  There is something very wrong with that picture, once again it's me.  It would appear that I have indeed heard wrong, it is eat right and not yeah right.  Rats!

Todays Question:  "Why is it so hard to do the right thing?"

I was going to say regarding food, but I find it hard to do the right thing in so many areas of my life.  I would have to say that the hardest struggle for me, after eating right, is driving with a good attitude.  I can get mad at bad drivers in a fraction of a second.  It's not pretty.  I hear myself say the words, moron, idiot, get a license, learn to drive you ding dong, what the heck is the matter with you, etc.  I don't swear but boy do I feel like it.   Oh and I love to give dirty looks, shake my head and smack my lips, I avoid hand gestures in case they are packin.  Pitiful isn't it?

I am finding that once you start to look at what you are doing wrong in one area, the microscope seems to move on its own to other areas.  Could someone tell me who invented blogging, me and my car would like to know.  I'm kidding, I actually love having to think each morning about the changes I need to make in my life.  It is really good for my soul.  I am going to master this eating right thing one day at a time and nobody better say...yeah right.  :)

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

No bite!

So I think I've mastered the eleven pounds down, could we please move on.  I'm speaking to my metabolism since it appears to be stuck in another one of those ruts it so loves to sit in.  Wouldn't it be nice if speaking was all it took? 

I have a whole new list of things to keep me active now, so that's good.  I will be running from house to farm house on a regular basis until the rennos are done.  Did I tell you that we inherited the farm dog with the farm house.  Her name is Trixie and we love her, she looks horribly scarey because she always shows her teeth when she barks.  I wouldn't get out of the car the first time we went to look at the house because I thought she'd eat me.  The real estate agent assured me that she was nice.  Turns out Trixie loves to smile, she is so happy to see people that she starts smiling as soon as she thinks they are driving into her yard. 

Todays Question:  "Are you ever pleasantly surprised to find that things are not what they appear to be?"

I sure am.  We liked that silly smiling dog so much we asked if we could have her with the farm and her owner was very happy to give her to us because Trixie has been there all her life.  So if you come to visit she is all bark and no bite.  Her plan is to smile you to death.  Don't you wish there were more people like that? 

I am hoping that things are not what they appear in many areas of my life.  I want to be like Trixie, smiling and happy to see anyone who God would bring across my path.  I would love nothing more than to be as genuine as she is in her love for visitors.  Even if people thought I was not friendly or open at first, it would be great if everything they thought of me was proved wrong by my smile.  I have so much work to do on the inside and on the outside.  I pray for strength to be a willing and happy participant in my life.  I long to embrace a new attitutde, and a new heart.  I think Trixie will be a good reminder for me that smiling and welcoming everyone is the first step. 

Be blessed with a wonderful day.  Remember all bark...no bite.  ;)

More Please!

No not more food you silly, more awareness.  I'm looking to be fully aware, to watch not only what I eat, but what I say, how I act and what I do.  I would like to be aware of how I present myself, to pay attention to what others think of my behavior.  I want to know that my children and grandchildren see God's love when they see me and here is the hard one...I want Gord to know that I love him by my actions not just by my words.  I so often get convicted that of all the people I love in this world, he's the one I treat the worst.  I've got the training to know better and still I can excuse that away with these words, "I love him the most that's why he sees the worst of me." 

Todays Question:  "Do you ever justify treating your husband, children or friends badly because you love them so much?"

You know the saying, you only hurt the ones you love.  How stupid is that.  It should say, you willingly hurt the ones you love because they love you enough to put up with it.   Should that be a truth in your life?  It shouldn't be in mine and I need to grow up enough to treat the people I love the best and treat those I don't know yet, like they may be someone I love one day.  Wouldn't that be great?

I'm asking for more please Lord, I want to remember how very blessed I am to have a man who loves me so much, does so much for me, works so hard for his family and spoils me in everyway he knows how.  I want more power to shut my mouth, to food yes, but above all to hurtful words, to stinky attitudes and the thoughtless and cruel comments that spew out from my lips, they would be so much prettier if they were closed.  If you think I had a fight with Gord know that I didn't, I just hear myself sometimes and wonder why he puts up with me. 

I'm finding success in denying myself.  Didn't really think there was any way someone could be successful and deny themselves...who knew?  I thought more was more, not less.  Turns out I need more wisdom as well.  Balance is more!  Help me Lord to balance my tounge, my heart, my mind and my appetite.  Set a guard over my mouth Lord that I might not sin against you, I need to be more...like you.

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

STOP IT!

Last night I went to a Ladies Christmas banquet, I won the centre piece, that was a first.  Shocking and very nice at the same time.  My friend Rachel bought me a ticket and it was a beautiful night.  The testimony of the women speaking, Ardele Quiquley, I hope I spelt that right, was sad, remarkable, made me so angry and empacted me greatly.  Her story was one of absolute rejection and abuse from her parents for 98% of her life.  I will not go into the details but I will say that there are people in this world who don't deserve children.  I grabble to understand why people neglect their own because my kids are the best thing that ever happened to me, and so is their dad.  I can't even begin to describe what my grandchildren have done to my heart. 

It is an understatement for me to say that when I hear about people abusing babies, little kids, teenagers and adult children I get mad.  I often want that rope that Jesus said would be tied around their necks if they harmed the little ones, I want to pick the rock that's on the other end, and if I could lift them I'd want to cast them into the sea.  Something deep inside me just rages and I struggle to remember that I am supposed to be merciful.  My beautiful daughter is also very wise, she told me I'd be hurting people who are hurting, I know that she's right.  I have years of training and still my first thought when I hear about the things people do to children is to shoot on sight.  Good thing I"m not packin. 

Todays Question:  "Why would anyone want to hurt a child?"

I want the answer, I know it's because they were hurt, but why don't they choose to do better than their abusers.  Why don't they decide to be better, to act better and value children in the same way they wanted to be valued?  I don't get it and I don't want too. 

I know this does not have alot to do with weight loss.  I'm eating better, making better choices and working to makes the changes I need too to overcome this area of weakness in my life.  I would love more than anything to inspire anyone and everyone who abuses children, like I sometimes abuse food, to have the same goals and make better choices.  Look at the gifts you have, a healthy body is a gift and is one that should not be abused.  A child is a treasure, the best gift you will ever get, second only to Jesus.  There are many types of abuse, emotional, physical and spiritual and so many ways to be abusive in all areas, to ourselves and to others.  Can I just say....."STOP IT!"  No one gets away with abuse in any form, that includes me.  I'm God's child and abusing myself counts, God help us all to stop the abuse in any and every way possible.

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

Fearless

The area of my life where I need to become fearless is kinda weird for me.  I weighed this morning and I think I'm down 12 pounds, I'm afraid to admit it and since I can still see that tiny space between the line I'm clinging to 11 pounds.  I discovered this morning as I stood looking at how close I am to a 12 pound loss that I'm afraid to be down again.  It's either because I don't want to report another gain, or I'm struggling with my own success.  In reality both are true. 

Todays Question:  "Are you afraid of succeeding?"

I think in my case the answer is a resounding yes, not in every area of my life but certainly in some.  I wish they were not such important areas but they are.  I know my giftings and I like to sit on them, if I don't use them I can't fail.  If I don't put my thoughts, feelings or ideas out there...no risk of being hurt.  So I live in fear and don't like to admit it.  Fear of succeeding, pretending I'm safer not to bother.  No pain ....no pain!  That seems to be my motto and I'm not so comfortable with it anymore.  It seems to me like I'm the person who got their talent from Jesus and buried it, just to keep it safe.  I don't want to look at how harshly that servant was dealt with and I certainly don't like the thought that someone else will get my gift if I don't use it.  Reality is hitting me hard this morning.

So now what?  It's time to move, acknowledge that I have been gifted, just like you, and if I want to receive other gifts as I use the one I have, I must be going forward.  I have got to embrace my gifts, my successes and remeber they are gifts.  A gift is something you don't brag about, you don't deny it, but you don't act like it had something to do with you.  I have been entrusted with and given a gift from God and I have not been faithful with it.  If you have been neglecting your gifts because of your fears...like me...then I pray you would join me in becoming fearless regarding those giftings.  Failure defined in this world does not even remotely resemble Gods point of view.  I fail when I don't do...not don't try...don't do. 

So do and so act like it does not matter what the result is...just keep doing.  That is my new definition of fearless. 

Be blessed with a wonderful day using your gifts for His glory.

                                      Jenny    :)

Diabolical

This morning I was going to put some stocking stuffers on the stairs when I heard the sound of my husbands footsteps.  I decided that since he was up I should sneak up the stairs and wait outside our bedroom door.  Why?  To scare the beejeebers out of him, that's why.  I stood quietly giggling for no less than five minutes.  I thought he would just put on his housecoat and head downstairs, that's what he normally does, instead he got dressed, and did his morning things in my bathroom, how rude.  Did he know I was waiting outside the door about to burst.  Nope, I yelled, "Good morning sweetheart!", as he opened the door, jumped back and grabbed his heart.  I laughed and he got that same silly look on his face he always gets after I scare him.  I love that game.  Never grows old.  I told him I'd been standing outside the door for five minutes waiting, he asked me if it was worth it and I said, "Absolutely". 

Todays Question:  "Does that seem diabolical to you?"

I like the definition, "outrageously wicked", not so big on the devilish one, it isn't that bad to scare someone. 

I weighed in this morning after party night and I'm very happy to report that I'm still down eleven pounds. Yay!  I didn't even struggle at the party.  Said no thanks when Gord brought me an extra potatoe on his plate cause he was having seconds.  Didn't stay late to get dessert, didn't eat chocolate when I got home to make up for no dessert, and had an orange and a cup of tea for my snack.  Yikes, what's happening to me?  Don't want to speak too soon but I may be getting this eating right thing.  I'm sure feeling stronger, and that's not normal for me during this season of baking and chocolates. 

I am surprised to report that I even feel happy that my weight loss is slow.  Not rushing to lose the weight like I have for so many years, taking one day at a time and not beating myself up when I make a wrong choice, is working.  Praise God.  I am certain that another reason for my slow but steady weight loss is knowing that I don't get to quit.  I have no choice, even when I have bad days, I can't quit and that has been so good for me.  Weird hey?  No one is more surprised than I am.

I appreciate all your prayers my friends and your support during this process, knowing that other people are following me on this journey makes it so much easier to stay accountalbe. 

I pray you are blessed greatly today as I feel so blessed and grateful for your help.

                                                           Love Jenny

Another Christmas Party

It's party number two tonight and I'm feeling stronger, staying on the wagon for the last one has given me hope.  I need to make sure it's not false hope.  I love the holiday season, it's my favorite time of the year.  It is so much fun to dress up.  I got the cut and color yesterday and the facial, life is good. 

I have a beautiful little boy making cute little stirring noises beside my bed.  Zayin spent the night as his mommy has an early morning class.  It's so fun to make him a special bed beside us, the other cute man in my life is gone to work already.  I love the quietness of morning and those little whimpers, that only sound nice coming from a baby, are so peaceful.  I love the hope a new day brings, I love wondering what will happen and I'm especially fond of the fact that God has this day planned out already. 

I think I like the morning so much because it's like hitting the restart button, whatever I messed up yesterday I can fix today.  Whatever I did wrong yesterday can inspire me to do it right today.  No point in agonizing over yesterdays woes, restart and make today better. 

I'm so happy to report that I'm no longer pushing eleven pounds I'm closing in on twelve, not quite there yet but it still feels good.  I have to admit I'm a little happy that I'm not at twelve, remember the Christmas party I have tonight.  I plan to eat, enjoy myself and practice moderation and self control.  Prayer would be appreciated and I will be on the team.

I pray this day brings you the desires of your heart and I also pray that you would be surprised by those desires.

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

The Application

Yesterday I wrote about slapping my own hand when I reached for those free goodies.  I was instantly convicted as I re-read what I wrote that I  need to follow through with the application of what I put in my blog.  I failed horribly last night at following my own advice.  Chantel my beautiful pregnant daughter-in-law had a jewelry party with her sister Cassie and they filled a snack table with so many yummy treats.  I forgot to repeat my new prayer mantra, you know the "it's not free food" one.  Oh there were healthy snacks and I had few morsels, but the sour candies and the bread with spinach dip, well, that's all I have...well.

Todays Question:  "Do you think I gained weight?"

I sure did, I was not looking forward to the morning.  I"m very happy to report that I did not gain any weight.  I'm sure it is because I resisted the cookies I bought for the people at Gord's office.  Maybe it's because I did not eat the brownies Chantel's mom makes that are so amazing.  I was going to bring some home for Gord but I knew it was a trick, once those brownies were sitting beside me on the drive home, well lets just say,  "What brownies honey, there were no brownies." 

I was very surprised at how quickly I forgot what I wrote yesterday morning.  I usually re-read what I write to help prepare my mind for the next blog, I had honestly forgotten what I wrote.  It hit me smack dab in the middle of that very uncomfortable place.  You know the one, when someone tells you what you said and you deny it, then they give you a you a word for word account and your brain snaps on.  I'm not a fan of that let me tell you.  Don't like it at all actually. 

So, todays lesson for me?  Application!  It's a powerful action word, one I normally embrace with both arms, unless food is involved and then I seem to move both hands to mouth.  I'm going to rejoice in the things I didn't do wrong yesterday and focus on them.  I'll remember I said no to some very delightful things and applied what I knew.  What's done is done and I can't change it...I can learn from it.

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

The Sneaky Snacks

I have noticed that those sneaky little Christmas snacks are finding their way into my hand or onto my plate...as of late.  Oh dear, I don't like those sneaky snacks, well I do but I'm concerned about how much difference they'll make when I step on that other thing I don't like, that would be the scale. 

Todays Question:  "Can you tell I haven't weighed in yet?"

Maybe today I'll just "weigh in" with my opinion to change it up a bit.  I'm doing it for you, I certainly don't mind weighing in.  Ha!  Okay fine, I'll be right back.  (She said as she sat her computer on her pillow beside her massage chair, she was hoping the pounds would be massaged off. Good luck with that!)

So the full moon out my bedroom window this morning is amazing, that's  not something I've ever seen before and I've lived here for over 14 years now.  Now where were we...the scale yes that's right, I am pushing it but I remain at 11 pounds down.  Praise the Lord.  This is why I weigh everyday and not once a week, can't imagine how I would lie to myself if I had a week to accountability.  Oh wait a minute did I say I couldn't imagine, let me change that, 30 plus years of diets have shown me clearly that once a week weigh ins don't work at all for my delusional mind. 

I will be slapping my own hand for the rest of the week if I reach for those free chocolates or goodies that seem to be everywhere.  I have yet another Christmas party this weekend and that means more yummy free food.  I have got to get that "f" word, as in free, out of my head.  It's not free, it's not free, it's not free, that's going to have to be my meditation mantra.  We all know I'll pay in the "end" if I don't.

Be blessed with a wonderful day.  Jesus loves you.

P.S  Thanks to my beautiful daughter Tessa who made my blog so pretty and ready for Christmas.  She is one of the best gifts I ever got.

God is Greater

I had a horrible dream last night, woke myself up to end it.  Found myself realizing how very strong the enemy is, instantly remembered that God is greater.  No matter what battle you face, be it personal, physical as in eating right, or spiritual...GOD IS GREATER!!!

I was happy Gord was beside me this morning and hadn't left for work yet.  It was good to know he was there but as I pondered how strong this man in my dream was, abusing his wife, his children and pretty much anyone who stood in his way, I realized that Gord couldn't protect me and I certaintly couldn't protect myself.  As my mind pondered how very great God is I remembered King David, how he killed a lion and a bear as he watched over the sheep under his care.  I also remembered how he went to battle Goliath with his sling shot.  I realized that it was not David who killed any of those powerful enemies, it was God.  David knew that no enemy, animal or human was greater than his God.  "You come against me with a sword, a spear and a javelin, I come against you in the name of the living God, the God of the armies of Israel."  He does not even mention his slingshot, he knew it was only the tool God used to deliver him from his enemies and tools are good.

Todays Question:  "How often do you think your husband, your dead bolts, the police or your alarm system will protect you?"

It's just a question from a lady who had a horrible dream about an enemy so strong that guns, multiple officers, and me bending fingers to break them only to discover he didn't care, couldn't stop him from abusing his family.  Nothing helped and no one seemed able to defeat this enemy, this horrid person, who by the way looked just like Gord's favorite home repair man, yep sorry honey it was Holmes on Homes.  It's okay because I know he's a nice man in real life so don't worry.  

My point?  We will all face many enemies and they will all be different.  If it's not lions, bears or Goliaths it will be sickness, depression, anxiety, self-condemnation or any number of other problems or disorders a day can bring forth.  I struggle in so many areas, I'm up and happy one moment, battling to control my emotions the next, blasted life changes, I do know that this too shall pass.  I will get to my destination safe and sound in spite of what happens along the way.

I am a child of the Most High God and I will overcome not by my own strength but by His because God is Greater and I will look to Him.  "No weapon formed against me shall prosper."  "Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world."

I press on knowing He has gone ahead of me.  I'll bet when God looks at me he already sees me fifty one pounds lighter.  I love knowing that God has a plan and He will bring it to fruition.

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

Marriage and Dieting

These are my thoughts this morning, committing to eat better and get this weight off is alot like committing to your partner in marriage.  I have good days during this process and I've had not so good days, Gord would confirm that also happens in our marriage.  I overindulge on both counts, too much of Gord can be bad for me and too much of me can be bad for him, too much food...same story.  Balance is needed in marriage and in food.  Sometimes my husband is more pleasing to me than a banana split, a jar of Cheez Whiz and a freshly baked loaf of bread, sometimes I need to eat all three of those to curb the anger he seems able to stir up in a second.  I love Gord and I love food.  Both are so satisfying to me and both are necessary for my health and happiness.  Marriage is hard work and eating right is hard work...in both cases the rewards are great.

Todays Question:  "Do you get mad at your husband and instantly look for something to eat like I do?"

I think this morning I have discovered why?  Gord is the person in this world who comforts me the most, and beleive this or not my friends, when I'm not happy with him I look for the second most comforting thing in the world...FOOD!  Okay some of you were not surprised by that answer but I was.  Duh!  I never thought of that before, never put those two things together.  Now that my brain is on I realize that anytime I'm upset with someone I really love, or they are upset with me for that matter, I'm looking in the fridge.  I want to feel better.  I have heard a million times that food equals comfort, I never disected it before, turns out I should have.

So now what?  Well, I'm going to pay attention.  I'm going to remember that Gord, in all his great husband splendor is not the comforter the Holy Spirit is. Jesus left for all of us the only comforter we need.  I am once again asking the Lord for forgiveness.  What a beautiful gift we have waiting with open arms to embrace us.  I'm shutting the fridge and running to the Holy Spirit when I need comfort from now on.  Please help us never to forget how ready you are to comfort and hold us Lord.

Be blessed with a wonderful embrace from the Holy Spirit today.

When I get to Sunday.

It is such a good feeling to wake up Sunday morning, weigh in and find I'm still down eleven pounds.  My fellow dieters, change your life stylers or eat healthiers, know what I'm talking about.  The weekends are hard nuts to crack.  They are tough cookies to crumble, and they can get hot enough to cook an egg on.  I think I'm hungry and it's time for my husband to make me my Sunday breakfast. 

Todays Question:  "Do you love and hate the weekends when it comes to food?"

I sure do.  I find that weekdays are for serious business, work, school, counseling, writing, chores and running around.  My focus is on tasks, on the weekends it's on fun stuff, which always includes food.  Don't get me wrong I love the weekends in every other way, they are for parties, family time, movies, grandkids, friends and last but certainly not least...Jesus!   I mean I really love the weekends, I just hate that I often rest from watching what I eat.   I need to remember that Sundays always remind me of what truly matters in life. 

I don't want you to spend too much of your precious Sunday reading, but I do want you to know that no matter how your week or weekend was, we have a God who loves us beyond compare.  A God who is pleased with us no matter how much we weigh, exercise, work, play or simply be.  He loves us perfectly because He sees us through the lense of His son Jesus Christ.  I am so blessed by that fact...so blessed.  I pray this morning that you know the UNCONDITIONAL love of God in a powerful way.  I pray you know that you are and always will be His hearts desire.  I pray that when you get to Sunday you would find your rest in Him and remember you are not saved by works but by grace.  I always need to remember that and stay balanced.

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

It's not under my Belt.

I am happy to report that I did not gain an ounce after two parties last night, in fact I'm down a quarter of a pound.  I don't count those on paper but I do in my head, especially after I was surrounded by food and found none under my belt this morning.  Praise God.  I am still down eleven pounds and I'm very sorry I forgot to blog yesterday...maybe you didn't notice.  :)

Todays Question:  "Do you think prayers for Jenny not to overindulge get answered?"

I can tell you the answer is yes.  Thanks MistE and Wendy, and anyone else who prayed for me when I asked.  I'm surprised by how God answered but so happy this morning that He did.  I had no problem at the first party, it was supper and I was suppose to eat.  I did eat and I did make a healthy choice.  I was satisfied when I left to go to the next party, not overly full.  I call number two the hard party, temptation was every where and I really wanted to give in.  It was a supper party as well, we arrived just in time for dinner.  Gord was very happy about that as he ate two suppers last night and didn't mind a bit.  I however sat downstairs on the couch with Christan, thank God she was there, and since she didn't want to go up stairs because she was full I stayed with her.  Well most of me, my head kept walking up stairs to see what Gord was eating.  Thankfully the prayers were answered and my body never took that journey. 

Party two and the second prayer answered.  Although I managed to sit with Christian and avoid the food upstairs, a "problem" slash "opportunity" presented itself when Christan decided to leave for her dance party.  The problem, she was leaving, the opportunity, she was going upstairs.  My brain was sure some food would be left, I wanted dessert, I never had any at party number one.  I was also hoping some wonderful items may be left out from dinner.  I was almost excited...did I say almost...ooops my bad.  I think I skipped up the stairs but I can't remember, my mind was on the food.  La...la...la...!  I rounded the  corner hoping to see a table full of leftovers...I got a platter of desserts and little bowl of After Eights.  I admit not a horrible sight, but not the smorg I was hoping for.  Another prayer answered. 

I had two small squares, they were not what I wanted.  I didn't get to take the plate of After Eights downstairs, I did get to carry the platter of treats, I didn't really like them so no problem.  It seems God answers prayers with a twist, I still wanted the food, but the food was being shuffled around me, what I got I didn't care for so I never had the opportunity to over do it.  Weird, I thought I'd settle for anything just to overeat, not so my friends not so.  God is good and once again I'm reminded that His moves are so much greater than mine.  I'm so happy to say that the food from the parties is... "not under my belt." 

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

                                          

It's Amazing.

I lost a pound and I crossed the ten pound barrier!  Now the challenge is to stay in the double digits as far as weight loss goes and not to revisit that ten pound marker again....please Lord.  I have a Christmas party this weekend and a birthday dinner so I'll be needing to keep a clear head.  My plan is to tie my hands together and crazy glue my mouth shut.  That should work.  :)

Todays Question:  "Do you think it's good to be beleiving you'll fail before you even start?"

I know the answer is...NO!  I think that after so many years of not doing so well at these food events, let's face it that's what they are, I'm what the law would call a "repeat offender".  I'm going to have to exercise a part of me that is extrememly out of shape this weekend.  That would be my "self-control".  I'd rather climb fifty flights of stairs, it's easier. 

I'm hoping that talking with you about it before the events start, will enable me to stay focused.  I need to remember that I have to face the scale after the parties, not before.  I have a great memory 90% of the time but when it comes to food I like to forget what I ate.  You know I only ate 4 little shrimps, two cheese balls, one or two chocolates, or was it ten?  In reality I remember every treat I stuff in my face,  what I'm wanting is a  "selective" memory, you know the kind of memory that dosen't exist. 

I am going to stay focused, please pray.  I am going to try things, in moderation.  I am going to remember that I truly want to lose fifty one pounds.  I am going to remember that I finally left the ten pound zone.  I'm going to remember how good that feels.  I am going to succeed!

I pray God blesses you all with a wonderful day filled with success.


                                        Jenny

O' Christmas Tree

Well last night I spent 4 hours decorating my Christmas tree and I'm still not done.  I think my tree is too big and my ornament collection has grown to an unmanagable number.  It's time to down size but since I've got so many memories attached to them it's hard.  Oh woe is me Christmas tree.

Todays Question:  "Does anyone other than me cry when they decorate the tree?"

I sure hope I'm not the only sap.  I usually do okay until I get to the ornaments that have pictures of my kids on or in them.  I manage my tears when I place their baby ornaments stratigically, I'm holding together as I put all the ornaments from the places we've visited up, but when I get to the ornaments the kids made me when they were in school...yep...I lose it.  I'm what they call a gonner.  The Christmas music we've listened to over and over again for years solidifies the deal and the festival of tears has begun.  What a baby!

I'd like to tell you this does not happen every year, I go in with a strong countenance, this year I had the tree up for two days before I got Gord to hang the lights and put up the angel.  I was trying to avoid the pain I'm sure.  I can't beleive how fast my kids grew up, my babies have and are having babies, my first born has been with Jesus for ten years and I miss him soooo much.  Life is as unpredictable as which strand of lights will or won't work at Christmas. 

I glad this morning that my weight stayed the same, down ten pounds.  I'm also glad that life doesn't.  Change is good, and although the changes don't always make sense to me, I trust God.  He knows what He's doing and when things don't make sense to me I remember, He ALWAYS has a plan.

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

                                                 I LOVE CHRISTMAS

                                                         

It's About Balance.

It is simple to place blame on the things we do in our lives, it is difficult to put the blame where it belongs, on ourselves.  We lack balance and so when we overdo in any area, we blame the tv, the computer, the fridge, the pantry or the smorgasband of things this world has to offer.  And it's not all about food.

I can waste time doing any number of things, I think the solution is to get that "thing", whatever it may be out of my life.  The problem is not the thing, the problem is me.  I don't motivate myself and so like a good human I blame something or someone else.  I can play silly games on facebook and waste hours, seriously.  Before you judge me to harshly ask yourself, how much time do you waste reading, ooops that's supposed to be good for you isn't it.  However, if you read all night long and neglect the proper rest your body needs, the chores you wanted to get done, or the people who need your attention, what difference does it make.  I mean is it better to play a game and waste time or read and waste time?  For that matter, is it better to watch two or three hours of television and waste time, or is it better to sleep in, loosing two or three hours of daylight.  I think it's about balance.

Todays Question:  "How often do you see something as bad because you enjoy it?"

For me the answer is way too often.  I enjoy playing mindless games after a busy day, so shoot me, I do.  It helps me to unwind.  I enjoy Monday night television, I like House and Lie to Me.  I don't watch too many other shows at night cause nothing grabs my interest.  Once my day is done, my dinner is cook, the mess is cleaned, I'm ready to relax and unwind.  I need me time.  That can be soaking in the tub, playing a game, reading, tv, horsey riding, etc.  It does not matter what method I use to unwind, it matters that I keep them balanced.  It matters that I have my priorities straight, when I lose site of that I've got a problem.

Right now my priority is getting this extra weight off, it does not consume the majority of my time, but it is a constant.  I have not forsaken other priorities to obtain it, I still have a household to run, counseling to do, details to take care of.  I'm still chief cook and bottle washer, still mom, still grandma, still a friend and still a wife.  Not facebook, the TV, the tub, the radio, the books, the games or the couch, causes me to forget that.  Not one of those things has priority over the people in my life, or the tasks I need to do.  They are great tools for putting off tasks for a time, but sooner or later I'll have to get back to them.  Unless I lose something more important than weight...that would be balance. 

So my goal is to stay balanced in all things, you decide if it should be your goal as well.

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

Change is Good

I wish I could say that the scale is changing, it didn't, but that is one of those good/bad things, it didn't go up, it didn't go down.  I changed though, so that is good, this time, I'm sure someone out there could think of a way I changed that may not have been so good. 

I am feeling so much better about this process, I'm waiting for the scale to reflect it and I know that will come if I continue.  I'm still eating what I want for those of you who wonder about my choices.  I've put nothing off limits and made moderation the key.  I am a very healthy eater for the record so I'm avoiding junk and fast foods.  I have had a filet of fish from McDonalds once or twice over the past 80 plus days, I'm not concerned about that.  If I want a dessert I choose it wisely, except for those blasted little chocolate bars from Halloween.  I'm happy to report those are long gone.

Todays Question:  "Why did I go on so many diets that restricted what I could eat?"

I have to tell you I hated every one, some were better than others but really, I need to make my own choices and I need to control that, not someone else.  It does work for others and I'm happy for them, my journey has taught me that it does not work for me.  As soon as I'm told I can't have something that is precisely what I want.  With a passion!

The hardest part of this process has been making the right choices, quantity not quality is my issue.  I want too much of those good things, and isn't that just a perfect picture of what life can become if we are not careful.  All about how much as opposed to how wise, the greed versus the need.  Why do I give in to that so much?  I'm going to find the answer to that question.  I'll get back to you when I do.

It would appear that I am still feeding the flesh and not listening to the Spirit.  I have got to learn to be content.  And that means to truly see and be happy with what I "have" and stop focusing on what I don't.  I see how truly blessed I am with my husband, my children, my friends and my home, remarkable gifts.  I missed what a blessing it is to have food to choose from.  You'd think after a trip to Africa to feed the poor I'd have gotten that wouldn't you?  You see my freinds...change is good.

Be blessed with a wonderful and content day.

Inspiration

There are so many things that inspire me, and here I sit thinking what will inspire my writing this morning?  I'm searching my mind and coming up a little short.  It's days like these that make me wish I could get these fifty one pounds off quickly, the thought of coming up with something worthwhile to write for what could be a year is daunting to say the least.  I'm happy to report that I can stand firmly on the scale and I'm staying at that ten pound loss.  I am slowly becoming more active.


Todays Question:  "Was that last sentence an oxymoron?"

I'm sure it was close.  I can honestly tell you that having to lose the same ten pounds no less than four times during this process makes me feel like a  moron.  I guess this is a lesson in perseverance for me, I have quit many times in the past when I saw pounds coming back, not sure what I thought that would "gain" me, other than weight.

Learning to look inward and quitting the blame game is helping me during this process, more than I expected it would.  I no longer sit and feel sorry for myself, I'm not blaming my genetic make up, my husband on those "rare" days in bugs me, my children for growing up and moving out, my friends for being skinny, my dog for being equally as inactive as I am and never gaining a pound.  I'm not mad at skinny people who overeat and stay slim anymore, I'm not eating when I'm upset, I'm not reaching for food the second I walk in the door.  I've discovered I won't die if I'm a little hungry, I still don't like to miss a meal though.  I don't pray for closer parking spots, I see the positives in exercise, okay let me just say that is shocking to say the least.  Postives in exercise, now there is an oxy moron for ya. 

Seriously, I'm changing and even though the results are slow and I'm to blame, I'm moving forward and I'm not quitting.  I gave myself no outs when I made this commitment to lose this weight.  I look at it like my marriage, I'm committed to my husband on the days when he makes me so happy and on the days when I have an overwhelming urge to place my hands on his neck and squeeze, not till he dies, just till he passes out.  People are quiet when they pass out.  I am in my marriage by choice and 99% of the time I love being married.  I can't tell you I love this weight lose process even 10% of the time, but I made a choice and I committed to it, so I'm in it until I finish. 

Life is a series of lessons and I may actually be learning that self-denial is beneficial.  That is inspiring!

Be blessed with a wonderful Sunday....remember how truly good God is.

I love Snow.

Finally on this 21st day of November, 2009, I get to see snow.  It's not a full blanket of refreshing white powder, but it's enough to make me smile.  I'm a born Albertan and I love the snow.  I think it is one of the most beautiful sights, equally as pretty as the chaning leaves in the fall.  Remarkable.

Todays Question:  "Have you ever pondered all the ways that snow is like Jesus?"

I have and these are my thoughts:

1.  The blanket of white brightens the dark leftovers of fall, the brown grass, the dead leaves, the barren trees.  It reminds me of how wonderfully clean we have been washed by the blood of Christ.

2.  I am also reminded that some ugly things are hidden under the snow.  On many days thats me, all white and shinning on the outside but dark and dead on the inside.  Not everyday thank God, but somedays that is how I feel, and I'm still covered.

3.  The weight of snow, did you guess how that relates to my blog?  Looks light and fluffy and easy to lift but once you start digging it weighs a ton.  :)

4.  The combination of snow flakes and street lights at night is one of the most beautiful things in the world.  I actaully like to go for walks when that happens.  Remember walking is exercise.

5.  No matter how big or small the snowflakes are they fall gently.  That reminds me of God's love for us and His discipline, it falls ever so gently on us.

6.  I love the inner warmth that I feel whenever it snows.  The furnace in my house runs and I look outside at the snow falling and I feel safe and secure.  We are secure in Christ.

7.  People act better in the winter, okay maybe not the drivers, but everyone else seems to mellow out.  Its a time to be at home, stay warm, reflect and get ready for Christmas.  It's wonderful, just like Jesus.

I could go on for a really long time but I'll stop now.  Winter is my favortie season and I'm not even an avid skier or snowboarder.  I'm so glad the snow has come. 

I pray that this winter you look at the snow as it falls gently and remember all the ways that God has covered us in His Son.  We are blanketed by His warmth and love, we have been washed as white as snow, it is amazing and I'm so grateful.

Knowing that makes me feel like I can do anything I put my mind too and I will succeed.  Is it any wonder I love the snow?  Look out eleven pounds here I come.

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

Outward Appearances

I'm gaining ground, as opposed to weight, and I'm back down to that ten pound loss.  I'd tell you how many times I've visited this marker but I can't remember.  So here is to hoping I will soon leave the fourty plus pounds to lose and enter the thirty somethings....even thirty nine sounds heavenly. 

I'm so glad to report that I've spent the last couple of days in control, I thought with my parents here I would give in to the smell of bacon cooking and my mom's wonderful pancakes, eggs, etc.  Pretty much anything my mom makes for breakfast is good.  I ate my fruit and my bran bar, and I didn't give in at all, not even when we went to the Red Lobster for lunch.  Remarkable, no one is more surprised than I am. 

Todays Question:  "Can I remember the last two days and turn them into months?"

God knows, I hope so.

I got a wonderful note from a beautiful friend of mine about her food struggles, she talked about her battles to resist.  I have the same battles, however, we are both very good at fasting.  My friend, MistE, is slim and beautiful, I've never once seen her with extra weight on, even when she was pregnant it was all baby.  I'm baffled by the fact that she even struggles with food, I'm almost certain that if I could eat whatever I wanted to and stay slim well, let me just say...oink, oink and get outta my way.  We both are able to say no to food altogether and with ease to fast, no options, no struggle.  The fast ends and the struggle begins, I wish I could make sense out of that.  I'm sure MistE does too.  I can't and so we have both decided to take one day at a time and to seek God's help.  We trust His faithfulness, I'm not so sure about mine.

It was a very timely note from my friend, I needed to realize that it's not only difficult for heavy people to eat right, it is equally as difficult for slim people.  And a body that is fed poorly, skinny or fat, will develop a host of physical ailments.  I'm tired of feeling bad, I'm tired of carrying extra weight.  What I learned is that even slim people can feel the heaviness of over-eating.  No matter what you look like on the outside it is the inner workings of the body that determine how you feel. 

I found something in that note I didn't realize I needed, it was truth.  I will no longer look at slim people and assume all is well, simply because they are slim.  It is not the case, I'm sure I knew that in my head but it hadn't penetrated the inward parts of my heart yet.  I was too busy being jealous I wasn't slim and for that, I'm truly sorry. 

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

If anyone lacks Wisdom...

Let them ask God.  That's what I'm doing...lacking wisdom and asking God.  I am down a pound, that's good, although I really didn't want to report it.  It seems like I'm repeating myself, probably because I am.  I've already lost that pound and I had to lose it again. So you can easily see now why I feel like I lack wisdom.

Todays Question:  "Does it make sense to keep gaining and losing the same pounds over and over again?"

Wisdom screams out that there is only one answer to that question and it is a resounding no!  I get that, but I keep gaining those pounds back, so I have to keep re-losing them.  Isn't that the most ridiculous thing about weight loss.  At least it is for me.  My mom and dad are here for a visit and yesterday my mom mentioned that she has lost and gained the same pounds for years.  She only has 30 pounds to lose but she's been up and down with those for most of her life.  I found myself thinking, great, it's hereditary.  Then I found myself thinking, "GREAT" I have the excuse I was looking for and someone to blame.  Remember, I want someone or something to blame for my weight struggles, I so want to be an innocent victum. 

And then we come back to wisdom.  I either have to quit asking God for it, or I have to start listening to the answers He gives.  He keeps telling me I'm the problem.  Have you ever noticed that you don't seem to move on from your problem, until you face it.  Have you ever noticed that you don't change a problem until you work it out?  Do you know the answers like I do and fail to act on them?  I want a different answer to this weight loss battle, one that does not involve exercise or eating less.  Hello...that's the only answer, since my prayers for a better metabolism have yet to manifest. 

I lack wisdom, I'm asking God.  He is generous and willing to help me.  I find myself not wanting to ask.  I pray in the morning and at night, but do I want to ask for his help when I'm looking down the barrel of a loaded dessert tray.  Not so much.  How about those second helpings, if I keep moving toward them and don't ask God for help, I can eat them.  Yum.  I can't even whisper a prayer when I'm standing in front of loaf of bread for crying out loud.  I mean you can make toast with bread.  Seriously, I have issues.

I'm seeking wisdom, I'm asking God.  I think I'm going to have to start praying like my life depends on it when I'm sitting, standing or walking in any direction that could lead to food.  I hope no one brings me breakfast in bed.  :)

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

I'm hungry...I'm hungry!

I keep thinking that I shouldn't be hungry and yet I am.  I'm not starving, the scale has confirmed that but I have this hunger. 

Yesterday I got a phone call from a very nice young man, he married my son-in-laws wonderful sister Maura.  His name is Scott.  He called to ask me if I wanted to be a part of the biggest loser support group they were starting at church to help each other with weight loss.  I didn't feel to join, I did feel to explain myself.  During our conversation I shared with Scott that I'm feeling lost, I long for something I can't seem to find.  It has to do with hunger, just not the kind that requires eating.  I need that food to eat that Jesus spoke of.  The kind his disciples couldn't bring him.  The kind that fills the void in the pit of your stomach.  I need spiritual food.

Todays Question:  "Where do I find the food that won't leave me hungry?"

I wish I had the answer.  I discovered with Scott that he didn't call to invite me to join a group, he called because God wanted to show me through this wise young man, that I am looking for a meal that will leave me satisfied.  I  looked to be filled by the things of this world and try as I may to give them value, they are worthless.  No matter how much I have, be it food or things, I'm never satisfied.  I keep looking for something else to fill this hunger.  It's not working and I'm too daft to figure that out so I keep trying. God help me.

And there is my answer.  I need to put myself at the well, I'm looking at the solution but I'm not seeing and I'm not hearing what He was trying to tell His disciples.  I need to get the puzzled look off my face and ask Him where I can get the food he spoke about.  Even as I write I know the answer He'd give me, "Do my Father's work Jenny and you will be filled.  Put your focus on what really matters and you will never feel hunger again."  It is so hard to write this, once again I'm reminded that the problem is me and the solution is me.  Oh Lord, help "me".

I long for something but I don't want to earn it.  I desire fullfillment, don't pursue it.  If I ran to God like I do to the sample tables at Costco, I would be filled.  I want more...inwardly and to the depths of my soul, I want more.  I'm tired of being hungry.

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

Thank you Officer.

Yesterday morning I finally got to the massage therapist.  It was long overdo, had not been since Africa.  I was seconds from my right turn home when I saw it, the police car, on the dirt road behind our house, waiting.  I quickly looked down to see how fast I was going, 64k's, whats the limit I wondered , I stepped on the brake thinking  it would not make the difference I needed it too.  I decided as I saw his car light up like a Christmas tree that I would stop at home.  I was seconds away.  I pulled into my driveway, he pulled up behind me, blocking my escape. 

Todays Question:  "Did the police man think I was going to back out and speed away if he parked in front of my house?"

I hope not.  He sat in his car while I got my driver's license out and looked for my registration, after what seemed like a long time, he walked up to my car as I stepped out.  "You were doing 64 in a 40 zone did you know that?"  I said I didn't realize it was a 40 zone.  I handed him my license and registration and he said.  "Yes it is."  He paused and seemed to be waiting for me to make my excuses.  You know the ones I'm sure he's heard a million times.  I said.  "I'm guilty."  He looked at me funny and said.  "Okay."  I said.  "Thank you." He walked to his car.

I couldn't waste precious time, I was in a hurry, I had to meet my husband who is always early at the bank.  I took my purse into the house and let the dog out.  The officer was busy writing out my ticket.  I came back, he was still writing so I cleaned the garbage out of my vehicle from our trip to Radium.  He finally finished writing, got out of his car and walked up to me presenting my ticket.  I said, "Thank you."  He looked at me and said.  "You keep saying thank you."  I said, "If your guilty your guilty."  He told me that I should slow down, he felt to share that he was certain he'd be stopping young people, as they had received complaints about speeders in that area.  I was quiet but smiled.  I was still trying to figure out if he was implying I wasn't young.  He said.  "Okay, well slow down."  I said.  "I will, thank you."  And off he went.

I went into the house wondering why I was so quiet.  I really felt like I could have talked myself out of that ticket.  The nice Officer was more than willing to listen to my excuses, the shrug of his shoulders and the look on his face when I made no defense and said I was guilty,  coupled with his, "ok", said it all.  He left the door open, I shut it.  Weird. 

I kept trying to be mad at that Officer, I couldn't do it.  I was mad at myself.  Not for speeding, God help me, but because I got caught.  You see I get away with speeding on a very regular basis.  I just drove back from Radium at a buck thirty, the majority of the way.   (130k's for those of you who don't know my young sons lingo for speed.)  Yes I passed it on to my children.  The guilt.  I felt so guilty and I learned that guilt and anger are two emotions that get entangled in me.  I really wanted to be mad, my guilt and the thousands of prayers this family has lifted up for those who protect us, would not allow it.  I really wanted someone to blame, and I kept wondering why I didn't try to defend my actions, I just kept declaring my guilt.

As I stood in my kitchen trying to figure out why I didn't just go with my anger, I was reminded of Jesus.  Yep, innocent and said nothing.  I was guilty and said nothing.  How does that relate?  I made no defense because I was guilty, I found it very hard.  He made no defense and was innocent, I would have found that impossible.  I wasn't struggling to stay quiet as an innocent victum, I was struggling to stay quiet as a condemned and hardened speeder.  I got caught and for once in my life I didn't try to justify my sin.  I bore the consequences and made no attempts to be excused.  I got what I deserved.

How does that relate to this weight loss process?  I eat too much and convince myself I'm innocent. I think that because it is "healthy" food I'm a victum.  If I exercise I should lose weight right?  Maybe not if you eat more because you are exercising, I have to keep my strength up.  Hello!  I gained two pounds in Radium because I ate too much.  No excuses.  I go backwards in this process because I'm guilty of over-indulgence.  I make excuses because I want to feel sorry for myself, I want to be the helpless victum of a bad metabolism.
I keep hoping that something is wrong with my body so I can justify this fat.  Please help me Lord.

I am guilty and I admit I'd rather be mad.  It's so much easier to be mad at my body than it is to be honest with myself.  I really need to change that. 

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

"Keep moving Forward"

This mornings quote is from "Meet the Robinsons", or is it?  I think Paul said it first..."I press on...".  In spite of failures, testings, trials and tribulations we must press on, we must keep moving forward.  I'm happy to report, I up two pounds.  I just wanted to write that so I could change my attitude.  I'm not really happy but I kinda am.

Today's Question:  "Why on earth would I be feeling even remotely happy to have gained two pounds?"

I learned something this morning as I sat annoyed for 45 minutes unable to write because I gained weight.  I did not give in to a vast host of temptations.  I did however, eat more than I needed too.  I ate healthy foods, made wise choices, with the exception of those overprocessed corn nuts, and I was very active.  I didn't do well at my parents house, my mom is still a wonderful cook and I "thought" I could resist those yummy freshly made Baking Powder Biscuits and homemade soup, but no.  I crumbled like the chocolate cake she also made.  So what did I learn?  One day does indeed make a difference. 

Oh dear.  So now I must press on, I'll keep moving forward and I will remember that I'm weak.  I find myself wondering how I'm ever going to get through Christmas as the party invites are coming in and they all
have food and drink as the focus.  So either I become a drunk to keep myself from over-eating, or I'll have to say no thank you.  Giving in to those fabulously prepared snacks and free dinners is so easy, figuring out how to say no thank you is very hard.  I can't even say no to soup and biscuits.  Really, how pitiful is that?

I'm really going to need to focus over the next month, temptation is every where and I really do want to press on until I reach my goal.  I have got to learn to resist.  I hate it when I feel myself surrendering, a hopeless victum of circumstance.  Food is everywhere, why does it all have to be so good.  Oh woe is me.

Okay that was pitiful, but I really feel like that every Christmas if I'm painfully honest with myself.  I love everything about Christmas, Jesus, my family, the meals, the baking, the chocolates, the presents and last but not least, the giving.  And I've also noticed that Christmas is a time for us women to show off how wonderfully we can bake.  Everyone must taste our traditional bests.  To decline is insult, to indulge is compliment.  I think I better start fasting and praying so I can continue to move forward.  Nothing like a two pound fall backward to remind me to press on.

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

(Only 39 days till Christmas)

Gord's Driving...this will be short. :)

We are heading home from Radium and I'm letting Gord drive while I'll blog.  So far I'm feeling to hurry up and post this baby, so I can get control of that wheel again.  Don't get me wrong, he drives his truck well, my car however, well that's a different story, one I can't afford to take the time to tell.

I am happy to be going home and a little anxious at the same time.  Happy because I love home, either one, Radium or Beaumont, anxious because unlike Radium, Beaumont has a scale.  And let me assure you I have not missed that thing one little bit.  I'm hoping tomorrow morning will not be too scarey for any of us.  I fear I may explode if I'm up, I did make an effort to stay away from junk, with the exception of the corn nuts I bought to settle my nerves while Gord drives.  Did get way more exercise than normal so that's good.  I am stopping at my mom and dads on the way home.

Todays Question:  "Is it wrong to hope my mom cooked something I won't like?"

I can't think of anything she's ever cooked I didn't like, but I can dream.  I'm looking forward to seeing everyone so I'll focus on that and forget about the food. 

I love Sundays, and I have so enjoyed getting away for a few days.  I can honestly tell you that the mountains are one of God's most spectacular creations.  They are so calming, so beautiful and so peaceful, pretty much the opposite of Gord driving my car.

 I love everything God made and I pray that you all....

Would be blessed with a wonderful day.