Marriage and Dieting

These are my thoughts this morning, committing to eat better and get this weight off is alot like committing to your partner in marriage.  I have good days during this process and I've had not so good days, Gord would confirm that also happens in our marriage.  I overindulge on both counts, too much of Gord can be bad for me and too much of me can be bad for him, too much food...same story.  Balance is needed in marriage and in food.  Sometimes my husband is more pleasing to me than a banana split, a jar of Cheez Whiz and a freshly baked loaf of bread, sometimes I need to eat all three of those to curb the anger he seems able to stir up in a second.  I love Gord and I love food.  Both are so satisfying to me and both are necessary for my health and happiness.  Marriage is hard work and eating right is hard work...in both cases the rewards are great.

Todays Question:  "Do you get mad at your husband and instantly look for something to eat like I do?"

I think this morning I have discovered why?  Gord is the person in this world who comforts me the most, and beleive this or not my friends, when I'm not happy with him I look for the second most comforting thing in the world...FOOD!  Okay some of you were not surprised by that answer but I was.  Duh!  I never thought of that before, never put those two things together.  Now that my brain is on I realize that anytime I'm upset with someone I really love, or they are upset with me for that matter, I'm looking in the fridge.  I want to feel better.  I have heard a million times that food equals comfort, I never disected it before, turns out I should have.

So now what?  Well, I'm going to pay attention.  I'm going to remember that Gord, in all his great husband splendor is not the comforter the Holy Spirit is. Jesus left for all of us the only comforter we need.  I am once again asking the Lord for forgiveness.  What a beautiful gift we have waiting with open arms to embrace us.  I'm shutting the fridge and running to the Holy Spirit when I need comfort from now on.  Please help us never to forget how ready you are to comfort and hold us Lord.

Be blessed with a wonderful embrace from the Holy Spirit today.

When I get to Sunday.

It is such a good feeling to wake up Sunday morning, weigh in and find I'm still down eleven pounds.  My fellow dieters, change your life stylers or eat healthiers, know what I'm talking about.  The weekends are hard nuts to crack.  They are tough cookies to crumble, and they can get hot enough to cook an egg on.  I think I'm hungry and it's time for my husband to make me my Sunday breakfast. 

Todays Question:  "Do you love and hate the weekends when it comes to food?"

I sure do.  I find that weekdays are for serious business, work, school, counseling, writing, chores and running around.  My focus is on tasks, on the weekends it's on fun stuff, which always includes food.  Don't get me wrong I love the weekends in every other way, they are for parties, family time, movies, grandkids, friends and last but certainly not least...Jesus!   I mean I really love the weekends, I just hate that I often rest from watching what I eat.   I need to remember that Sundays always remind me of what truly matters in life. 

I don't want you to spend too much of your precious Sunday reading, but I do want you to know that no matter how your week or weekend was, we have a God who loves us beyond compare.  A God who is pleased with us no matter how much we weigh, exercise, work, play or simply be.  He loves us perfectly because He sees us through the lense of His son Jesus Christ.  I am so blessed by that fact...so blessed.  I pray this morning that you know the UNCONDITIONAL love of God in a powerful way.  I pray you know that you are and always will be His hearts desire.  I pray that when you get to Sunday you would find your rest in Him and remember you are not saved by works but by grace.  I always need to remember that and stay balanced.

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

It's not under my Belt.

I am happy to report that I did not gain an ounce after two parties last night, in fact I'm down a quarter of a pound.  I don't count those on paper but I do in my head, especially after I was surrounded by food and found none under my belt this morning.  Praise God.  I am still down eleven pounds and I'm very sorry I forgot to blog yesterday...maybe you didn't notice.  :)

Todays Question:  "Do you think prayers for Jenny not to overindulge get answered?"

I can tell you the answer is yes.  Thanks MistE and Wendy, and anyone else who prayed for me when I asked.  I'm surprised by how God answered but so happy this morning that He did.  I had no problem at the first party, it was supper and I was suppose to eat.  I did eat and I did make a healthy choice.  I was satisfied when I left to go to the next party, not overly full.  I call number two the hard party, temptation was every where and I really wanted to give in.  It was a supper party as well, we arrived just in time for dinner.  Gord was very happy about that as he ate two suppers last night and didn't mind a bit.  I however sat downstairs on the couch with Christan, thank God she was there, and since she didn't want to go up stairs because she was full I stayed with her.  Well most of me, my head kept walking up stairs to see what Gord was eating.  Thankfully the prayers were answered and my body never took that journey. 

Party two and the second prayer answered.  Although I managed to sit with Christian and avoid the food upstairs, a "problem" slash "opportunity" presented itself when Christan decided to leave for her dance party.  The problem, she was leaving, the opportunity, she was going upstairs.  My brain was sure some food would be left, I wanted dessert, I never had any at party number one.  I was also hoping some wonderful items may be left out from dinner.  I was almost excited...did I say almost...ooops my bad.  I think I skipped up the stairs but I can't remember, my mind was on the food.  La...la...la...!  I rounded the  corner hoping to see a table full of leftovers...I got a platter of desserts and little bowl of After Eights.  I admit not a horrible sight, but not the smorg I was hoping for.  Another prayer answered. 

I had two small squares, they were not what I wanted.  I didn't get to take the plate of After Eights downstairs, I did get to carry the platter of treats, I didn't really like them so no problem.  It seems God answers prayers with a twist, I still wanted the food, but the food was being shuffled around me, what I got I didn't care for so I never had the opportunity to over do it.  Weird, I thought I'd settle for anything just to overeat, not so my friends not so.  God is good and once again I'm reminded that His moves are so much greater than mine.  I'm so happy to say that the food from the parties is... "not under my belt." 

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

                                          

It's Amazing.

I lost a pound and I crossed the ten pound barrier!  Now the challenge is to stay in the double digits as far as weight loss goes and not to revisit that ten pound marker again....please Lord.  I have a Christmas party this weekend and a birthday dinner so I'll be needing to keep a clear head.  My plan is to tie my hands together and crazy glue my mouth shut.  That should work.  :)

Todays Question:  "Do you think it's good to be beleiving you'll fail before you even start?"

I know the answer is...NO!  I think that after so many years of not doing so well at these food events, let's face it that's what they are, I'm what the law would call a "repeat offender".  I'm going to have to exercise a part of me that is extrememly out of shape this weekend.  That would be my "self-control".  I'd rather climb fifty flights of stairs, it's easier. 

I'm hoping that talking with you about it before the events start, will enable me to stay focused.  I need to remember that I have to face the scale after the parties, not before.  I have a great memory 90% of the time but when it comes to food I like to forget what I ate.  You know I only ate 4 little shrimps, two cheese balls, one or two chocolates, or was it ten?  In reality I remember every treat I stuff in my face,  what I'm wanting is a  "selective" memory, you know the kind of memory that dosen't exist. 

I am going to stay focused, please pray.  I am going to try things, in moderation.  I am going to remember that I truly want to lose fifty one pounds.  I am going to remember that I finally left the ten pound zone.  I'm going to remember how good that feels.  I am going to succeed!

I pray God blesses you all with a wonderful day filled with success.


                                        Jenny

O' Christmas Tree

Well last night I spent 4 hours decorating my Christmas tree and I'm still not done.  I think my tree is too big and my ornament collection has grown to an unmanagable number.  It's time to down size but since I've got so many memories attached to them it's hard.  Oh woe is me Christmas tree.

Todays Question:  "Does anyone other than me cry when they decorate the tree?"

I sure hope I'm not the only sap.  I usually do okay until I get to the ornaments that have pictures of my kids on or in them.  I manage my tears when I place their baby ornaments stratigically, I'm holding together as I put all the ornaments from the places we've visited up, but when I get to the ornaments the kids made me when they were in school...yep...I lose it.  I'm what they call a gonner.  The Christmas music we've listened to over and over again for years solidifies the deal and the festival of tears has begun.  What a baby!

I'd like to tell you this does not happen every year, I go in with a strong countenance, this year I had the tree up for two days before I got Gord to hang the lights and put up the angel.  I was trying to avoid the pain I'm sure.  I can't beleive how fast my kids grew up, my babies have and are having babies, my first born has been with Jesus for ten years and I miss him soooo much.  Life is as unpredictable as which strand of lights will or won't work at Christmas. 

I glad this morning that my weight stayed the same, down ten pounds.  I'm also glad that life doesn't.  Change is good, and although the changes don't always make sense to me, I trust God.  He knows what He's doing and when things don't make sense to me I remember, He ALWAYS has a plan.

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

                                                 I LOVE CHRISTMAS

                                                         

It's About Balance.

It is simple to place blame on the things we do in our lives, it is difficult to put the blame where it belongs, on ourselves.  We lack balance and so when we overdo in any area, we blame the tv, the computer, the fridge, the pantry or the smorgasband of things this world has to offer.  And it's not all about food.

I can waste time doing any number of things, I think the solution is to get that "thing", whatever it may be out of my life.  The problem is not the thing, the problem is me.  I don't motivate myself and so like a good human I blame something or someone else.  I can play silly games on facebook and waste hours, seriously.  Before you judge me to harshly ask yourself, how much time do you waste reading, ooops that's supposed to be good for you isn't it.  However, if you read all night long and neglect the proper rest your body needs, the chores you wanted to get done, or the people who need your attention, what difference does it make.  I mean is it better to play a game and waste time or read and waste time?  For that matter, is it better to watch two or three hours of television and waste time, or is it better to sleep in, loosing two or three hours of daylight.  I think it's about balance.

Todays Question:  "How often do you see something as bad because you enjoy it?"

For me the answer is way too often.  I enjoy playing mindless games after a busy day, so shoot me, I do.  It helps me to unwind.  I enjoy Monday night television, I like House and Lie to Me.  I don't watch too many other shows at night cause nothing grabs my interest.  Once my day is done, my dinner is cook, the mess is cleaned, I'm ready to relax and unwind.  I need me time.  That can be soaking in the tub, playing a game, reading, tv, horsey riding, etc.  It does not matter what method I use to unwind, it matters that I keep them balanced.  It matters that I have my priorities straight, when I lose site of that I've got a problem.

Right now my priority is getting this extra weight off, it does not consume the majority of my time, but it is a constant.  I have not forsaken other priorities to obtain it, I still have a household to run, counseling to do, details to take care of.  I'm still chief cook and bottle washer, still mom, still grandma, still a friend and still a wife.  Not facebook, the TV, the tub, the radio, the books, the games or the couch, causes me to forget that.  Not one of those things has priority over the people in my life, or the tasks I need to do.  They are great tools for putting off tasks for a time, but sooner or later I'll have to get back to them.  Unless I lose something more important than weight...that would be balance. 

So my goal is to stay balanced in all things, you decide if it should be your goal as well.

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

Change is Good

I wish I could say that the scale is changing, it didn't, but that is one of those good/bad things, it didn't go up, it didn't go down.  I changed though, so that is good, this time, I'm sure someone out there could think of a way I changed that may not have been so good. 

I am feeling so much better about this process, I'm waiting for the scale to reflect it and I know that will come if I continue.  I'm still eating what I want for those of you who wonder about my choices.  I've put nothing off limits and made moderation the key.  I am a very healthy eater for the record so I'm avoiding junk and fast foods.  I have had a filet of fish from McDonalds once or twice over the past 80 plus days, I'm not concerned about that.  If I want a dessert I choose it wisely, except for those blasted little chocolate bars from Halloween.  I'm happy to report those are long gone.

Todays Question:  "Why did I go on so many diets that restricted what I could eat?"

I have to tell you I hated every one, some were better than others but really, I need to make my own choices and I need to control that, not someone else.  It does work for others and I'm happy for them, my journey has taught me that it does not work for me.  As soon as I'm told I can't have something that is precisely what I want.  With a passion!

The hardest part of this process has been making the right choices, quantity not quality is my issue.  I want too much of those good things, and isn't that just a perfect picture of what life can become if we are not careful.  All about how much as opposed to how wise, the greed versus the need.  Why do I give in to that so much?  I'm going to find the answer to that question.  I'll get back to you when I do.

It would appear that I am still feeding the flesh and not listening to the Spirit.  I have got to learn to be content.  And that means to truly see and be happy with what I "have" and stop focusing on what I don't.  I see how truly blessed I am with my husband, my children, my friends and my home, remarkable gifts.  I missed what a blessing it is to have food to choose from.  You'd think after a trip to Africa to feed the poor I'd have gotten that wouldn't you?  You see my freinds...change is good.

Be blessed with a wonderful and content day.

Inspiration

There are so many things that inspire me, and here I sit thinking what will inspire my writing this morning?  I'm searching my mind and coming up a little short.  It's days like these that make me wish I could get these fifty one pounds off quickly, the thought of coming up with something worthwhile to write for what could be a year is daunting to say the least.  I'm happy to report that I can stand firmly on the scale and I'm staying at that ten pound loss.  I am slowly becoming more active.


Todays Question:  "Was that last sentence an oxymoron?"

I'm sure it was close.  I can honestly tell you that having to lose the same ten pounds no less than four times during this process makes me feel like a  moron.  I guess this is a lesson in perseverance for me, I have quit many times in the past when I saw pounds coming back, not sure what I thought that would "gain" me, other than weight.

Learning to look inward and quitting the blame game is helping me during this process, more than I expected it would.  I no longer sit and feel sorry for myself, I'm not blaming my genetic make up, my husband on those "rare" days in bugs me, my children for growing up and moving out, my friends for being skinny, my dog for being equally as inactive as I am and never gaining a pound.  I'm not mad at skinny people who overeat and stay slim anymore, I'm not eating when I'm upset, I'm not reaching for food the second I walk in the door.  I've discovered I won't die if I'm a little hungry, I still don't like to miss a meal though.  I don't pray for closer parking spots, I see the positives in exercise, okay let me just say that is shocking to say the least.  Postives in exercise, now there is an oxy moron for ya. 

Seriously, I'm changing and even though the results are slow and I'm to blame, I'm moving forward and I'm not quitting.  I gave myself no outs when I made this commitment to lose this weight.  I look at it like my marriage, I'm committed to my husband on the days when he makes me so happy and on the days when I have an overwhelming urge to place my hands on his neck and squeeze, not till he dies, just till he passes out.  People are quiet when they pass out.  I am in my marriage by choice and 99% of the time I love being married.  I can't tell you I love this weight lose process even 10% of the time, but I made a choice and I committed to it, so I'm in it until I finish. 

Life is a series of lessons and I may actually be learning that self-denial is beneficial.  That is inspiring!

Be blessed with a wonderful Sunday....remember how truly good God is.

I love Snow.

Finally on this 21st day of November, 2009, I get to see snow.  It's not a full blanket of refreshing white powder, but it's enough to make me smile.  I'm a born Albertan and I love the snow.  I think it is one of the most beautiful sights, equally as pretty as the chaning leaves in the fall.  Remarkable.

Todays Question:  "Have you ever pondered all the ways that snow is like Jesus?"

I have and these are my thoughts:

1.  The blanket of white brightens the dark leftovers of fall, the brown grass, the dead leaves, the barren trees.  It reminds me of how wonderfully clean we have been washed by the blood of Christ.

2.  I am also reminded that some ugly things are hidden under the snow.  On many days thats me, all white and shinning on the outside but dark and dead on the inside.  Not everyday thank God, but somedays that is how I feel, and I'm still covered.

3.  The weight of snow, did you guess how that relates to my blog?  Looks light and fluffy and easy to lift but once you start digging it weighs a ton.  :)

4.  The combination of snow flakes and street lights at night is one of the most beautiful things in the world.  I actaully like to go for walks when that happens.  Remember walking is exercise.

5.  No matter how big or small the snowflakes are they fall gently.  That reminds me of God's love for us and His discipline, it falls ever so gently on us.

6.  I love the inner warmth that I feel whenever it snows.  The furnace in my house runs and I look outside at the snow falling and I feel safe and secure.  We are secure in Christ.

7.  People act better in the winter, okay maybe not the drivers, but everyone else seems to mellow out.  Its a time to be at home, stay warm, reflect and get ready for Christmas.  It's wonderful, just like Jesus.

I could go on for a really long time but I'll stop now.  Winter is my favortie season and I'm not even an avid skier or snowboarder.  I'm so glad the snow has come. 

I pray that this winter you look at the snow as it falls gently and remember all the ways that God has covered us in His Son.  We are blanketed by His warmth and love, we have been washed as white as snow, it is amazing and I'm so grateful.

Knowing that makes me feel like I can do anything I put my mind too and I will succeed.  Is it any wonder I love the snow?  Look out eleven pounds here I come.

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

Outward Appearances

I'm gaining ground, as opposed to weight, and I'm back down to that ten pound loss.  I'd tell you how many times I've visited this marker but I can't remember.  So here is to hoping I will soon leave the fourty plus pounds to lose and enter the thirty somethings....even thirty nine sounds heavenly. 

I'm so glad to report that I've spent the last couple of days in control, I thought with my parents here I would give in to the smell of bacon cooking and my mom's wonderful pancakes, eggs, etc.  Pretty much anything my mom makes for breakfast is good.  I ate my fruit and my bran bar, and I didn't give in at all, not even when we went to the Red Lobster for lunch.  Remarkable, no one is more surprised than I am. 

Todays Question:  "Can I remember the last two days and turn them into months?"

God knows, I hope so.

I got a wonderful note from a beautiful friend of mine about her food struggles, she talked about her battles to resist.  I have the same battles, however, we are both very good at fasting.  My friend, MistE, is slim and beautiful, I've never once seen her with extra weight on, even when she was pregnant it was all baby.  I'm baffled by the fact that she even struggles with food, I'm almost certain that if I could eat whatever I wanted to and stay slim well, let me just say...oink, oink and get outta my way.  We both are able to say no to food altogether and with ease to fast, no options, no struggle.  The fast ends and the struggle begins, I wish I could make sense out of that.  I'm sure MistE does too.  I can't and so we have both decided to take one day at a time and to seek God's help.  We trust His faithfulness, I'm not so sure about mine.

It was a very timely note from my friend, I needed to realize that it's not only difficult for heavy people to eat right, it is equally as difficult for slim people.  And a body that is fed poorly, skinny or fat, will develop a host of physical ailments.  I'm tired of feeling bad, I'm tired of carrying extra weight.  What I learned is that even slim people can feel the heaviness of over-eating.  No matter what you look like on the outside it is the inner workings of the body that determine how you feel. 

I found something in that note I didn't realize I needed, it was truth.  I will no longer look at slim people and assume all is well, simply because they are slim.  It is not the case, I'm sure I knew that in my head but it hadn't penetrated the inward parts of my heart yet.  I was too busy being jealous I wasn't slim and for that, I'm truly sorry. 

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

If anyone lacks Wisdom...

Let them ask God.  That's what I'm doing...lacking wisdom and asking God.  I am down a pound, that's good, although I really didn't want to report it.  It seems like I'm repeating myself, probably because I am.  I've already lost that pound and I had to lose it again. So you can easily see now why I feel like I lack wisdom.

Todays Question:  "Does it make sense to keep gaining and losing the same pounds over and over again?"

Wisdom screams out that there is only one answer to that question and it is a resounding no!  I get that, but I keep gaining those pounds back, so I have to keep re-losing them.  Isn't that the most ridiculous thing about weight loss.  At least it is for me.  My mom and dad are here for a visit and yesterday my mom mentioned that she has lost and gained the same pounds for years.  She only has 30 pounds to lose but she's been up and down with those for most of her life.  I found myself thinking, great, it's hereditary.  Then I found myself thinking, "GREAT" I have the excuse I was looking for and someone to blame.  Remember, I want someone or something to blame for my weight struggles, I so want to be an innocent victum. 

And then we come back to wisdom.  I either have to quit asking God for it, or I have to start listening to the answers He gives.  He keeps telling me I'm the problem.  Have you ever noticed that you don't seem to move on from your problem, until you face it.  Have you ever noticed that you don't change a problem until you work it out?  Do you know the answers like I do and fail to act on them?  I want a different answer to this weight loss battle, one that does not involve exercise or eating less.  Hello...that's the only answer, since my prayers for a better metabolism have yet to manifest. 

I lack wisdom, I'm asking God.  He is generous and willing to help me.  I find myself not wanting to ask.  I pray in the morning and at night, but do I want to ask for his help when I'm looking down the barrel of a loaded dessert tray.  Not so much.  How about those second helpings, if I keep moving toward them and don't ask God for help, I can eat them.  Yum.  I can't even whisper a prayer when I'm standing in front of loaf of bread for crying out loud.  I mean you can make toast with bread.  Seriously, I have issues.

I'm seeking wisdom, I'm asking God.  I think I'm going to have to start praying like my life depends on it when I'm sitting, standing or walking in any direction that could lead to food.  I hope no one brings me breakfast in bed.  :)

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

I'm hungry...I'm hungry!

I keep thinking that I shouldn't be hungry and yet I am.  I'm not starving, the scale has confirmed that but I have this hunger. 

Yesterday I got a phone call from a very nice young man, he married my son-in-laws wonderful sister Maura.  His name is Scott.  He called to ask me if I wanted to be a part of the biggest loser support group they were starting at church to help each other with weight loss.  I didn't feel to join, I did feel to explain myself.  During our conversation I shared with Scott that I'm feeling lost, I long for something I can't seem to find.  It has to do with hunger, just not the kind that requires eating.  I need that food to eat that Jesus spoke of.  The kind his disciples couldn't bring him.  The kind that fills the void in the pit of your stomach.  I need spiritual food.

Todays Question:  "Where do I find the food that won't leave me hungry?"

I wish I had the answer.  I discovered with Scott that he didn't call to invite me to join a group, he called because God wanted to show me through this wise young man, that I am looking for a meal that will leave me satisfied.  I  looked to be filled by the things of this world and try as I may to give them value, they are worthless.  No matter how much I have, be it food or things, I'm never satisfied.  I keep looking for something else to fill this hunger.  It's not working and I'm too daft to figure that out so I keep trying. God help me.

And there is my answer.  I need to put myself at the well, I'm looking at the solution but I'm not seeing and I'm not hearing what He was trying to tell His disciples.  I need to get the puzzled look off my face and ask Him where I can get the food he spoke about.  Even as I write I know the answer He'd give me, "Do my Father's work Jenny and you will be filled.  Put your focus on what really matters and you will never feel hunger again."  It is so hard to write this, once again I'm reminded that the problem is me and the solution is me.  Oh Lord, help "me".

I long for something but I don't want to earn it.  I desire fullfillment, don't pursue it.  If I ran to God like I do to the sample tables at Costco, I would be filled.  I want more...inwardly and to the depths of my soul, I want more.  I'm tired of being hungry.

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

Thank you Officer.

Yesterday morning I finally got to the massage therapist.  It was long overdo, had not been since Africa.  I was seconds from my right turn home when I saw it, the police car, on the dirt road behind our house, waiting.  I quickly looked down to see how fast I was going, 64k's, whats the limit I wondered , I stepped on the brake thinking  it would not make the difference I needed it too.  I decided as I saw his car light up like a Christmas tree that I would stop at home.  I was seconds away.  I pulled into my driveway, he pulled up behind me, blocking my escape. 

Todays Question:  "Did the police man think I was going to back out and speed away if he parked in front of my house?"

I hope not.  He sat in his car while I got my driver's license out and looked for my registration, after what seemed like a long time, he walked up to my car as I stepped out.  "You were doing 64 in a 40 zone did you know that?"  I said I didn't realize it was a 40 zone.  I handed him my license and registration and he said.  "Yes it is."  He paused and seemed to be waiting for me to make my excuses.  You know the ones I'm sure he's heard a million times.  I said.  "I'm guilty."  He looked at me funny and said.  "Okay."  I said.  "Thank you." He walked to his car.

I couldn't waste precious time, I was in a hurry, I had to meet my husband who is always early at the bank.  I took my purse into the house and let the dog out.  The officer was busy writing out my ticket.  I came back, he was still writing so I cleaned the garbage out of my vehicle from our trip to Radium.  He finally finished writing, got out of his car and walked up to me presenting my ticket.  I said, "Thank you."  He looked at me and said.  "You keep saying thank you."  I said, "If your guilty your guilty."  He told me that I should slow down, he felt to share that he was certain he'd be stopping young people, as they had received complaints about speeders in that area.  I was quiet but smiled.  I was still trying to figure out if he was implying I wasn't young.  He said.  "Okay, well slow down."  I said.  "I will, thank you."  And off he went.

I went into the house wondering why I was so quiet.  I really felt like I could have talked myself out of that ticket.  The nice Officer was more than willing to listen to my excuses, the shrug of his shoulders and the look on his face when I made no defense and said I was guilty,  coupled with his, "ok", said it all.  He left the door open, I shut it.  Weird. 

I kept trying to be mad at that Officer, I couldn't do it.  I was mad at myself.  Not for speeding, God help me, but because I got caught.  You see I get away with speeding on a very regular basis.  I just drove back from Radium at a buck thirty, the majority of the way.   (130k's for those of you who don't know my young sons lingo for speed.)  Yes I passed it on to my children.  The guilt.  I felt so guilty and I learned that guilt and anger are two emotions that get entangled in me.  I really wanted to be mad, my guilt and the thousands of prayers this family has lifted up for those who protect us, would not allow it.  I really wanted someone to blame, and I kept wondering why I didn't try to defend my actions, I just kept declaring my guilt.

As I stood in my kitchen trying to figure out why I didn't just go with my anger, I was reminded of Jesus.  Yep, innocent and said nothing.  I was guilty and said nothing.  How does that relate?  I made no defense because I was guilty, I found it very hard.  He made no defense and was innocent, I would have found that impossible.  I wasn't struggling to stay quiet as an innocent victum, I was struggling to stay quiet as a condemned and hardened speeder.  I got caught and for once in my life I didn't try to justify my sin.  I bore the consequences and made no attempts to be excused.  I got what I deserved.

How does that relate to this weight loss process?  I eat too much and convince myself I'm innocent. I think that because it is "healthy" food I'm a victum.  If I exercise I should lose weight right?  Maybe not if you eat more because you are exercising, I have to keep my strength up.  Hello!  I gained two pounds in Radium because I ate too much.  No excuses.  I go backwards in this process because I'm guilty of over-indulgence.  I make excuses because I want to feel sorry for myself, I want to be the helpless victum of a bad metabolism.
I keep hoping that something is wrong with my body so I can justify this fat.  Please help me Lord.

I am guilty and I admit I'd rather be mad.  It's so much easier to be mad at my body than it is to be honest with myself.  I really need to change that. 

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

"Keep moving Forward"

This mornings quote is from "Meet the Robinsons", or is it?  I think Paul said it first..."I press on...".  In spite of failures, testings, trials and tribulations we must press on, we must keep moving forward.  I'm happy to report, I up two pounds.  I just wanted to write that so I could change my attitude.  I'm not really happy but I kinda am.

Today's Question:  "Why on earth would I be feeling even remotely happy to have gained two pounds?"

I learned something this morning as I sat annoyed for 45 minutes unable to write because I gained weight.  I did not give in to a vast host of temptations.  I did however, eat more than I needed too.  I ate healthy foods, made wise choices, with the exception of those overprocessed corn nuts, and I was very active.  I didn't do well at my parents house, my mom is still a wonderful cook and I "thought" I could resist those yummy freshly made Baking Powder Biscuits and homemade soup, but no.  I crumbled like the chocolate cake she also made.  So what did I learn?  One day does indeed make a difference. 

Oh dear.  So now I must press on, I'll keep moving forward and I will remember that I'm weak.  I find myself wondering how I'm ever going to get through Christmas as the party invites are coming in and they all
have food and drink as the focus.  So either I become a drunk to keep myself from over-eating, or I'll have to say no thank you.  Giving in to those fabulously prepared snacks and free dinners is so easy, figuring out how to say no thank you is very hard.  I can't even say no to soup and biscuits.  Really, how pitiful is that?

I'm really going to need to focus over the next month, temptation is every where and I really do want to press on until I reach my goal.  I have got to learn to resist.  I hate it when I feel myself surrendering, a hopeless victum of circumstance.  Food is everywhere, why does it all have to be so good.  Oh woe is me.

Okay that was pitiful, but I really feel like that every Christmas if I'm painfully honest with myself.  I love everything about Christmas, Jesus, my family, the meals, the baking, the chocolates, the presents and last but not least, the giving.  And I've also noticed that Christmas is a time for us women to show off how wonderfully we can bake.  Everyone must taste our traditional bests.  To decline is insult, to indulge is compliment.  I think I better start fasting and praying so I can continue to move forward.  Nothing like a two pound fall backward to remind me to press on.

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

(Only 39 days till Christmas)

Gord's Driving...this will be short. :)

We are heading home from Radium and I'm letting Gord drive while I'll blog.  So far I'm feeling to hurry up and post this baby, so I can get control of that wheel again.  Don't get me wrong, he drives his truck well, my car however, well that's a different story, one I can't afford to take the time to tell.

I am happy to be going home and a little anxious at the same time.  Happy because I love home, either one, Radium or Beaumont, anxious because unlike Radium, Beaumont has a scale.  And let me assure you I have not missed that thing one little bit.  I'm hoping tomorrow morning will not be too scarey for any of us.  I fear I may explode if I'm up, I did make an effort to stay away from junk, with the exception of the corn nuts I bought to settle my nerves while Gord drives.  Did get way more exercise than normal so that's good.  I am stopping at my mom and dads on the way home.

Todays Question:  "Is it wrong to hope my mom cooked something I won't like?"

I can't think of anything she's ever cooked I didn't like, but I can dream.  I'm looking forward to seeing everyone so I'll focus on that and forget about the food. 

I love Sundays, and I have so enjoyed getting away for a few days.  I can honestly tell you that the mountains are one of God's most spectacular creations.  They are so calming, so beautiful and so peaceful, pretty much the opposite of Gord driving my car.

 I love everything God made and I pray that you all....

Would be blessed with a wonderful day.

Saturday and a glimpse of Snow

Unlike most people, other than skiers or snowboarders, I came to BC to find some snow.  As a born and bred Albertan I'm missing it.  This morning I woke up to what is commonly called a skiff.  It's better than nothing and now the sun is shining so it may not last.  I'm grateful for the glimpse of what must be coming soon.

And making the previous sentence my attitude as I wait patiently for weight loss is my goal, remember I have no scale so I can't weigh in, rats!  Didn't that exclamation mark make it "seem" more sincere? 

Todays Question:  "Why is it so hard to be grateful during the slow process of weight loss?"

I am starting to understand why people get their tummies tied.  I mean quick results and the only major complaint is emotional issues.  I've had emotional issues for years, bring it on I say. I find it funny, in that sad kinda way, that people get praise for having their tummies tied and losing weight.  It's like they actually had something to do with it, I mean besides the surgery.  I know that it's the healthier choice if you can't control your eating, I know for the obese it saves their lives.  I'm glad for that.  But it's not a praise worthy task to lose weight when you have your stomach tied is it?  I think that even I could lose weight fast if I went that route, however, I don't qualify, maybe that's why I get annoyed. 

I guess for me success is defined as something I have to work hard for.  The pleasure of succeeding at something you put all the energy, effort and brain power behind, is what makes the victory sweet.  If I had plastic surgery to improve every flaw, in what may seem to most of you to be a perfect face, do I get the credit or does the surgeon?  If I snuck off to Africa where lipo suction is cheap and then came back and blogged of my great weight loss...was it truly my success? 

It seems I'm pondering the honesty factor this morning of how I'm doing.  I may need a reality check.  I did exercise yesterday, walked very fast with speedy gonzalus, aka my husband Gord, for over 20 minutes....outside.  I didn't overindulge, although the veggie burger and salad I had for lunch left me feeling way too full.  I rejected several chocolate bars that I was sure I saw my name on.  I avoided the bakery in Radium altogether, way too many temptations there. I'm working hard to stay focused and doing my very best to avoid that blank zone where I convince myself I don't know what I'm doing. That innocent victum frame of mind so many of us dieters love to embrace.

This morning I'm going to keep working at succeeding, it is work.  There are simple solutions to everything, want a new car, get a loan, want a new outfit without the money, credit cards.  We live in a world where we can get what we want if we have credit. Even weight loss can be purchased, however, I'm going to painstakingly earn these fifty one pounds and "when" I succeed...I'll know I actually earned it.  And I know that in the end that will feel wonderful.

Be blessed with success in everyway.

Freedom

The good news is, no scale at the condo.  Can you hear the glorious shouts of freedom ringing through the BC mountains across the peaks and valleys to the plains of Edmonton.  I bet you can.  I feel like a weight has been lifted this morning and I don't have to write according to the numbers on that scale.

Todays Question:  "Do three mornings of freedom mean louder screams on the fourth?"

Oh I hope not.  I think I have figured out that the common denominator in my weight gains after vacations is...me.  Blast I wish I could find some other cause that would declare my innocence to all, unfortunately I'm the problem.  Turns out I've always been the problem and if I don't make changes I will return home, once again, at the end of a wonderful break to a scale that only seems able to move in the upward direction.  At that point I will hurl the scale from the second storey of my home in a fit of rage.  I will then need to go back to Costco to purchase another scale and that will annoy me because as much as I'd like to pretend the scale I own is a liar, the luggage I weigh before travel always weighs exactly the same at the airport as it does at home, stupid truth telling scale. 

I plan to pray more this weekend, before during and after meals.  I plan to be more physically active, I plan to enjoy myself and dare I say, I plan to "not" let this little break finds its focus on food.  I'll focus on other things, for example:

1.  People and conversation.  I found it remarkable that I didn't eat a ton of snacks on the way down, I talked with my husband from Beaumont to Radium, almost non-stop, and for a change I wasn't the only one talking.  Amazing what you can learn if you shut your mouth.

2.  I didn't start eating when I walked into the condo, I decorated it for Christmas instead.  It was so much fun and I'm still enjoying it this morning.  Unlike over-eating, only pleasant during, not after.

3.  I'm going to go walk in these beautiful mountains, instead of just looking at them from the car window.  Well I'm going to walk on the roads, I'm too chicken to walk with the mountain sheep.

4.  I'm going to make a very big effort to find better things to do than eat.  I hope you know that was hard for me to write, it's hard for someone like me to come up with better things to do than eat.

5.  I'm going to reward myself with good behavior.  Truly, acting properly is rewarding.

6.  And I'm going to see if I can find others to bless

Those are my goals for this weekend, I will to make them reality.

Be blessed with a wonderful day and God help you to reach your goals.

Days like this.

I'm getting a little tired of reporting that I'm still the same, I am glad I'm not gaining.  Why does this process of weight loss take so much longer than it does to gain weight.  According to the experts I should be seeing those instant results now that I've started to exercise.  Okay it's only 15 minutes a day, but three days ago it was nothing, a pound or two loss would be nice.  We've all seen those magazine articles tauting 10 pound losses for one week of walking...hello!  (WARNING!  Nobody better make a comment about how muscle weighs more than fat, that would be bad timing.)

It's days like this that make me want to dive into a bag of potatoe chips and never come out.  I keep thinking that if I'm not seeing results, what's the point of this.  I mean really.  Yesterday I ate, breakfast bar, slice of pumpkin loaf, sandwich, pumpkin loaf, veggie pasta, pumkin loaf.  That's it.  I went to the stable, I did housework and I exercised. 

Todays Question:  "Does anyone out there feel as sorry for me as I do?"

I doubt that's possible really, but if you do thanks.  I seem to need some sympathy this morning.  What's wrong with having people feel sorry for you, I don't mind pity.  Especially when I feel pitiful.  Do you know that if this continues it will take me two years to lose fifty one pounds.  Can I come up with two years worth of blogging material, you can see the downward spiral I'm already on.

Oh I enjoyed that pity party, I'll stop now.  There is an old song it goes, "Momma said there'd be days like this, there'd be days like this momma said."  So I'll take out one or two of those pieces of pumpkin loaf, continue to eat less, and I'll try to keep the pity parties down to one every two or three months. For your sakes not for mine, it felt kinda good on my end.

I see the sun is rising out my bedroom window and the light of the day is overcoming the darkness.  I'll be alright, I can do this. 

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

Remembering

As all my Canadian friends know, today is Rememberance Day.  It is a stat holiday in our Country and I'm so proud we acknowledge and give honor to the people who purchased our Countries freedom with their lives.  War is not for the faint in heart and I know if our freedom somehow got into my hands, we'd be hooped, as the basketballers say.  So I praise God for those who are called to protect, which leads me to...

Todays Question:  "Shouldn't we have a stat holiday that honors the police, firemen, prison guards, our military and any other man or woman who willingly put their lives on the line to protect us?" 

I am so grateful that I live in a Country where I can pick up a phone and get help.  I'm so glad that so many  are called to protect.  I am a chicken, some of you may not know that about me, there is no way I would run into a burning building, in fact I seldom run.  I would not go into a dark room looking for a bad guy, I would not guard the murderers in prison, I'd be too afraid of seeing something gross if I were an ambulance driver and I'd be way too nervous to fight in a war.  I can't stand seeing people in pain, I don't like the thought of having a gun if someone was rude to me because they were speeding.  Not sure what I'd do with too much power, not sure I want to find out. 

We are so blessed to have so many wonderful people called to serve.  My brother-in-law Dave is a police man, he absolutely loves it.  When he talks to my husband or son about things he deals with I have to leave, can't even stand to hear about the things he sees from day to day.  Makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about how many horrible situations he's dealt with.  And yet, I have this overwhelming sense of gratitude that God has called people like Dave to do what others could not.  I am so grateful for the people who serve and protect...so grateful.  I hope you are too.

This is a weight loss journal so I am the same weight again, down ten pounds.  I exercised last night for fifteen minutes and amazingly lived to tell about it.   I'm pressing on in spite of the slow motion movie I seem to be the star of.  I will see results, I have great faith.

I pray that today you remember not just those who died for our freedom but those who continue to fight for it.  Not only those in the military fighting foreign enemies but those in our own country who have the misfortune of protecting us from our own people. 

God bless the men and women who protect us....watch over their lives as they watch over ours.

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

Lest we forget!

The "E" Word

In spite of what the scale says, I'm seeing results and feeling them in my clothes.  So I'm hoping that soon I'm going to crack this ten pound loss and hit eleven, or day I say twelve...what a dreamer.  What fun would life be without dreams.

This mornig I'm the same, but, I exercised last night for fifteen minutes on the elliptical, crediting  my wonderful son.  So Gordon, thanks for helping your momma to get moving.  Sorry about the complaining at the two minute mark, I was sure at the time that I was going to die.  Boy am I out of shape.  I had agreed to ten minutes and he pushed me to fifteen.  We both have ellipitcals in our basements so we made a committment to work out for no less than 10 minutes a day, five days a week, while we talk on our headsets.  I have to tell you it is so much better having someone to work out with, even via the telephone.  For more reasons than one, children remain my greatest blessing.

Todays Question:  "I have agreed to exercise five days a week and already I'm coming up with excuses for why I won't be able to.  Does that happen to anyone else?"

I stopped by my daughter-in-law Chantels store yesterday, Treasured Memories, and we were talking about exercise, I mentioned that I love doing yoga, and right after saying it I wondered, outloud, why I can't seem to make myself do it if I like it so much.  Another question I don't have the answer to.  It seems that liking something is not motivation enough, so what is?

One more question I don't have the answer to, one more thing I wish I could figure out so I could make the changes I need to.  Not just to look better but to feel better.  I love how relaxed my muscles are when I do yoga, I love making it a time to think about God.  They say namaste, I say Jesus loves me. and since namaste means I bow to you, honoring that which is divine in others and myself, I give all glory to God, He is and always will be the only one I bow to.  It is a wonderful time of meditation for me, but I guess since it's still work and my bathtub time is not, I have found the answer to why I'm not doing it.  I seem to run to everything that is easy, my tub, my comfy chair and my wonderfully spacious king size bed.  Oh dear, I think I'm lazy. 

I want results without the work, that's sadly not new.  I sit, lie, drive and imagine exercising, unfortunately I seldom get past the thought of it.  I think it's time to do away with all the excuses and take one day at a time. 
I am going to test this theory that exercise means weight loss, healthier bones, a calmer mind and increased strength.  I'll let you know what I think if I make it through the week.  :)

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

Speak the truth in Love.

This if my life verse, it is found in Ephesians 4:15.  "Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ."  And so I have now learned that I have two things I need to do, speak the truth in love and...grow up. 

Todays Question:  "Am I the only one who finds herself always needed to change?"

I sure hope not.  Last night my husband tossed and turned.  He woke me up when he reached for the melatonin, a natural sleeping aid, I was in that deep sleep where you struggle to figure out what's going on, while you shut down the dreams you were having.  I was lying beside him just hoping he'd say something so I could rudely tell him he woke me up.  He's a smart man and when I returned from a unplanned potty break, he was silent.  I knew he wasn't sleeping and he knew he'd woken me, I held my tounque and he got very queit, and we stayed that way until he fell asleep.  I was too irritated to sleep. 

Something unusual happened to me while I lay thinking of the times I couldn't sleep and how I was always so careful not to wake Gord up.  I don't do what I like to call "flitting" when I can't sleep.  If you don't know what flitting is let me explain, loud heavy sighs, flipping over with mere minute breaks between, hanging a foot over the bed and moving it back and forth, lifting your head to look at the clock, for the tenth time, and last but not least, groans coupled with that pitful touque to roof of open mouth frustrated tsk sort of sound.  That is flitting and flitting is very bothersome for the person who "was" sleeping until all the flittings woke them up.  Ooops...I'm getting annoyed again.

My point was suppose to be the unusual thing that happened, so back to that.  As I lay thinking, you know cause I couldn't sleep anymore, I started to feel something other than anger toward my husband.  It was foreign at first and I tried to ignore it, nope, there it was.  He has to get up at 5:30 and I don't.  I wanted to say to that voice in my head, "Your point?"  But I knew what it was when I was quickly reminded of my chosen life verse, "...speak the truth in love...", I was done.  I couldn't feel mad anymore, I felt sorry for Gord as he tossed and turned frustrated by the fact the he was awake more than he slept.  I don't function well on anything less than 7 hours sleep, I remotely resemble a grizzly bear if I lack sleep.  Gord however, is just as kind, just as friendly and just as level headed with or without a full nights sleep.  Gord is the one who will be working for the next 11 hours and I'll shut this computer and light off when I'm done my blog and go back to sleep.  Poor me.

I realized something last night about myself, I find it easy to speak the truth in love when nothing that normally frustrates me is happening.  I'm the picture of kind words when everything is going my way, and then bam, God help the person who irritates me, wakes me up, or is just plain rude.  I'll show them an irritated grumpy lady who will tame their rudeness with a quick lash of my ever so cutting whip like tounque.  I'm good with words, and that means I can put them together for good or for evil.  And that my friends is the opposite of using my power for good, lashing the people God loves with my words. 

I listened last night as my heart softened toward my husband, I prayed for him as I heard him flitting, looking for sleep.  I decided in the middle of the night that I needed to apply that powerful verse to every situation in my life, not just the comfortable ones.  Speak the truth in love my friends and when you don't like what's happening around you...grow up.  That's what I need to do, God help me.

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

Close calls.

Yesterday I could feel myself slipping into the zone I like to call mindless eating.  I was slipping, I didn't go with the slide.  Thank God.  I was able to stop myself.

I had a wonderful lunch in the City with my husband and my daughter came with my cute little grandson to meet us.  Had a very satisfying and healthy meal, it took me fifteen minutes to realize I was full.  We finished lunch and headed back home for more rennos.  I kept thinking as I drove that I was too full and at the same time I was thinking dessert.  Strange.  I thought about going to starbucks on the way home for a snack.  I kept driving.  Thoughts of sweet things kept running through my head.  I walked into the house and blindly headed for the fridge.  I stood looking at those few left over little chocolate bars in the fridge drawer, I was hypnotized.  I snapped out of it and shut the door quickly and walked away.  That was a close call.

Todays Question:  "Why would a person who normally does not like sweets, want something sweet when they are full?"

Answer, greed.  I'm going with that.  I was certainly not hungry, I didn't need anything more and yet somehow after a wonderful lunch I wanted dessert.  I was the perfect picture of the biblical definition of a person who always lusts for more.  Oh my, could I get a side of deliverance over here, I'm in serious need.

I guess I'm still wishing that I would wake up one morning to discover that I'm one of those people who can eat whatever they want and never gain a pound.  They just stay skinny, eating chocolate bars for breakfast, munching potatoe chips all day, and eating plates full of food and daring, I say daring to stay slim.  Oh that green eyed monster has now reared his ugly head.  Good thing it's Sunday. 

God help me to remember that I am not that person, neither the green eyed monster or the skinny overeater.  I am grateful for who I am.  I said that more as a reminder at this moment, I need to speak it to feel it.  I'm so happy for people who don't struggle with their weight...truly.  I know that they often have other struggles that I would not enjoy or envy.  I also know that some people just don't spend any time thinking about food, they eat when their stomach growls, can you imagine?  This morning I am reminded that I am what I am, I can make changes, but I have to accept that I do think about food, not as much as I used too, but still planning the next meal shortly after the last.  I'll get there. 

I have to say that 95% of the time I'm very happy with my life, even my struggles teach me, I like who I am, I enjoy my family, my friends, I am so blessed.  My problem, I overeat for my body, I can stop that, so can you.  I like to pretend I'm the victum of a bad metabolism, in reality my metabolism is the victum of an overeater. 

Once again I remind myself that I caused the problem, only I can fix it.  God is more than willing to help me and I must keep doing and praying.  Both are necessary.

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

Breakfast in Bed

Oh I love that title.  I love it even more when it happens.  This is my morning so far...slept till 8:00,  got my husband to bring me my laptop and an orange when I felt to write.  Decided to read the new posts on facebook first, that took some time because I had to look at all the cute new pictures my friends had posted. Then I was hungry, asked my husband what was for breakfast, he said no breakfast on Saturdays and I said, eh huh, and in five minutes I was delivered the yummy scrambled eggs on toast special.  The man spoils me and I have to say I absolutely love that about him.  I'm struggling to make myself tell him I only need one piece of buttered toast and one egg scrambled.  He likes to bring me two of each.  Oh the flesh!

I did not gain any weight and so I sit in that familar place I like to call the ten pound downer...again.  I do not plan to report anything less than that ever again...so if you see a pink laptop computer flying over Edmonton and hear a loud scream from the Beaumont area, don't worry, I have a main frame computer as well.

Today Question:  "Do you ever wish that you could just wake up happy everyday?"

I think it may be the sun shining outside my bedroom window, could also be the breakfast in bed, maybe it's just the hope of a new day and the curiosity I always feel about what a day will bring forth.  I love the unknown aspect of each day, don't always love what comes but I always learn something no matter what happens.  It is good to be alive, even better to know that I will live forever.  I think I'm finally starting to figure out that we humans really have nothing to lose, God has paved the way to eternity and thanks to Jesus I can and should relax.  I have a comforter, counselor and guide in the Holy Spirit and on the days when I don't wake up so happy I must be forgetting that.  Lord help me to remember.

Not everyday starts with breakfast in bed and I really don't want it too, it is special because it only happens once in a while.  Not everything we have to deal with in life is good, but I can tell you from way too many bad experiences that if I had to do it all over again I would.  Nothing that has happened to me has not worked out for good, Gods word is true.  My suffering has brought healing to others, God has carried me through more than even I thought I'd live through.  I'm willing to share my pain with others and just like breakfast in bed does not happen every day, I am not suffering everyday.  I am thankful that pain always has a purpose, as unpleasant as it is at the time.  So this morning I rejoice because I'm happy, tommorow I happily report is like every other day...in God's hands.

Be blessed with a wonderfully happy day.

Blankity, blank, blank, blank.

Nope, I'm not swearing.  Just sitting here at 6:47am wondering what I want to say today.  Wishing I could come up with something so wonderfully profound that I could turn my whole journey into a fabulous success and in the process help others to do the same.  That is my goal, helping myself and hopefully helping others as well. 

And still the screen is blank.  Maybe blank isn't the problem, hungry is.  I'm not usually this hungry first thing in the morning, maybe it's because we went to bed at 9pm.  I'ts likely my brain has convinced my body that I may starve to death if I don't eat soon...it has been almost 10 hours.  Oh dear...I'll be right back.

Today's Question:  "Do you married ladies like it when you discover that your husband is right?"

Answer, I don't think I do.  I went downstairs to get something to eat, remember.  That was over ten minutes ago.  On my way down I thought I'd check the garage door to be sure Gord remembered to shut it, he's been known to forget.  I noticed the closet doors in the laundry room were open so I thought, I'll take all the ironed shirts up to our room.  Wonderful, that's done.  I walked into the kitchen and couldn't help but notice it was a mess.  My husband cooked supper last night, enough said.  I started to clean the ktichen.  I wiped the counters, unloaded the dishwasher, loaded the dishwasher.  Changed my mind about the yogurt I went downstairs for and grabbed an apple instead. I used my wonderful apple thingy to cut it into sections with one push, thought about a cup of tea.  Turned the kettle on while I did some more cleaning and then when it boiled made a cup of tea.  Refilled the kettle because it bothers me when it's empty.  Bear with me...I'm making a point.  My tea had steeped long enough, poured it into my travel mug, put my apple into a bowl, was about to check to be sure the dog had enough food, and then the word that had been swirling around in my head for about ten minutes came back to mind....again.  What's that word?

Sidetracked.  My husband has been telling me for years that I get sidetracked all the time.  I have denied it and explained it quite well for years.  And this morning, as I reach for another section of the apple it took me over ten minutes to get, I'm painfully aware of the fact that he is right.  Oh for crying outloud.  I mean really, who needs to deal with that first thing in the morning. 

What does that have to do with my weight loss journey, you may have wondered.  Well, everything it turns out.  I get sidetracked.  I want to get rid of fifty one pounds, no surprise I have again reached the ten pound mark, down a pound, what has been the cause of all my problems?  I get sidetracked.  I go to Africa to help others, I help myself to every fried food the country has to offer.  Sidetracked.  I have a goal and a plan, Halloween comes, I eat more little chocolate bars in a four day period than I would ever eat the rest of the year...sidetracked. I feel sad, I reach for food, I feel glad, I reach for food, I want results and they don't happen fast enough, I should exercise, I'd rather eat, all of those things paint a beautiful picture of what it is to be sidetracked.  Yikes!

So now what?  I have to stop this, I can't have my husband being right about something, this is serious, it means I've been wrong.  I'm going to stop writing now, finish my apple, drink my tea and see if I can find a way out of this mess.

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

Steely Determination

 Today results are in and once again I manged to find a pound...and a bit...remember we don't count the bits no matter how close they are to two.  So now what, I didn't have a horrible day, did go out for supper, didn't eat the bread, didn't eat the dessert I watched my husband devour.  However, I did take two echinaceas to prevent the sore throat I had and promptly ate crackers until the feeling I'd be sick passed.  My tummy was not ready for the pills without food and those salty crackers were the cause and the cure.  I'm sure the weight will be gone tommorow, I do pretty much anything to avoid eating at night...not good, always means a gain for me.

Todays Question:  "Why do I need steely determination?"

Answer, I have got to get past this ten pound hump and so I fear I may have to take some drastic measures.  I thought about lyposuction, seems like a very fashionable and easy means to hurdle a hump, I'm sure I could get my wonderful husband to pay for it, he spoils me quite readily, however, once I start I may never stop.  Then I'd have to change the title of my blog to fifty one year old gets fifty one pounds sucked off.  Who is going to read that?

Definition of steely determination, in my mind, I need to get that glazed over look in my eye, focus and stop bending.  I must be solid steel, as opposed to a mass of fat, and I must not lose sight of my goal.  I said at the beginning of this process that I was not stopping until I succeeded and I am "determined" not to.  So regardless of the results of too many salty crackers I set my face like steel to face this day and the new challenges it will bring.

One of my favorite scriptures is found in Romans 8:31, "If God is for me, who can be against me?"  The answer, me, unless I remember that God is for me.  And if He's for me, then why shouldn't I be.  I mean really. 

So no lyposuction, for now.  No more salty crackers at bedtime, I'll take my pills with meals.  I'll stay focused on the task and I will, before November ends, get enough pounds away from a ten pound loss that I never have to see it again. I'm happy for the loss, just really tired of repeating myself.

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

What really matters?

Todays question is as the title only I add, "What really matters to you?"

This process of weight loss has me taking a closer look at the things that really matter to me and the things that don't.  After my chocolate binge I can honestly tell you, that did not really matter to me.  I felt no great sense of accomplishment, felt no happiness and got no help from those yummy little bars to lose fifty one pounds...at all.  I did something insignificant to avoid feeling.  I dove into what didn't matter so I didn't have to look at what did. 

I need to refocus and a good way to do that is to list what really matters, so here is my list:

It matters to me that my children/grandchildren are happy and healthy, and that I respect them.
It matters to me that my husband and I are together and although there are days when I'm not happy with his actions, I love him so much and will continue to work on our marriage...till death do us part. (I'm certain there are days when he's not so enamoured with me either.)
It matters to me that I succeed as a  wife, a friend, a mother and a child of God.
It matters to me that my actions are worth imitating.
It matters to me that I share.
It matters to me that I practice and give unconditional love.
It matters to me that I take care of my body, in every way and that is why I can longer abuse it.
It matters to me that I serve all the people I love in a positive way.
It matters to me that I am honest, although I have to watch the so called "stretching of the truth" at times.
It matters to me that every person in my life knows they are valued for who they are.

I could go on, but does it matter?  I know you get my point.  I am a work in progress and the biggest hinderance to that work is me.  I have no excuses and no one to blame, it truly matters to me that I hold myself accountable.  When I was a very young Christian God reminded me one day, when I was busy blaming everyone elses actions for my mood, that I only answer for how I act.  Although I thought I had some great reasons for my behavior, I wanted my kids to follow Jesus in the exact way I did, I wanted everyone to love Jesus exactly like I did, I wanted everyone to read their bibles and I really wanted everyone to be nice and treat people well.  Sounded wonderful to me, problem is, it's not realistic, it arrogant, it's disrespectful, etc.  Everyone has their own path, every person is a unique and wonderful creation, everyone is different.  And some people, just act bad and I can't fix it, not my problem to fix.  Thank God.

It seems that I was measuring everyone by what mattered to me.  I forgot that people were not created in my image, can't even begin to explain why that would be a good thing on any level.  I was immature, I have since learned that in order for me to truly obtain what matters to me, I must follow God.  He equips me, carries me, forgives me, and loves me...perfectly.  There is not one thing in this world or any other, that matters more to me than my relationship with God through Jesus and the Holy Spirit.  Not one thing.

That relationship has taught me the greatest lesson that I believe any person can learn...I matter.

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

There is light...

I'm happily reporting that I have lost the two pounds I gained yesterday and for the fourth time, I am back to the ten pound loss I so love to visit and re-visit.  It is amazing how effective getting a grip can be.  Thank you ladies for your prayers, thank you MistE and Vanessa for your notes, thank you Wendy for your quote.  You all have helped me so much with your encouragement.

I realized something during the process, that's right during, I need to really be pre-prayered before holidays.  They are brutal reminders of all the things in my life that have changed.  I'm certainly not saying the good memories are outnumbered by the bad, that is so far from the truth, I just miss my kids the most on holidays.  Especially my Calvin, and yes I know he is happy with Jesus, I just miss him and that is okay.

Todays Question:  "Why wasn't I born in India or Italy?"

In those wonderful countries the kids just stay with you, in many parts of Europe they have to live with their parents, they can't afford to move.  I was born in the wrong country and I can't convince my kids and their spouses that they don't need their nice houses and their own place.  Oh well, enough whining.

I found my reason, I knew it, didn't want to look at it so I ate it instead.  If you smother sorrow in chocolate it does go down better.  You know that's true, only bad taste left was the hollow spot I still had.  And I do know that God fills that hole completely my MistE, it's just that every now and then my pitiful side emerges until He reminds me again of how great His love is and how blessed I am.  I feel so much better now.  So thank you Lord, and thank you my friends.  I'm back on track and I've learned.  A billion pillowcases full of candy will not fill the longing I have for heaven.  I'm not rushing to get there, but I am excited to go.

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

I need to stop!

Here we go ahead...I'm up a pound...not liking that but have to tell you, I deserve it this time.  I was going to throw out the leftover chocolate bars and chips, I convinced myself that was a waste and I'd send them to work with Gord.  I hung them out of sight on a door knob, problem, I knew where I hung them.  I should have gotten Gord to hide them, who am I kidding, he'd have got them for me if I asked, when it comes to treats he's weaker than I am, if you can imagine.  I use the word "if" loosely.

Todays Question:  "So now what, I'm frustrated and I know it's my own doing?"

I want to stop, I don't want to stop, that was yesterday's battle.  I knew when I got away with eating too much on Friday, that Saturday would be trying, I should have anticipated that Sunday would be worse. You would think that after all these years I'd know my patterns by now.  It would appear that dillusional is a state of mind that I enjoy and I need to stop that with frequent reality checks.  Before I indulge...not after.

I keep telling myself that if I don't feel full I'm going to lose weight.  Why?  Don't look at me for the answer, I have no clue.  I mean really if you feel hungry you shouldn't be gaining. 

This morning I did not want to write this blog, I'm sure you can figure out why.  I don't mind being the same and I don't mind losing, I hate writing when I'v gained.  I don't feel like I've gained anything, I actually feel more like a loser, however, the scale confirms that I have more.  Funny thing about more, it's not always what you need, and it does not satisfy. 

So now what?  I'll be needing your prayers if you can spare one or two, I have to see today for its potential and start again, before this downward spiral catapults me into an upward soar.  I've been soaring all weekend and it's time for me to get my feet back on the ground.  The holiday is over, the work week has begun. I need to stop!

Be blessed with a wonderful day.

So sorry!

I have discovered this morning that I can't write with a clear mind, or heart for that matter, when I've been a jerk.  No other word for it, wish there was.  I was miserable when I woke up this morning, propably caused by a caffine overdose in the chocolate bar form.  I've gained a pound.  Those stupid little chocolate bars apparently add up.  I'm sure I only had ten or twelve, well I'm almost sure, one little bag of potatoe chips, supper, and a couple more chocoate bars for dessert, one chip, and then I said enough already.

Todays Question:  "Why did it take me so long to say enough?"

Answer, didn't want to stop, didn't feel full, didn't have a tummy ache, didn't care.  Oh my, I told you I have a bad attitude this morning.  I've already had to go apologize to my husband, I was projecting my anger and he was nicely taking it.  Good news, I still have a conscience, so there is hope for me. 

It seems the past was coming back to haunt me, I'd have prefered a cute little dressed up ghost.  I felt this mood swing coming as I filled my bread bowl with chips and chocolate bars, I was missing my babies.  Why do kids grow up so fast?  Why does your heart ache when you remember their cute little costumes and faces?  Why can't they stay young and why can't I ignore the reason in my head when I ask questions like that?  I know they have to grow up, I am so happy that God has blessed my children with wonderful spouses, beautiful children and best of all, they spend lots of time with us.  Gordon, Chantel and my...on the way...sixth grandchild, came and spent the night with us, good timing.  I really needed that.  I noticed the chocolate bar feedings stopped shortly after their arrival.  Only God knows how great the damage would have been if they hadn't shown up.  Whew!

Good new, I can still find the positives in the midst of being so sorry for my behavior, they are as follows:
1.  I did not dive head first in the treat bowl.
2.  I went and said I was sorry quite quickly after being a jerk, only 10-15 minutes, could have been hours.
3.  I stopped eating before I felt sick.
4.  I recognized that it's okay to miss your little children.
5.  I'm so happy I love my grown children and the additions they have blessed us with.
6.  I'm a jerk sometimes, thank God I can see that and make a change.
7.  I only gained a pound.
8.  And last but not least, I did way better this Halloween than I ever have. Praise the Lord.

I could go on, but that's enough positives.  Remember I'm not really in the mood.

I am learning, slowly but surely, that I am a complex human being with a multitude of emotions, way too many choices, and more strength than I often realize I have.  I need to remember that I can do all things and stop thinking that I can't.  God will help me, I'm still struggling with asking. 

Be blessed with a wonderful day.