This is now my third attempt to write this morning, I'm up a couple pounds, not loving that but not surprised at all. I've been eating like a crazy woman over the last few weeks, wasn't sure why. Now I'm realizing I have another very significant day coming, my Calvin would be 29 on the 3rd of Febuary. The closer we get to the day the worse I seem to be getting. Add the water issues we are having at the farm right now into the mix and you have one very grumpy, grizzly bear woman who is missing her longs baths with her bible and her prayer time. It would appear that I'm a person who needs to pray at least twice a day just so I can be a nice girl. I'm not liking myself right now and truly....that's not "like" me.
Todays Question: "Do you ever hear yourself speaking and know you are being a jerk but continue?"
I do. I have more why questions in my head right now than I care to deal with and the answers that I don't have are bothering me so much more than the ones I do. There is an inner churning in me that I can't define. I'm on the edge all the time and I'm not sure why. Grumpy, negative...so not like me, okay the grumpy happens a little more than it used too but I'm menopausal people. Still great at excuses though. :)
I find myself wanting to find out that I'm not the only one who feels this way and then I feel bad for hoping that someone else is feeling this turmoil. Weird. I seem to be looking to move and to be moved, and yet I'm not moving and things around me are not either. So....natural response, get up, get moving, do something. Inward desire, God move...please.
Answer, my battle with the physical is failing, the battles for my soul, defeated. Thanks Jesus. I need to find peace again, that peace that surpasses understanding. I'm looking for a physical change with mental changes, I need a renewed spirit and the physical will line up. I've been wandering, aimlessly lately, looking for the places where I can see, sense, and experience God moving. I'm not finding them and yet I know that He is always moving and working on our behalf. Perhaps I'm eating to fill a spiritual void, looking for something good enough to leave me satisfied. Maybe satisfaction is a dangerous thing. Maybe hunger for the things of God is a good thing and the problem I'm having is with my greed for pleasure. Instantly! "They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength." I love that verse, and yet I don't like waiting, I've got way too much to do. I need to get this weight off, my house sold, my things moved, my patients helped, my family cared for and loved.....etc. When I have the time to wait I fill it with silly things that will never satisfy for any length of time. I readily admit that so many things are good time fillers, and fun, and entertaining, no denial here. However, if I had to define how I've been feeling lately I could do it with one word...EMPTY.
I need to redfine the word as something positive
E - ternally
M - inded
P - raising
T - rusting
Y - ou (as in Lord)
It would appear that once again, the world and it's messages had me wanting all that it's selling.
Perfect body, perfect house, perfect family, perfect husband, perfect decorations, perfect clothes, perfect people in my life...and of course I should have all these things because I deserve them. Right?
Let's just ignore the fact that I'm imperfect shall we. So now what? I don't know. I have yet to find the answer but I'm closer than I was when I started writing. I know what I'm looking for now and it has nothing to do with the physical me, I've forgotton what I have...."and you shall have power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you." The power within me is greater than me, so much more than me, and so willing to move in me. I shall have power and I shall remember that...it is already mine...Praise God!!!!
My Prayer: "Lord thank you for giving us the Holy Spirit, our need for guidance, truth, comfort, and a constant companion/counsellor is great...you met the need before we'd asked."
Be Blessed with a Wonderful Day
Todays Question: "Do you ever hear yourself speaking and know you are being a jerk but continue?"
I do. I have more why questions in my head right now than I care to deal with and the answers that I don't have are bothering me so much more than the ones I do. There is an inner churning in me that I can't define. I'm on the edge all the time and I'm not sure why. Grumpy, negative...so not like me, okay the grumpy happens a little more than it used too but I'm menopausal people. Still great at excuses though. :)
I find myself wanting to find out that I'm not the only one who feels this way and then I feel bad for hoping that someone else is feeling this turmoil. Weird. I seem to be looking to move and to be moved, and yet I'm not moving and things around me are not either. So....natural response, get up, get moving, do something. Inward desire, God move...please.
Answer, my battle with the physical is failing, the battles for my soul, defeated. Thanks Jesus. I need to find peace again, that peace that surpasses understanding. I'm looking for a physical change with mental changes, I need a renewed spirit and the physical will line up. I've been wandering, aimlessly lately, looking for the places where I can see, sense, and experience God moving. I'm not finding them and yet I know that He is always moving and working on our behalf. Perhaps I'm eating to fill a spiritual void, looking for something good enough to leave me satisfied. Maybe satisfaction is a dangerous thing. Maybe hunger for the things of God is a good thing and the problem I'm having is with my greed for pleasure. Instantly! "They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength." I love that verse, and yet I don't like waiting, I've got way too much to do. I need to get this weight off, my house sold, my things moved, my patients helped, my family cared for and loved.....etc. When I have the time to wait I fill it with silly things that will never satisfy for any length of time. I readily admit that so many things are good time fillers, and fun, and entertaining, no denial here. However, if I had to define how I've been feeling lately I could do it with one word...EMPTY.
I need to redfine the word as something positive
E - ternally
M - inded
P - raising
T - rusting
Y - ou (as in Lord)
It would appear that once again, the world and it's messages had me wanting all that it's selling.
Perfect body, perfect house, perfect family, perfect husband, perfect decorations, perfect clothes, perfect people in my life...and of course I should have all these things because I deserve them. Right?
Let's just ignore the fact that I'm imperfect shall we. So now what? I don't know. I have yet to find the answer but I'm closer than I was when I started writing. I know what I'm looking for now and it has nothing to do with the physical me, I've forgotton what I have...."and you shall have power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you." The power within me is greater than me, so much more than me, and so willing to move in me. I shall have power and I shall remember that...it is already mine...Praise God!!!!
My Prayer: "Lord thank you for giving us the Holy Spirit, our need for guidance, truth, comfort, and a constant companion/counsellor is great...you met the need before we'd asked."
Be Blessed with a Wonderful Day
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