Adjusting

I've been home for six days now and I am finally starting to feel normal.  My tummy, although growling often, is adjusting to less grease and fried food, back to more healthy choices.  I didn't see a loss today but I stayed the same and after the wonderful dinner I had last night that is remarkable, to say the least.  So it would seem that balance is being slowly restored. 

The above paragraph is easy to read and was easy to write, I have to tell you that these last six days have been anything but easy.  I have noticed that once you start to eat more it is very difficult to make the shift back to eating less.  It is a daily struggle, but it is starting to get easier.

On Tuesday night I went with my beautiful son to a hockey game.  I was smart and ate first to avoid all the junk.  I was doing just fine until Gordon returned after the first period break with a bucket of popcorn.  Oh the good Lord knows that popcorn is my weakness.  Why...why not icecream, I can resist that.  I decided to have some, since I ate such a light supper.  I purposed to eat one kernal at a time, once in a while I got two.  I could taste the salt, I was sure my body was already swelling and that I'd be up two pounds by morning if I kept eating, so I stopped.  I aksed Gordon to move the popcorn over to the other side, he didn't get my logic.  He said, "Exercise some self-control Mom." 

Todays Question:  "What the heck is self-control?"

Answer, not giving in I guess.  So, I think I made two minutes and then my resolve to quit and my one to two kernels at a time, blasted right up to handfuls and face stuffing at a rate that makes Andretti look slow.  I went head first into what I like to call the "blank eating zone".  Yep, right after I'd made the decision I was done.  Gordon happened to look over, perhaps he was trying to figure out why my arm that was against his was moving so fast.  He gave me that, you've got to be kidding look and said something like, "Mom, you've gone from one at a time to handfuls."  I deferred, "Get the popcorn away from me."  I could see the confusion on his face.  I knew he expected me to quit, and I did after one more handful.  I explained that I'd need God's help to stop but I was struggling to make the commitment.  I knew once I told God I wasn't having anymore I'd have to do it.  He said, "I stopped doing that Mom, it doesn't work."  I said, "It does for me but I have to mean it."  I confessed to Gordon that I didn't want to ask God for help and then it was over, the popcorn no longer had me by the throat. 

Not exactly the model for self-control am I?  I'm coining the phrase "bez"  blank eating zone.  I'm going to stop giving myself permission to travel into that zone.  I have to focus.  I saw that popcorn coming and I knew I was going to give into it.  I heard the words "self-control" and I lost it.  Same old problem coming back to haunt me, I want to have what everyone else is having.  I do not want to miss out.  I so easily forget that I can have the popcorn, I mean seriously I proved that.  I can eat whatever I want and I can eat as much as I want.  No one can stop me.  It is my choice.  God help me to remember that I have chosen a path that yeilds results that are so much better for my overall well-being.  I want to be healthy, I want to be free of this over-eating disorder.  I want to be your servant and a slave to nothing.  Why did a cardboard box of popcorn become my ruler?  Because I surrendered to it, that's why.  And that my friends needs to end.

Be blessed with a wonderful day.