I'm finding that my journey is like a book, not sure what I'll read on the next page but I'm starting to care. That for me is huge. I want to finish this book I've titled Fifty One Pounds, I'm ready to get off the comfortable page that has read ten pounds lighter for way too many months. I feel safe hovering around ten pounds and I don't just want to feel safe anymore, I want to get uncomfortable as I find my way to a twenty pound post etc. I discovered with the help of a very good book that I have a fear of being thin. I want something I really don't want or know how to handle. It has to do with so many aspects of who I think I am and yet know I am not.
Todays Question: "Are you ever afraid of what you know you can have?"
I am! I have absolutely no doubt that I could be fifty one pounds lighter and more if I wanted to be. I'm saying firmly and truthfully...no doubt whatsoever. I'm saying with that same conviction that my fear of who that lady might be seems to be holding me captive with a ten to thirteen pound gun. I have discovered a patten once again during these few months, I get a couple pounds past ten and I'm eating a blizzard, or chips, or too much bread. I jump for joy when I drop a couple pounds past the security blanket that is ten, then surrender to the first treat I can find and it's always food.
Yesterday I went with Tessa and Zayin to find grandma some new jeans. I bought low riders from American Eagle. Why? Tessa said they looked amazing. I must have needed to hear that because I bought them ignoring the fact that my "granny" undies, as Tessa called them, were showing. I'm understating. Half of my butt would have been exposed if not for those french cut jockeys, she called granny undies. Seriously Tessa...you are lucky I love you so much. Nobody slams my jockeys. I showed my husband my new jeans and he loved how they looked but wondered how I'd deal with bending over. Asked me where my butt was. Hello...same place it's always been honey. His question was valid, I'd already pointed that out to Tessa, when I say pointed that out, I meant I said; "I can't bend over or the world will see my jockeys." She said I'd get used to it, meaning the jeans of course. Why? Why would I want to get used to my butt hanging out. This one will make you laugh out loud, Gord said. "You need to buy a thong and then people will see only the top of it if you bend over." I'm laughing myself. I assured him they don't make a thong big enough to hide this arse in those jeans. Isn't jean shopping fun.
My point, those jeans make me feel good. Maybe because they make me laugh, and maybe because they do look good. Okay I'll only wear them when I have no need to bend, but that little tiny zipper and the way they fit the skinniest part of my belly makes me feel fabulously smaller. And I was comfortable with that in spite of the fact that I kept trying to pull the back up. I'm sure the jumping up and down counts as exercise so it's all good. I want you all to know I will not be wearing a fitted shirt with those jeans, I'm not a fan of showing the belly surplus that low rise jeans are famous for...I meant to say infamous. I cannot deny however, that even with flaws I get it and I'm embracing it. I look a little bit sexy in those jeans and I'm going to stop being afraid of that. I'm goint to see a smaller me and not freak out for a change. One day I will write more about this fear of looking great in more depth. For now I'm taking baby steps to turn the page on the book that is my life, or has been my life up to now. The thing I like about books is that you can turn the page and sometimes the story gets better. With books that may not always be the case but when you are writing the story of your life...you decide what the next page will say.
Be blessed with a Wonderful Day.
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