Yesterday was better, the rebel put herself on a short leash. I had to grocery shop and I want you all to know that I walked past the chips looking for nachos that were healthy. When I say healthy I mean three ingredients I know are food, not fifteen words I can't say. I walked past the chocolate bars five times and resisted them all. I will confess that I bought a little brownie to share with my husband for dessert, and yes the rebel shared. I resisted an overpowering urge to buy cookies, Gord was saying we needed them. I even resisted those rye crisps once we got home from the farmhouse. No small task.
It was a better day and I felt I gained back a little of the control that I so willingly surrender. Praise God. It seems weird to be glad I got control of myself, when I'm the person who lost control of herself. What a difference a day makes.
Todays Question: "Do you ever feel like your dealing with a person you don't know when you are dealing with yourself?"
I do! I have a clear picture of what I want to acheive, I've worked with my limitations and not set hard and firm dates to acheive my goals and won't quit until I succeed. I've even started to believe that I can be much slimmer, that is key for me. I know who I am in one aspect, have no idea who I am in another. The lady walking the mall was so defiant, the lady at the grocery store made good choices. I think I need to figure out how to get those two women to agree. Oh right...I'm talking about myself.
It is true that we humans learn how to adapt quickly. I fear I learned to adapt too well to being heavier, it's comfortable and safe. I'm not so comfortable facing the unknown and since it's been so long since I've been slim it's seems a little scarey to me. Why do I think I'll be a different person if I'm slimmer? Maybe the problem is not the weight it's the fear of being someone I don't recognize.
Several years ago I was walking into the agricom for one of the many shows they have, RV, home decor, can't remember which one. I didn't realize that I was looking at my own image in those reflecting side windows. I thought that lady is slim, when I realized it was me I felt shocked. It was a side view and I was probably 30 pounds lighter. I didn't feel comfortable with that image it didn't seem to be me. It would appear that I've got a picture in my head of what I should look like to be comfortable with myself. What a stupid picture!
I'm reminded of a past life where my figure was a threat to others, I blamed myself at some inner level for something that had nothing to do with me. I can't be responsible for the fears of others, I can only be responsible for my own.
I didn't think this blog was going in the direction it went this morning, it would appear that once again I need to lose something other than weight. That would be a false beleif system that I'm a threat to others if I'm slim. How did that get in my head without me noticing.
My prayer: God help us all to see the lies we have told ourselves more clearing, replacing them with the truth of who we are...not who we are afraid we will be.
Be blessed with a Wonderful Day
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