Yesterday was a day for refocus, I slowed down everything and took an inward look. I spent the day at home, with the exception of two side trips, one for Gord and one for me. In both cases I was home in less than an hour. I find great release in having days that don't require me to be anywhere, days to catch up on a host of things that can be neglected by the busyness of life...I include myself in those things. I also took a break from food, shocking I know, it was time. I needed to be reminded that I would not die if I did not eat. It was close a couple of times, but this mornings post is evidence that I made it through the night. I did think about eating at midnight but since I've never been a late night eater I resisted.
Todays Question: "Do you ever give up something that seems to have a hold on you just to regain control?"
I do. I think, and it's just my opinion, that we all should let go of those things in life that seem to have control over us. "A person is a slave to whatever has mastered them." I know that for me not eating for one day reminds me that I can say no...even to food. I wish I could tell you that I do this everytime I get out of control, I don't, eventually I do see the problem, I'm hoping I'll learn to respond quicker than I do now. I did drink healthy things during my fast, don't want anyone to think I was suffering. :)
For most of us the things that control us are things, for some the things that control are people. Both are unhealthy. I seem to be the only person in my life controlling me, I have a great husband who stands up to my desire to be in control, but he does not try to control me. He tries to supervise me from time to time, but can be quickly reminded that I do not work for him. He's used to being the boss. Silly goose.
Yesterdays fast reminded me that I depend on God, not myself, not my husband/children and not my friends, although all are blessing to me. I learned something at the end of the day and once again my husband was the one God used to show me. I was watching Dr. Oz, a lady who'd lost 10 sizes, going from a 16 to a 6 was on. She did it in three months. Gord came in just as she was appearing for the "after" shot. He asked me, "What's a six." Not surprised he wouldn't know, a little surprised that he asked me what size I was. I told him 12 and that the women he was looking at had lost 10 sizes. He said, "You are skinnier than her." Oh I love that man. I said Gord; "I so am not." He just shook his head and said again, "I don't know what a size six is." I assure you people I don't either, at least from an experience point of view. Gord left to have a bath and when Dr. Oz was over I got up, the house was quiet and this thought came to mind. "You need eyes like Gords, you need to see yourself skinny like he does." I was hanging up the little jacket I had on in the closest and felt for the first time that I needed to beleive that I would be slim again. I committed to the process but I don't think I spent anytime thinking about or beleiving that I'd actually be slimmer or even...dare I say the "s" word...skinny. How bold! I had made a committment to something without actually beleiving it would ever happen. How silly is that?
I needed time away from everything to remember that faith is evidence of things not seen, I needed to remember that I have to have some faith in myself. My husband sees me a certain way, it is not made up people, it is real. For those of you who know me, discernment is one of the gifts God gave me, I am not easily fooled, not saying I've never been, just saying it does not happen often, at least not by my husband. Gord is not methodical and does not say things to make me feel better...I assure you there are days when I wish he had the compliment gift...he does not. The problem is not how he sees me, I'd say his vision is failing but it's 20/20 even at 60, he only needs glasses to read, the problem is how I see me. I've been looking at the fat version of me for so long that it's normal and I assure you nothing is harder to change than normal. Hard...but...not impossible. I need a new normal.
I learned that Gord's picture of me is accurate for him, I can't tell you how much I'd love to see people and things the way he does. I know that Gord is how God made him, and I must be who God created me to be. We both bring balance into each others lives. I also know that I can begin to see myself through a new lense. I am working to replace my self doubting lense with a lense of faith, I can truly do all things through Christ who strengthens me. It is time for me to beleive in myself.
Be blessed with a Wonderful Day.
My Prayer: God help us all to be free from the lies we tell ourselves and to remember that faith is a great gift that has many faces.
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