Thank you Officer.

Yesterday morning I finally got to the massage therapist.  It was long overdo, had not been since Africa.  I was seconds from my right turn home when I saw it, the police car, on the dirt road behind our house, waiting.  I quickly looked down to see how fast I was going, 64k's, whats the limit I wondered , I stepped on the brake thinking  it would not make the difference I needed it too.  I decided as I saw his car light up like a Christmas tree that I would stop at home.  I was seconds away.  I pulled into my driveway, he pulled up behind me, blocking my escape. 

Todays Question:  "Did the police man think I was going to back out and speed away if he parked in front of my house?"

I hope not.  He sat in his car while I got my driver's license out and looked for my registration, after what seemed like a long time, he walked up to my car as I stepped out.  "You were doing 64 in a 40 zone did you know that?"  I said I didn't realize it was a 40 zone.  I handed him my license and registration and he said.  "Yes it is."  He paused and seemed to be waiting for me to make my excuses.  You know the ones I'm sure he's heard a million times.  I said.  "I'm guilty."  He looked at me funny and said.  "Okay."  I said.  "Thank you." He walked to his car.

I couldn't waste precious time, I was in a hurry, I had to meet my husband who is always early at the bank.  I took my purse into the house and let the dog out.  The officer was busy writing out my ticket.  I came back, he was still writing so I cleaned the garbage out of my vehicle from our trip to Radium.  He finally finished writing, got out of his car and walked up to me presenting my ticket.  I said, "Thank you."  He looked at me and said.  "You keep saying thank you."  I said, "If your guilty your guilty."  He told me that I should slow down, he felt to share that he was certain he'd be stopping young people, as they had received complaints about speeders in that area.  I was quiet but smiled.  I was still trying to figure out if he was implying I wasn't young.  He said.  "Okay, well slow down."  I said.  "I will, thank you."  And off he went.

I went into the house wondering why I was so quiet.  I really felt like I could have talked myself out of that ticket.  The nice Officer was more than willing to listen to my excuses, the shrug of his shoulders and the look on his face when I made no defense and said I was guilty,  coupled with his, "ok", said it all.  He left the door open, I shut it.  Weird. 

I kept trying to be mad at that Officer, I couldn't do it.  I was mad at myself.  Not for speeding, God help me, but because I got caught.  You see I get away with speeding on a very regular basis.  I just drove back from Radium at a buck thirty, the majority of the way.   (130k's for those of you who don't know my young sons lingo for speed.)  Yes I passed it on to my children.  The guilt.  I felt so guilty and I learned that guilt and anger are two emotions that get entangled in me.  I really wanted to be mad, my guilt and the thousands of prayers this family has lifted up for those who protect us, would not allow it.  I really wanted someone to blame, and I kept wondering why I didn't try to defend my actions, I just kept declaring my guilt.

As I stood in my kitchen trying to figure out why I didn't just go with my anger, I was reminded of Jesus.  Yep, innocent and said nothing.  I was guilty and said nothing.  How does that relate?  I made no defense because I was guilty, I found it very hard.  He made no defense and was innocent, I would have found that impossible.  I wasn't struggling to stay quiet as an innocent victum, I was struggling to stay quiet as a condemned and hardened speeder.  I got caught and for once in my life I didn't try to justify my sin.  I bore the consequences and made no attempts to be excused.  I got what I deserved.

How does that relate to this weight loss process?  I eat too much and convince myself I'm innocent. I think that because it is "healthy" food I'm a victum.  If I exercise I should lose weight right?  Maybe not if you eat more because you are exercising, I have to keep my strength up.  Hello!  I gained two pounds in Radium because I ate too much.  No excuses.  I go backwards in this process because I'm guilty of over-indulgence.  I make excuses because I want to feel sorry for myself, I want to be the helpless victum of a bad metabolism.
I keep hoping that something is wrong with my body so I can justify this fat.  Please help me Lord.

I am guilty and I admit I'd rather be mad.  It's so much easier to be mad at my body than it is to be honest with myself.  I really need to change that. 

Be blessed with a wonderful day.