Day Two

I amazed at the things I've learned in the last few days. It was a Saturday morning when I first thought about committing to get this fifty one pounds off. It is now Wednesday morning and I'm so glad I decided to blog about this. For some reason writing about it, and thinking about writing about this process, has been very therapeutic. I'm paying attention. That in itself is remarkable because, although I pay attention to many other things in life, I have not really paid attention to my weight. Oh I've thought about, agonized over it and raged at myself for letting myself indulge in it...but I have not paid attention to it. Denial is a wonderful thing isn't it...or is it?

And that is the question of the day.

I'm realizing that I have denied myself in a most horrible way, and for years I thought that my weight issue was about "not" denying myself. Turns out I've denied myself on so many levels. I prefer pictures of myself alone, so I have no one to compare my size to. I've learned to stand behind my husband so no one will notice I'm wider than him, if I can't get behind him I stand sideways that's better...except my shoulders are still bigger than his. I have sore legs from eating everything I want and my feet always hurts. Have another chocolate bar, why deny yourself Jenny? You deserve it. Deserve what? More pounds, more self loathing, more anger, more discomfort, more difficulty sitting, standing, and let's not even mention how uncomfortable those airplane seats get the bigger you are. I'm looking for balance and I'm asking the question can I get what I want by denying myself and have what I want and not deny myself at the same time? Read that again it will make sense the second time.

Sit down...I am. The answer is yes. Over the last couple of days I've discovered that I can say yes and no to things at the same time. It's remarkable and possible...who knew? What's the loony talking about you ask? Well let me tell you. As the decision to truly commit to loosing this weight was rolling around in my head, after my serious prayer asking God for help, after I could feel the answer coming I tried something. I was going to my beautiful daughters house to drop off my very handsome son's car. They had company and my daughter mentioned Starbucks but I was no where near one. I hate to deny my children so I thought I'd stop at the Dairy Queen instead because it was on the way and buy a box of Dilly Bars, if you don't know what these are, ice cream covered in chocolate on a stick, brilliant to say the least. As I got closer my mind sped up, you shouldn't eat that you want to lose fifty one pounds, you don't need it. Denial...I hate that. I decided to buy six, they come in twelves but six cost almost as much as twelve, it's very Canadian to get more it's a much better deal. I bought the box, now what? I had a strange calm but I wasn't sure why, I knew there were six people, two each, I'm good at small math, I could eat two.

I'm starting a new paragraph because I don't want you to miss what I'm about to say, it's shocking. I gave everyone in that house a dilly bar after I kissed and hugged my adorable grandson. I even gave myself one. I took one small bit off the end, yummy, I took a second small bite off the other end, double yum. And then I'd had enough so I gave the rest away. Yep, that is what I said I gave the rest away. I felt powerful...I'm not even kidding...powerful. That was an amazing moment for me, I denied myself and I did not deny myself at the same time. Remarkable.

Every single diet has one common theme...denial. And I can only speak for myself here...I don't function well when I'm being denied. It's rude. So I had my cake (ice cream) and I ate it too...but...I didn't overeat it. That is the key.

I'm happy to report that I have been able to give too and deny myself several times since I committed to loosing this fifty one pounds. It seems to have taken me 51 years, less 13 I was a skinny kid, to figure this out. Okay I realize I'm on day two and it's early morning as I write, but hey knowing I can have what I want helps, the results after 24 hours...no change in my weight...I'm still working on fifty one pounds. Huge change in my mind, I don't feel burdened by methods this far. Less is more they say...I add...especially when two bites of ice cream are twice as much as none.

Two points:
1. Pay attention
2. Don't deny yourself while you deny yourself.

Have a blessed day.