Awareness

I'm finding myself totally aware of what is going into my mouth over these last few days.  I thought I'd always been more than aware, turns out that wasn't true.  I just ate in this altered state.  Not really aware of what or how much was going in, although I can remember days when my body was saying something like, knock it or your feel sick later, but I was able to press through.  I'm also shocked to learn that thinking about food has multiple purposes and can yeild completely different results.  I used to think about food all the time and I thought that was my problem.  Now I'm still thinking about food all the time but it's in a completely new way.  Once upon a time, not that long ago, I was thinking about what I could eat, where I would eat, and planning very carefully to never miss a meal.  I'm still not at the point where I  want to miss a meal but I'm sure thinking about what I'll eat and how much I'll eat now.

Yesterday I went to my mom and dads for dinner.  Sounds wonderful right?  It is beleive me, my mom is a great cook.  Normally I surrender to the fact that I always overeat around my parents.  The reason, food was a comforter in my home.  We ate when we were happy, ate when we were sad, ate when we were bored, ate when we had company, ate when we came home from school, ate supper two hours later, ate when we didn't feel good, ate when we did.  I mean we were a very well fed family, and when we were little we were actually all little. My mom worked us hard and insisted that we didn't sit in front of the tv all day, we needed to get outside and do something.  Turns out my mom was the first Personal Trainer I had.  She fed has very heathly food, and then she made us go do something to wear it off.  Amazing. 

Here's the problem.  I left home and took the fun part, eating for every occassion, I learned to like sitting in front of the tv, computer, etc., and I stopped going out and doing something every single day.  And then I did exactly the same thing to my kids, fed them for any occassion and made them play outside in stead of sitting in front of the tv.  Remarkable how history repeats itself.

The question of the day, why was this dinner at my parents different?

The answer.  I was completely and totally aware of what I put in my mouth.  Every single bite, I paid attention to everything and I ate until I felt full and then...sit down...I quit.  I even gave away my last few bites of the amazing peach shortbread, topped with whipped cream cake, that was to die for.  Oh and I shared my dinner with Zayin, my cute little grandson.  I was amazed that I did not surrender, like I have on so many occassions at my parents, to eat until I couldn' move because the food was soooo good. 

The reason for my success...awareness.  I stayed present, I didn't zone out and allow myself to go into that black hole that we only seem able to climb out of after the deed is done.  Then that hole of guilt moves in, anger, self loathing, blaming and a host of other horrible feelings that follow overeating.  Yep awareness.

I tell you I'm empowered.  I'm taking steps to follow that sound advice God gave us when He said..."take every thought captive."  You have got to be "aware" in order to successfully do that.  This is baffleing to me, I thought I was aware, I wasn't, I became aware and I'm seeing more clearly than I ever have.  How weird is that?

Have a wonderful and blessed day. 

ps.   No scale at the condo so no weight loss
        updates until Monday...yikes and yay!