Refocused.

It is day 24 and already I need to refocus.  Funny how easy it is to slip back into the old ways and how hard it can be to stay on track.  I honestly never thought this process would be easy but somehow I thought, since I recognized the problem, that it was fixed by merely acknowledging it.  The saying goes, you can't fix a problem until you acknowledge it.  Sounds simple right, acknowledgement equals fixed.  The saying "should" go, you can't fix a problem until you acknowledge it and then work your butt off (I'm hoping) to change. 

I acknowledge the day before yesterday that compliments are hard for me to take.  They seem to send me searching for something to put in my mouth.  I want my fat back.  I know why, I blogged about why and then on the following day I did well.  I was silly enough to think I'd handled it, yesterday however, was not such a good day.  I found myself eating, I was in that blank place again, only this time I could feel what I was doing and I was "not" as blank as I normally am.  I kept putting little things in my mouth, they kept adding up and I was the calculator.  A few pieces of cracker, a few bites of Zayin's food, a piece of a chocolate bar, etc.  All little bits, but when I refocused I realized I was eating more than I wanted, I was overeating.  I was actually trying to trick myself into beleiving that it was different because I didn't eat the whole chocolate bar, it was only parts of the cracker, and maybe I was just having a hungry day.  I'm so good at making up reasons for why I'm eating.  Not so good at reality though.

Todays question:  "How long does it take for abnormal to feel normal?"

I remember when I was 40 pounds lighter, it's evidence that I have a really good memory because it was 23 years ago.  Right after Gordon Jr. was born.  I thought I was fat.  I can still remember being 50 pounds lighter, right after my baby girl was born.  I didn't feel fat and I was shocked by that, didn't take me long to get my weight up.  I remember when I met my husband and I was so skinny I didn't even have a side roll, that has only happened once in my life.  I also remember when a co-worker of both my husband and I said if I was 10 pounds lighter I'd could be a centrefold.  Not my desire at all, but funny how all I heard was you should be 10 pounds lighter.  I had no rolls, a flat stomach, could wear anything, and still all I heard was the insult.  I really think that comment caused years of frustration over my weight.  I would never be slim enough, so why bother.  I didn't have the confidence or the wisdom to ignore the remark.  I just gave up.  I never refocused.

When something is in focus it is clear, when the light changes, or another person comes into the picture we have to refocus.  I need to refocus.  I'm still being effected by the words of other people, I'm giving myself permission to let my words, my thoughts about myself to be the ones that matter.  I need to remember that only I can make myself happy.  I chose, I decide.  I know what I want and I have to do all the work to get it, I have God's help and I'm so grateful for that, I have genuine support from those who love me, and I beleive I can lose fifty one pounds.  Refocused and ready for the journey. 

Be blessed with a wonderful day.